january 5th. the birthday of jonas jang. a day he hated. ever since jonas was a child, he hated his birthday. at a young age, his birthday was ruined by his parents, instead of presents, he just got disgusting words hurled at him, things you wouldn’t even think of telling a child. the boy was called selfish for even asking for a single present, an idiot to even think his parents would even bother with a party. now a grown man, the memories still plagued him, and got even worse when he found out he was adopted. jonas could only think about the amazing birthdays, the amazing life he could have had if he was actually wanted by his birth family.
it had also been a year since he contacted his brother, dujun. when jonas had first contacted him through email, he had hopes of meeting his birth family again, to get the love he longed for in his life. the email worked and dujun responded, with the siblings meeting shortly after. it ended awkwardly, with jonas practically kicking his brother out of his house in anger. he regretted it. he regretted it so much. his thoughts became worse from this point onwards, blaming himself for the fuck ups in his life, making jonas even more numb to any sort of emotion.
his phone screen brightens his face, jonas staring at the finished email to dujun. he wanted to try again, to fix things up with his brother. if he couldn’t get a present for his birthday, this would be good enough, right? hovering over the send button, jonas was hesitant, he was afraid of being ignored. he was afraid of the email not being good enough, if it would make up for the uncalled-for anger at his sibling, but he was desperate. with having no family or friends in his life, no one to help him out, no one to even have small talk with, it just made his need for some sort of love even worse. he reread the email, it read:
hi dujun, its jonas (or jiyong. whatever). a whole year since i emailed you, crazy, isn't it? how the year goes so fast. i remember the nerves i had just typing my last email, and i have the same nerves again. last time i was worried about if you even knew about my existence, or if i sent it to the wrong person. but now, im nervous about how you feel about me, if you even wanna talk to me. i understand if you don't... i was a dick. i realize that now. i’ve always found it hard to control myself, so meeting you was hard on me. the story you told about my adoption, was very hard on me. idk if that excuses my anger but... i’m sorry for all of it. it was embarrassing. but please know that..... it wont happen again, i just want to be on good terms with you. its all i’ve ever wanted. if that has to be our last memory of each other, i dont think i could live with it. living with the thought of fucking up our relationship, it would ruin me. if you don’t reply to this, its fine. i understand my actions, and how they affected you. hope the kids are doing fine.
it was rare jonas ever wrote messages like this, messages this honest, but it seemed like the only way to get back in contact with his brother. he took a deep breath, tapping the send button. it felt like there were knots in his stomach, and the more he thought about what he sent, the knots got tighter and tighter. but he couldn’t do anything, the message was sent. all he could do was sleep and hope he got a reply in the morning. he laid his head on his pillow, eyes closing. happy birthday, jiyong.
