You want to know why I am so “Picky”?
This is an open letter to all those friends who continuously ask me why I’m so “picky”.
First off, I get it. I know that you’re not trying to be insulting. I’ve been single for 18 years, and there is no one that I see myself with. You see that I’m lonely, and you are concerned. I get it. But for someone like me, I’d rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t fit my standards. So thank you for offering to set me up with your friends (on numerous occasions. Really thank you), but I’m really ok. I just don’t settle.
That’s a pretty well known fact about me. It’s not that I’m stubborn or that I hate men or anything like that. I just don’t settle. When you grow up watching relationships around you failing, you start to pick up on why. You learn exactly what you don’t want to happen before the situation is even prevented. So I have this really bad habit of friendzoning people before the possibility of being something more has even risen to the surface.
I tend to live in this in between where I never know what could’ve been. But at least I don’t loose them. We stay in that blurred area where maybe we’re flirting but maybe we’re just being good friends. I don’t know, and I’d rather not. Not if it means losing them. Because when I like someone it becomes more than just a crush. I become so invested in them. They become a priority to me. I don’t just think they’re cute, I want to really get to know them. I want to be a part of their life. I want to go to their shows, or see their games. I wanna be friends with their siblings. I like finding out the little quirks about them; like what their favorite song means to them or an embarrassing memory from their childhood. I want them to trust me.
I’ve always been good at making friends with boys, but I’ve never been good at finding a boyfriend. It’s because I’m “picky”, which is really just code for being scared out of my mind.
They say you date a boy like your father. Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad, but that scares the crap out of me. For all the good there is in him, there’s just as much bad. My dad has suffered with alcoholism my entire life. We have really open communication about it, and it’s made me a really loyal and empathetic person to all types of situations. But it also did some damage to me in the long run. Damage that I don’t always talk about, and that makes me so scared to fall in love.
The emotions in my house would be so up and down depending on the night. Some days we were the happiest family in the world, and the others I went to bed crying. Never because of abuse, it wasn’t anything like that. But watching someone you love waste away like that is just as painful. Then there were the really bad days. The times where he would try to get sober and he would just be in these really pissy moods. You stayed out of the way, because if you didn’t then he might spit out something that you know he didn’t mean. The conversations were like walking on egg-shells for a few days, but sometimes it all worked out and it was worth it.
Other times, not so much.
Do you know what it’s like to feel worth less than an object? Because there were a few days in my life where I felt worth less than a bottle. When he would try to get sober, my mom would take all of the liquor out of the house, which usually helped. My dad only got sober if he wanted to, and it was always for us. But it’s not always easy, and sometimes it would result in him throwing a tantrum and leaving to get booze somewhere else. That left a little girl alone on the couch wondering if she was worth less than a bottle. He promised to get sober for her, but that seemed to not be enough.
Once I got older I realized that it wasn’t that simple. My father does love me, but that addiction is a disease. I began to understand and I was always forgiving. I knew that he was trying. I also know that alcohol is what ruined my parents marriage. They worked so hard to make it work, but it just got to be too much. Something always gets to be too much. That’s what I watched happen every day. It seems like there are more marriages that end in divorce than ones that stay successful.
I believe that love does exist, and there is someone out there for me. I just know that it is going to take a while for me to find him, because he isn’t just going to be anyone. I watch so many girls go out with just anyone, and they always end up getting hurt. I promised myself that I would never again feel like I am worth less than what I deserve. That’s why I’m so “picky”.
I know that I come with a lot of baggage, and that it is going to take someone very specific to understand. I don’t want to put myself through a bunch of relationships to find the right person. That’s why I tend to overthink it. Putting this potential person through every circumstance in my mind before even considering liking them. Because a relationship wouldn’t just affect me. It would effect them too, and I know asking someone to accept all my baggage isn’t an easy task.
But I know so many other things too. I know that I am loyal. I know that I am kind. I know that I have a big heart. I know the importance of communication. I know how to take care of someone. I know how to make someone laugh on days when they want to cry. I know when it is time to put someone’s needs over my own. I know that I am worthy of a good person. I know that I am smart. I know that I am willing to fight for someone.
I know how to love someone.
