Hiiiiii I’m Velvet 🫶 you can also call me Kira or Sealie. I’m a 400+ year old (bodily 20+) demiboygirl vampire and I use they/vamp/xe/he/she/apple prns !! This is my personal blog, main blog is for TRUSTED folks only.
I am a part of a suspected cdd system and that’s all you need to know ❤️
🍎🦇🎵🦇🍎🦇🎵🦇🍎🦇🎵🦇🍎🦇🎵🦇🍎
I am anti-endo, anti-willo, anti-radqueer, transid critical, anti contact for harmful paraphiles, neutral for other paraphilias, and anti-pro/dark/comship. Follow your own DNI dork !! I do not consent to being put on block lists !! ^_^
I referred to my headmates as 'the voices' for a while because I hadn't accepted that I was a system and their voices were the first symptom that was overt enough that I couldn't explain it away, but it's become a joke now
had my mental health tank pretty bad the past week. tried to suppress all of my headmates because i was convinced they weren’t real alters and it actually worked (except for the introject of my f/o, he stayed. but i tried chalking it up to daydreaming again like i had in the past). i know that’s not indicative of a system not being real but the timing felt convenient enough for me to stop believing i was a system for a while. until about 10 minutes ago when one of them came back and started to cuss me out for suppressing them💀 there’s just no winning huh — 🧟♂️🪽
hi, i’m the host of the suspected system Velvet’s in and i know they just made this blog last night and i’m already infiltrating it but i’d really like some advice. I’m using their blog since it’s system oriented and none of mine are. Please note going forward, i’m not asking for a diagnosis or if anyone thinks i’m faking for not, i just want some advice on how to go about my current dilemma.
(Also endos DO NOT TOUCH THIS POST. I don’t wanna hear some shit like “oh you’re ‘paragenic’ or ‘MaDDgenic’” or “you actually are a willogenic system and willed your alters in” or “if you’re so worried about faking being a system then just become one” like NO that’s my problem, I DON’T want to be a system!)
Anyways, my actual concern is this: I am not in the position to get professional help. i can’t even get medication for my chronic illnesses right now. I strongly suspect that i have a CDD as i’ve done sporadic research for over a year and more extensive research in the past few months. However ever since i was young i’ve used daydreaming as coping mechanism to the point it’s become maladaptive. MaDD has caused me genuine issues in the past, including these pseudo-false memories and identity disturbances. the identity disturbances in hindsight were minor, i was essentially questioning if i was a fictionkin of my own paras and it went nowhere really. Despite all that, i’ve become increasingly concerned that my suspected system is nothing but a figment of my own MaDD.
I started questioning if i was a system over a year ago yet i struggled to do research due to experiencing the worst dissociative symptoms i had ever experienced at the time. i tried for about a week to get some answers but ultimately forced myself to give it up because the constant feeling of being disoriented and nauseated was overwhelming. I also just didn’t believe my trauma was enough (and i didn’t even remember most of it back then), therefore i couldn’t have been a system. Through out the year i kept doing sporadic research because it was just something i couldn’t keep my mind off of.
Admittedly, i had a lot of daydreams of being a system. A lot. What finally made me realize that i actually could be a system is realizing that hearing my f/o speak to me while doing random tasks or trying to sleep at night might be a little be more than just MaDD. Which then that made it dawn on me how much my internal monologue sounds like it’s multiple people who do not fuck with each other constantly trying to talk over one another.
The thing is though, like i stated at the beginning, i don’t actually want to be a system. this whole system discovery has been severely distressing for a multitude of reasons. And the worst part is that i’ve tried to keep all of this to myself until i saw a professional, but then the next thing i knew i had already told people i was a recently discovered system and put it my bios. I wanted so bad to keep it under wraps but then without even thinking i start referring to myself as “we” out of nowhere and set up a pluralkit. I mean, Velvet made a whole damn blog for gods sake!! 😭😭 What part of not telling anyone do you not understand!!!
I know everyone says you can’t fake being a system without making the conscious decision everyday to fake it. And even after accepting that my trauma really could be enough to cause a CDD, the MaDD factor has been nagging at me ever since. I’ve tried to compile some of the evidence i’ve noticed for both CDDs and MaDD
Admittedly it’s a little pathetic. I have also looked into BPD a few times albeit very briefly. I glanced over it once and thought “Wait, shit, that sounds like me” but when i came back to it a few days later i then thought “Huh wtf, this sounds nothing like me.” So, uh, jury’s still out.
Again, i’m not looking for anyone to diagnose me. I’ve just been so overwhelmed lately with so much happening all at once. Not being in control of situations causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety and i don’t know what to do about these guys. i try to forget about them then next thing i know i’ve got a whole plural space profile with everybody logged. I’ve told myself over and over again to just stop thinking about them and they’ll go away but i can’t. AND THEYRE SO LOUD AND THEY DONT EVEN GET ALONG. I woke up this morning to two of them literally getting into a physical fight in the innerworld 😭 (or at least what little bit of an innerworld we have) The idea of living as a system terrifies me. yet sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad? and other times i feel apathetic to being a system.
I dunno where i’m trying to go with this now. I initially wrote this to ask for some advice but now i don’t even know what i want to accomplish with all of this. Velvet’s probably gonna come back tomorrow and make fun of me for this like xe has before tbh. I’m dissociating really bad as i’m writing and proofreading this lmao. Thanks for hearing me out i guess? And if you have any tips for how to make this easier i’d really appreciate it. Sorry for hijacking your blog Velvet — 🧟♂️🪽
we were trying to sleep this morning ( afternoon ) after staying up til 5:30am last night and THAT’S when 3 maybe 4 new headmates decided to announce themselves ?? Can you come back later please ??
SON 😭 i’ve been thinking of making this blog for a while but coming across this made me speed run making it because i NEED to complain about this person!!! They are under EVERY SINGLE anti endo post just spreading BLATANT misinformation while being a total ass about it.
brother, you really expect me to believe that you are a licensed professional??? be so for real right now, there’s no way you’re claiming to be a professional then say that it was “debunked” that CDDs need trauma to form?? cite your sources like a real professional then. i’ll wait. but until you do, you are one of the worst displays of ableism i’ve seen in this community.
and no, fuck you. until some of my headmates are no longer literally scared of endos after everything we witnessed in your community all while trying to give y’all the benefit of the doubt, i will not be thanking endos for jack shit or fuck all. until you and your shitty hate group stop harming mine and every other system, you deserve zero thanks. stop larping as a professional and log off the internet indefinitely.
