★ Lion El’Jonson - Secret Mission Barbie ★
He knows what Ken did!
His outfit is mostly black which causes problems because Barbie World keeps trying to pastel correct them. Every time he opens his closet, it contains pink trench coats, sparkly boots and heart-shaped sunglasses. His Dreamhouse has secret passages.
“Want to come to the beach?” Barbie asks.
“Who controls the beach?”
“The beach controls itself!”
The Lion hates that answer.
He spends the day investigating whether Barbie World has a hidden military, it doesn’t, which just makes him more suspicious.
His accessory pack includes:
* sunglasses
* tiny binoculars
* coded diary
* hairbrush with concealed blade
* one emergency horse
★ Fulgrim - Perfect Day Glamour Barbie ★
Every day is perfect because he said so!
He understands Barbie World immediately. Everything is appearances and performance, every outfit is thematically coordinated, every social interaction is a runway and every car is impractical but iconic. He changes outfits fourteen times before breakfast. Pink? Yes. Sequins? Yes. Feather boa? Yes. Roller skates? Absolutely. Matching handbag? Necessary. Tiny sunglasses? Mandatory.
He starts giving other Barbies styling advice at first they love him but then he gets intense. “Your look says fun in the sun but your earrings say unresolved beach trauma. Again.” He discovers that Barbie feet are permanently arched and calls it commitment to form. The Kens worship him as a fashion prophet and this becomes everyone’s problem.
★ Perturabo - Architect Barbie ★
The Dreamhouse has architectural bitterness now!
He looks at the Dreamhouse and is so angry he nearly becomes Beach Ken out of spite. He redesigns the Dreamhouse into a fortified brutalist pink citadel with proper stairs, water pressure, basement storage, siege resistant balconies and no slide from the bedroom to the pool because he says it compromises seriousness.
The Barbies hate it, the Kens love the man cave annex he didn’t authorize.
His accessory pack includes:
* drafting board
* tiny hard hat
* pink concrete mixer
* resentment clipboard
* structural integrity trauma
★Jaghatai Khan - Convertible Road Trip Barbie ★
The horizon isn't included so he made one!
He refuses to stay in Barbie World’s little perfect neighborhood and the instant he sees a pink convertible he is gone. He doesn't ask where the road leads... it's bright, fake, endless and somehow loops back to the beach no matter how far he drives.
He immediately begins testing the boundaries of Barbie World and organizes illegal drag races between convertibles, scooters, rollerblades and one horse he liberated from Equestrian Barbie.
The Kens call him Speed Barbie and follow him around shouting “Mojo Dojo Drift House!”. He hates the phrase but respects the enthusiasm.
His accessory pack includes:
* pink convertible
* travel mug
* sunglasses
* wind machine
* map with no edges
★ Russ - Camping Adventure Barbie ★
He came for friendship and stayed for the pack howl!
He is delighted. The tent is tiny, the campfire is fake, the marshmallows are plastic and the wolf companion is clearly a cute accessory but Russ doesn't care and adopts all of it. His Barbie outfit is a flannel, boots, cargo shorts and a tiny puffer vest that he refuses to zip. He calls every Barbie pack and every Ken "also pack, maybe."
He finds a Barbie dog, a Barbie horse and a Barbie wolf, all are now Fenrisian. The Barbies teach him a choreographed dance number, he pretends to hate it but learns every move and performs it too aggressively, knocking over the smoothie stand.
His accessory pack includes:
* wolf plush
* cooler full of meat-shaped objects
* camping chair
* tiny axe that Barbie World keeps turning into a hairbrush
* emergency marshmallow rage
★ Rogal Dorn - Home Improvement Barbie ★
The Dreamhouse is now defensible and emotionally unavailable!
He is Barbie World’s greatest asset and biggest buzzkill. He fixes everything. The Dreamhouse elevator? Reinforced. The pool ladder? Secured. The convertible garage? Properly organized. The balcony? Finally up to code.
He labels every storage bin.
“This is so cute!” Barbie says.
“It's compliant.” he replies
His accessory pack includes:
* tool belt
* clipboard
* tiny level
* safety goggles
* one smile, sold separately
★ Konrad Curze - Weirder Barbie ★
You played too hard and now he knows your sins!
Barbie World takes one look at him and goes: “Wow. You go over there.” He lives in Weird Barbie’s house immediately and loves it. Crooked stairs, strange decor, existential dread, socially rejected dolls, permanent marker trauma... It speaks to him.
“You’ve seen things.” Weird Barbie says.
“You have no idea.” He replies.
His hair is cut wrong, his eyeliner is somehow permanent, his outfit is black, pink and alarming. The Barbies are polite to him in the way people are polite to a haunted doll.
His accessory pack includes:
* marker-stained face
* bent sunglasses
* cursed snow cone
* tiny bat plush
* emotional damage
★ Sanguinius - Angel Dream Barbie ★
He believes in you and that’s devastating!
He has wings, perfect hair, soft pink clothes and the tragic aura of a limited edition collector doll that everyone wants but no child should emotionally depend on.
The Barbies and Kens alike love him. He tries to participate normally and play beach volleyball but everyone still gasps. He tries rollerblading and it becomes a renaissance painting.
He is the only one who can ask Weirder Barbie Curze if he wants to join and actually get a yes (Curze says no but appears later anyway).
His accessory pack includes:
* wing-friendly jacket
* halo sunglasses
* kindness tote bag
* doomed poetry journal
* one soft feather everyone fights over
He hates the plastic tools personally. The wrench bends, the screwdriver is decorative, the hammer is pink and hollow. He immediately improves every car, the convertible now has real suspension, a reinforced chassis and better torque.
The Dreamhouse kitchen blender becomes powerful enough to process granite. The elevator moves too fast and the Kens love this, they ask him to build a horse truck. Ferrus says no then builds one because the original idea offended him and he needed to do it correctly.
His accessory pack includes:
* real wrench
* tank top
* glitter goggles he denies liking
* pink garage lift
* broken toy hammer as a warning
★ Angron - Boxing Gym Barbie ★
Feel your feelings then hit the bag!
Barbie World tries to give him a cheerful fitness set with pink gloves, a cute towel and a motivational water bottle that says YOU GOT THIS!
“Do I.” He stares at the bottle.
The gym is too bright and cheerful, the punching bag has a smiley face on it. At first he hates everything until a Ken tries the punching bag and says: "This is hard."
“Yes.” Angron looks at him. He becomes an extremely intense but weirdly effective fitness coach.
The Kens become obsessed and the Barbies start taking his ange management boxing class because it is the only place in Barbie World where they are allowed to feel ugly emotions.
His accessory pack includes:
* boxing gloves
* rage towel
* water bottle he refuses to admit is useful
* cracked smiley punching bag
* soft pillow hidden in the locker
★ Guilliman -Administrative Barbie ★
Every Dreamhouse needs governance!
President Barbie is delighted for about seven minutes until Guilliman reorganizes the entire government. Barbie World has no real laws because everything works on vibes and he finds this unacceptable.
“Where is the budget?”
“What budget?”
“The budget for the beach.”
“The beach just is!”
He needs to sit down.
He creates committees, civic calendars, infrastructure plans, transport routes and a Dreamhouse zoning code. The Barbies are impressed because he makes clipboards look heroic, the Kens are terrified because he asks them what their actual jobs are.
“Beach.” ken replies.
“That's a location.” Guilliman replies.
“...beach.”
His accessory pack includes:
* clipboard
* laptop
* sensible blazer
* municipal planning map
* emotional support spreadsheet
★ Mortarion - Compost Garden Barbie★
Rot is just nature telling the truth!
He is assigned to the Barbie World garden because it's the only place with soil.... Unfortunately the soil is perfect pink decorative plastic. He hates it.
He builds a little greenhouse full of mushrooms, medicinal plants and one tomato plant he insists he doesn't care about. The Kens find his compost barrel and ask if it's a grill. Mortarion closes his eyes for a long time.
His accessory pack includes:
* gardening gloves
* ugly boots
* compost bin
* tiny sign reading NO GLITTER IN THE SOIL
★ Magnus the Red - Astronomer Mystic Barbie ★
The stars are plastic but the consequences are real!
He gets a telescope, a pink notebook and immediately starts correcting the star chart.
“These constellations are nonsense.”
“They’re pretty!” says Barbie.
“So are lies.”
He turns the Dreamhouse observatory into a forbidden metaphysical research center, the Barbies like his astrology readings until they become too accurate. He also gets into a fight with the narrator.
His accessory pack includes:
* telescope
* sparkly star cape
* forbidden notebook
* sparkly third-eye sunglasses
* tiny warding circle rug
★ Horus Lupercal - Charismatic Ken ★
He makes patriarchy sound like group therapy!
He isn't a Barbie but a Ken, the Ken who immediately understands that Ken society is emotionally fragile, status starved, beach obsessed and vulnerable to speeches about purpose. Within one day the Kens are wearing matching jackets and calling him brother.
He doesn't seize power, he merely asks: “Have you ever wanted to be more than Beach?” The Kens gasp and somewhere the plot breaks. Barbie World wasn't designed to survive Horus helping insecure men organize.
The Kens stop saying “I am Kenough” and start saying “We are heard.”
★ Lorgar - Writer Barbie ★
Every diary entry becomes scripture if you’re intense enough!
He gets a pink typewriter, a diary, a quill pen and a cozy Dreamhouse writing nook. The Barbies love affirmations and Lorgar weaponizes it.
'You are Kenough because you are witnessed.'
'The Dreamhouse is not a place, it's a hunger for belonging.'
The Barbies are sobbing, the Kens are taking notes. He starts a journaling circle that becomes dangerously close to worship.
★ Vulkan - Craft Workshop Barbie ★
Broken is just waiting to be repaired kindly!
He fixes broken Dreamhouse furniture, teaches Kens to sew buttons, helps Barbies build shelves, repairs roller skates and starts a community craft table. He helps Weird Barbie repair dolls who were played with too hard without any judgement.
“You aren't ruined, you are loved differently.”
Everyone cries, even Curze pretends not to.
Vulkan bakes cookies in the Dreamhouse kitchen and somehow makes them real enough to eat. This confuses the metaphysics of the world but nobody cares because the cookies are amazing.
His accessory pack includes:
* craft apron
* tiny hammer
* sewing kit
* cookie tray
* infinite wholesome dad energy
★ Corvus Corax - Indie Music Barbie ★
He arrives in black jeans, boots, hoodie, chipped nail polish and a guitar he says he doesn't play. He discovers that Barbie World has no protest songs because everyone is supposed to be happy all the time and that offends him.
He starts writing songs behind the Dreamhouse, the lyrics are about plastic smiles, beach capitalism and whether perfection is just a prettier cage. Some Barbies pretend they don't love him but keep showing up to hear him play.
His accessory pack includes:
* black guitar
* zine stack
* combat boots
* tiny raven sticker
* notebook labeled Not Lyrics
★ Alpharius Omegon - Mystery Barbie ★
Collect them all! You already have!
Every box says a different thing: He’s Beach Ken! He’s Spy Barbie! He’s not Included! There are two dolls in the package, maybe three.
He infiltrates Mattel, the Kens and even the narrator. At one point, a little girl playing with the dolls asks “wait, which one is this?” Alpharius smiles and the box changes.
His tagline changes every time someone reads it.
His accessory pack includes:
* sunglasses
* fake mustache
* second sunglasses
* tiny walkie-talkie
* map of Barbie World with impossible locations
* spare head labeled NOT OMEGON
----------------------------
Sanguinius sits on the beach, watching the sunset turn perfect plastic pink. “It's beautiful.” He says softly.
“It is fake.” Curze, who is beside him wearing stolen heart-shaped sunglasses, says.
“Many beautiful things are.”
Curze considers this for a moment before handing him a blue raspberry snow cone nobody knows where he got it.
So why does the idea of Barbie sized Sev give me a mental picture of Barbie trying to convince Ken that “their” kid being born ghost white with black hair and a smirk is nothing to be concerned about?
According to @helloitsmadamehyde , she would try to convince him the kid is just from the goth line.
★ Sevatar First Captain Accessory Pack ★
Meet Sevatar, the First Captain who knows every plan is terrible but shows up anyway! Complete your Nostramo collection with Sevatar, the only accessory capable of making Konrad delay catastrophic decisions by up to three minutes!
For ages 8+ and morally compromised.
Choking hazard: contains small parts, sharp opinions and unresolved loyalty dynamics.
When you press a button on his back he can say one of four phrases:
“This is a terrible idea.”
“My lord, no.”
“I regret being correct.”
“Ave Dominus Nox, I guess.”
Includes:
* tiny chain glaive renamed Spooky Staff for safety regulations
* extra hands for pointing out hypocrisy
* removable I Am The Only Functional Adult Here cape
Lion El’Jonson
The marine asks and the Lion stares at him like the request has been translated poorly from a dead Calibanite dialect. There is a silence long enough for three Watchers in the Dark to form a committee.
Then the Lion gives him one stiff and incredibly awkward hug, it lasts exactly two seconds and the marine hears the Primarch mutter "acceptable." The Dark Angel spends the next 400 years telling no one, the marine spends the next 400 years emotionally healed.
Fulgrim
“Of course, my son.”
Fulgrim hugs beautifully. Perfect angle, perfect hand placement, somehow there is lighting and a nearby cherub begins painting the scene.
The marine feels cherished and elevated, Fulgrim pulls back and says:
“Your posture during the embrace was slightly uneven, we shall practice.” Now the marine has hug training every Thursday.
Perturabo
The marine asks and Perturabo looks at him with the pure disgust of a man who has just been asked to install Windows Vista on a cogitator.
“No.”
The marine nods and leaves. Three hours later Perturabo has built an automated siege-grade compression device calibrated to simulate paternal approval. It has killed six Iron Warriors but Perturabo insists this is user error.
Jaghatai Khan
The marine asks, Jaghatai laughs delighted and pulls him into a crushing one-armed hug. “Good! A warrior who asks plainly for what he wants. Better than brooding in corners like a gargoyle.” (Somewhere the Lion sneezes.)
He claps the marine on the back hard enough to reset his heart and then makes him ride for six hours because 'the soul digests affection better at speed.'
Leman Russ
The marine asks and Russ is already hugging him before the sentence is finished. The marine’s ribs make a noise, Russ is laughs, someone brings ale, someone else starts singing, the marine is now legally part of a saga.
“Any son of mine who asks for a hug gets one! And any son too proud to ask gets two!” Russ says. Space Wolves across the hall begin fleeing.
Rogal Dorn
The Marine asks, Dorn pauses then says “yes.” The hug is firm, structurally sound, emotionally reinforced with no wasted movement. The marine feels safer than he has ever felt in his life, he also feels like he has been temporarily installed into a fortress wall.
“This was a good use of time.” Dorn says.
Then he makes a note in a tactical log: "Hugs: morale-effective. Implement sparingly but sincerely". Dorn didn't know he needed it until later when he stood alone and thought ''That was… good.'
Konrad Curze
The Marine asks, everyone in the room stops breathing, Curze slowly turns his head. “A hug?” Curze approaches like a cryptid, he wraps his arms around the marine with terrifying gentleness. It's cold, awkward and lasts too long. The marine realizes Curze has no idea when a hug is supposed to end.
“I saw nine possible futures where you asked this. In six, I killed you. In one, you cried. In one, I cried. In this one, we are both confused.” Curze whispers.
Sanguinius
The Marine asks and Sanguinius looks heartbroken that the marine thought he even had to ask. “Oh, my son.” The hug is divine. It fixes posture, trauma, hairline and one unresolved childhood issue the marine didn’t know survived indoctrination.
Nearby Blood Angels start quietly forming a line. “My lord, may I also-” one asks. Sanguinius opens both arms, the entire legion begins crying but in a beautiful way.
Ferrus Manus
The Marine asks and Ferrus looks mildly annoyed. He grabs the Marine by the shoulders and pulls him into something that is technically a hug but feels like being inspected by industrial equipment. It is brief, powerful and it may also have dented his ceramite.
“You are not weak for needing reinforcement.” Ferrus says and immediately pretends he said nothing profound.
Angron
The marine asks. Bad room, bad timing, bad everything.
“What?” Angron snarls. The Marine repeats it because apparently this son has chosen death but politely. For a second Angron looks like he might tear him apart then something in him cracks in the other direction.
The hug is brutal, trembling and almost too tight, not affectionate in the usual way, more like Angron is trying to hold together a world that was never allowed to exist.
Guilliman
The marine asks and Guilliman says “of course” then he hugs him warmly and normally, like an emotionally functional person. Afterward, Guilliman asks if this is an isolated morale issue or if the chapter requires a broader framework for paternal reassurance.
By evening there is a document titled: Codex Astartes Appendix CXLII: On Appropriate Fraternal and Paternal Physical Reassurance in Times of Strategic Distress
Mortarion
The marine asks and Mortarion stares.
“No.”
The Marine nods sadly and mortarion watches him go. Five minutes later Mortarion appears beside him like a tuberculosis cryptid and says:
“Do not misunderstand me, I refused because sentiment makes warriors dependent.”
Then he stands there silently and finally places one huge hand on the Marine’s shoulder. It isn't a hug but the emotional equivalent of finding a blanket in a plague bunker. “Endure.”
Magnus the Red
The marine asks, Magnus smiles.
“My son, what you seek is not merely contact but recognition of the soul’s ache-”
“Father, I meant a hug.”
Magnus gives him one then also accidentally shares a psychic vision of cosmic unity, ancient Prospero, the marine’s own buried loneliness and a metaphor involving a burning library.
The marine is healed, enlightened and has a migraine.
“Was that sufficient?” Magnus asks.
“Yes, lord.” The marine replies weeping.
Horus
The marine asks and Horus beams.
“Come here.”
The hug is perfect: warm, strong, charming, fatherly, the kind of hug that makes a transhuman killing machine think, “I would follow this man anywhere.”
Horus remembers the marine’s name, his squad, his last campaign and exactly what to say. The marine leaves glowing with devotion and somewhere fate starts sweating.
Lorgar
The marine asks and Lorgar’s eyes immediately go wet.
“My son…”
He hugs him like this is a sacrament and the Emperor himself might finally understand basic emotional literacy if enough people embraced sincerely.
The marine gets a hug then a sermon and a handwritten devotional pamphlet titled The Sacred Geometry of the Father’s Arms. The hug was excellent and the followup reading wasn't optional.
Vulkan
The marine asks and Vulkan looks offended because he realizes this son has been walking around not already hugged.
“My son, come here.”
The marine disappears into the hug like a child inside a weighted blanket made of volcanoes and unconditional support.
Vulkan pats his back with the restraint of a god trying not to liquefy a beloved ant. Every Salamander nearby is nodding approvingly.
Corvus Corax
The marine asks and Corax appears from a shadow.
“You may.”
The Marine nearly dies of cardiac surprise. The hug is quiet, careful and brief but not cold, Corax is very aware that some wounds don't like being grabbed. He lets the Marine choose how long it lasts.
“Do not mistake silence for absence.” Corax says afterward then vanishes dramatically because he physically can't end an emotional moment like a normal person.
Alpharius/Omegon
The Marine asks his primarch for a hug and his primarch says:
“Certainly.”
The hug happens or does it? Later the Marine receives six conflicting reports:
He hugged Alpharius.
He hugged Omegon.
He hugged a body double.
He was hugged by three operatives in a trench coat.
He himself is Alpharius and hugged himself.
The hug was a psyop to improve morale metrics.
sorry to be a broken record every month but christ menstruation is a stupid concept. oooooh excuse me for not getting pregnant, why the fuck is there goo falling out of me about it? grow the fuck up and reabsorb that shit for nutrients.
Spoilers I guess for the end of The First Heretic by ADB.
Been gone for like over a decade, and came back just to post niche warhammer crap (I'm reading the horus heresy. Send thoughts and prayers.) I may post a lot of crap making fun of Konrad in the near future.
I’ve been at this since like September. Originally the plan was to do five panels but by the time I reached three I realized it was absolutely going to be too heavy. If the back bothers me then I’ll just buy some black fabric and sew it on.
I pinned it excessively since I have been warned the feathers won’t flatten unless blocked aggressively. They still don’t behave themselves 100% but again, if it bothers me I’m willing to steam block it in the future. Super fun before and after pics.
Pattern is of course the feathered wings shawl by my favorite pattern designer craftyintentions.
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