My kidney is watching you...

My brain is operated by a centipede who's fed up with life.

[famine-pulse]

I will only date people who are so stupid they can hardly function. If I don’t feel like I’m trying to hammer out a merger with K-mart whilst we’re having sex then I’m not interested. I need a man who makes me doubt his capabilities at every turn. I need a man who doesn’t understand cause and effect.

[famine-pulse]

*smiles seductively as I playfully twirl my pubes around my finger*

[famine-pulse]

Why do you let your brain boss your other organs around? You just let that meat chunk tell a bunch of tubes and tendons what to do and that makes me sick.

[famine-pulse]

Imagine if farts were your poop's last breath before dying.

[famine-pulse]

Why is my glass of water sweating? What is it so nervous about?

[mandolin-crow]

Based on a picture of Dimitar Madzharov, a Bulgarian commander in the Balkan Wars, c.1913. I think this may be the first picture I’ve ever done in only paint.

[famine-pulse]

A perfect date

He entered my house through a window in the back and took me by surprise with a 13” blade which he then pressed against my windpipe. “Your skin feels like firm bladder wall” I whisper lewdly, with the underdeveloped arm of my partially absorbed twin on my back reaching up to caress the tip of his chin.

He then screamed and passed out, so I dragged his body into my basement and proceeded to test his blood pressure levels and cried at the results. He woke up 10 minutes later and called me pet names like “psycho bitch” and ran up the stairs so quickly he lost balance, tumbled down, and seized on my floor for a bit.

He’s been there a few days, waiting for him to wake up for our second date.

[famine-pulse]

I may not listen, but at least I

[famine-pulse]

Girls really like it when a guy swallows her tongue

Suction it into your mouth so your teeth can get a good firm clamp on her tongue, then start shaking like a feral animal until it severs, then swallow it whole.  Am I right, ladies?

[famine-pulse]

How many limbs would you cut off to look like this?

[famine-pulse]

Imagine if you pooped little oil paintings of everything you ate.

[famine-pulse]

Would you want this super power?

All of your pores have really thin, 10" tongues that spread from your skin. They can taste other people's thoughts and feelings. You can also choose to only reveal the power to one person so everyone thinks they have totally lost their mind when they talk about the horrors of "the tongue person."

[famine-pulse]

barking

If dogs' barks came out as small lifeforms that crawl to the ceiling to take up permanent residence, forever echoing the bark, would you still get a dog?

[famine-pulse]

I can feel any of my body parts when I concentrate hard enough, but I can't feel my eyelids caressing my eyes when I blink and that keeps me up at night.

[famine-pulse]

I would play with your hair by poking thin holes into the walls and prodding the tips through so it looks like the wall is trying to drink you in vain.

[famine-pulse]

I just want some mouthfuls of the Bulgarian coast

All I want is to just grind my slowly thinning tooth enamel into Slavic lands. I want each grain to descend into my gum pockets and inspire a frothy infection that I can fill cups with and serve to random people at diners. However, my mom doesn't think it's a realistic life goal and thinks I should become medical coding and billing specialist instead.

[famine-pulse]

Would you buy a house like this for $5,000?

500x500 feet

No plumbing

Located under the sea, but the house grows legs during emergencies to run away from the sea.

I'm told it slowly gains sentience and begins to take classes at the local community college to better itself.