Ellie

lesbian 16

[faguatiousdyke]

Sorry i havent posted in 3 days ive been yearning in silence (in my journals plural) and listening to olivias new album and kevin atwaters unreleased music and being lesbian

[faguatiousdyke]

Why does it feel like this?

Why am I alive but I can't seem to truly live

It only felt like living when you were here

How do I start living again with you gone?

Am I terrible for not saying how I felt?

In front of your house before you left

You deserve better then a reason to stay

So i kept my mouth shut to make it less painful

But was it to keep you safe or myself?

God I'm so fucking selfish

But how do I manage without your gaze

Without your relentless teasing

How can I focus on others when you wont leave

You're still prominent in my brain

Thousands of miles but right there

How can I live haunted by the ghost of you

You're very much alive and we still talk

But its not the same you arent here

And i don't know why i let myself get used to you

When i knew you were just gonna go

And why did i get way closer to you before you left

Why did i leap at every chance to see you

Knowing I'd just be more attatched

I just don't feel at home anymore

Knowing theres no chance of saying a word to you

Too scared to call and interuppt your day

Even if it'd mean to hear your voice

Reliving days with you in my mind

And you're in my dreams every night

Always there but just out of reach

Half of it is me chasing after you

We talk for a sefond then you're gone

And I'm left searching every corner

Knowing you wont be nearby

There's other people in my life

Who are here so why cant i think

Of anyone other then you

I don't know whats wrong with me

Why is it i feel most for you

When you are the most far

And the chances of you getting back

And us suddenly working it out

Is near fucking impossible

And i don't want to do this

I don't want to sit here waiting for you

For something that could never happen

Because we'll end up friends and ill be fine with that

Befause our friendship is worth more than a stupid relationship

So why can't you leave my mind

Why can't i let myself live my life

You're a ghost I've created in my mind

I hate that i can't let myself live

I cant think without you in my mind

Can't wake up without seeing if you texted

I need to let you go

I need you to have a good life

I let myself fall too in love

Its a curse to care this much

A curse that wishes i could never fall in love

That i wouldnt have fallen in lobe with your laugh

Our endless teasing, the way you laugh when im upset

Your red out of breath or embarassed face

Your eyes and how they are perfect to fall into

The way your eyes catch mine

Our stupid meaningless conversations

And the meaningful ones

And the words that are stuck in our throats

And the comfort i feel beside you

And how being with you feels normal

It's not overwhelming or annoying

It's not boring or quiet

Its everything I've wanted

So i wish to not feel this

I wish that i could love you for a friend

Because you are one of yhe best friends i have

My brains a bubble and its begging for a needle

To erase every waking thought of you

So i can go back to living normally

Not a life of patience and waiting

A life of enjoying and living in the moment

I will learn to be in the moment without you

Even if no matter what i try

I will always love you

I feel like all the care is going towards you and It isnt fair to my friends. They deserve my time of day and a space in my mind. I need to push it back for room for a year. Im scared I'll be too stuck on you than to expirence this year. So for that i will try and worry about other things then you

[faguatiousdyke]

If destiny were to be real

What if mine were to be alone?

To fall in love and get attatched

Enjoy every second of it

But to not even date

To not hold hands or kiss her lips

But to chase after her

Till she pulls away then i pull away too

Until she's back chasing after me

And for a moment we're chasing eachother

But second later im chasing her off

Reaching out until my last breath

Because in the end it was worth it

Every moment of pain i will feel

All the longing through lonliness

Was worth her smile

To see her eyes light up over small things

Even if nothing romantic happens in the end

The friendship is worth so much more to me

Then to date and have a messy breakup

Rather than being content

Living our own lives but staying in touch

Never mentioning my feelings

Never knowing hers

She'll find someone who is brave enough to confess

Someone who could give her the world

As long as she doesn't have to hide any part of herself

All I want is her to be loved to be known

Someone who understands her

But also teases her and pisses her off sometimes

Someone who enjoys her smile

Who lives off her laughter and her red out of breath face

As long as thry make her laugh more than i did

As long as they bother her a little

But also give her time to herself

Someone who doesn't annoy her as much as me

Someone who gets her little things that mean a lot

Someone who pays attention

Who asks what she wants

Keeps her dreams high in mind

As long as she can be herself

As long as there wont be a side they don't know

Someone willing to stay through the worst

Listen to everything she wants to say

Doesnt force anything out

Someone who makes mistakes

So she has something to laugh at

Someone who wont shut down when it gets personal

Not secretly terrified of everything like i do

Someone that spends every second caring

Someone she can understand

If my destiny is to be alone so be it

Just make sure she is loved

Make sure she sees herself in a good light

Let her pursue every little dream

And maybe they can tell her all the words i held back

And how everything was worth your friendship

I never needed more, you are the missing piece of my heart

I love you and i hope your life is everything youve imagined

And if you ever need anything I'm just a text away

[faguatiousdyke]

I just saw an edit to amberprice to lighthouse and I AM SICK

Now im gonna replay before the storm cuz i was reminded of my favorites

[faguatiousdyke]

I got kevins new vinyl and "Stuck in my throat" the bonus track is killing me and im literally just like rewinding the record (moving the needle back) over and over cuz its not on spotify or anything.

So yes of course I'm gonna talk about the lyrics and stuff

So basically the song is about letting yourself get excited for a love you know can't happen

And like when i discover his songs for some reason it perfectly correlates where i am in my lesbian life

Cuz i had just gotten excited for a love but i knew it couldn't happen and it just hurts

Okay anyways the lyrics (written above)

"Fault lines

I follow your eyes to the ceiling

Like maybe I'll see what you're seeing"

I correlate this part to me wondering what someone is seeing when they see me. Or what thwy think of me. Or the things that go on in their head that they don't talk about.

"Pretending I'm part of your mind

To make me a part of your feelings

I need to give you a reason to keep me around

I'm repeating "if you want babies i could"

Until I believe it"

I correlate this part to getting attatched to much and wanting to be around for everything but then distancing yourself when i realize I'm doing too much and I can't just be part of their mind and feelings.

And how as a lesbian I can never have kids that are half mine and half theirs. I'd do everythijg to try if they wanted kids that I get to the point of believing it's possible. That I can live a happy life as a lesbian with a wife and kids of our own. But life doesn't work out lile that but one can hope

"And now I'm someone turning inside out

A pile of sweet nothings"

I feel like im physically turning inside out when i try to talk about things. All I am is empty promises, little whispers that never matter in the end.

"When you're so close to me it hurts me now

To keep it from coming"

Being so close to them it's hard not to blurt everything out. Like I have things I want to say but it's never the right time and it hurts me to be so close yet so far and unable to speak all of my mind.

" 'i love you' is safer stuck in my throat

Don't you think I know that?

I know

Yeah I know

I know how this goes"

I've learned from a young age that it's safer to keep my feelings in. I know what happens if i let them out so I jnow that i can't just say it. I have to oet it go but safe.isnt always the best option. Yes its safe but theres so many things I've missed out on because I chose the safe option

Why can't i just reach out and say it.

And then that whole part repeats

It just hits me where it hurts i dont know. I let myself get excited thinking I'd let myself love. But then stuff happened and made it almost impossivle to say how i felt. So I attempted to distance myself but in the end we got closer and closer and spent more and more time together. Everything fwlt so right in the moment but I still couldn't say it because I knew the end was near. But in all I'd do everything again, I wouldn't confess if I got the chance to do it all because it would only cause pain. I love you will stay stuck in my throat. The love wont go away I don't know if it ever will.

Maybe it could work out in a years time when everythings back in place. Fuck I hope it does but for now we'll stay in toych and talk like we always do over the phone. Just no in person hangouts or anything. I hope they come visit soon but this suffices. But then again a few months after everything goes in place it'll go wack again as I have my own future plans to attend to

But thwn again is it worth it or should.I stay?

Or keep i love you stuck in my throat till it goes to the back of my mind

[faguatiousdyke]

Sorry yall life happened and i stopped gay yearning for a few days but your girls back gayer than ever

[faguatiousdyke]

I privated most my of lesbian yearning poem thingies cuz im lowkey scared shes gonna find my tumblr and see them and im a scaredy cat 😭

[faguatiousdyke]

There's something strange about life

How we all grow together until graduation

When people slowly get picked away till everyones gone but you

Left alone waiting for your own turn

Watching your friends go off and go to all different places

Some states away others in different countries

While some stay at the local community college

Its not the same as having them in your day to day life

And suddenly it'll turn to the summer when everyones back

But it's your turn to go off on your own

And you're being picked off into your own life

While the friends you made are forced to stay behind

But you still have a year till that happens

So it feels like the world stopped moving

When everyone left you here

And your last year will be the slowest year

Especially when the girl you love is gone a year before you

And by the time shes back you'll be on a seperate path

She'll come back to town when you're packing to leave

You hope that heartbreak you felt doesn't translate to her

Because she was gone thousands of miles

While you stayed there in your small town

You spent all the time you could with her before she left

Feeling every minute that you would miss

Then she was gone it feels like time completely froze

And it'll stay frozen till she's back

Because all you'd want is to see her one last time

"When the world stopped last week I just wanted you to hold me"

[strawbewiebaby]

[faguatiousdyke]

I'm full of things i cant say

I rehearse sentences to say so i can say it

But i cant get the hard things out

No matter how hard i try

Theres always an immovable lump in my throat

And if i kept trying to speak

I would choke to death on tears before i could

If I could scream out every last word i would

But for some reason my heart latches to my ribs

If i try to actually let it out

When normally its begging to leave

I want to speak in places i cant

And when im able to i find the words unable

I want to blurt things out in public

I want to tell you every little thing

But the second we're alone it's silence

The air is full of the stupid things i have said

Everything i wanted to say leaves my head

Why does my mind go blank when my heart needs it most

Not even I love you is left in my head

Its all in my forever latched heart

So I'll say something stupid

Or I'll do something that makes you upset

Instead of actually letting myself speak

They ask if its better to speak or to die

I'd say to speak

But I'm left unable to say anything

So I'm left to die

With all my words welled up inside

Every reason i love you

Every little lie

Every memory i want to repeat

All the pain i want to delete

Its left in my cold dead heart

Thst i hope for you to revive

Then maybe you can feel its care

Maybe you can read the scars of words written on my heart

Maybe everything is written on my heart

I just have to cut it out and give it to you

If my voice is nothing

Then ill show you the words

The silly memories that went from my head to my heart

Like when you took my arms and 'made ' me dance

Or when you said something you thought i didn't hear

Or every little moment with you

When you pretended not to hear me

Putting your hand in front of your face

And i pushed it away

I just wanted to hold your hand

But all im doing is pushing you away

So take my heart

Just try not to let it fall

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— jay vespertine via letsbelonelytogetherr

[faguatiousdyke]

What the fuck I don't need this song right now.

"Cuz im good if you're good thats romance"

He said it was a happy song but its actually the most

"Steal the plane, trash the plane, crash the plane

Maybe its better to go up in flames

Then explain"

And im crying

I don't need this to tie with my summer lesbian yearning

Its actually so depressing

I cant do this kevin

This is my song of the summer

And i love how it builds and builds till it goes to the chorus its like so perfect and so sad

"Is this how you pictured your life?

Do you dream still or just close your eyes?

I’ve run out of ways to keep you awake

Crash the plane, not to sleep, but escape"

It's yhe feeling of someone pulling away while you beg them to stay but they have to go they can't just stay and you can't ask them to stay because leaving will bring them so much good and let them follow their dreams.

Or maybe thats me 😭

"I’ve taken to hurting the things I can’t have

Things that don’t want me back

Don’t want me, I attack them"

The build and the pain in his voice

Not anger just pain and sadness

Its actually killing me.

And then it returns to the chorus

"Cause I like you best

So I’ll be your man till we rest for good

Buried in clothes that you picked out

If wе're going down, babe, I’m taking you with"

But he changes it to "if we're going down" instead of "if I'm going down" so he's changing it from just him going down to the relationship going down. And how the build from earlier is still there until "I'm taking you with" where it settles to the tone from earlier

Idk im just a nerd for music especially when i can disect it

And relate it to my life

And how "buried in clothes that you picked out" is actually burning me to my core.

Because even if the relationship ends he'll still me "your man till i rest for good"

Meaning even if the other person breaks it off he'll still love them and be their man till he dies

And it just fits in with how i love and even if their gone i still think about them for years upon years grieving the moments we once have and that no matter what i wont forget the joy and then the emptiness i was left with. And how a part of me will still love them till I die.

Idk maybe i care too much maybe i need to stop being lesbian and stop relating everything to my feelings

Wait lowkey im gonna start postijg about individual songs idc if people see it i just need to yap even if its to a wall

[faguatiousdyke]

hihiiiii !!!! I just want to say I absolutely love all your gay yearning shitposts <3

Wait yay thank you 😊

Dw I wont stop anytime soon

[lmmunitys]

I do wanna wait

I do wanna learn every detail about you

I do wanna work things out maturely

I do wanna grow together

I do wanna prove people wrong

I do wanna understand you

[faguatiousdyke]

Computa how to tell her this

[kosmogrl]

[faguatiousdyke]

Because if you don't you'll slowly lose you and it'll be much harder to find yourself again

[faguatiousdyke]

Wait changed my user cuz previously it was my irl account user on like every platform and I do not want people finding my lesbian yearning account

So ellie is no longer bored ☹️

[faguatiousdyke]

"Stop beating the dead horse"

I will be beating every horse till I die

Wait