it can totally seem like a lot! id like to start off just by saying it's totally valid and normal. even if it's been years it can still feel like a lot. it's normal to want to ignore it too, it's supposed to be a hidden disorder. also can feel like you're faking for the same reason, so that's alright. and feelings ≠ the actual brain gunk. no matter how you feel it's there, so it's okay to feel like shit over it and to be scared and worried. if it makes you feel any better, it's a childhood disorder, so that means it's always been there. now it just has a label, that's all, just a word (well actually three but okay--).
you could be constantly dissociating, that's also okay. it's a disassociative disorder so..--
1) it sounds stupid but journalling. journal symptoms and when you feel like faking go back through and see the backlog of data showing otherwise
(we usually do 'date, time: what's happening')
2) try to get to know an alter, just one alter. one that's willing to befriend you and won't do harm (not to say like, diss your other alters, but sometimes a slow start with a caregiver/protector is easier than with someone else).
3) try to set up times. if you have good enough communication that is haha. say "okay, we have a block of free time here, why don't i try to focus on the system some" and try to open up to let someone fronting
4) leave notes, leave instructions, leave whatever they might not know. if it's easier on them it'll be easier on you too
5) spend some time working on communication. we've done meditating just to get to that like, dissociating level to try and communicate and for our host at the time to try to talk with us. sometimes it works
if something doesn't work that doesn't mean it won't work forever and that doesn't mean you messed up. getting better is never just a straight line, there are always bumps
wishing you the best of luck and lots of care. you got this :]
