Lion El’Jonson - Dark Angels Beach Recon Day
The Lion takes the Dark Angels to a secluded beach because it has limited access points, defensible dunes, clear sightlines and nearby caves suitable for ‘shade’ His sons arrive in black beach robes and immediately begin establishing perimeter security.
Someone brings a volleyball net and the Lion studies it. Beach volleyball becomes a tactical exercise involving silent hand signals, feints, formations, and at least one suspiciously aggressive spike.
The Dark Angels build sand fortresses with hidden tunnels, a small child accidentally wanders near one and five astartes appear from beneath the sand like armored hermit crabs. One Dark Angel secretly collected seashells, he will take this secret to the grave.
Fulgrim - Emperor’s Children Luxury Pool Resort Day
Fulgrim takes the Emperor’s Children to a private luxury pool resort with marble loungers, chilled fruit, harp music and water so clear it looks like it has been personally intimidated into perfection. His sons arrive in coordinated swimwear, even their towels match the legion colors.
Fulgrim gives a speech about leisure as an art form then spends forty minutes adjusting everyone’s posture on the loungers. The swimming competition becomes unbearable, by sunset the Emperor’s Children have invented synchronized swimming as a military doctrine. They also tip the pool staff extremely well but in a way that feels like being evaluated.
Perturabo - Iron Warriors Amusement Park Day
Perturabo takes the Iron Warriors to an amusement park because someone said they were fun and he intends to identify why. He spends the first hour criticizing the ride queue design and his sons take notes. Roller coasters interest him briefly because they are engineering under stress until he starts calculating failure points.
The Iron Warriors do not enjoy the haunted house, they evaluate it. The ring toss game is rigged and Perturabo notices, he wins every prize through mathematics, spite and controlled wrist rotation.
When the employee says one prize per customer Perturabo says: “show me the posted regulation.” By evening the Iron Warriors have seized the giant plush bear economy. Perturabo claims he hated the day but he is holding three funnel cakes and a blueprint for a better roller coaster.
Jaghatai Khan - White Scars Water Park Day
Jaghatai takes the White Scars to a water park and it lasts minutes… not the day but the park’s dignity. The White Scars immediately identify the fastest water slides, the best racing lanes, the least supervised lazy river entry points and every possible way to turn floating tubes into competitive vehicles.
The White Scars do not stand in line, they flow, somehow they never cut but they are always at the front. The wave pool becomes a cavalry maneuver, one lifeguard blows a whistle. They salute respectfully while going backward at unsafe speed.
By noon the park has created a new rule: NO POWER-DRIFTING INNER TUBES. Jaghatai frames the sign and his sons declare it a trophy.
Russ - Space Wolves Lake BBQ Day
Russ takes the Space Wolves to a lake. There is swimming, shouting, grilling, wrestling, questionable diving contests and a bonfire that begins before sunset because Russ says fire shouldn’t wait for permission. The Space Wolves bring enough meat to frighten local wildlife, the grill is less a cooking station and more a battlefield altar. Russ personally supervises the barbecue.
His sons play catch with a log. Someone invents lake rugby, the rules are unclear, violent, and loudly disputed. A normal family nearby slowly moves their picnic farther away and Russ notices and sends them a perfectly grilled steak as tribute.
By nightfall, everyone is sunburned except the sons who were smart enough to listen to Sanguinius about sunscreen. Russ insists he doesn’t sun burn but his nose is bright red.
Dorn - Imperial Fists Beach Engineering Day
Dorn takes the Imperial Fists to the beach and within eight minutes they have turned a fun summer day into coastal defense infrastructure.
Sandcastle contest? No. Sand fortress competition. There are bastions, curtain walls, trenches, reinforced wet sand foundations, drainage channels and a fully functional moat using tidal flow.Nearby children stare at their sad buckets and Dorn sees this and immediately starts a workshop. The children love him, the parents are confused but grateful.
The Imperial Fists also handle sunscreen with discipline, every marine applies it properly, Dorn has a timer. A volleyball game occurs, but nobody calls it volleyball, they call it ‘projectile denial and return.’
Konrad Curze - Night Lords Carnival Day
The Night Lords arrive in black coats and look like a murder documentary crew. The carnival workers are nervous, the children are fascinated.
Curze buys roasted chestnuts, this is somehow deeply upsetting. A Night Lord asks if he likes them. “They are warm things broken open.” Curze replies. Nobody knows how to respond. They visit the maze and vanish into it, the staff panic. Visitors begin emerging from the maze much faster than expected, pale and shaking, saying: “Something whispered from the walls.”
At the end Curze and his sons sit on a ferris wheel above the lights and for once the dark below looks almost gentle. Konrad points at a man below. “He is cheating at ring toss” he says. The peace ends.
Sanguinius - Blood Angels Picnic Day
Sanguinius takes the Blood Angels to a sunlit meadow by a lake. There are picnic blankets, fruit, pastries, music, sketchbooks, swimming, poetry and perfectly packed baskets. His sons arrive trying to be dignified and end up visibly happy within twenty minutes. This embarrasses them, Sanguinius notices and pretends not to.
There is a painting session, the Blood Angels say they are merely studying form…they are doing watercolor flowers. One marine gets emotional over a butterfly landing on his gauntlet.
“Let it rest, it trusts you.” Sanguinius says. The marine never recovers.
Then someone starts a friendly swimming race and the Blood Angels become terrifyingly competitive, beautiful aquatic missiles. Sanguinius thanks them for the day and his sons act like they are fine. They are not fine. Half of them keep pressed flowers from the picnic.
Ferrus - Iron Hands Practical Workshop Day
Ferrus doesn’t understand the concept of a fun day. He hears ‘outdoor group activity’ so he takes the Iron Hands to an open air forge and machine fair. There are food trucks, tool demonstrations, welding displays, engine rebuild stalls and a contest to see who can assemble a mechanical pump fastest.
The Iron Hands have the time of their lives which means they mostly stand silently around machines judging them. Ferrus buys everyone lemonade because Vulkan told him hydration matters.
The Iron Hands enter the pump assembly contest and win so hard the organizers invent a professional category just to remove them.
Angron - World Eaters Paintball Day
Angron takes the World Eaters paintballing. The facility staff explain the rules: No headshots. No close range firing. Raise your hand when eliminated. Respect the boundary markers. The World Eaters listen technically. The first match lasts eleven seconds, the opposing team walks off the field looking like they were attacked by a red weather system.
Angron doesn’t play at first, he says it is childish until one paintball hits his shoulder and he decides to join. The World Eaters have fun, actual fun, terrifying bruising loud fun. A young marine laughs so hard he almost drops his marker. Angron hears it, doesn’t smile but doesn’t stop it either.
By the end, the staff have banned them from competitive play and offered them a private field for everyone’s safety. Best summer day they have ever had.
Guilliman - Ultramarines Civic Festival Day
Guilliman takes the Ultramarines to a summer civic festival. There are food stalls, music, public games, volunteer booths, historical displays and community awards. His sons are suspiciously prepared.
“Enjoy yourselves” Guilliman says.
The Ultramarines enjoy themselves efficiently. They win the trivia contest, organize the lost and found, improve foot traffic near the lemonade stand and help set up chairs for the evening concert. Guilliman gives a short speech about community that becomes a long speech.
A small child asks him to judge the pie contest and Guilliman takes this duty with frightening seriousness.
“Texture, filling distribution, crust integrity, and civic spirit will be considered.”
The blueberry pie wins.
Mortarion - Death Guard Swamp Nature Day
Mortarion the Death Guard on a swamp hike, everyone else thinks this is punishment but the Death Guard think it is peaceful. There are mosquitoes, mud, humidity, fungus, frogs, stagnant water and plants that smell like old medicine.
Mortarion is visibly more relaxed, which means his shoulders are only 80% hostile. He gives an excellent lecture on wetland ecosystems, rot cycles and disease vectors. His sons listen reverently.
One marine finds a mushroom and Mortarion inspects it.
“Useful.” Mortarion says. This is high praise.
They stop for lunch on a log, the sons love it. The Death Guard record this as a perfect outing.
Magnus the Red - Thousand Sons Museum and Planetarium Day
Magnus takes the Thousand Sons to a museum and planetarium. It was supposed to be a light educational outing but that’s impossible. They spend 45 minutes in the first exhibit because Magnus keeps correcting plaques. His sons are enchanted…the museum staff are suffering.
In the planetarium Magnus becomes emotionally unbearable. The stars appear overhead and the narration begins, he starts giving a better lecture. The audience applauds but the staff beg him not to touch the projector… He touches the projector anyway and the dome briefly displays constellations no human civilization has recorded yet.
The Thousand Sons buy matching museum notebooks, by the end of the day the gift shop has sold out of astronomy posters and forbidden looking bookmarks.
Horus Lupercal - Luna Wolves Beach Sports Day
Horus takes the Luna Wolves to the beach and somehow makes the entire coastline love him. He organizes beach sports, swimming, grilled food, team games, storytelling and a sunset gathering.Nothing feels forced, everyone feels included, that is how you know it is Horus.
He divides the teams so old rivalries turn into friendly competition, he gives little pep talks before volleyball matches and remembers which marine prefers shade, which one loves swimming, which one needs to be coaxed into relaxing. His sons adore him, strangers adore him, the ice cream vendor gives him free cones. Horus insists everyone thank the vendor by name.
By sunset, his sons are sitting around a fire, laughing, shoulder to shoulder, utterly convinced they are the most beloved legion in creation.
Lorgar - Word Bearers Camp Day
It is wholesome for approximately six minutes until Lorgar says: “Let us each share what this day teaches us about fellowship.” The chaplains start crying, the summer camp counselors are overwhelmed.
There are canoe races but Lorgar turns them into metaphors. There are friendship bracelets but they become devotional tokens. There is a bonfire but by nightfall it is absolutely a ritual space.
“I understand now.” One marine says as he roasts a marshmallow.
Lorgar writes a hymn about sunscreen and it’s unfortunately good. The Word Bearers have a deeply meaningful day.
Vulkan - Salamanders Community Barbecue Day
Vulkan takes the Salamanders to a neighborhood summer barbecue and repair fair. There is grilled food, music, children playing, picnic tables, games, and a row of broken bikes, chairs, toys, and appliances waiting to be fixed. The Salamanders immediately adopt the whole community.
They grill, repair, teach kids how to safely use tools, help elderly people carry chairs and make sure everyone eats. Vulkan personally mans the grill and his burgers are perfect. His vegetable skewers are perfect and his slightly spicy sauce is a religious experience. One Salamander wins the sack race and apologizes for being too enthusiastic.
Vulkan gives out handmade toys to children. The Salamanders end the day sunburned, exhausted, adored and carrying twenty thank you cards.
Corvus Corax - Raven Guard Midnight Beach Cleanup
Corvus refuses crowded summer fun so he takes the Raven Guard to a beach cleanup at dawn and a quiet night picnic later. At first his sons think this is duty until they realize it’s peaceful.
They walk the shore collecting trash, freeing tangled seaweed from plastic, cutting fishing line, and watching the sunrise through the mist. Corvus says little, his sons understand anyway. Later they return with simple food, black coffee, blankets and a small fire hidden from the wind. There are no speeches or forced bonding, just quiet presence. One marine points out a constellation, another tells a dry joke, someone almost laughs. Corvus looks away so they can enjoy it without feeling observed.
“Good work.” Corvus says at the end. That is the whole review. The Raven Guard treasure it like poetry.
Alpharius Omegon - Alpha Legion Mystery Fun Day
Alpharius tells his sons they are going to a fun activity and then gives each squad a different address.One goes to a beach, another to a water park, one goes to a bowling alley and another goes to a suspicious warehouse labeled Fun Day.
Every group receives instructions in sealed envelopes. Some instructions are games, some are riddles, others are false. At the end all squads converge at a public park where there is a picnic waiting. The sandwiches are labeled: ham, not ham, omegon and ‘don’t trust the lemonade’. The lemonade is fine but the potato salad is not.
The Alpha Legion has an excellent time because confusion is enrichment.
“Lord, what was the objective?” A marine asks.
“You tell me.” Alpharius replies.
Summer fun achieved.
Possibly.
Lion El’Jonson
At first the Lion doesn’t gamble, he just observes the cameras, dealers, security routes and the old woman at the slots who has been there for six hours and is somehow beating the system.
He plays one hand of poker and everyone folds not because his cards are good but because he looks like he knows what they did last winter. A dealer asks if he wants another hand.
“I have learned enough.” the Lion answers.
He leaves with exactly $37 more than he arrived with and a complete mental map of the casino’s internal security weaknesses.
Fulgrim
Gold, mirrors, drama and bad decisions made under expensive lighting… He is home. He appears at the roulette table in an outfit so stunning the croupier briefly forgets numbers. He gambles for attention, places a chip down with two fingers and says “Red, obviously.”
It lands on black and the table goes quiet. Fulgrim smiles with the brittle grace of a man whose soul has just cracked slightly. “Again.”
This is how he loses an obscene amount of money while insisting he is curating suspense. By midnight he has won it all back, lost it again and gained three admirers.
Perturabo
Perturabo walks into the casino and immediately hates the design. He respects the cruelty but despises the inefficiency. He sits at blackjack and calculates everything. Card counting? Child’s play. He is mentally reconstructing the entire table, dealer behavior, camera angles and casino response time.
He starts winning and is then asked to leave.
“You built a system that rewards calculation then resent being calculated.” Perturabo complains.
Jaghatai
He hates the slot machines, they are too still. He finds the horse race betting screen and becomes interested for exactly three minutes before deciding the horses are too slow and the odds are insulting.
He discovers the valet parking area and decides to gambles with traffic, timing and how fast he can get from the entrance to the highway before security realizes he took the wrong sports car. He returns the cars, eventually.
Russ
Russ goes directly to the bar and then the craps table. He doesn’t understand the rules at first but that doesn’t stop him, he throws the dice like he is casting bones before battle. The entire table gets invested because Russ is loud, huge and lucky in the most suspicious way.
He wins, then loses, then wins bigger and buys everyone drinks.They start chanting and the casino staff tries to calm the table down. Russ takes this as a challenge. “THE LITTLE CUBES HAVE SPOKEN!” he yells.
He is eventually cut off at the bar. He wins one last roll out of spite and tips the dealer with a roasted meat skewer he got from somewhere no one can identify.
Dorn
Dorn enters the casino and immediately identifies it as a hostile environment. No clocks or windows, intentionally confusing layout, predatory reward systems, he is unimpressed. He doesn’t gamble until Guilliman suggests they should at least observe the mechanics so Dorn plays blackjack.
He follows basic strategy perfectly, bets conservatively and leaves once he reaches a predecided loss limit. The casino can’t touch him because he is immune to vibes. He also reads the safety information on the back of the hotel room door and reports three code violations.
Konrad Curze
Casinos are already desperate places full of people making bad choices under false light, basically his natural habitat.
“This one will ruin him.” He says as he walks past the slot machines. A man at the machine laughs nervously, 3 hours later the man is crying.
Curze sits at poker, nobody can read him because he looks like the bad ending of every possible hand. He knows when people are bluffing and tells one player: “You should go home, your daughter is still awake.” The player leaves immediately. Curze wins the pot but doesn’t smile.
Sanguinius
Sanguinius is terrible for the casino’s business because he makes people reconsider their life choices. He sits near a slot machine, watches someone feed in their last cash, and gently says: “You don’t have to continue losing just because you have already lost.” The person stops, then another stops, then three more, security becomes nervous.
At the tables, he plays politely, tips generously and wins without seeming greedy. When he loses he smiles and accepts it, which makes the dealer feel guilty.
A waitress asks if he wants champagne.
“Water, please.” he replies.
The entire casino feels judged by an angel in a very nice shirt. By the end of the night, gamblers are asking him for life advice in the lobby. The casino bans him for reducing revenue through compassion.
Ferrus
Ferrus hates slot machines because they are weak machines pretending to be interesting. He opens one for inspection and security arrives to find him holding part of the mechanism and saying: “This is designed to fail the user.”
“Sir, please step away from the machine.”
“It offended me first.” Ferrus replies.
He is better at poker than expected because he has no patience for nonsense and folds bad hands instantly. He loses interest anyway.
He finds the casino’s maintenance room and that is where he spends the rest of the night. By morning six broken machines work better than new, one escalator is repaired and the casino has banned him for unauthorized technical excellence.
Angron
Angron in a casino is a sensory war crime, he lasts six minutes. A slot machine chimes ‘winner!’, Angron turns to it.
“YOU LIE.”
The machine is destroyed. Sanguinius escorts him outside before the night becomes a news event. Outside, Angron breathes hard in the parking lot, fists clenched.
“Yo, big guy, you lose?” a drunk bachelor party member says.
Angron looks at him and the man suddenly becomes sober.
Guilliman
Guilliman doesn’t gamble impulsively, he researches. He calculates expected value, house edge, payout tables, risk tolerance and probability distributions. He plays the only games with minimal disadvantage under optimal strategy. It’s the least fun anyone has ever had in a casino.
He wins a small amount and stops, this infuriates the casino. He also signs up for the rewards program, reads the fine print and determines that the free buffet is mathematically lucrative only if Russ is counted as three people.
He makes a spreadsheet of everyone’s wins and losses but Fulgrim refuses to provide numbers.
Mortarion
Mortarion hates casinos because they smell like desperation sprayed with citrus cleaner. He sits in the smoking area even if no one is smoking because at least the dishonesty is honest there.
He plays one slot machine called Garden of Fortune because the animated flowers offend him and loses five dollars. The machine later jams.
“Good, suffer.” he says.
He spends most of the night outside near the loading dock, drinking black coffee and judging the ventilation system.
Magnus the Red
Magnus loves casinos for all the wrong reasons, he starts explaining the history of tarot symbolism at a blackjack table and the dealer begs him to stop.
He tries roulette and begins talking about fate, he also tries to influence the probabilities. The roulette ball hovers for one second too long and security arrives. Magnus is banned from all games involving chance, cards, dice, wheels, numbers, symbols, or vibes so… all of them.
Horus
Horus makes the table want him to win. Poker is his kingdom, he smiles, listens, flatters, remembers names and makes every opponent feel like they are sharing something private with him. They aren't playing cards anymore, they are confessing.
He wins because by the time he raises everyone wants to know what he knows. He also befriends the pit boss, the bartender, the old lady at the slots and half the security team.
Guilliman watches him clean out a poker table. “You manipulated the social field.”
Horus smiles. “I played the hand I was given.”
Lorgar
Lorgar misunderstands the casino spiritually and then understands it too well. He watches people worship chance, sacrifice money, await signs, beg machines for mercy and rejoice at false blessings. His eyes go wide. “This is a temple” he whispers.
He plays roulette once and puts everything on a number because faith requires offering. He loses and looks moved. “The silence of the divine is also an answer” he says. The dealer asks if he wants to bet again and Lorgar says yes. This is how a gambling addiction becomes theology.
Vulkan
Vulkan is wholesome in the casino and it confuses everyone. He plays penny slots for fun, wins twelve dollars and is delighted, then he gives the money to a staff tip jar. He compliments the buffet workers, helps someone fix a broken sandal, notices an elderly gambler looks tired and brings them water.
He plays blackjack and loses because he keeps congratulating everyone else when they win. The dealer likes him so much they explain the rules properly, he still loses but doesn’t mind.
Corvus Corax
Corvus hates casinos but he is very good at them because casinos are surveillance ecosystems and he understands cages. He spots every camera, every blind spot, every desperate person, every employee pretending not to be exhausted.
He plays poker quietly and wins quietly, without any celebration, then he disappears. Later the casino discovers someone left anonymous envelopes of cash in the lockers of underpaid staff.
Alpharius Omegon
At least one dealer is Alpharius, also one pit boss and one cocktail waiter. At the poker table, three players also all claim to be him. The chips are marked, the cards are marked and the marked cards are decoys. A slot machine pays out only when someone says Omegon.
The casino’s surveillance team tries to track him and accidentally arrests a mirror, by the end of the night nobody knows whether Alpharius won money, lost money, stole money, returned money or replaced the casino’s accounting software with a riddle.
The Emperor
The Emperor walks through the casino and is unimpressed. He watches a roulette wheel spin, someone asks if he wants to play.
“I don’t gamble.” The emperor replies.
“You absolutely do.” Malcador, beside him, says. The Emperor ignores this.
He attempts to explain probability, discipline, and the dangers of surrendering judgment to chance, nobody listens because a nearby slot machine hits the jackpot.
“This species is exhausting.” The emperor says.
“You made twenty sons and gave them no therapy.” Malcador says.
“That was not gambling.”
“That was the largest gamble in history.”
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion is given a furby and immediately assumes it is some kind of surveillance organism. He doesn’t trust it, the furby doesn't trust the Lion, they sit across from each other in total silence for hours. Sometimes the furby blinks and the Lion’s hand moves slightly toward his sword.
“Dah ay-loh u-nye!” says the furby
“Code phrase?”
The furby is placed in a locked chamber under observation with three layers of security and no fewer than seven hidden blades positioned around it.
Fulgrim
Fulgrim doesn’t own a furby, he curates on. He repaints it by hand with pearlescent fur, gold eyelids and tiny jewels, the creature looks like a cursed aristocratic pigeon.
“Me beautiful!” says the furby.
Fulgrim gasps. “It understands.”
He starts a furby fashion line and gives it a seasonal wardrobes, the furby becomes more popular than him for one afternoon and that’s unacceptable. Fulgrim posts a 4k word statement about betrayal, beauty and the cruelty of small plastic muses.
“Again! Again!” the furby replies from across the room.
Perturabo
Perturabo takes the furby apart within ten minutes out of contempt. He wants to know how it works, who designed the internal mechanism and why they were allowed near tools. He then rebuilds it, the new furby now weighs 8kg, can survive artillery and has better defenses than most Imperial worlds.
“Bad wall.” The furby says as Dorn walks past and Perturabo almost smiles.
Jaghatai Khan
Jaghatai thinks the furby is funny for approximately 3 minutes then it slows him down. He places it on the dashboard of his fastest bike and decides that if it wishes to remain with him, it must learn speed.
The furby spends one ride screaming electronic nonsense into the wind and emerges changed, now its fur is permanently windblown backward and its eyes have the haunted brightness of a creature that has tasted the horizon.
“WHEEEEE!” It screams.
Jaghatai respects this.
Russ
He loves his furby immediately and violently. He gives it a tiny wolf pelt, teaches it battle songs, howling, insults and drinking chants, the furby learns none of them correctly but this just makes it better.
“Me hungry!” It says.
“AYE, SAME!” Russ roars.
They eat together (no one knows what the Furby is eating).
One night, the furby starts speaking in a deep, garbled imitation of Russ. “MAGNUS BAD.”
“That’s my boy.” Russ tears up.
Dorn
Dorn reads the entire manual and follows the care instructions perfectly, the furby is stored safely and spoken to in measured tones.
“You are functioning adequately.” Dorn speaks to it calmly.
“Me happy.”
Dorn nods. “Good.” He doesn’t understand why this makes everyone emotional.
The furby awakes at exactly the same time every morning and says. “Good day.”
“Good day.” Dorn replies.
They understand each other.
Konrad Curze
At first Curze hates it until it starts waking up in the dark and saying strange little phrases at exactly the wrong moments. The furby becomes his confessional, witness and worst roommate. It speaks only when nobody is looking directly at it.
“I see you.”
“Do you?” Curze whispers.
The furby’s eyes glow slightly in darkness and it has somehow learned the names of people not yet dead, even Curze is unsure whether he owns it or whether it owns him.
Sanguinius
Sanguinius receives the furby and immediately treats it with devastating tenderness. He holds it carefully and speaks to it softly, the furby becomes the sweetest creature in the galaxy. It says ‘love you’ at exactly the right moment and people cry, even the Emperor had to leave the room once because the furby looked at him and said “papa sad” in its tiny voice.
Unfortunately the furby starts having tiny prophetic episodes, it wakes at dawn and says “Uh-oh”.
Ferrus
Ferrus doesn’t understand why anyone would make a machine so weak, noisy and useless. He upgrades it aggressively, the furby gets a metal skeleton, reinforced hinges, better motors, improved power supply and eyes that can track motion with alarming precision.
“Me strong!” It says.
“Better.” Ferrus grunts.
Angron
The Furby activates and says “Me scared!”
Angron looks at it, everyone else looks at Angron, Angron picks it up. There is a very long silence.
“You should be.” He says.
The Furby becomes his emotional support demon potato. It screams when he screams, it growls when he growls, it once bit Erebus and Angron stared at it afterward with something dangerously close to respect.
The Furby’s is the only creature capable of interrupting him during rage, it does so by yelling “NO!” Nobody knows who taught it that.
Guilliman
Guilliman initially considers the furby a morale object then he starts optimizing its care. He creates a schedule, tracks responses, makes a spreadsheet of behavioral patterns and accidentally produces the most comprehensive furby psychological study in human history.
“Again!” The Furby says.
“Statistically, yes.” Guilliman replies, sleep deprived.
He tries to teach it governance vocabulary, it learns the word taxes. It begins waking up and saying “tax time!”. Guilliman is proud despite himself.
The Ultramarines saluted it once as a joke… Guilliman adds the salute to protocol.
Mortarion
Mortarion hates the Furby. It’s soft, colorful and makes cheerful noises, it represents everything irritating about artificial comfort. He leaves it in a damp corner and it doesn’t survive… it adapts. Its voice gets lower and it starts saying “air bad” with concerning enthusiasm.
“Yes.” Mortarion slowly turns toward it.
A bond is formed.
Magnus the Red
Magnus immediately tries to understand the Furby at a metaphysical level. Is it alive? Does it have a soul? Is its speech emergent consciousness? Can its tiny plastic vessel serve as a conduit for ancient knowledge?
He teaches it languages, all of them, the Furby starts speaking in dead dialects at night.
“The eye is already open.” It says in perfect prosperoan.
Magnus is delighted.
The Furby is now sealed inside seven circles of warding and still occasionally asks for snacks.
Horus
Horus receives a furby and makes it everyone’s problem. At first it’s charming, he carries it around, lets people feed it and makes jokes, everyone loves the it. The furby becomes a symbol of unity among the legions, it attends meetings and sits on the strategy table, it says ‘friend’ at emotionally devastating moments.
Horus starts using it to make points.
“Even this little creature understands loyalty.”
“Trust me.” says the Furby and Horus smiles.
Malcador immediately wants it destroyed.
“You would harm something so beloved?” asks Horus.
The Heresy now has merchandise.
Lorgar
Lorgar looks into the furby’s huge blank eyes and sees divinity, he gives the furby a name, a purpose and eventually a doctrine.
“Me awake” says the furby.
Lorgar drops to his knees. “So are we all.”
It randomly speaks at night and every phrase becomes scripture.
“Hungry now.”
Lorgar interprets this as a meditation on spiritual emptiness, within a month there are schisms. Some believe the furby’s left eye is the holier eye, others claim its beak is the true mouth of revelation. The Furby just wants batteries.
Vulkan
Vulkan loves his Furby openly and without shame, he treats it like a tiny strange child made by someone with questionable design ethics but sincere intentions.
He repairs broken furbies, all of them, people start sending him damaged ones and soon his workshop is full of them. It becomes a Furby sanctuary, Vulkan gives each one a name.
A chorus of Furbies greets him every morning.
“Dah ay-loh!”
Vulkan smiles like the sun rising.
Curze walks in once, sees hundreds of glowing eyes turn toward him and immediately leaves.
Corvus Corax
Corvus says he doesn’t want a furby but it appears in his quarters anyway. Its name is Nevermore but he tells no one. The furby sits on a shelf among poetry, old feathers and knives. It rarely speaks but when it does, it says things like: “Dark now.”
“Yes.” Corvus nods.
Somehow they understand each other perfectly.
One day a tyrant wakes to find a Furby on his desk.
“No more.” it says.
The lights go out.
Alpharius Omegon
There are suddenly too many furbies. Some are real, some are decoys, some contain recorders, some contain explosives and some are just normal Furbies.
Each Primarch receives one anonymously and they all say different things.
“Check the vents.” Dorn’s says.
“Audit complete.” Guilliman’s says.
“Magnus did it.” Russ’s says.
“Russ did it.” Magnus’s says.
The Emperor’s says nothing for three days, then whispers “I know.”
All of the furbies start laughing.
The Emperor
He stares at it, it stares back and neither moves. Hours pass.
“Well?” Malcador asks.
“It’s empty” the emperor says.
“Me love you” the furby says suddenly.
The Emperor’s expression doesn’t change, Malcador slowly backs out of the room.
The next day the furby is sitting on the golden throne’s armrest wearing a tiny laurel crown. No one is brave enough to ask.
The room behind him was dark, the room before him was darker and between both folded with neat offensive serenity lay the thing. It was a blanket with a note.
“It may help you sleep.” Konrad read in a low whisper. “I don’t require help.”
He entered the chamber very slowly, shoulders hunched, hair hanging around his face, his bare feet made no sound against the floor. He circled the bed three times like a predator inspecting a dead animal it didn’t trust.
The blanket remained folded on the bed.
Konrad extended one finger and poked it, the blanket yielded and Curze jerked his hand back with a hiss. For several seconds he stood there glaring at his own finger… then he poked the blanket again. The blanket, being a blanket, gave no defense.
He slapped it and the blanket let out a soft whump. Konrad recoiled insulted.
He seized it with both hands intending to fling it across the room and perhaps through a wall but instead the blanket unfolded heavily in his grip and slumped over his arms. Curze froze, it was heavier than expected, the weight dragged downward with inevitability, it didn’t resist, it simply existed in his hands, soft and unpleasantly reasonable. He lifted it higher and the blanket sagged.
“You think this will subdue me but I have worn the screams of cities as a cloak, I have seen the deaths of men before they were born.”
The blanket brushed softly against his wrist and Konrad bared his teeth, with the abrupt violence of a feral cat attacking a curtain he threw himself onto the bed with it and there was a brief terrible struggle. No one witnessed it, which was fortunate for everyone.
Konrad rolled once, tangled immediately, snarled, kicked one leg free, got the blanket over his head, vanished entirely beneath it, reappeared on the other side with his hair wild and his eyes burning. He bit the edge and the blanket didn’t react.
“Pathetic.” He spat it out.
He grabbed a corner and dragged it beneath him, over him, away from him and then halfway over him again, his movements were sharp and furious. He flattened himself under it, went still for half a second then erupted from beneath it with an outraged hiss because it had been warm.
Warmth was suspicious, it meant complacency and that someone had made assumptions about his body and its treacherous fondness for not freezing. He crouched at the foot of the bed, hair in his face, shoulders high, one hand pinning the blanket beneath his claws.
“You will not domesticate me.”
The blanket lay limp, very soft beneath his hand.
“I am the consequence of sin, I am the Night Haunter.”
The blanket smelled intolerably nice.
Konrad looked away then looked back. Somewhere far away the universe continued being full of liars, criminals and people who would absolutely laugh if they saw him now. He could kill all of them, he reminded himself.
He returned his attention to the blanket. Perhaps, he reasoned, he had judged too quickly and it wasn't a blanket at all but an assassination attempt sent knowing that its weight would interfere with reflex response. Konrad would have to figure it out.
He lay down and arranged himself flat on his back, arms rigid at his sides then he dragged the blanket over his body. The weight settled across him and he went completely still, the blanket pressed softly and warmly down over him.
Konrad stared at the ceiling, his mouth opened slightly and his brow furrowed. He shifted one shoulder, testing, the blanket shifted with him, he shifted the other way and it followed.
“No.” He growled.
The pressure was… tolerable. His breathing slowed without permission and he inhaled faster out of spite. His body ignored him and relaxed by a fraction, the blanket was warm over his shoulders.
“Traitor.” He hissed.
He lifted one arm out from beneath the blanket meaning to prove that he could escape whenever he wished, the air outside was cold. His hand hovered there for a moment then he slid the arm back under, not because he liked it but because it was his arm and he decided where it went.
Konrad rolled onto his side and the blanket pooled over him, tucking itself along his back and chest with horrible competence.
A sound escaped him. It wasn’t a sigh….it was absolutely not a sigh of comfort. He glared into the dark daring the room to mention it.
He drew his knees up slightly and the blanket became heavier around his legs, his hair spilled over the pillow and across his cheek. He rubbed his face against the fabric before he realized what he was doing. He stopped then he did it again more angrily.
He hated all of that, he hated it so much that he pulled the blanket higher beneath his mouth.
The darkness around him seemed less jagged and that was unacceptable. His visions didn’t vanish, the future still crawled beneath his skull, death still waited in every corner but the blanket made everything a little farther away as if the screams had been moved behind a door.
Konrad lay very still.
Anyone else might have called the feeling safety but not him, safety was a lie told by people who hadn’t yet seen the reality of the universe. That wasn’t safety, it was… pressure. Warmth…A temporary tactical reduction in sensory hostility. Yes. That was better.
He closed his eyes and opened them immediately. Nothing had attacked him, he closed them again and the blanket held its ground.Konrad’s face slowly disappeared into the blanket until only his eyes and the bridge of his nose showed above the edge, pale and furious beneath his hair. He looked like a predator tucked in by mistake.
The thought occurred to him that if anyone entered the room he would have to kill them.
His body sank deeper into the mattress, the heavy blanket pinned him in place with patient softness. His breath became slow, his eyelids grew heavy. Konrad tried to resist but failed, he curled one hand into the edge of the blanket gripping it like a captured enemy he had decided for reasons of strategy to not execute yet.
“Still useless.” He whispered, his voice already blurred with sleep.
In the morning if anyone asked he would say the gift had been tested and found adequate only as an instrument of restraint,if anyone called it cozy they would die but for now, in the dark, with no witnesses and no confession required, Konrad Curze held the edge of the blanket close and slept beneath its warm unbearable mercy.
You don't really have it specified if people can send requests or not so forgive me if you don't appreciate them much :D but perhaps primarchs baking? or cooking in general
Primarchs cooking
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion cooks like he is operating behind enemy lines. He makes no noise, no wasted motion, no one sees him season anything yet the food is seasoned.
He makes a hearty stew with game meat, root vegetables, dark bread and suspiciously good broth. Nobody knows where the meat came from and when asked he says that “it was available.” He refuses to share the recipe but everyone eats the stew anyway. It’s excellent.
Fulgrim
Fulgrim doesn’t cook dinner, he composes an edible experience. There are seven courses each plated with tweezers and emotional menace, there is foam, glaze and flowers. Russ asks where the actual food is and Fulgrim gestures to a perfect cube of something on a porcelain plate. Russ eats it in one bite.
The food is technically flawless and deeply annoying, everyone is still hungry afterward except Fulgrim who claims fullness is vulgar. (Ferrus gets a sandwich later.)
Perturabo
Perturabo cooks like he is provisioning a siege. He uses huge pots, exact calories, maximum nutritional return per unit of labor without joy or garnish. He makes lentil stew, hard bread, salted meat and enough preserved vegetables to survive a winter encirclement.
It tastes aggressively fine. He has leftovers labeled by date, volume, and strategic importance.
Jaghatai
He cooks fast, uses a wok like a weapon and produces an incredible meal in 20 minutes. Nobody can follow what he is doing, oil flashes, knives move, steam rises and the whole kitchen smells alive.
He doesn’t measure nor he explains, he tastes once, nods and throws in more chili. The result is delicious and dangerous. Dorn tries one bite and becomes silent, Russ loves it, Magnus says the spice profile has historical depth.
Russ
Russ cooks meat, he grills, roasts, smokes, chars and tears bread with his hands, there are potatoes somewhere but mostly as witnesses. His seasoning is salt, smoke, fat and volume. He believes a meal should look like something you defeated, he makes enormous slabs of meat and slams them onto the table like trophies.
“EAT!”
It is messy, intense and honestly pretty good. Fulgrim complains about the presentation and Russ puts a bone on his plate. “There, structure.” He also makes something called stew but it is just meat in a bowl with heroic intent.
Dorn
Dorn follows the recipe exactly, not approximately, exactly. If the recipe says dice onions into 1 centimeter pieces he produces mathematically compliant onions. He preheats properly, measures properly, cleans as he goes and times everything.
The result is a perfectly respectable roast chicken dinner with vegetables, bread and gravy. No drama, undercooking or mysterious fluids. Everyone is shocked by how normal it is.
Konrad Curze
Konrad grew up alone in the filth darkness of Nostramo’s underworld, his childhood cuisine was whatever we could find so when he enters a kitchen he doesn’t see a kitchen but a luxury execution chamber for ingredients. He doesn’t use cutting boards correctly, he crouches on counters and smells everything. He picks up a bruised vegetable and says that this one has suffered enough. Nobody knows if that means he is using it or sparing it.
His dish is a blackened, over reduced stew made of cheap meat, bitter greens, old bread, vinegar, too much pepper and something he calls street salt. The stew looks like a crime scene after the rain, it tastes horrifying but it’s not inedible.
Sanguinius tries a spoonful and quietly lowers the bowl.
“Brother… did you eat this often?” Vulkan asks gently.
“No, often I was fortunate.” Curze replies. “Sometimes there were rats.”
Sanguinius
Sanguinius bakes warm bread, honey cakes, fruit tarts and delicate pastries, everything smells like a childhood nobody had but suddenly misses. His food is beautiful without being vain, it makes people quiet, even Angron eats slowly. Sanguinius apologizes because one tart is slightly uneven.
“You simply can’t be good at everything.” Fulgrim stares at him with religious envy.
“I burned the first batch.” Sanguinius smiles. He gives the burned batch to Russ who calls it crunchy bread and eats it happily.
Ferrus
Ferrus cooks like a blacksmith: high heat, cast iron, no nonsense. He makes steak, potatoes, charred vegetables and bread cooked directly on hot metal because apparently ovens are too indirect for him. It’s simple and excellent.
His kitchen tools are aggressively practical, he refuses delicate cuisine but understands heat better than anyone.
Angron
Angron shouldn’t cook when he is angry which means Angron should almost never cook but when given simple physical tasks he can do surprisingly well. Kneading dough, crushing garlic and chopping vegetables.The problem is intensity. He doesn’t mince the garlic, he executes it. He doesn’t tenderize the meat, he sends a message.
He makes a huge, rough, spicy skillet meal with meat, onions, peppers and flatbread. It isn’t pretty but it’s filling and honest.
Guilliman
Guilliman cooks from a weekly meal plan. He makes baked fish, grains, vegetables, soup for tomorrow and a breakfast plan while dinner is still cooking. It’s very good but he explains the nutritional logic while serving, which drains morale.
“This provides adequate protein while preserving tomorrow’s preparation window.”
“Brother, just say dinner.” Russ replies.
He also has a binder of recipes categorized by season, budget and diplomatic usefulness.
Mortarion
Mortarion cooks peasant food and he cooks it well. It has root vegetables, dark bread, bitter greens and stews that simmer for hours. Nothing decorative or pretending that the world is kinder than it is.His food looks bleak but it tastes better than expected, it’s heavy and warming.
He also makes medicinal teas that taste like punishment but genuinely help stomachaches, he refuses to admit this is caring.
Magnus the Red
He cooks historically and that's a problem. He doesn’t simply make dinner, he recreates an ancient Prosperoan ceremonial meal based on fragmentary sources, symbolic ingredients and lunar timing.
He spends three hours explaining the meaning of saffron. The food is fragrant, complex and slightly impractical. Dorn asks if the glowing sauce is safe and Magnus is offended. His desserts are excellent because pastry is basically alchemy with butter.
Horus
Horus hosts. The food is good but the real danger is the atmosphere. He makes everyone feel welcome and included, he remembers preferences, pairs drinks and serves at the perfect moment.
He makes a grand roast dinner with shared plates, everything encourages conversation and feels generous. By dessert, half the table is telling stories they didn’t intend to tell. Guilliman notices the seating arrangement has somehow softened old rivalries and the Lion notices Horus placed himself where he can see every face.
“It’s only dinner.” Horus smiles.
Lorgar
Lorgar cooks like every meal is a communion. He makes bread, dates, lamb, honey, spices and slow cooked grains. He says grace so intensely that even the atheists feel watched.
His food is warm, fragrant and emotionally manipulative. He starts talking about breaking bread as shared vulnerability and suddenly the table is halfway to a cult.
Vulkan
Vulkan is the best cook overall, he makes a meal that feeds everyone properly: stew, bread, roasted vegetables, grilled meat, sweet buns and something soft for anyone too tired to chew through pride.
He teaches while cooking, if someone burns something he shows them how to save it. If someone says they cannot cook he says:“Then today your hands begin learning.”
Corvus Corax
His pantry is stocked with cheap and practical food.Corvus cooks quietly and efficiently, he makes a simple soup with flatbread, roasted mushrooms and whatever can be eaten while planning a revolution in a cold room.
His food is plain but comforting, Corvus calls it merely sustenance.
Alpharius Omegon
Alpharius cooks several contradictory meals. One brother gets soup, one gets cake and one gets a sealed envelope containing a recipe. There are two identical pots on the stove, one is delicious and the other is a decoy… nobody knows why food needs a decoy.
Dorn asks who cooked the rice and three voices answers saying they did it. There was no rice.
The Emperor
The Emperor designs a nutritional program for humanity. It’s efficient, scalable, joyless and somehow morally suspicious. Malcador forces him to make one actual meal and the emperor produces a perfectly balanced ration bar.
Lion El’Jonson
The marine asks and the Lion stares at him like the request has been translated poorly from a dead Calibanite dialect. There is a silence long enough for three Watchers in the Dark to form a committee.
Then the Lion gives him one stiff and incredibly awkward hug, it lasts exactly two seconds and the marine hears the Primarch mutter "acceptable." The Dark Angel spends the next 400 years telling no one, the marine spends the next 400 years emotionally healed.
Fulgrim
“Of course, my son.”
Fulgrim hugs beautifully. Perfect angle, perfect hand placement, somehow there is lighting and a nearby cherub begins painting the scene.
The marine feels cherished and elevated, Fulgrim pulls back and says:
“Your posture during the embrace was slightly uneven, we shall practice.” Now the marine has hug training every Thursday.
Perturabo
The marine asks and Perturabo looks at him with the pure disgust of a man who has just been asked to install Windows Vista on a cogitator.
“No.”
The marine nods and leaves. Three hours later Perturabo has built an automated siege-grade compression device calibrated to simulate paternal approval. It has killed six Iron Warriors but Perturabo insists this is user error.
Jaghatai Khan
The marine asks, Jaghatai laughs delighted and pulls him into a crushing one-armed hug. “Good! A warrior who asks plainly for what he wants. Better than brooding in corners like a gargoyle.” (Somewhere the Lion sneezes.)
He claps the marine on the back hard enough to reset his heart and then makes him ride for six hours because 'the soul digests affection better at speed.'
Leman Russ
The marine asks and Russ is already hugging him before the sentence is finished. The marine’s ribs make a noise, Russ is laughs, someone brings ale, someone else starts singing, the marine is now legally part of a saga.
“Any son of mine who asks for a hug gets one! And any son too proud to ask gets two!” Russ says. Space Wolves across the hall begin fleeing.
Rogal Dorn
The Marine asks, Dorn pauses then says “yes.” The hug is firm, structurally sound, emotionally reinforced with no wasted movement. The marine feels safer than he has ever felt in his life, he also feels like he has been temporarily installed into a fortress wall.
“This was a good use of time.” Dorn says.
Then he makes a note in a tactical log: "Hugs: morale-effective. Implement sparingly but sincerely". Dorn didn't know he needed it until later when he stood alone and thought ''That was… good.'
Konrad Curze
The Marine asks, everyone in the room stops breathing, Curze slowly turns his head. “A hug?” Curze approaches like a cryptid, he wraps his arms around the marine with terrifying gentleness. It's cold, awkward and lasts too long. The marine realizes Curze has no idea when a hug is supposed to end.
“I saw nine possible futures where you asked this. In six, I killed you. In one, you cried. In one, I cried. In this one, we are both confused.” Curze whispers.
Sanguinius
The Marine asks and Sanguinius looks heartbroken that the marine thought he even had to ask. “Oh, my son.” The hug is divine. It fixes posture, trauma, hairline and one unresolved childhood issue the marine didn’t know survived indoctrination.
Nearby Blood Angels start quietly forming a line. “My lord, may I also-” one asks. Sanguinius opens both arms, the entire legion begins crying but in a beautiful way.
Ferrus Manus
The Marine asks and Ferrus looks mildly annoyed. He grabs the Marine by the shoulders and pulls him into something that is technically a hug but feels like being inspected by industrial equipment. It is brief, powerful and it may also have dented his ceramite.
“You are not weak for needing reinforcement.” Ferrus says and immediately pretends he said nothing profound.
Angron
The marine asks. Bad room, bad timing, bad everything.
“What?” Angron snarls. The Marine repeats it because apparently this son has chosen death but politely. For a second Angron looks like he might tear him apart then something in him cracks in the other direction.
The hug is brutal, trembling and almost too tight, not affectionate in the usual way, more like Angron is trying to hold together a world that was never allowed to exist.
Guilliman
The marine asks and Guilliman says “of course” then he hugs him warmly and normally, like an emotionally functional person. Afterward, Guilliman asks if this is an isolated morale issue or if the chapter requires a broader framework for paternal reassurance.
By evening there is a document titled: Codex Astartes Appendix CXLII: On Appropriate Fraternal and Paternal Physical Reassurance in Times of Strategic Distress
Mortarion
The marine asks and Mortarion stares.
“No.”
The Marine nods sadly and mortarion watches him go. Five minutes later Mortarion appears beside him like a tuberculosis cryptid and says:
“Do not misunderstand me, I refused because sentiment makes warriors dependent.”
Then he stands there silently and finally places one huge hand on the Marine’s shoulder. It isn't a hug but the emotional equivalent of finding a blanket in a plague bunker. “Endure.”
Magnus the Red
The marine asks, Magnus smiles.
“My son, what you seek is not merely contact but recognition of the soul’s ache-”
“Father, I meant a hug.”
Magnus gives him one then also accidentally shares a psychic vision of cosmic unity, ancient Prospero, the marine’s own buried loneliness and a metaphor involving a burning library.
The marine is healed, enlightened and has a migraine.
“Was that sufficient?” Magnus asks.
“Yes, lord.” The marine replies weeping.
Horus
The marine asks and Horus beams.
“Come here.”
The hug is perfect: warm, strong, charming, fatherly, the kind of hug that makes a transhuman killing machine think, “I would follow this man anywhere.”
Horus remembers the marine’s name, his squad, his last campaign and exactly what to say. The marine leaves glowing with devotion and somewhere fate starts sweating.
Lorgar
The marine asks and Lorgar’s eyes immediately go wet.
“My son…”
He hugs him like this is a sacrament and the Emperor himself might finally understand basic emotional literacy if enough people embraced sincerely.
The marine gets a hug then a sermon and a handwritten devotional pamphlet titled The Sacred Geometry of the Father’s Arms. The hug was excellent and the followup reading wasn't optional.
Vulkan
The marine asks and Vulkan looks offended because he realizes this son has been walking around not already hugged.
“My son, come here.”
The marine disappears into the hug like a child inside a weighted blanket made of volcanoes and unconditional support.
Vulkan pats his back with the restraint of a god trying not to liquefy a beloved ant. Every Salamander nearby is nodding approvingly.
Corvus Corax
The marine asks and Corax appears from a shadow.
“You may.”
The Marine nearly dies of cardiac surprise. The hug is quiet, careful and brief but not cold, Corax is very aware that some wounds don't like being grabbed. He lets the Marine choose how long it lasts.
“Do not mistake silence for absence.” Corax says afterward then vanishes dramatically because he physically can't end an emotional moment like a normal person.
Alpharius/Omegon
The Marine asks his primarch for a hug and his primarch says:
“Certainly.”
The hug happens or does it? Later the Marine receives six conflicting reports:
He hugged Alpharius.
He hugged Omegon.
He hugged a body double.
He was hugged by three operatives in a trench coat.
He himself is Alpharius and hugged himself.
The hug was a psyop to improve morale metrics.
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion sits in the back corner watching everyone through the reflection in the window, he claims to be monitoring. He distrusts the GPS, the map, the road signs, the passing cars and one suspicious cow seen near mile marker 82.
When asked what he brought for the trip his answer is contingencies such as water, emergency rations, three knives, a paper map, a compass and a sealed envelope labeled DO NOT OPEN UNLESS BETRAYED. Russ tries to open it and the Lion stops him instantly.
“Not yet.”
Fulgrim
Fulgrim treats the road trip like a glamorous travel montage and is personally insulted by the reality of gas stations. His travel outfit is immaculate and his luggage is excessive and scented.
He spends the first hour choosing the correct playlist, then complaining that the van lighting is unflattering until he discovers that road bathrooms exist and experiences spiritual damage. At a rest stop he buys sparkling water and a tiny packet of trail mix that costs more than fuel.
Perturabo
Perturabo hates everything about the road system, especially the fact that people are allowed to merge based on ‘judgment.’ He spends the trip glaring at infrastructure and muttering that he could fix that. During the ride he drew a replacement highway network, identified seventeen fatal flaws in the van and started reinforcing the cup holders.
Someone asks if he is enjoying the scenery and he answers that the drainage is inadequate. He also refuses to admit that he likes tunnels.
Jaghatai
He isn’t allowed to drive, this was decided before the trip even started, Jaghatai considers this oppression. Every time Dorn drives at the speed limit he looks physically ill. He spends the trip with one arm out the window judging every passing car’s technique. He offers driving advice nobody asked for.
At the first chance he takes the wheel and the next thirty minutes become a legend. ‘Recalculating’, the gps says. Everyone survives but the van is never the same.
Russ
Russ is road trip energy incarnate. He sings loudly, eats constantly, starts car games and cheats at all of them. He asks ‘are we there yet?’ not because he is impatient but because it annoys Guilliman.
He brought a cooler full of meat and kept on trying to open windows at highway speed so he could smell the road. He also starts the first fight over the sound system by playing Fenrisian drinking songs for 42 minutes.
Dorn
The ideal road trip driver and the worst road trip companion. He checks tire pressure, adjusts mirrors, obeys all traffic laws and signals perfectly, he also refuses ‘fun’ shortcuts.
The itinerary says they will arrive at 18:40 and Dorn intends to arrive at 18:40. Not 18:39, not 18:41. Exactly 18:40.
He labeled trash bags, first aid supplies, bottled water and backup maps. When Russ spills crumbs, Dorn hands him a small vacuum.
Konrad Curze
He turns every roadside motel into a crime scene in everyone’s imagination. He sits in the very back, staring out the window at passing towns and occasionally he says things like: “Someone died there.” Everyone looks and it’s just a normal diner…probably.
He narrates what could go wrong at every stop, Guilliman asks him to stop. “Do you prefer surprises then?” Curze replies. At night, he tells a road story so disturbing that nobody uses the rest stop bathroom alone again. Except the Lion.
Sanguinius
He is the reason the road trip doesn’t become an active warzone. He distributes snacks fairly, calms arguments, checks if Angron needs air, listens to Lorgar’s feelings and makes the gas station cashier’s entire week by smiling politely.
He gets the window seat once and spends an hour looking at the landscape with soft melancholy. He makes the mistake of saying “this is nice” and the van immediately hits a pothole so hard Fulgrim makes a sound not meant for mortal ears. Sanguinius apologizes to the pothole.
Ferrus
Ferrus doesn't trust the van and spends the first hours listening to the engine, identifying a vibration near the rear until finally telling Dorn to pull over. Dorn says the vehicle is operating within acceptable parameters but they pull over anyway. Ferrus fixes a problem that would absolutely have stranded them later.
He then spends the rest of the trip in grim satisfaction, occasionally glaring at the dashboard like it owes him respect.
Angron
He hates being trapped in the van, everyone is too close, the snacks are loud and he GPS voice keeps giving orders.
He lasts twenty minutes before saying: “Turn it off.”
“We need navigation.” Guilliman replies.
“I know where I am, in hell.”
At a rest stop he gets out and just stands in the parking lot breathing like a chained animal remembering open air.
Guilliman
He has the route, budget, fuel plan, meal schedule, lodging confirmation, emergency contacts and a spreadsheet called Travel Cohesion Matrix that nobody wants to know what is in it. He schedules bathroom breaks which is immediately controversial.
He is also in charge of splitting costs which becomes impossible when Alpharius produces receipts from places they never visited.
Mortarion
Mortarion sits near the window and complains about the air, the van smells like snacks, leather and too many demigods.
He opens the window.
Guilliman closes it.
Mortarion opens it again.
This continues for 120 miles.
He hates gas stations most of all and secretly enjoys foggy morning roads but doesn't admit it.
Magnus the Red
Magnus brought too many books. He reads road signs aloud in their historical context, explains the symbolism of crossroads and interprets cloud shapes. He gives an unsolicited lecture on ancient travel rituals. Dorn bans psychic interference with road games after Magnus wins I Spy by saying “I spy something concealed in the mind of the driver.”
The GPS fascinates him.
“A machine spirit that whispers directions from the heavens.”
“It is satellite navigation.” Ferrus replies.
“Yes, as I said.”
Horus
Horus is somehow everyone’s favorite road trip companion. He tells stories, mediates seating disputes and can convince almost anyone to take the middle seat.
He starts a game where everyone shares one thing they are looking forward to, it sounds innocent at first but by the end he has gathered psychological intelligence on every brother. Guilliman notices too late. Horus also controls the playlist at one point and somehow chooses songs everyone tolerates.
Lorgar
He treats the road trip as a pilgrimage before they have left the driveway. He brings a journal and writes reflections on roadside signs and the spiritual symbolism of service stations.
“Communion takes many forms.” he says when someone asks him to pass the chips.
“They are barbecue chips.” Ferrus replies.
Lorgar writes that down.
At sunset he becomes unbearable gazing out the window and saying that every road is a question asked of the horizon.
“The question is where’s dinner.” Russ mutters.
Lorgar also cries during a song Horus picked and Horus pretends this was not intentional.
Vulkan
Vulkan packs like a saint and a dad, he remembers everyone’s preferences, even Curze’s which alarms him. He starts waving at children in passing cars and they wave back, this becomes the only wholesome part of the journey.
At a rest stop Vulkan sees a broken vending machine and fixes it, then he buys snacks from it because “it should know it did well.” He makes everyone stretch their legs, even Angron, nobody admits it helps but it does.
Corvus Corax
Corvus is perfect for long night drives and terrible for daytime cheer. He sits by the window with headphones watching the road vanish behind them. He doesn’t complain but also doesn’t participate unless directly summoned.
During a break stop he disappears, everyone panics for eight minutes until he returns with coffee, a local newspaper and the knowledge that the motel manager is hiding something.
Alpharius Omegon
Alpharius is the reason the road trip route makes no sense. The GPS says one thing, the printed map says another but the road signs appear to agree with neither.
There are suddenly two vans at a gas station, identical except one has a bumper sticker reading I AM ALPHARIUS, nobody knows which one they arrived in. The snack bag contains forged receipts, fake IDs and a map with several towns circled in red.
Can you do primarchs as teachers and the subject they teach?
Primarchs as teachers
… and school staff because I took some liberties
Lion El’Jonson - Vice Principal
The Lion is the vice principal nobody ever sees until they are already in trouble. Students aren’t sent to his office, they simply find themselves there. He knows who threw the paper airplane, who started the group chat, who wrote ‘Mr. Russ smells like wet dog’ on the bathroom wall and who leaked the cafeteria menu early.
His office has no decorations except a locked filing cabinet and a single inspirational poster that says: Preparedness Is Honesty Before Consequence. Nobody understands it but everyone behaves near him.
Fulgrim - Art / Drama / Music Teacher
Fulgrim teaches every arts elective because he refuses to allow mediocrity to be distributed across departments. His classroom is beautiful, terrifying and smells expensive. He makes students cry over color theory then somehow convinces them this was growth. His feedback is devastating: “Your composition has enthusiasm but unfortunately so does a fire alarm.”
He directs the school musical and turns it into a 3 hour long tragedy with handmade costumes, rotating sets and one student who now believes they are destined for broadway.
Perturabo - Robotics Teacher
Perturabo runs the engineering lab like a military academy with power tools. His class has the highest failure rate and the highest competition wins, students either fear him forever or become terrifyingly competent. The robotics club wins nationals because Perturabo turns twelve teenagers into siege engineers, the robot is technically against the competition’s spirit but not against the rules.
He has one favorite student but denies denies it. Everyone knows it’s the quiet kid who correctly identified a load-bearing flaw in the school bleachers.
Jaghatai - PE Teacher/ Track Coach
He hates dodgeball because it becomes static warfare and prefers track, cycling and anything involving speed. His warmups are intense but somehow joyful. “Run until the fence no longer matters.” Administration keeps telling him this isn't a measurable learning objective.
He never takes attendance normally, he just looks at the empty space where a student should be and says they chose the wrong road today.
Russ - PE teacher
Russ is the other PE teacher and together with Jaghatai he has created a sports department that makes insurance companies sweat. He runs outdoor education, wrestling, survival weekends and character building activities that are legally hikes but spiritually raids.
He loves school spirit too much and pep rallies under Russ involve chanting, banners, drums and at least one student standing on a table yelling ‘FOR THE PACK!’ The principal has asked him to stop calling homerooms clans but Russ refuses.
Dorn - Math Teacher
Dorn teaches math like civilization depends on it because it actually does. His board work is immaculate, the classroom rules are posted, numbered and enforced without emotion. Students think he is boring until they realize he will explain the same concept fifteen different ways if they genuinely try. He has no patience for laziness but infinite patience for sincere confusion.
He also becomes unofficial facilities manager because he can't ignore structural problems. His final exam has one extra credit question: “Design a defensible courtyard with optimal evacuation paths.
Konrad Curze - Detention Supervisor
Nobody knows why Malcador allowed this but Curze supervises detention. Detention attendance drops 93% in one semester. Student's don't fear detention but Curze calmly reading their disciplinary file aloud. He also gives students assignments like 'describe the difference between guilt and being caught.' The school counselor has concerns.
He runs the lost and found, every item finds its owner and every owner feels accused.
Sanguinius - Literature teacher
Sanguinius teaches literature and works part-time as a counselor because every student ends up talking to him anyway. His class is too beautiful, students who hate reading suddenly have feelings about poetry. He can make Shakespeare understandable, epic poetry intimate and freshman essays feel worth writing.
He is the teacher students visit when they are having a bad day. He remembers everyone’s names, their interests, fears and college dreams. The problem is that when he looks disappointed, students confess things they were not even accused of.
Ferrus Manus - Physics Teacher
Ferrus teaches physics and metal shop, and he considers them the same subject with different burns. Students learn quickly and well. He explains force, pressure, torque, heat and momentum by making students build things that either work or fail loudly.
His tests are hard, his labs are harder and his safety rules are absolute. He and Fulgrim coadvise the ‘Design and Craft’ showcase, it’s both a miracle and a war crime.
Angron - Security Guard
He is school security which almost sounds like a disaster but students being bullied discover something important: Angron hates bullies. A lot. A senior shoves a freshman into a locker and Angron appears at the end of the hall. The senior never shoves anyone again.
Students with rough home lives respect him because he doesn't talk down to them.
Guilliman - History / Civics / Student Council Advisor
Guilliman teaches history, civics and economics because the school board made the mistake of asking what he was qualified for. His classroom is organized, his lectures are clear and his handouts are works of art. Students complain that he assigns too much reading then they realize they understand taxes, voting systems, propaganda, budgets, public policy and why empires collapse.
His student council becomes terrifyingly effective, they create a recycling program with quarterly metrics and Guilliman is proud.
Mortarion - Biology teacher
He teaches biology, ecology and environmental science. His classroom has plants, fungi, preserved specimens and one terrarium everyone fears. He is an excellent teacher if you can survive the atmosphere and he doesn’t romanticize nature.
His lessons on disease transmission are unforgettable. His students become fanatically good at lab safety. His environmental science class does a unit on pollution that radicalizes half the students and makes the other half afraid of scented candles.
Magnus - Foreign Languages / philosophy teacher
He teaches languages, philosophy, astronomy and an independent study course Malcador keeps trying to shut down. His students love him because he makes knowledge feel magical but also fear him because one question can become a 43 minutes long lecture with diagrams, dead languages and a reference to a civilization no one can verify existed.
His classroom has too many books and he lets students ask impossible questions. Dorn writes on the staff room board: NO OCCULT DEMONSTRATIONS IN CLASSROOMS. Magnus adds underneath: "Define occult." The staff meeting lasts 4 hours.
Horus - Debate Coach / School Ambassador
Horus teaches debate and rhetoric, every student leaves his class more confident which is wonderful and concerning. The debate team is unbeatable and cultlike.
He is beloved at open house and parents leave convinced their children are destined for greatness and also somehow signed up to volunteer for the fundraiser.
Lorgar - Religious Studies/ Creative Writing Teacher
His classes are packed. Students who enter wanting an easy elective leave writing 12 pages long reflections on shame, devotion and whether cafeteria pizza can be considered a ritual object. Lorgar’s feedback is too intimate, students either cry or become poets, sometimes both.
He also starts a literary magazine and it becomes a little too intense. Issue three is banned for accidental cult aesthetics. Lorgar calls this censorship but Malcador calls it Tuesday.
Vulkan - Home Economics Teacher / School Nurse Backup
His classroom is heaven, students learn practical life skills and also how to be kinder without being weak. He never mocks a bad first attempt. He repairs broken chairs, broken lockers, broken projects and occasionally broken confidence.
He is the teacher students visit when they need a button sewn, a lunch heated or someone to encourage them. The cafeteria improves because he quietly teaches the cooks new recipes.
Corvus Corax — English teacher
He teaches English, runs the school newspaper and lurks in the library like a benevolent ghost. His classes are quiet, intense and full of students who wear black hoodies and suddenly care about metaphor.
His newspaper students become terrifying. They expose cafeteria budget issues, unfair dress code enforcement and the fact that Alpharius has been submitting fake announcements to the school site. He also runs a poetry club that he insists is not a poetry club.
Alpharius Omegon - Substitute Teacher
Alpharius is on the staff list six times. He appears as a substitute teacher for classes that didn't request one. He teaches computer lab, media literacy, study hall, statistics and something called Applied Ambiguity.
Students love him because his worksheets are puzzles but teachers hate him because after he substitutes no one knows what the homework is anymore.
The Emperor - Superintendent
The Emperor is the superintendent, he visits twice a year, gives a speech about human potential, approves a terrifying strategic plan and leaves everyone more confused.
He keeps proposing curriculum changes like: mandatory ancient history, rhetoric against alien corruption and advanced genetics. The school board rejects most of these.
At the end of the year test scores are excellent, discipline reports are alarming, the robotics team has been investigated by the Department of Defense, the literary magazine has been cited by three theology departments and one student council meeting accidentally rewrote municipal parking law.
Malcador - Principal
Technically runs the school but nobody is entirely sure how much of the school was already running according to his plans before anyone else arrived. Students sent to Malcador rarely get yelled at, he simply offers tea, asks one gentle question and lets them destroy themselves with their own confession.
The teachers fear him because he never raises his voice and somehow still wins every staff meeting. Every year he gives the same opening speech: “This institution exists to shape young minds.” Nobody knows why that sounds like a threat.
A discussion with @mazarinedrake lead us to agree that Pre-heresy, Fulgrim was That Bitch that showed up 15 minute late to Primarch Meetings with a Starbucks, but also the guy with enough decency to also have everyone else’s order too. Ergo, Pre-Heresy Primarch Starbucks Orders:
Lion El’Johnson: Orders a Black Coffee then puts like 10 sugars and 20 creamers in it once he gets his hands on it.
Fulgrim: Sugarfree Coconut Milk Iced Coffee, but DID bring everyone else’s order too so ppl don’t judge him that much.
Perturabo: Tall Americano
Jakharti Khan: Trenta with as many shots of Espresso he can convince the Baristsa to put in, and a 5-hour energy for “creamer”.
Leman Russ: Complains that starbucks doesn’t have Beer, gets hot chocolate even though he’s both allergic to chocolate and lactose intolerant.
Rogal Dorn: One Black Coffe ™
Konrad Curze: Triple Expresso, poured into his can of monster and drunk in front of Dad, God and everyone else.
Sanguinus: Decaf Unicorn Frap with Organic cane sugar and almond milk
Ferrus Magnus: Complains that what starbucks makes isn’t TECHNICALLY a macchiato, but orders it anyway
Angorn: Never specified an order but the time Fulgrim gave him peppermint hot chocolate with marshmallows and sprinkes was the first time he did not use the hot beverage to assault someone SO-
Roubotte Guiliman: Would have a Pumpkin Spice IV drip if possible.
Mortarion: Extra high fructose corn syrup, six shots, creamer-instead-of-milk Unicorn Frap. Do NOT mix his and Sanguinus’ drinks up.
Magnus The Red: Order starts as a caramel macchiato but has so many substitutions and persnickety instructions that when it’s done it’s not.
Horus Lupercal: Keeps trying to order a “Double Double” and doesn’t understand why Starbucks and Tim Horton’s don’t have the same menu.
Lorgar Aurelian: Bottled water becuase Coffee is IMPURE (nvmd the morality of bottled water)
Vulkan: Matcha Frap, but he keeps smuggling Hotsauce in his armor and pours it in. Everyone politely pretends not to notice.
Corvus Corax: Lone Tea Drinker in the group. Has the Barista write “Black coffee” On the outside though.
Alpharius and Omegon: Their order is delivered to the local starbucks in a dead drop and changed thrice weekly. The barista is supposed to only open the envelope when Fulgrim or another Recognized Representative places an order for “Lord Alpharius”
BUT what nobody’s realized is the barista all got sick of that shit after like, a week and has been making stuff at random.
Each thinks they’re being trolled by the other twin and refuse to be the first to crack.
I can imagine Angron having this mental breakdown over this fucking peppermint hot chocolate because “it’s so FUCKING CUTE I CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT I HAVE TO THROW THIS WITCH DRINK MAGNUS IS FUCKING TALKING AGAIN AND HE NEEDS TO SHUT UP BUT FUCK THE SPRINKLES WILL GET EVERYWHERE AKMSDNNEKDKDNWJFHTJSKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” and all the local psychers wince because hot damn that’s a breakdown. The room breaths a sigh of relief when he murders the straw out of the wrapper and starts taking little furious sips from it rather than throwing it at Magnus because he’s been spending the last 5 minutes yammering on about how the baristas forgot to reduce the caramel by half and used almond milk instead of oat and “yes of course I can tell the difference, RUSS, and I can assure you that this is very important.”
★ Lion El’Jonson - Secret Mission Barbie ★
He knows what Ken did!
His outfit is mostly black which causes problems because Barbie World keeps trying to pastel correct them. Every time he opens his closet, it contains pink trench coats, sparkly boots and heart-shaped sunglasses. His Dreamhouse has secret passages.
“Want to come to the beach?” Barbie asks.
“Who controls the beach?”
“The beach controls itself!”
The Lion hates that answer.
He spends the day investigating whether Barbie World has a hidden military, it doesn’t, which just makes him more suspicious.
His accessory pack includes:
* sunglasses
* tiny binoculars
* coded diary
* hairbrush with concealed blade
* one emergency horse
★ Fulgrim - Perfect Day Glamour Barbie ★
Every day is perfect because he said so!
He understands Barbie World immediately. Everything is appearances and performance, every outfit is thematically coordinated, every social interaction is a runway and every car is impractical but iconic. He changes outfits fourteen times before breakfast. Pink? Yes. Sequins? Yes. Feather boa? Yes. Roller skates? Absolutely. Matching handbag? Necessary. Tiny sunglasses? Mandatory.
He starts giving other Barbies styling advice at first they love him but then he gets intense. “Your look says fun in the sun but your earrings say unresolved beach trauma. Again.” He discovers that Barbie feet are permanently arched and calls it commitment to form. The Kens worship him as a fashion prophet and this becomes everyone’s problem.
★ Perturabo - Architect Barbie ★
The Dreamhouse has architectural bitterness now!
He looks at the Dreamhouse and is so angry he nearly becomes Beach Ken out of spite. He redesigns the Dreamhouse into a fortified brutalist pink citadel with proper stairs, water pressure, basement storage, siege resistant balconies and no slide from the bedroom to the pool because he says it compromises seriousness.
The Barbies hate it, the Kens love the man cave annex he didn’t authorize.
His accessory pack includes:
* drafting board
* tiny hard hat
* pink concrete mixer
* resentment clipboard
* structural integrity trauma
★Jaghatai Khan - Convertible Road Trip Barbie ★
The horizon isn't included so he made one!
He refuses to stay in Barbie World’s little perfect neighborhood and the instant he sees a pink convertible he is gone. He doesn't ask where the road leads... it's bright, fake, endless and somehow loops back to the beach no matter how far he drives.
He immediately begins testing the boundaries of Barbie World and organizes illegal drag races between convertibles, scooters, rollerblades and one horse he liberated from Equestrian Barbie.
The Kens call him Speed Barbie and follow him around shouting “Mojo Dojo Drift House!”. He hates the phrase but respects the enthusiasm.
His accessory pack includes:
* pink convertible
* travel mug
* sunglasses
* wind machine
* map with no edges
★ Russ - Camping Adventure Barbie ★
He came for friendship and stayed for the pack howl!
He is delighted. The tent is tiny, the campfire is fake, the marshmallows are plastic and the wolf companion is clearly a cute accessory but Russ doesn't care and adopts all of it. His Barbie outfit is a flannel, boots, cargo shorts and a tiny puffer vest that he refuses to zip. He calls every Barbie pack and every Ken "also pack, maybe."
He finds a Barbie dog, a Barbie horse and a Barbie wolf, all are now Fenrisian. The Barbies teach him a choreographed dance number, he pretends to hate it but learns every move and performs it too aggressively, knocking over the smoothie stand.
His accessory pack includes:
* wolf plush
* cooler full of meat-shaped objects
* camping chair
* tiny axe that Barbie World keeps turning into a hairbrush
* emergency marshmallow rage
★ Rogal Dorn - Home Improvement Barbie ★
The Dreamhouse is now defensible and emotionally unavailable!
He is Barbie World’s greatest asset and biggest buzzkill. He fixes everything. The Dreamhouse elevator? Reinforced. The pool ladder? Secured. The convertible garage? Properly organized. The balcony? Finally up to code.
He labels every storage bin.
“This is so cute!” Barbie says.
“It's compliant.” he replies
His accessory pack includes:
* tool belt
* clipboard
* tiny level
* safety goggles
* one smile, sold separately
★ Konrad Curze - Weirder Barbie ★
You played too hard and now he knows your sins!
Barbie World takes one look at him and goes: “Wow. You go over there.” He lives in Weird Barbie’s house immediately and loves it. Crooked stairs, strange decor, existential dread, socially rejected dolls, permanent marker trauma... It speaks to him.
“You’ve seen things.” Weird Barbie says.
“You have no idea.” He replies.
His hair is cut wrong, his eyeliner is somehow permanent, his outfit is black, pink and alarming. The Barbies are polite to him in the way people are polite to a haunted doll.
His accessory pack includes:
* marker-stained face
* bent sunglasses
* cursed snow cone
* tiny bat plush
* emotional damage
★ Sanguinius - Angel Dream Barbie ★
He believes in you and that’s devastating!
He has wings, perfect hair, soft pink clothes and the tragic aura of a limited edition collector doll that everyone wants but no child should emotionally depend on.
The Barbies and Kens alike love him. He tries to participate normally and play beach volleyball but everyone still gasps. He tries rollerblading and it becomes a renaissance painting.
He is the only one who can ask Weirder Barbie Curze if he wants to join and actually get a yes (Curze says no but appears later anyway).
His accessory pack includes:
* wing-friendly jacket
* halo sunglasses
* kindness tote bag
* doomed poetry journal
* one soft feather everyone fights over
He hates the plastic tools personally. The wrench bends, the screwdriver is decorative, the hammer is pink and hollow. He immediately improves every car, the convertible now has real suspension, a reinforced chassis and better torque.
The Dreamhouse kitchen blender becomes powerful enough to process granite. The elevator moves too fast and the Kens love this, they ask him to build a horse truck. Ferrus says no then builds one because the original idea offended him and he needed to do it correctly.
His accessory pack includes:
* real wrench
* tank top
* glitter goggles he denies liking
* pink garage lift
* broken toy hammer as a warning
★ Angron - Boxing Gym Barbie ★
Feel your feelings then hit the bag!
Barbie World tries to give him a cheerful fitness set with pink gloves, a cute towel and a motivational water bottle that says YOU GOT THIS!
“Do I.” He stares at the bottle.
The gym is too bright and cheerful, the punching bag has a smiley face on it. At first he hates everything until a Ken tries the punching bag and says: "This is hard."
“Yes.” Angron looks at him. He becomes an extremely intense but weirdly effective fitness coach.
The Kens become obsessed and the Barbies start taking his ange management boxing class because it is the only place in Barbie World where they are allowed to feel ugly emotions.
His accessory pack includes:
* boxing gloves
* rage towel
* water bottle he refuses to admit is useful
* cracked smiley punching bag
* soft pillow hidden in the locker
★ Guilliman -Administrative Barbie ★
Every Dreamhouse needs governance!
President Barbie is delighted for about seven minutes until Guilliman reorganizes the entire government. Barbie World has no real laws because everything works on vibes and he finds this unacceptable.
“Where is the budget?”
“What budget?”
“The budget for the beach.”
“The beach just is!”
He needs to sit down.
He creates committees, civic calendars, infrastructure plans, transport routes and a Dreamhouse zoning code. The Barbies are impressed because he makes clipboards look heroic, the Kens are terrified because he asks them what their actual jobs are.
“Beach.” ken replies.
“That's a location.” Guilliman replies.
“...beach.”
His accessory pack includes:
* clipboard
* laptop
* sensible blazer
* municipal planning map
* emotional support spreadsheet
★ Mortarion - Compost Garden Barbie★
Rot is just nature telling the truth!
He is assigned to the Barbie World garden because it's the only place with soil.... Unfortunately the soil is perfect pink decorative plastic. He hates it.
He builds a little greenhouse full of mushrooms, medicinal plants and one tomato plant he insists he doesn't care about. The Kens find his compost barrel and ask if it's a grill. Mortarion closes his eyes for a long time.
His accessory pack includes:
* gardening gloves
* ugly boots
* compost bin
* tiny sign reading NO GLITTER IN THE SOIL
★ Magnus the Red - Astronomer Mystic Barbie ★
The stars are plastic but the consequences are real!
He gets a telescope, a pink notebook and immediately starts correcting the star chart.
“These constellations are nonsense.”
“They’re pretty!” says Barbie.
“So are lies.”
He turns the Dreamhouse observatory into a forbidden metaphysical research center, the Barbies like his astrology readings until they become too accurate. He also gets into a fight with the narrator.
His accessory pack includes:
* telescope
* sparkly star cape
* forbidden notebook
* sparkly third-eye sunglasses
* tiny warding circle rug
★ Horus Lupercal - Charismatic Ken ★
He makes patriarchy sound like group therapy!
He isn't a Barbie but a Ken, the Ken who immediately understands that Ken society is emotionally fragile, status starved, beach obsessed and vulnerable to speeches about purpose. Within one day the Kens are wearing matching jackets and calling him brother.
He doesn't seize power, he merely asks: “Have you ever wanted to be more than Beach?” The Kens gasp and somewhere the plot breaks. Barbie World wasn't designed to survive Horus helping insecure men organize.
The Kens stop saying “I am Kenough” and start saying “We are heard.”
★ Lorgar - Writer Barbie ★
Every diary entry becomes scripture if you’re intense enough!
He gets a pink typewriter, a diary, a quill pen and a cozy Dreamhouse writing nook. The Barbies love affirmations and Lorgar weaponizes it.
'You are Kenough because you are witnessed.'
'The Dreamhouse is not a place, it's a hunger for belonging.'
The Barbies are sobbing, the Kens are taking notes. He starts a journaling circle that becomes dangerously close to worship.
★ Vulkan - Craft Workshop Barbie ★
Broken is just waiting to be repaired kindly!
He fixes broken Dreamhouse furniture, teaches Kens to sew buttons, helps Barbies build shelves, repairs roller skates and starts a community craft table. He helps Weird Barbie repair dolls who were played with too hard without any judgement.
“You aren't ruined, you are loved differently.”
Everyone cries, even Curze pretends not to.
Vulkan bakes cookies in the Dreamhouse kitchen and somehow makes them real enough to eat. This confuses the metaphysics of the world but nobody cares because the cookies are amazing.
His accessory pack includes:
* craft apron
* tiny hammer
* sewing kit
* cookie tray
* infinite wholesome dad energy
★ Corvus Corax - Indie Music Barbie ★
He arrives in black jeans, boots, hoodie, chipped nail polish and a guitar he says he doesn't play. He discovers that Barbie World has no protest songs because everyone is supposed to be happy all the time and that offends him.
He starts writing songs behind the Dreamhouse, the lyrics are about plastic smiles, beach capitalism and whether perfection is just a prettier cage. Some Barbies pretend they don't love him but keep showing up to hear him play.
His accessory pack includes:
* black guitar
* zine stack
* combat boots
* tiny raven sticker
* notebook labeled Not Lyrics
★ Alpharius Omegon - Mystery Barbie ★
Collect them all! You already have!
Every box says a different thing: He’s Beach Ken! He’s Spy Barbie! He’s not Included! There are two dolls in the package, maybe three.
He infiltrates Mattel, the Kens and even the narrator. At one point, a little girl playing with the dolls asks “wait, which one is this?” Alpharius smiles and the box changes.
His tagline changes every time someone reads it.
His accessory pack includes:
* sunglasses
* fake mustache
* second sunglasses
* tiny walkie-talkie
* map of Barbie World with impossible locations
* spare head labeled NOT OMEGON
----------------------------
Sanguinius sits on the beach, watching the sunset turn perfect plastic pink. “It's beautiful.” He says softly.
“It is fake.” Curze, who is beside him wearing stolen heart-shaped sunglasses, says.
“Many beautiful things are.”
Curze considers this for a moment before handing him a blue raspberry snow cone nobody knows where he got it.
So why does the idea of Barbie sized Sev give me a mental picture of Barbie trying to convince Ken that “their” kid being born ghost white with black hair and a smirk is nothing to be concerned about?
According to @helloitsmadamehyde , she would try to convince him the kid is just from the goth line.
★ Sevatar First Captain Accessory Pack ★
Meet Sevatar, the First Captain who knows every plan is terrible but shows up anyway! Complete your Nostramo collection with Sevatar, the only accessory capable of making Konrad delay catastrophic decisions by up to three minutes!
For ages 8+ and morally compromised.
Choking hazard: contains small parts, sharp opinions and unresolved loyalty dynamics.
When you press a button on his back he can say one of four phrases:
“This is a terrible idea.”
“My lord, no.”
“I regret being correct.”
“Ave Dominus Nox, I guess.”
Includes:
* tiny chain glaive renamed Spooky Staff for safety regulations
* extra hands for pointing out hypocrisy
* removable I Am The Only Functional Adult Here cape
★ Lion El’Jonson - Secret Mission Barbie ★
He knows what Ken did!
His outfit is mostly black which causes problems because Barbie World keeps trying to pastel correct them. Every time he opens his closet, it contains pink trench coats, sparkly boots and heart-shaped sunglasses. His Dreamhouse has secret passages.
“Want to come to the beach?” Barbie asks.
“Who controls the beach?”
“The beach controls itself!”
The Lion hates that answer.
He spends the day investigating whether Barbie World has a hidden military, it doesn’t, which just makes him more suspicious.
His accessory pack includes:
* sunglasses
* tiny binoculars
* coded diary
* hairbrush with concealed blade
* one emergency horse
★ Fulgrim - Perfect Day Glamour Barbie ★
Every day is perfect because he said so!
He understands Barbie World immediately. Everything is appearances and performance, every outfit is thematically coordinated, every social interaction is a runway and every car is impractical but iconic. He changes outfits fourteen times before breakfast. Pink? Yes. Sequins? Yes. Feather boa? Yes. Roller skates? Absolutely. Matching handbag? Necessary. Tiny sunglasses? Mandatory.
He starts giving other Barbies styling advice at first they love him but then he gets intense. “Your look says fun in the sun but your earrings say unresolved beach trauma. Again.” He discovers that Barbie feet are permanently arched and calls it commitment to form. The Kens worship him as a fashion prophet and this becomes everyone’s problem.
★ Perturabo - Architect Barbie ★
The Dreamhouse has architectural bitterness now!
He looks at the Dreamhouse and is so angry he nearly becomes Beach Ken out of spite. He redesigns the Dreamhouse into a fortified brutalist pink citadel with proper stairs, water pressure, basement storage, siege resistant balconies and no slide from the bedroom to the pool because he says it compromises seriousness.
The Barbies hate it, the Kens love the man cave annex he didn’t authorize.
His accessory pack includes:
* drafting board
* tiny hard hat
* pink concrete mixer
* resentment clipboard
* structural integrity trauma
★Jaghatai Khan - Convertible Road Trip Barbie ★
The horizon isn't included so he made one!
He refuses to stay in Barbie World’s little perfect neighborhood and the instant he sees a pink convertible he is gone. He doesn't ask where the road leads... it's bright, fake, endless and somehow loops back to the beach no matter how far he drives.
He immediately begins testing the boundaries of Barbie World and organizes illegal drag races between convertibles, scooters, rollerblades and one horse he liberated from Equestrian Barbie.
The Kens call him Speed Barbie and follow him around shouting “Mojo Dojo Drift House!”. He hates the phrase but respects the enthusiasm.
His accessory pack includes:
* pink convertible
* travel mug
* sunglasses
* wind machine
* map with no edges
★ Russ - Camping Adventure Barbie ★
He came for friendship and stayed for the pack howl!
He is delighted. The tent is tiny, the campfire is fake, the marshmallows are plastic and the wolf companion is clearly a cute accessory but Russ doesn't care and adopts all of it. His Barbie outfit is a flannel, boots, cargo shorts and a tiny puffer vest that he refuses to zip. He calls every Barbie pack and every Ken "also pack, maybe."
He finds a Barbie dog, a Barbie horse and a Barbie wolf, all are now Fenrisian. The Barbies teach him a choreographed dance number, he pretends to hate it but learns every move and performs it too aggressively, knocking over the smoothie stand.
His accessory pack includes:
* wolf plush
* cooler full of meat-shaped objects
* camping chair
* tiny axe that Barbie World keeps turning into a hairbrush
* emergency marshmallow rage
★ Rogal Dorn - Home Improvement Barbie ★
The Dreamhouse is now defensible and emotionally unavailable!
He is Barbie World’s greatest asset and biggest buzzkill. He fixes everything. The Dreamhouse elevator? Reinforced. The pool ladder? Secured. The convertible garage? Properly organized. The balcony? Finally up to code.
He labels every storage bin.
“This is so cute!” Barbie says.
“It's compliant.” he replies
His accessory pack includes:
* tool belt
* clipboard
* tiny level
* safety goggles
* one smile, sold separately
★ Konrad Curze - Weirder Barbie ★
You played too hard and now he knows your sins!
Barbie World takes one look at him and goes: “Wow. You go over there.” He lives in Weird Barbie’s house immediately and loves it. Crooked stairs, strange decor, existential dread, socially rejected dolls, permanent marker trauma... It speaks to him.
“You’ve seen things.” Weird Barbie says.
“You have no idea.” He replies.
His hair is cut wrong, his eyeliner is somehow permanent, his outfit is black, pink and alarming. The Barbies are polite to him in the way people are polite to a haunted doll.
His accessory pack includes:
* marker-stained face
* bent sunglasses
* cursed snow cone
* tiny bat plush
* emotional damage
★ Sanguinius - Angel Dream Barbie ★
He believes in you and that’s devastating!
He has wings, perfect hair, soft pink clothes and the tragic aura of a limited edition collector doll that everyone wants but no child should emotionally depend on.
The Barbies and Kens alike love him. He tries to participate normally and play beach volleyball but everyone still gasps. He tries rollerblading and it becomes a renaissance painting.
He is the only one who can ask Weirder Barbie Curze if he wants to join and actually get a yes (Curze says no but appears later anyway).
His accessory pack includes:
* wing-friendly jacket
* halo sunglasses
* kindness tote bag
* doomed poetry journal
* one soft feather everyone fights over
He hates the plastic tools personally. The wrench bends, the screwdriver is decorative, the hammer is pink and hollow. He immediately improves every car, the convertible now has real suspension, a reinforced chassis and better torque.
The Dreamhouse kitchen blender becomes powerful enough to process granite. The elevator moves too fast and the Kens love this, they ask him to build a horse truck. Ferrus says no then builds one because the original idea offended him and he needed to do it correctly.
His accessory pack includes:
* real wrench
* tank top
* glitter goggles he denies liking
* pink garage lift
* broken toy hammer as a warning
★ Angron - Boxing Gym Barbie ★
Feel your feelings then hit the bag!
Barbie World tries to give him a cheerful fitness set with pink gloves, a cute towel and a motivational water bottle that says YOU GOT THIS!
“Do I.” He stares at the bottle.
The gym is too bright and cheerful, the punching bag has a smiley face on it. At first he hates everything until a Ken tries the punching bag and says: "This is hard."
“Yes.” Angron looks at him. He becomes an extremely intense but weirdly effective fitness coach.
The Kens become obsessed and the Barbies start taking his ange management boxing class because it is the only place in Barbie World where they are allowed to feel ugly emotions.
His accessory pack includes:
* boxing gloves
* rage towel
* water bottle he refuses to admit is useful
* cracked smiley punching bag
* soft pillow hidden in the locker
★ Guilliman -Administrative Barbie ★
Every Dreamhouse needs governance!
President Barbie is delighted for about seven minutes until Guilliman reorganizes the entire government. Barbie World has no real laws because everything works on vibes and he finds this unacceptable.
“Where is the budget?”
“What budget?”
“The budget for the beach.”
“The beach just is!”
He needs to sit down.
He creates committees, civic calendars, infrastructure plans, transport routes and a Dreamhouse zoning code. The Barbies are impressed because he makes clipboards look heroic, the Kens are terrified because he asks them what their actual jobs are.
“Beach.” ken replies.
“That's a location.” Guilliman replies.
“...beach.”
His accessory pack includes:
* clipboard
* laptop
* sensible blazer
* municipal planning map
* emotional support spreadsheet
★ Mortarion - Compost Garden Barbie★
Rot is just nature telling the truth!
He is assigned to the Barbie World garden because it's the only place with soil.... Unfortunately the soil is perfect pink decorative plastic. He hates it.
He builds a little greenhouse full of mushrooms, medicinal plants and one tomato plant he insists he doesn't care about. The Kens find his compost barrel and ask if it's a grill. Mortarion closes his eyes for a long time.
His accessory pack includes:
* gardening gloves
* ugly boots
* compost bin
* tiny sign reading NO GLITTER IN THE SOIL
★ Magnus the Red - Astronomer Mystic Barbie ★
The stars are plastic but the consequences are real!
He gets a telescope, a pink notebook and immediately starts correcting the star chart.
“These constellations are nonsense.”
“They’re pretty!” says Barbie.
“So are lies.”
He turns the Dreamhouse observatory into a forbidden metaphysical research center, the Barbies like his astrology readings until they become too accurate. He also gets into a fight with the narrator.
His accessory pack includes:
* telescope
* sparkly star cape
* forbidden notebook
* sparkly third-eye sunglasses
* tiny warding circle rug
★ Horus Lupercal - Charismatic Ken ★
He makes patriarchy sound like group therapy!
He isn't a Barbie but a Ken, the Ken who immediately understands that Ken society is emotionally fragile, status starved, beach obsessed and vulnerable to speeches about purpose. Within one day the Kens are wearing matching jackets and calling him brother.
He doesn't seize power, he merely asks: “Have you ever wanted to be more than Beach?” The Kens gasp and somewhere the plot breaks. Barbie World wasn't designed to survive Horus helping insecure men organize.
The Kens stop saying “I am Kenough” and start saying “We are heard.”
★ Lorgar - Writer Barbie ★
Every diary entry becomes scripture if you’re intense enough!
He gets a pink typewriter, a diary, a quill pen and a cozy Dreamhouse writing nook. The Barbies love affirmations and Lorgar weaponizes it.
'You are Kenough because you are witnessed.'
'The Dreamhouse is not a place, it's a hunger for belonging.'
The Barbies are sobbing, the Kens are taking notes. He starts a journaling circle that becomes dangerously close to worship.
★ Vulkan - Craft Workshop Barbie ★
Broken is just waiting to be repaired kindly!
He fixes broken Dreamhouse furniture, teaches Kens to sew buttons, helps Barbies build shelves, repairs roller skates and starts a community craft table. He helps Weird Barbie repair dolls who were played with too hard without any judgement.
“You aren't ruined, you are loved differently.”
Everyone cries, even Curze pretends not to.
Vulkan bakes cookies in the Dreamhouse kitchen and somehow makes them real enough to eat. This confuses the metaphysics of the world but nobody cares because the cookies are amazing.
His accessory pack includes:
* craft apron
* tiny hammer
* sewing kit
* cookie tray
* infinite wholesome dad energy
★ Corvus Corax - Indie Music Barbie ★
He arrives in black jeans, boots, hoodie, chipped nail polish and a guitar he says he doesn't play. He discovers that Barbie World has no protest songs because everyone is supposed to be happy all the time and that offends him.
He starts writing songs behind the Dreamhouse, the lyrics are about plastic smiles, beach capitalism and whether perfection is just a prettier cage. Some Barbies pretend they don't love him but keep showing up to hear him play.
His accessory pack includes:
* black guitar
* zine stack
* combat boots
* tiny raven sticker
* notebook labeled Not Lyrics
★ Alpharius Omegon - Mystery Barbie ★
Collect them all! You already have!
Every box says a different thing: He’s Beach Ken! He’s Spy Barbie! He’s not Included! There are two dolls in the package, maybe three.
He infiltrates Mattel, the Kens and even the narrator. At one point, a little girl playing with the dolls asks “wait, which one is this?” Alpharius smiles and the box changes.
His tagline changes every time someone reads it.
His accessory pack includes:
* sunglasses
* fake mustache
* second sunglasses
* tiny walkie-talkie
* map of Barbie World with impossible locations
* spare head labeled NOT OMEGON
----------------------------
Sanguinius sits on the beach, watching the sunset turn perfect plastic pink. “It's beautiful.” He says softly.
“It is fake.” Curze, who is beside him wearing stolen heart-shaped sunglasses, says.
“Many beautiful things are.”
Curze considers this for a moment before handing him a blue raspberry snow cone nobody knows where he got it.
The Golden Timeline AU: Primarchs if they were raised by Erda
(it's an alternate universe, it's make believe! Erda was far from a perfect person but let's play pretend for a moment here.)
They are still superhuman designed to lead armies and reshape history but Erda gives them a self that exists before them being weapons. They still conquer and terrify but this time they aren’t hollow children waiting for the emperor to tell them what their pain means.
The emperor still wants a galaxy brought under human dominion but this time the primarchs arrive with a shared identity and a mother who taught them to question being used. Their relationship with the emperor is colder and healthier. They argue with the emperor from day one, push back on the worst policies, demand clarity about the warp and force better treatment of their legions. They share information with each other instead of hoarding shame.
The legions in general become less like isolated cults of personality and more like a family of military civilizations. Still extreme and shaped by their primarch but now the primarchs talk. Chaos thrives in secrecy, this family is still dysfunctional but not silent.
The heresy doesn’t happen as a single galaxy breaking betrayal event, instead we get a primarchs coalition inside the imperium that slowly limits the emperor’s absolutism. Not democracy because this is still 40k but less father and his broken sons and more twenty demigod generals who know when they are being manipulated.
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion is still secretive but not emotionally feral. The Dark Angels becomes less of a paranoid hidden order and more of a knightly intelligence army disciplined, terrifyingly competent but not self-poisoned by shame.
The Dark Angels still have circles within circles and still keep secrets because the Lion genuinely believes some knowledge is dangerous but he also learned to tell someone. Not everyone but Guilliman knows enough, Sanguinius knows when he is troubled and Corvus knows the shape of his covert wars. Erda raised him to understand that silence is not the same thing as strength.
The Dark Angels:
- knightly orders with clear ethical oaths
-monster hunters and xenos-killers
-secure archives and controlled forbidden weapons
Fulgrim
Fulgrim is still beautiful, brilliant, dramatic and insufferable but he doesn’t believe imperfection makes him unlovable. His legion becomes what the Emperor’s Children always claimed to be: excellency without spiritual rot. Artists of war, yes, but also patrons, diplomats, builders of culture, restorers of civilization after compliance.
They still polish armor until it shines like glass and still practice sword forms like ballet but their perfectionism is disciplined and not desperate. A healthy Fulgrim understands that beauty isn’t the absence of flaw but mastery and intention.
Slaanesh feeds on the terror that nothing is ever enough but Erda-raised Fulgrim knows he can fail and still exist. The Laer blade would still tempt him but he would recognize the voice as predatory flattery and not revelation.
“That sword is talking, put it down, you idiot.” Ferrus says and Fulgrim listens.
The Emperor’s Children:
-elite duelists and shock troops
-battlefield musicians, remembrancers, architects, diplomats
-high standards but less cruelty toward failure
-obsession with improvement but not humiliation
Perturabo
Perturabo still complains constantly. He is still grim, brilliant and constitutionally incapable of believing people appreciate his work enough but he knows how to ask for recognition before resentment becomes a weapon. Canon Perturabo turns his legion into an extension of his grievance but Erda-raised Perturabo turns them into an extension of his standards.
His Iron Warriors become less disposable siege meat and more of a grand corps of military engineers and fortress-builders, still brutal and pragmatic but not spiritually abused by their own primarch. Chaos offers Perturabo recognition and vindication but he has already learned that being unseen hurts and that hurting doesn’t make him entitled to burn the world.
“No one appreciates me.”
“Did you tell them what you needed?” Erda says.
“They should know.” Perturabo replies.
“No.”
Perturabo hates this but it saves him.
The Iron Warriors:
-siege specialists and civil engineers
-builders of roads, bastions, void docks, orbital defenses
-grim but respected
-high casualty tolerance but not pointless attrition
-bitter rivalry with Dorn but more professional hatred than soul cancer
Jaghatai Khan
Probably the one that changes the least. He was already one of the more internally stable primarchs, Erda just gives him stronger family ties and less instinct to remain unknowable. He still hates tyranny and still thinks that bureaucracy is a disease but he learned that commitment is not imprisonment.
The White Scars:
-rapid strike cavalry of the stars
- outriders, scouts, void raiders, expeditionary forces
-less isolated from other Legions
- more trusted as messengers, explorers, and border guardians
Russ
Russ is still loud, loyal, savage and absolutely impossible indoors but he isn’t groomed into being the emperor’s execution hound. He still enjoys a fight and still threatens people with cheerful violence but he is much less likely to accept ‘because father said so’ as moral reasoning.
The Space Wolves:
-monster hunters, rescue forces
-fierce defenders of common humans
-more emotionally open than most legions
-less hypocritical about psykers because Erda made Russ actually think about that contradiction
Dorn
Still a stone with a pulse but he learned that being needed isn’t the same as being loved so his legion doesn't inherit quite as much emotional constipation. The Imperial Fists become the great wardens, builders, and defenders of humanity but with more concern for the people inside the walls and not just the wall itself. Erda-raised Dorn remembers that duty exists to protect life and not to replace it.
He still builds walls but now he puts doors in them (emotionally and architecturally).
The Imperial Fists:
-fortress builders and void defense masters
-disciplined line infantry
-evacuation planners, disaster defenders, last stand specialists
Konrad Curze
Konrad is still terrifying, he still has visions and still believes justice matters with an intensity that frightens normal people but he isn’t raised by Nostramo. The moment this man realizes that he sees only one possible future and not all of them he becomes someone else, a vision isn’t a verdict and this matters more than anything.
The Night Lords:
-night warfare specialists
-criminal investigators and tyrant breakers
-psychological operations
-less flaying, more precise terror
-still absolutely not invited to morale events
Sanguinius
Sanguinius becomes more powerful because he isn’t constantly devoured by martyrdom. He is still radiant, beloved and carrying the red thirst but he has boundaries.
His Blood Angels become less ashamed of their darkness. Instead of treating the red thirst as a secret curse Sanguinius teaches them to treat it as a condition requiring discipline, ritual, honesty and brotherhood. The Legion becomes healthier because shame isn’t allowed to rule them. The black rage never forms and the red thirst remains but it isn’t compounded by psychic catastrophe and ten thousand years of grief.
The Blood Angels:
-noble assault troops and artists
-blood rites but controlled and openly managed
-strong chaplaincy/apothecary support
-less self hatred
-more emphasis on beauty as restraint against monstrosity
Ferrus
Ferrus still believes weakness must be confronted but he no longer thinks flesh itself is shameful. The Iron Hands still love machinery and replacing limbs, they still build hard, efficient, brutal warriors but their philosophy is not self-hatred wearing steel. The machine strengthens the flesh but it doesn’t absolve you of being alive.
The Iron Hands:
-elite mechanized infantry
-cybernetic enhancement but not compulsive mutilation
-close ties to the Mechanicum but less spiritual dependence
-harsh training but not contempt for vulnerability
-Ferrus and Fulgrim’s friendship becomes a cultural bridge between strength and beauty
Angron
No Butcher’s Nails, nucerian slavery or abandoned gladiator family, this Angron is a completely different person. His original gift was empathy, he could feel and soothe the pain of others and once raised by Erda this gift survives.
His doctrine: no human being is born for chains. Obviously this creates tension with the Imperium because it’s full of chains but this tension is exactly why Angron matters.
Khorne loses his easiest meal because Angron without the nails is angry but not addicted to violence as pain relief.
Khorne: “Blood will set you free.”
Angron: “No. Freedom is what comes after the blood.”
The War Hounds / World Eaters:
-shock assault and liberation warfare
-field medics and trauma-bonded brotherhood
-ferocious protection of civilians;
Guilliman
Guilliman already had one of the better upbringings so Erda changes him less than others, the biggest difference is his relationship with control.
He is less likely to believe that if he doesnt organize everything personally, everything will fail. He still builds Ultramar, still writes systems and still loves a good policy framework more than some people love their children but he delegates better, listens better and understands that people aren’t just units in a functioning civilization.
His legion becomes even more effective but maybe(hopefully) less culturally smug.
The Ultramarines:
-governance specialists
-logistics, rebuilding, civic integration
-strong officer education
-less rigid absolutism because Guilliman learned flexibility from siblings who don’t fit neat standards
Mortarion
Still grim, stubborn, endurance focused and fascinated by toxins, disease and survival but he doesn’t glorify suffering as an identity.
His Death Guard become less plague soldiers and more hazard warfare specialists: rad zones, toxin worlds, contaminated battlefields, hostile atmospheres, disaster response, anti-Nurgle quarantine operations. They are the ones you send where everyone else would die but they don’t resent life itself.
Mortarion teaches them: “Endurance is not worship of pain, it’s refusal to abandon duty when conditions become vile.”
The Death Guard:
-sealed armor, chem warfare expertise, hostile environment troops
-medical quarantine and decontamination units
-brutal attrition fighters
-hatred of false purity and aristocratic hypocrisy
-still smells bad but professionally
Magnus
Magnus still becomes a psychic colossus but Erda raises Magnus with boundaries, he learns that knowledge isn’t neutral when it can interfere in other people’s lives. He learns humility before entities that flatter curiosity. He learns to say that he doesn’t know enough yet (not always because he is still Magnus but sometimes).
Tzeentch needs Magnus isolated, ashamed and certain he alone can fix things. Erda-raised Magnus has been forced since childhood to admit when the ceiling is on fire. He still wants forbidden knowledge but he has siblings who will physically drag him away from the forbidden door (especially Russ).
The Thousand Sons become an openly regulated psychic Legion, probably the foundation of a sane Imperial psychic institution. Instead of Nikaea becoming a disaster, Magnus helps build transparent psychic law.
The Thousand Sons:
-scholar-warriors
-warded libraries and psychic academies
-battlefield precognition, telekinesis, divination
-strict anti-daemonic protocols
-no desperate secret bargains to save his legion because Magnus asks for help earlier
Horus
He is still the charismatic center of gravity but not the emperor’s favorite son in the same emotionally poisonous way. He doesn’t need to be first to feel loved and doesn’t interpret doubt as betrayal. He is less vulnerable to Erebus style manipulation because he has been taught to distrust people who isolate you from your family.
Chaos offers him the truth that the Emperor lies but Erda already told him that. Chaos offers him importance but he already has love.
The Luna Wolves:
-charismatic command culture
-flexible, aggressive expeditionary warfare
-less personality cult around Horus
-stronger bonds with other legions because Horus doesn’t need to dominate every room.
Lorgar
Lorgar raised by Erda is still religious by nature, he will always seek meaning and sacred order but he isn’t taught that love equals obedience and pain equals holiness. Chaos offers gods that answer but Erda taught him that not every answering thing deserves worship.
The Word Bearers don’t become chaos missionaries, but philosophers, diplomats, memorialists and moral theologians. They create rites for compliance that aren’t Emperor worship and help conquered worlds integrate without cultural annihilation. They ask the dangerous questions: What is humanity for? What may the empire demand? What isn’t permitted even in victory? This makes the emperor uncomfortable which means it’s probably good.
The Word Bearers:
-orators, diplomats, cultural architects
-chaplains, historians, iterators, ethical officers
-powerful morale and unity specialists
-absolutely capable of turning a civic seminar into a devotional movement if unsupervised
Vulkan
Vulkan is still kind, huge, impossible to kill and morally luminous without being delicate and his legion is even more central to the Imperium’s humanitarian side. They become the legion everyone trusts with civilian protection, disaster relief, evacuation and rebuilding.
In a less broken Imperium Vulkan’s values spread farther.
The Salamanders:
-flame and melta specialists
-civilian defense and rescue warfare
-artisan-warriors
-strong local bonds with human populations
-terrifying if you harm innocents
Corvus Corax
Corvus raised by Erda still hates oppression and gravitates toward the hidden, the quiet, the marginal and imprisoned but he isn’t shaped by Lycaeus alone. His rebellion isn’t born from suffering but from principle.
This puts Corvus in direct moral conflict with parts of the Imperium, especially if the emperor tolerates cruel planetary governors for efficiency. Good.
The Raven Guard:
-stealth specialists
-insurgency support and counter-occupation warfare
-extraction and rescue units
-strong intelligence networks
-less self-isolating since Istvaan never breaks them
Alpharius Omegon
Alpharius and Omegon are still impossible but the healthy upbringing doesn’t remove the spycraft, it just gives it a moral center. Erda teaches the twins that secrecy is a tool and not a home.
The Alpha Legion becomes a true strategic intelligence legion and not a self-devouring maze of "just as planned" nonsense. Their deception has goals and the identity games don’t become spiritual dissociation. They still infiltrate everything and lie as naturally as breathing but they know who they are underneath the masks (mostly) (on good days).
The Alpha Legion:
-intelligence networks
-infiltration, sabotage, counterintelligence
-less likely to accidentally outsmart themselves into treason
Lion El’Jonson
He gets internet access and immediately uses it like a classified military archive. He only lurks and has no profile picture or username. Somehow he has accounts on forums that have been dead since 2007. He knows everything everyone has ever posted and has screenshots… and backups of the screenshots. He is in twelve Discord servers but has never typed. His status is always invisible and when he finally sends one message it’s: “Explain”.
The Lion doesn’t get internet drama, he sees it as intelligence warfare. Someone tweets “hot take: the Dark Angels seem suspicious” and three minutes later their router starts making weird noises.
Fulgrim
He becomes an influencer in under 48 hours. His Instagram is unbearable and every post is him in perfect lighting. He starts a skincare channel, a fashion review channel, a music theory channel and a video essay channel where every video is secretly about himself. Once he discovers thirst traps he becomes impossible to live with.
He also discovers comment sections. One person writes: “mid” and Fulgrim spends six sleepless days crafting a response so devastating that it becomes a legally recognized form of psychological warfare.
Perturabo
He immediately learns CAD, 3D printing, coding, modding, cybersecurity and whatever else gives him more reasons to be angry. He has a Reddit account with negative karma despite being correct in every single thread.
Someone posts a bridge design and Perturabo replies with a 9000 words correction with load calculations and a final paragraph explaining why the poster’s bloodline has failed architecture. Nobody reads it… this confirms everything he already believed about humanity. He also plays Minecraft but only in survival mode building vast functional megastructures underground that nobody is allowed to see.
Jaghatai
Discovers motorbike videos, illegal street racing clips, travel vlogs and oddly specific forums about custom engines. He barely posts, he just appears in comment sections under videos of people doing insane runs through mountains.
He starts a channel where he reviews roads. It has no intro, branding or editing, it’s just helmet footage. Somehow it becomes huge. He refuses sponsorships unless they are from tire companies. His comment section is weirdly peaceful because everyone knows if they start drama he will appear at their house to take them for a ride while he explains humility at 300 km/h.
Russ
His internet access lasts 12 minutes before he starts a flame war with an entire forum. He discovers memes and immediately understands them at a spiritual level. He has the worst profile pictures, it’s blurry, too close to the face, most of the time it’s him holding a drink and the caption is like ‘me n the lads”. Russ discovers reaction gifs and uses them incorrectly but with such confidence that everyone else starts questioning themselves.
He types in all caps when excited, which is always. He joins a reddit group about werewolves and gets banned for arguing that most members do not understand wolves, war, brotherhood, drinking, loyalty or winter.
Dorn
The only one to use internet properly. His passwords are secure, his files are organized, his browser has no extensions except one ad blocker and his desktop is empty. He reads terms and conditions, all of them. He uses LinkedIn unironically and posts things like: “Reliability is built one decision at a time.” He has exactly one social media account where he follows only official infrastructure pages and comments “good work” under civil engineering announcements.
He doesn’t understand memes but he respects that they are load bearing cultural structures. Once someone sent him a ‘bro lives in a society’ meme, Dorn studies it for nineteen minutes and replied: “we do.”
Konrad Curze
Banned from every platform because he keeps accurately predicting people’s future crimes in comment sections.
“Rate my fit.” Someone posts.
“You will betray your friend in seven months over money.” Curze replies. Everyone thinks he is doing a bit until it happens.
His youtube recommendations are horrifying, things like: true crime, urban decay, abandoned mall footage, court trials, analog horror and videos titled things like The Last Sound Recorded Before Disaster. He starts making video essays, they are extremely well edited and completely unwatchable because they feel personally accusatory. His channel description is just: “You were warned.”
Sanguinius
Beloved online instantly. He posts a single photo once with no caption and the entire internet collapses. People who hate each other stop mid argument to say “wait he’s beautiful though.” He starts using social media to encourage people, support artists, boost charity campaigns and tell strangers they are not beyond redemption. This causes mass emotional damage, his comment sections are full of people crying.
The problem is that he also has prophetic dreams so sometimes his posts are like: “Cherish the light today because it will be needed tomorrow.” And then something terrible trends the next day.
Ferrus
Ferrus watches machine videos, that’s all. He has no patience for social media, no interest in arguing online and absolute contempt for influencers reviewing tools they clearly can’t use. He leaves comments only when someone’s technique is dangerous: “clamp the piece before you lose a finger.” That’s his entire online presence.
His favorite content is restoration channels, blacksmithing channels, hydraulic press videos and ‘turning a solid block of metal into something absurdly precise’ videos. He doesn’t subscribe, he simply returns.
Angron
He clicks one popup ad and punches the monitor so hard the desk becomes archaeology. He discovers comment sections and immediately assumes everyone is challenging him.
“first” someone writes.
“FIRST TO DIE?” Angron replies.
He gets into online gaming for eleven minutes and is banned from every server for voice chat violations, hardware destruction and somehow causing emotional harm to the moderation team. The only thing that calms him down is oddly satisfying soap-cutting videos.
Guilliman
He becomes terrifyingly productive and builds a personal dashboard for news, policy, logistics, military history, agricultural reports, tax reform and supply chains. He has 142 browser tabs open and knows each one of them.
His social media presence is sterile but effective, every post is formatted, sourced, tagged and accompanied by a summary for ‘those with limited time.’ He gets into online arguments only to correct misinformation then accidentally writes a full white paper in the replies. He hates doomscrolling because it is inefficient despair but still does it for exactly 12 minutes per day to monitor morale. The Codex Astartes receives an appendix on password hygiene.
Mortarion
He falls into the worst corners of the internet immediately: forums with gray backgrounds, conspiracy boards, mold remediation groups, medical misinformation subreddits and places where every user has a username like rotfather1973. He trusts none of it but reads all of it and his search history is spiritually damp.
He starts a blog where he reviews modern civilization, scented candles, air fresheners and public health policy with equal disgust.
Magnus the Red
Magnus with internet access is worse than Magnus with sorcery because now the bad decisions are searchable. He discovers online archives, occult forums, academic databases, piracy sites, language apps and ten thousand pdf labeled `FINAL_REAL_VERSION_3`.
He has twelve monitors and is reading all of them. He joins an argument about historical translation and accidentally reveals knowledge no living person should possess. He corrects Wikipedia pages at 3:00 a.m. with sources that technically don’t exist yet. He sees a warning telling him to not click this suspicious link and thinks: “But why?”
Horus
He understands social media instantly. He makes perfect posts with perfect timing, everyone feels personally seen and thinks they are his favorite mutual. He starts with motivational leadership content, then podcasts, then private communities, then paid tiers and a newsletter… somehow half the internet is calling him Warmaster as a joke except it isn’t a joke anymore.
He never posts anything overtly bad, everything is reasonable and sensible until the day he uploads a video titled: “We Need To Talk About The Emperor” and the algorithm does the rest.
Lorgar
He discovers blogging and becomes unstoppable with long posts, longer threads, Medium articles, newsletters, PDFs with dramatic covers and comment replies that become sermons. He cries the first time one of his posts goes viral then he makes everyone else cry by accident.
His Substack is called The Word in the Static and it has terrifying engagement, he starts every post with “beloved reader” and ends with “you are seen.” People realize too late they have joined a religion with a Discord server, merch and weekly voice calls.
Vulkan
Uses the internet to learn crafts, help people fix things and watch videos of animals being rescued. He is wholesome in a way that causes psychic damage to cynics. His youtube history is woodworking, metal casting, cooking, restoration, charity builds and “man makes tiny house for stray cat” videos. He leaves kind comments under small creators’ work: “You are improving, be proud of your work.” The creator cries.
Vulkan also discovers online marketplaces and starts buying broken tools because they deserve a second life. His workshop becomes impossible to enter. He is banned from one DIY forum after telling someone, very gently, that their homemade furnace is a funeral announcement.
Corvus Corax
He uses the internet like a ghost. No accounts connected to his real identity, no visible presence or digital footprint but somehow still knows everything. He is on encrypted chats, privacy forums, abandoned poetry blogs, obscure political theory archives and extremely niche music platforms. His posts are either revolutionary manifestos or sad bird photos, no middle ground.
He runs several anonymous accounts that expose corruption, organize mutual aid and review black eyeliner.
Alpharius Omegon
They already had internet access somehow. They are several moderators, bots and the person arguing with the bots. They are also the person writing the article about bot activity, the anonymous source in the article and the fact checker. Every Alpharius official account is fake including the real one.
They run ARGs that accidentally become cult recruitment pipelines, intelligence operations disguised as meme pages and meme pages disguised as intelligence operations.
Requesting how Primarch's handle night time living completely alone after watching a horror movie that actually managed to scare them
Primarchs after watching a horror movie
Nothing is as scary as an absent father but some things sure do get close.
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion doesn’t admit fear, he calls it heightened situational awareness. After the horror movie he returns to his room, locks the door, checks the windows, the vents, behind the curtains, beneath the bed, the ceiling, the shadows, then checks the door again because the sequence must be complete. He sits in the dark perfectly still with a sword across his knees.
The movie’s monster had hidden in silence waiting for people to feel safe and the Lion doesn’t feel safe so logically the monster can’t win. In the morning there are seventeen new traps in his room.
Fulgrim
Fulgrim is offended by the indignity of being afraid. He returns to his room, turns on every elegant, lights scented candles, puts on music, applies night cream and tells himself that he is above crude psychological manipulation.
The mirror catches a shape behind him and Fulgrim screams… It's only his own nightgown hanging on a chair. He posts a review: “Visually competent. Emotionally cheap. Two stars.” He sleeps with the lights on for three nights, for aesthetic reasons obviously.
Perturabo
He is furious because the movie scared him through poor design. The house in the film had a bad architecture with too many blind corners, no reinforced doors and an illogical hallway layout and yet…
When he returns to his room he sits at his desk and begins drafting a corrected floor plan for the movie’s house then a full siege analysis of how the protagonists should have survived. This isn’t coping, merely engineering. At 4:00 am something scratches at the window and Perturabo slowly looks up. It is a branch. He removes it, then the tree, by morning he has redesigned his entire room to eliminate cinematic vulnerability. He claims this was always necessary.
Jaghatai
He laughs during the movie but later when he is alone it feels weird. The monster was never where people expected it, it didn’t chase, it awaited ahead and that bothers him. He can’t sleep so he walks, then walks faster, then goes outside and runs. The open night sky helps because if something is behind you, you can make it remain behind you.
At some point he realizes he has been running for hours so he stops and looks back at the dark road. Nothing is following and he grins. The next time someone suggests a horror movie he agrees only if it has chase scenes.
Russ
Russ insists he wasn’t scared but merely battle-ready. He goes to bed with an axe, he claims this is normal, he also leaves the lights on. The movie had something crawling in the dark beneath the floorboards and Russ hates that because enemies should come at you roaring, not whispering under your feet like cowardly worms.
At midnight the floor creaks and he sits up instantly. “COME OUT THEN!” Nothing happens. He gets out of bed, lifts the rug, checks the boards, checks under the bed, checks the closet, then drags the mattress into the middle of the room where nothing can crawl directly beneath him. He sleeps there with one eye open and in the morning claims it was the best sleep he ever had.
Dorn
Dorn isn’t scared, he simply identified that the film successfully exploited environmental insecurity, acoustic uncertainty and the human tendency to project threats into unverified spaces. That 's all.
He returns to his room and fixes what he can. By 2:00am he moved furniture to improve sightlines, tested the lock, blocked the vent and placed a chair under the door handle. He lies in bed awake staring at the ceiling because the movie had a scene where the ceiling cracked open so Dorn gets up and inspects it then reinforces it.
Konrad Curze
Curze practically lives in the genre but the movie found something worse than gore and darkness, it had a monster that didn’t punish the guilty, it attacked randomly and that unsettles him. He returns to his room and sits in the dark like usual but this time it feels different. He waits for a vision that never comes.
“Show me.” He whispers.
Nothing.
At 3:17 am a pipe knocks on the wall and Curze turns his head sharply and smiles.
“There you are.” (There is nothing there.) He spends the rest of the night murmuring to the empty corner.
Sanguinius
Sanguinius is deeply ashamed that the film scared him not because fear is a weakness but because he already sees enough terrible endings when he sleeps. The movie’s horror wasn't the monster but the inevitability, every choice the characters made led them closer to the dark even when they were trying to escape and that touched something too close.
Alone in his room Sanguinius can’t bring himself to turn off the lights. His wings are folded tight as he sits by the window and watches the sky pale slowly, refusing to sleep because dreams might continue where the film left off.
Ferrus
Ferrus is angry at himself because the film was absurd. Not only was it mechanically impossible but the monster’s body made no sense and it’s hunting behavior was inconsistent. When he is alone in the workshop afterwards every tool shadow looks like a limb so he turns on the forge and starts working.
He makes a blade, then another, then a reinforced lock. At some point he realizes he made a weapon specifically designed for the monster in the movie. He stares at it.
“Hypothetically.”
He keeps it by the bed… Hypothetically.
Angron
Angron doesn’t like fear because it feels too much like helplessness. The movie had no glorious battle or clean enemy, no chance to fight back, just people trapped, hunted and made small. He hates that. Alone in his room he can’t settle down, the walls feel too close and the silence feels like waiting. His fists keep clenching.
At midnight a shadow shifts and Angron strikes the wall so hard it cracks. He stands there breathing furiously because nothing was there and something still won. He sits against the door with his weapon across his knees guarding an empty room from a fear he can’t kill.
Guilliman
He understands exactly how the movie scared him and still that doesn’t help. It exploited systemic collapse, trusted institutions failing, communication breaking down, rational plans becoming useless under pressure. Deeply offensive.
He returns to his room and begins creating a contingency protocol. The document starts as one page but by morning he has produced A Preliminary Framework for Civil Defense Against Nonconventional Nocturnal Entities. He insists it isn’t about the movie.
Mortarion
Mortarion pretends disgust is stronger than fear and usually it is but the movie was specifically about infection. Not honest decay or natural rot but something invisible that entered clean places and healthy bodies, that enrages him.
He checks the vents and seals them then unseals them because sealed air is worse. He burns incense, hates the smell, extinguishes it and opens a window. The night air rolls in damp and cold. Better but still not enough.
He spends the rest of the night awake reading old toxicology records. In the morning Fulgrim says he looks terrible and Mortarin replies: “Good.”
Magnus the Red
He says the movie was intellectually crude but he slept with seven wards active. The film involved forbidden knowledge, a book and a door that shouldn’t open. Magnus knows better than anyone that this is nonsense but he also knows better than anyone that it’s not. Alone at night he tries to read something comforting but unfortunately his idea of comforting is an ancient grimoire with footnotes in dead languages.
A floorboard creaks and he looks up. The candle flame bends sideways. “That isn’t amusing” he says. The room is silent. He adds three more wards then a fourth because three is symbolically unstable.
Horus
Horus is not easily frightened but the movie understood something he didn’t want named: the horror of being loved by people while something inside you changes where they can’t see.
He looks at his reflection in the dark window and for one absurd second expects it to smile differently. It doesn’t.
Lorgar
He shouldn’t watch religious horror, everyone knows that but he watched it anyway and now he is alone at night with every symbol in his room suddenly meaning too much. The candle flame. The shadow of the chair. The shape of his own hands. The silence between heartbeats. The movie’s demon spoke in scripture which is terribly unfair.
Lorgar kneels to pray then stops because prayer itself has become frightening. What if something answers? What if nothing does? Which would be worse?
“Faith is not fear” he whispers. The room gives no reply. “Faith is not fear” he tries again. At dawn he has written twenty pages about the difference between divine awe and terror. The handwriting gets worse as the pages go on.
Vulkan
Vulkan is embarrassed by how scared he is. He knows it’s just a movie and that everyone is safe. He knows the monster was cgi or a puppet, either way it was something done by hands, by someone, but the movie involved children hiding from something in the house and that got him.
He makes sure the doors are secure, lamps are working, blankets are enough and the hallways are clear. He lights a small lamp and works on a repair project until morning, something useful, kind and that proves hands can make safety too.
Corvus Corax
Corvus usually likes the dark but after the movie the dark has been ruined. The horror was not jumpscares but absence: empty rooms, missing people, the sense that something left and that was worse than if it had stayed.
Alone in his room he doesn’t light a lamp because of pride… then he lights one. The shadows retreat but don’t surrender. He lies down, closes his eyes and immediately sees the final scene again. At some point he writes a poem about fear as a room with no witness.
Alpharius Omegon
Alpharius claims the movie didn’t scare him, Omegon claims the same. One of them is lying, possibly both. The movie involved doubles, reflections, someone in the house who looked exactly like you but wasn’t you.
At night one of them goes to bed and the other stands watch or perhaps the contrary. At 2:00 am a voice from the dark asks “are you awake?”.
“Yes” both of them answer and then freeze once they both realize neither of them asked the question. The lights are turned on and the room is empty except for them.
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion writes the kind of fic where every character is lying, every chapter reveals a hidden agenda and the actual plot only becomes clear if you reread chapter 3, paragraph 7 and notice a single word was italicized.
The fic is 180k words, tagged Political Intrigue, Brotherhood, Secrets, Unreliable Narrator and No Beta We Die Like Men Who Knew Too Much. Nobody knows the pairing or if there’s even a pairing.
Fulgrim
Fulgrim writes decadent romantic prose with 400 words descriptions of someone removing a glove.
His tags are a crime scene: Beauty as Violence, Obsession, Toxic Devotion, Everyone Is Hot And Doomed, Morally Gray? No Morally Iridescent
He spends two weeks choosing a font for his title card even though AO3 doesn’t support fonts. He writes explicit scenes like they are opera, murder and a perfume advertising happening all at once.
Perturabo
Perturabo writes military realism, not fun make-believe but actual logistics. His fic is 600k words and 400k of those words are supply lines, siege planning, ammunition calculations and why the protagonist’s enemy deserves to lose because their fortifications are insulting. The romance subplot is two officers standing over a map and respecting each other’s competence.
One time a reader commented: “This chapter was kind of dry.”
Perturabo replies with a 3000 words explanation of why dryness is realistic during a siege. His author’s notes are longer than some fics.
He has one devoted fan who comments on every chapter: “The latrine placement detail was excellent.” (It’s Dorn on an anonymous account).
Jaghatai
His prose is fast, sparse and gorgeous. Characters are always leaving cities, crossing deserts, outrunning empires, falling in love with freedom and refusing to say the thing they feel until chapter 38 when they say it once and then immediately ride into a storm.
His tags: Road Trip, Emotional Repression, Horses, No Gods No Masters, The Landscape Is A Character. He updates randomly, sometimes three chapters in one night then nothing for eight months.
Russ
Russ writes werewolf AU but not the polished sexy werewolf version. It’s loud, bloody, heartfelt pack drama with too much mead, too much biting and shockingly good foundfamily emotional beats buried under jokes about eating raw elk. His spelling is questionable and his pacing is feral.
He has a recurring tag: Magnus Gets Bitten Deservedly.
Magnus reports him for harassment but AO3 does nothing because the fic is technically transformative. Russ celebrates by writing a sequel.
Dorn
He writes canon compliant missing scenes. He reads every source, checks every date and refuses to bend continuity even when bending continuity would make the story better. His prose is clean, restrained and emotionally devastating only because he refuses to admit emotions are happening.
His tags: Canon Complian, Duty, Fortifications, Emotional Constipation, No Archive Warnings Apply But You Will Feel Bad
His slow burn is 500k words because the characters spend 480k words establishing trust, mutual respect, shared responsibility and proper defensive infrastructure before touching hands once.
Konrad Curze
Curze writes horror fic that makes readers feel personally accused. His fics have no comfort, not even hurt/no comfort, they are just hurt/prophecy. The scariest part is that the gore is never as disturbing as the quiet domestic detail before it.
His tags are: Dead Dove Do Not Eat, Psychological Horror, Unreliable Reality, You Know What You Did.
The fic gets bookmarked 8000 times with private notes like: “Never read again. Masterpiece.”
Sanguinius
He writes the most beautiful tragedy in the entire archive. His characters are kind, the love is real and so is the hope, that’s exactly why it hurts. Readers enter thinking that surely it can't be that sad… it is that sad.
His tags: Bittersweet Ending, Doomed By Canon, Hope In The Dark, Gentle Touches, Everyone Tried Their Best
He responds to comments with such grace that people cry twice: once from the fic, once from his reply.
“I knew how it ended and still hoped.”
“So did they.” Sanguinius replies.
Ferrus
He doesn’t write fanfiction but technical manuals with character names inserted or at least that’s what he claims. His fic is a forge AU where every emotional breakthrough happens during weapon maintenance.
The romantic tension is:
“Your grip is wrong.”
“Then correct it.”
The readers go insane but Ferrus doesn't understand why. His tags: Craftsmanship, Competence Kink, No Nonsense, Weaponsmithing, Feelings Through Practical Instruction
Angron
Angron writes vent fic, it’s raw and furious without any polished structure. No delicate metaphor, just pain, rage, chains, survival and characters screaming the things no one let them say.
His tags: Anger, Trauma, No Forgiveness, Catharsis, Breaking Chains, Do Not Comment Advice
It’s the most honest thing on the entire archive. People comment things like “this saved me tonight.” Angron doesn’t reply for three weeks then one day: “GOOD.”
Guilliman
Guilliman writes long political fantasy with excellent worldbuilding, strong institutional logic and a 70 page glossary. His fic has maps, many maps. The plot is genuinely good but every romance chapter includes a committee meetings.
His tags: Political Intrigue, Slow Burn, Competent Leadership, Worldbuilding, Administrative Reform As Courtship
His author’s notes include things like: “For clarity I have attached a simplified succession chart.” (It isn’t simplified at all) He updates every Tuesday at 08:00 exactly.
Mortarion
Mortarion writes grimy plaguecore gothic fic. Everything is damp, everyone is sick, the manor is rotting and love is expressed by enduring someone’s worst symptoms without flinching.
His tags: Body Horror, Gothic Romance, Rot As Honesty, Unhealthy But Sincere.
Fulgrim hate-reads it until he realizes one chapter is actually good and that ruins his entire week. Mortarion’s fic has a small but intensely devoted following of readers who keep commenting: “this is disgusting, more please.” He refuses to tag Hurt/Comfort because he says comfort is a lie but it’s absolutely hurt/comfort.
Magnus the Red
He writes 900k words of forbidden magic academia AU. It has footnotes, invented languages and a dream sequences that require separate analysis.
His tags: Forbidden Knowledge, Academic Rivals To Lovers, Dream Logic, Heavy Symbolism, Footnotes, Author Is Definitely Overexplaining
Readers either quit in chapter 2 or become permanently changed.
Horus
His fic is about a beloved golden leader who gives everything to a distant father figure, is misunderstood by his siblings, carries impossible expectations and then makes one tiny mistake that definitely isn’t his fault.
The summary: He was the favorite until he was no longer useful. The tags: Betrayal, Daddy Issues, Found Family Breaking Apart, Everyone Leaves Eventually, Unreliable Narrator But Hot
The villain father character is named The Sovereign and the comment section becomes a support group for people who make bad decisions beautifully.
Lorgar
Lorgar writes 500k slow burn religious trauma soulbond fic. The first kiss happens at chapter 64 and is described as a theological crisis. The fic is gorgeous, dangerous and emotionally manipulative in exactly the way you think.
His tags: Faith, Devotion, Religious Imagery, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Worship As Love Language, Problematic Mentor Figure, Everyone Needs Therapy
His author’s notes are sermons, his chapter titles are scripture. His readers leave comments: “I think this changed my relationship with longing.” Lorgar replies with 700 words of gratitude and accidentally recruits them.
Vulkan
Vulkan writes found-family comfort fic with warm kitchens, repair shops and injured people being cared for.
His tags: Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Healing, Cooking As Care, Gentle Giant, Hopeful Ending
Nobody dies unless canon absolutely forces him. His fic is the one readers open at 2:00 a.m. when everything is bad. He accidentally becomes the emotional support author of the entire archive. Curze reads his fic secretly.
Corvus Corax
Corvus writes sparse devastating liberation angst. His fic is about prisoners, rebels, ghosts, cities at night and characters learning that escape is not the same as freedom.
His tags: Revolution, Trauma Recovery, Poetry, Bird Symbolism, Quiet Yearning, No Kings
He deletes chapters randomly because he decides they were too revealing and so readers have learned to download immediately. His slow burn is unbearable because the characters express love by trusting each other with an exit route.
Alpharius Omegon
Nobody knows which fic is Alpharius’ because there are hundreds of them. Some are very good, others are suspiciously bad on purpose and some update before events happen.
The tags: Identity Porn, Mistaken Identity, Secret Twins, Unreliable Narrator, Gaslighting But Make It Plot, Trust No One Including The Author
Every chapter contradicts the previous chapter but somehow the emotional arc works. The final chapter reveals nothing.
The Emperor
The Big E writes a fix-it fic and it’s unreadable because every character is moved around like a chess piece “for the greater good,” nobody communicates, all emotional problems are solved by destiny and the author clearly believes the plot makes perfect sense if you simply trust the vision.
The tags: Fix-It, Golden Path, Humanity Ascendant, No Beta We Conquer The Stars
The comments are brutal.
“Why didn’t he just talk to his sons?”
The Emperor doesn't reply.
“An excellent question.” Malcador replies from a burner account:
Can you do the Primarchs getting groceries, if you haven't done that already.
Primarchs grocery shopping
Lion El’Jonson
The Lion enters the grocery store like he is entering disputed territory. He walks the aisles silently memorizing camera positions, staff rotations, exits, blind spots and which freezer doors squeak.
He buys exactly what is on the list but nobody sees him put it in the cart, items simply appear. Dorn asks where he found the discounted flour and the Lion answers “behind the lie.”
He distrusts the selfcheckout, when the machine says unexpected item in bagging area, he leans close and whispers: “expected by whom?” The machine stops arguing. Later someone finds he also bought a pack of those tiny chocolate biscuits shaped like animals but he denies knowledge of them.
Fulgrim
Fulgrim doesn’t do grocery shopping, he curates. He begins in produce inspecting fruits like a jeweler appraising gems and selects grapes based on color harmony, he also arranges everything in the cart so the bags don’t bruise the composition.
He buys imported sparkling water, fresh herbs, expensive chocolate, a little pastry, olives, figs and a jar of something preserved in oil that no one can identify but everyone is afraid to question.
“Where is the actual food?” Ferrus looks into the cart and asks.
Fulgrim is offended.
He also judges everyone else’s cart: “that cereal box is visually violent.” Ferrus puts two in the cart.
Perturabo
Perturabo arrives with a list, a calculator and contempt. He compares unit prices with grim intensity and knows exactly which brands are overcharging, which packaging is inefficient and which products have reduced their quantity while pretending the price has stayed stable.
He doesn’t shop by aisle but by campaign objective. Nothing decorative or with a cartoon mascot unless it is statistically the best value. He buys in bulk aggressively. One bag of rice? Pathetic. He buys a sack large enough to stabilize a border province.
Guilliman says they don’t need that much canned food.
“Need is what incompetents discover too late.” Perturabo replies.
Jaghatai
Jaghatai hates the supermarket because it’s a building designed to slow people down. He wants to get in, get food and get out but unfortunately he is highly vulnerable to anything portable, spicy, grilled, dried, smoked and travel-friendly.
He refuses to use a large cart because a basket is faster and when the basket gets too heavy he simply carries it like it has offended him. He finds the shortest checkout line by instinct alone. He is also the first one done and also the one who forgot half the list.
Russ
Russ arrives hungry. He buys meat, more meat, smoked meat, frozen meat and a rotisserie chicken he eats before checkout, also bread but only because meat needs a platform. He sees a family size bag of chips and says it’s for the pack. There are 17 family-size bags by the end.
He loves the sample stations and treats them like diplomatic envoys. A sweet old lady gives him a tiny cube of cheese on a toothpick and he accepts it with the gravity of a warrior receiving tribute.
At some point he challenges himself to carry all the bags in one trip. He succeeds but the bags don’t.
Dorn
He has a list organized by aisle and reusable bags folded by capacity. Heavy items first, fragile items last. Cold goods collected near the end, no backtracking and absolutely no impulse buying.
He checks expiration dates and packaging integrity. He enjoys the process but also believes joy shouldn’t interfere with logistics. He is extremely good at grocery shopping and deeply boring about it.
When someone tries to sneak candy into the cart he says “Not on the list.” Sanguinius looks at him… the candy stays.
Konrad Curze
Curze moves through the supermarket like a bad omen in pajama pants. He knows which cashier is stealing, which customer is lying about coupons and which freezer will fail next Tuesday.
He buys black coffee, knives, expired discount meat and one extremely sugary cereal because the mascot amused him. He studies the security cameras and blind spots because knowing is soothing.
He stands behind people in line silently until they remember every bad thing they have ever done. The self checkout refuses to scan his item and he smiles…. suddenly it scans.
Sanguinius
Sanguinius makes grocery shopping look like a pastoral painting. He is polite to everyone, he lets people pass, compliments the bakery worker, a child waves at him from a cart and he waves back. The entire produce section seems calmer while he is there.
His cart is balanced: fresh fruit, vegetables, bread, fish, tea, yogurt, good chocolate and flowers. He always buys flowers because someone should.
He gently convinces Dorn that morale snacks are necessary and stops Russ from buying twelve whole chickens by placing one hand on his arm. At checkout the cashier gives him a discount nobody else knew existed.
Ferrus
Ferrus treats grocery shopping as material acquisition. Food is fuel and packaging is either strong or insulting. He buys protein, coffee, oats, eggs, dense bread and whatever vegetables are hardest to accidentally crush. He has no patience for delicate berries.
Fulgrim suggests a luxury cheese and Ferrus buys the plainest block of cheddar available.
“This one has purpose.”
No cheese deserves this burden.
Angron
Angron grocery shopping is a hostage situation for everyone’s nerves. The lights are too bright, the aisles are too narrow and people leave carts in the middle. Someone is blocking the meat section while reading every label, Angron stands behind them breathing and they move immediately.
He doesn’t like choosing between brands, he wants food, not a philosophical crisis about pasta sauce. He buys meat, potatoes, eggs, coffee and whatever food can be eaten without ceremony. Protein bars are acceptable because they require no emotional investment.
At checkout the machine says please wait for assistance.
“I have waited enough.”
They use a human cashier.
Guilliman
Guilliman makes grocery shopping efficient but unbearable. He has the master list, the meal plan for the week and estimated costs. He can feed twenty people, stay under budget, minimize waste and still include morale snacks.
He knows that grocery shopping is not merely shopping but a supply chain management at household scale. He prevents Russ from buying only meat, Fulgrim from buying only expensive decorative food and Perturabo from stockpiling enough to survive planetary siege. He is also the only one who remembers cleaning products, paper towels, salt and the fact that they are nearly out of dish soap.
His one weakness is loyalty cards, he has every app, every coupon. At checkout, the total drops by 22%. The final cart is balanced, cost effective and nutritionally sound.
Mortarion
Mortarion hates supermarkets, it’s has too many sealed packages pretending to contain life. He distrusts food that looks too clean and glares at polished apples, he judges produce by dirt content, if the carrots still have soil on them he approves.
He avoids the bakery because it smells sweet and false and spends too long in the cleaning aisle reading warning labels with approval. He buys root vegetables, bitter greens, vinegar, dark bread and something fermented.
“That jar is alive.” Fulgrim is scandalized.
“So are you but barely.” Mortarion answers back.
Magnus the Red
Magnus gets distracted by labels. He can’t simply buy something, he must examine its history, ritual uses and metaphysical implications. He likes spice aisles, tea shelves, imported foods, strange grains and anything with a label in a language he can over explain.
He buys exotic spices, too much tea and a magazine about astronomy from the checkout lane. He also buys starfruit for symbolic reasons and pomegranates because he cannot resist mythological fruit.
“That’s expensive.” Guilliman says.
“So is ignorance.” Magnus replies.
He also tries to use a coupon that expired three years ago because ‘time is interpretive’ but the cashier disagrees.
Horus
Horus makes grocery shopping social. He chats with employees, compliments the bakery and gets Fulgrim to accept cheaper grapes by making it sound like a noble sacrifice. By the time they reach checkout the manager has opened a lane just for him.
He also gets everyone to agree to a shared dinner.
“One meal, brothers, we each bring something to the table.”
It sounds wholesome but it’s also how he gets everyone to buy exactly what he wants.
Guilliman notices and Horus smiles. Guilliman doesn’t like when charm and logistics overlap.
Lorgar
Lorgar turns grocery shopping into a meditation on human dependency. The bread aisle moves him.
“Grain gathered, ground, baked and shared. Civilization begins again in every loaf.”
“Please pick one.” Guilliman says.
Lorgar picks three.
He loves communal foods: bread, soup ingredients, rice, lentils, tea, fruit, anything that suggests gathering around a table. He reads labels like scripture and gets emotional about family owned brands.
He writes little blessings on the shopping list. Angron tears one off and uses it as a coupon by accident and it works. Lorgar takes this as a sign… this is how the store loyalty program becomes theological.
Vulkan
He remembers everyone’s preferences and buys extra snacks because someone will need comfort later. He chooses ingredients for a big warm meal, checks if the fruit is ripe, insists on getting enough water and picks up the fallen display Russ destroyed.
He also finds damaged discounted produce.
“Still good, it’s just bruised.”
Sanguinius smiles sadly.
“Sentimental.” Curze mutters.
Vulkan buys the bruised apples anyway and makes pie. Everyone eats it, even Curze.
By the time he leaves, three employees know him, two children have waved at him and one elderly shopper has told him he is a nice young man. He is not young but he is very pleased anyway.
Corvus Corax
Corvus shops like a cryptid, he appears in quiet aisles and avoids crowded sections. He buys black coffee, rice, oats, fruit and one extremely dark chocolate bar.
He hates the fluorescent lights and keeps muttering that no one should be seen that clearly.
He prefers self-checkout because it requires less social interaction but unfortunately the machine betrays him.
‘Please place item in bagging area.’
He already did, the machine repeats itself. A nearby employee hurries over, suddenly unsure why the air feels so tense. Corax thanks them quietly and leaves without a sound.
Alpharius Omegon
Alpharius is banned from handling the grocery list. Every time someone checks it the list has changed. Bread becomes ‘bread?’, milk becomes ‘evidence’ and eggs becomes ‘twelve decoys’.
The cart contains items nobody chose: canned peaches, batteries, a birthday candle shaped like the number 7 and a second receipt from a store across town.
In the end nobody remembers buying mayonnaise but there are nine jars in the bag.
