A couple of months ago I wasn’t ok. I was struggling with every single part of my life. Nothing was how I wanted it. I was living in a world where I felt I had no control at all.
Ever felt like you are just on automatic pilot? You live your life but at the end of the day you feel like you had nothing ... You look bad on your day with the thought ‘well atleast I made it untill the end’.
It’s horrible. It just drains you. Every single bit of energy is gone.
These last months have been a true rollercoaster. My emotions were just uncontrollable. I felt lost, alone, empty ... Getting out of bed became harder every single day. I hated getting up, but I loved going to bed at 9. The world became quit, my head became quit. No more bad thoughts, just sleep.
I made a choice. Do I keep on going like this or do I take my life back into my own hands?
I chose the last one. I had to choose myself because if I didn’t I would keep on living a life that wasn’t even my own.
I had to leave people behind. And one of them was my (ex) boyfriend. Our relationship didn’t make me happy anymore. I will leave the reasons out of this. But I broke up with him. After 5 years. Hardest decision I ever had to make. But I realised that I was only still with him because I knew that breaking up would leave everyone sad and mad. I was scared to chose myself for once. And I know that sounds bad. But I would lie if I said that I wasn’t happy with my choice.
My parents hated my guts for a couple of weeks. I couldn’t talk to my mom without having her ball her eyes out. Now that truely breaks your heart. I started to question my choice. Did I really have the right to make everyone sad just because I didn’t feel happy?
But time has passed. And the weird thing is that everyone is starting to understand my choice. Is it still hard? Yes it is. But slowly, things are falling into place.
I now have my own little studio. And it feels good to be alone. My parents are more supportive and my friends are amazing, but at the end of the day YOU have to be your own hero. You are the one that has to pick yourself up and the end of a rough day.
During this all, I also lost a very good friendship. Things happen, and people make mistakes. So did I. But If you have a friendship that has lasted for 10 years, you would thing the other person would give you a chance to explain. But some people are just not like that. And that’s ok. People leave for a reason. And it actually feels good to be dramafree for once. So thank you, thank you for leaving me at my weakest. Because it actually made me stronger.
And it’s weird that people, who once were just a stranger, now become a part of your daily routine. People you never imagined yourself being with, now show you new parts of life. And it’s amazing.
I don’t really know why I decided to write this. I guess I just wanted to show all of you that you are in charge of your life. If you don’t like something, change it. Don’t like someone? Show them the door. Don’t let anyone else control your life. It’s a true cliché but we only have 1 life to live. Don’t have regrets.
annaxmalina
titsay
