Fancy Cheese, Cheap People

Like many pseudo-bourgeois kind-of white people, we enjoy cheese.  A lot.  And like many people, we know nothing about it.  So we dig around the discount $5 cheese bins at local grocery stores and try cheeses that sound interesting.  This is our epic journey.

[fancycheesecheappeople]

Ewephoria Sheep Gouda:

The first taste of this cheese is fantastic.  I mean, great and rich and creamy.  Kristen thinks it’s a little sweet. Then…before you swallow, the flavor shifts from good into dirty sock territory.  It’s like two seconds of bliss followed by five seconds of actual shit in your mouth.  Putting this on a cracker kind of mitigates the bad a little, but it also cuts on how good the original taste is.  Someone probably likes this, but it’s not for me.  If it tasted bad for a moment, then ended on good, maybe.  But like this?  No.  We had to go back to the Welsh Cheddar to knock the taste of this out of our mouths.

[fancycheesecheappeople]

Welsh Cheddar

Very sharp, with a subtle hint of sweetness.  It has some crystals in it, which adds some interesting slight crunch to the texture.  Kristen likes the sweetness.  I dig the sharpness.  It’s pretty decent on a cracker, but you might want to eat this one all by itself.  We sampled this just as Hillary Clinton stepped on stage to deliver her speech at the DNC, so this is really peak liberal whiteness.  But what can I say?  Welsh Cheddar pairs well with liberal guilt.

[fancycheesecheappeople]

Fiscalina Cheddar: 

 Smooth, with a very creamy texture.  Kristen thinks it tastes a little green and grassy.  It’s pretty mellow.  I prefer a sharper taste.  But this is pretty nice cheese all in all.   The creaminess makes it a good pair for a cracker.

[fancycheesecheappeople]

Jarlsberg Lite: 

This cheese name sounds like a cheap foreign beer.  And it tastes even worse.  The $5 bin at Ralph’s had tons of this sitting around so we picked it up. It was immediately clear why no one was buying this.  Jarlsberg Lite has a rubbery texture and a slightly sour taste.  Maybe a little nutty after taste, if you’re being generous.  We put it on a cracker to see if it could salvage the taste.  It was a waste of the (gluten-free) cracker.