Goodbye.

ind. dazai (bsd) run by jay - est 10.20

[loweringstorm]

quietly concealed inside of you,

      it twists like coiling around you;

                                   what’s the true form of this unnatural feeling?

                    you were immersed in self-satisfaction -

      so much you could catch fire, and later you were empty.

                         the lingering afterimage is chaotic.

independent & semi - selective 

dazai osamu  ─  nakahara chuuya

[farcicaleccentric]

what makes you think that you're fit to play with the lives of others? certainly, fault lies in those that allow themselves to be manipulated, but the heavy hands of the puppetmaster carry just as much, don't you think?

“You’re acting like I don’t know the people I manipulate deserve better than to be pawns in my games,” he responds easily, this question non-effective. There’s always guilt present, but he’s sure of what he’s doing. He’s trying to manipulate things to be resolved positively, so even if the end result is the hatred he deserves, at least it will be hatred from people who are safe. “I’m keeping them safe, I’m good at moving my pawns correctly and, at this point, they move themselves correctly too. That’s the entire point.”

“They’re occasionally hurt, but they’ll make it through. They know what to do by now.”

[farcicaleccentric]

why is it that you feel the need to terrorize those that you hold dear? is it because you're afraid to show them kindness? or because you're afraid of the kindness they'll show you?

It must be a bad night if he’s being this haunted. Most nights are easy to shove aside thoughts he’s had since he was young, but ever time he shoves a thought away tonight, another replaces it. Who does he even hold dear? Who is he willing to admit to caring for so dearly? He hates that he can come up with a long list. He sickens himself.

The dark feelings in his chest really never will go away, will they?

I don’t deserve the kindness they’d show me if I allowed them to.

It’s an easy answer to a painful question. Not even Odasaku could leave him with words promising him that he’d ever feel better. There’s only darkness and these horrible questions in his future. He feels ill. Nobody deserves to have to deal with this. 

He is his own burden to bear, no matter how much he craves. No amount of help could possibly fight his mind’s refusal to not feel GUILT when he receives any. It just consumes him. Maybe, maybe he’ll let one of his fears destroy him someday. He’ll let the right wrong woman take his hand and they’ll lead each other to the lowest of hells.

Reaching for a bottle of the nearest alcohol, purchased due to being the cheapest, strongest shit he could find, he pours himself a glass as the questions eat away at his chest. 

Atsushi seemed fooled unlike anyone else and Dazai had let himself momentarily be caught up in the strange euphoria and confusion of trust. He is looked up to, despite everything he is. He once made it look as though he hated or looked down on the others who were close to him, only allowing certain people under his skin at all. Odasaku was special, he saw beyond the jokes, even if it was far too late to change anything. 

But even the man who currently trusted him the deepest hated him, wished he would die despite needing him to survive, so he’s sure even Atsushi’s trust will likely fade into something bitter and jaded. He uses Atsushi so similarly to how he and Chuuya were used, after all, how could he not create a dark, jaded monster? He only hurts, he’s a stepping stone in character development. Once a person can remove themself from his grip, they’re better for it. He serves his purpose to be claws that dig into someone’s sides so they’re protected from anyone who might try worse things when they free themselves.

I’m barely human enough to want to be loved. I’m too much of a coward to face what I might receive if I was kind. I’m too much like HIM, all I know is hate and manipulation.

What kind of creature would he have to be to ask for forgiveness for all he’s done? Could he ever think he was worth the time it would take for him to explain why things happened the way they did? Any time he comes close to wanting to, he isn’t able to.

                                I’m afraid of everything.

What if I’ve ruined everything? What if I never deserved happiness? What if that’s why I’m so broken and distrusting? What if I was created to suffer? Children hurt and they’re tended to, I was hurt and left to die. Even those not convinced they’re human are better at pretending than I am, with no excuse. What am I going to do? Beg? I’m too afraid. I’m a tool for other people, even when I’m the one operating on their part, that just means I have to discard myself at the end of the day too. I was taught how to be and taught to not trust asking for help.

Who listens? Who listens to a child who can’t manage to cry? A child who would allow any harm to come to them? Who listens to that child when they’re older? When they haven’t grown up? When they’re still incapable of crying over that same hurt?

He’s tired. He needs to change his bandages anyways, if he makes it through the night.

It’s such a shame, he always does. He always wakes up so crushingly lonely. He’s disgustingly selfish. That selfish heart of his wishes someone could read his mind, wrap their arms around him, refuse to let him push them away, burn with him. 

He wishes he could cry out for the help he knows will never come.

[farcicaleccentric]

at what point does a damaged heart simply break? i thought i'd ask someone with experience.

“You’ve been misled, I don’t have a heart yet, I just borrowed it from a dying man.”

[farcicaleccentric]

do you, by chance, think about how the lives of those around you might prosper without your presence in them? i would call you a catalyst of chaos, but that seems too kind.

Persistent thoughts that he can’t shake, he’s familiar with this question. It’s impossible to not shove from his mind whenever it decides to show up, but he’s gotten better at ignoring it over the years. Every time it rears its ugly head now he demands to know:

                   Why? Why do you think I try so frequently to take my own life?                                       Do you think it’s just a game for me?                             Every method hurts so terribly but I keep trying.                 A creature like me brings nothing but sadness to those around me.                                             Of course I want to be gone.                                                    But I was told to try.                                                            So I’ll try.                                                          But it hurts.                  Oh, it hurts and I don’t deserve to force people to hurt with me.

                              I’m not chaos, I’m just shameful.

Then he proceeds to hide away behind a complaint of boredom or a too-big smile as he shoves more at the people who would do better to be without him.

[farcicaleccentric]

‘ there’s only so much that can be done to repair old damage. ’ | from Yosano!

“Well, if the good doctor knows we’re both lost cases, maybe she can tell her least favorite patient what exactly there is to be done about that old damage. A prescription reason to drink away the damage then a nice swim in the river would take away so much drama for everyone else!” Suicide joke taken care of, Dazai moves to lean against his hand as he sits at his desk far too late in the night, the topic’s weight settling on even him because of the destructive power one singular man has on both of their minds, carving wounds even deeper and cutting out his own.

Even before then, the both of them had nails in their chests, of that, Dazai is certain. Bad things continuously to happen to certain people -- very few of those people are ever saved like the two of them were.

“I’ve never been one to try to repair the damage,” he says, tapping a finger against his cheek as he continues to lean, expression melancholy. He makes no move to dodge the topic or change paths. “It all gets sucked away in the end. Who remembers what caused each of their old wounds enough to know where to begin?”

[farcicaleccentric]

were odasaku to see you now, what do you think he'd say? or rather, do you think he could stand to look at you?

“If Odasaku could see me now...” Dazai occasionally wondered if Oda’s refusal to not be a guardian would cause him to be able to watch over him from whatever afterlife the world was cursed with, they were stupid thoughts, but they always led him to visiting his friend. The question of “Do you think he could stand to look at you?” barely registers, stupid as it is, but the first part does ring loudly in his mind as he ponders.

His manipulation certainly hasn’t stopped, dancing Akutagawa and Atsushi around each other to see how long it would take for them to stick in some form of a partnership, but it had actively good intentions for the most part. He’s always cared for Akutagawa deeply, he was his favorite subordinate and every step forward the boy took was something that made the heart in his chest swell up with pride, no matter how he was incapable of showing it properly. 

Certainly, haunting thoughts of being like the man who sculpted who he used to be crossed his mind, but, in the end, he doesn’t regret a moment of his partnership with Chuuya, as much as he loathes the evil that Mori is, so maybe being like him in the underhanded way of pairing of two strong, clashing personalities until they melded together into one, perfect unit... wouldn’t revile Odasaku if brought up, knowing that it was different now. It was for the betterment of the both of them. The injury he’d done to how one can get through to Akutagawa was done years ago and it was slowly being changed, so much so that Akutagawa and Atsushi had grown beyond where he could predict everything.

Above all else, Dazai is still alive and striving towards something that could mirror happiness every day. He owes his entire life to Odasaku and each of the members of the ADA. Dazai is somewhere he isn’t crushed by loneliness every waking moment. The void that eats at his chest every day is more manageable with a family around him and that, that’s something Odasaku wanted for him, he knows that.

                Plus! He’s helping orphans!

“He spoke into me in a way nobody else did, he’s seen how broken I’ve always been,” Dazai says easily. “I think he’d be proud, on some levels and unsurprised on all others. Funny thing to ask a person, what their dead friend would think of them.”

“Ne, do this to Chuuya too, he’s got plenty of them. Betcha only Ango knows their names at this point, though.”

[josukkes]

huh?

[farcicaleccentric]

if you'd tried harder, oda wouldn't have had to die.

There’s a small crack in Dazai’s masks at one of his only true weaknesses, his guilt over being just late enough to hold Odasaku in his arms as he died. Two entire years underground, struggling to find the will to stay alive left him a great deal of time to think, to come up with alternate scenarios where he did save the only man who managed to save himself from the hell that is the darkness they tread through. 

Every scenario ended in Oda’s suffering, be it his death or Dazai’s or the both of them, so he knew very well that any scenario of Odasaku’s life that included him would end the same. With pain. No matter what he did, S. Oda would be written on a gravestone for Dazai to haunt, praying the he was the only one bound to that grave. Dazai was certain, Odasaku cared too deeply about people for something like a successful suicide or the death of Mori to be useful to keep the man alive. 

Still, for the first time in his life, those months had him wondering what it would be like if he were willing to kill for vengeance before taking his own life. People don’t deserve the sweet release of death, Mori least of all, but the world was a dark place with a man so good at control walking the streets.

“I don’t think there’s a scenario where he lives happily while I’m there,” they’re cold, Dazai’s words, easily mistaken as unfeeling with how calculated they are. “If I exist in the scenario for him, he’ll suffer. I’m the pawn that made him easily located, his children the pawns able to make him easily controlled, his kindness the driving force of his usefulness. No scenario where I connect him directly to Mori’s vision would let him live the life he wanted.”

“Even if I could have protected him, I’m not sure he’d be willing to leave me there, alone, young, hurting for a better life, one he deserved.” A smile passes over his face, eyes blank and lifeless. “But you know that, don’t you?”

[farcicaleccentric]

or let my nails pierce your throat ♡

“Ah, ah, that might hurt a bit. I take back my promise of anything. ♡“

[farcicaleccentric]

can i choke you ♡

“With your slender fingers, angel, you can do anything you want to me. ♡”

[farcicaleccentric]

tag dump p2 - aka tag dump where ive momentarily given up on finding translated oda and ango quotes that i like!

[farcicaleccentric]

what is like, knowing that the reason you hate ango so much is because you're passing off the guilt of your own failure? not even death can save you from yourself.

“Well, this is a weird spam email.”

[farcicaleccentric]

ASK - @loweringstorm​

" I'm always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to kill you in my mind. "

Pouring a them both a glass of wine from a bottle stolen from Chuuya, his lips curl into a disgusting smile. If only he could be as easy to kill in reality as well. A death in another’s mind means nothing in the end, no matter how fervently and detailed they’ve imagined it. It’s never enough, he’s always still there.

A finger traces over the rim of his glass before reaching down to the neck, wrapping fingers around is before he raises it into the air, as if toasting the idea itself. Dazai would love to look down and see the other man’s hands wrapped around his throat, to feel the last struggling breath leave his lips. It feels like it should be obvious, what he’s imagining with those words echoing in his mind. The thoughts are almost enough for him to ask for it, to tell Chuuya to just do it already, even if it’ll mean his own death in the end. 

“You’re often the one who ends my life in my dreams,” said simply, with a poison on his tongue meant entirely for himself, but if it burns Chuuya on the way down, what a pleasant bonus. His words are half a lie, the loneliness and his own hand are always how his life ends, even in dreams. “But those threats are empty until the day you decide you’re ready to die with me, delayed reaction or not.”

[spctlessminds]

this ask meme is based on the blog gravesuggestion.  i’ve divided it up into two categories  ( light  &  dark )  based on the themes.  some of these can be somewhat triggering seeing that the darker ones deal with a lot of death mentions.  please be cautious before continuing on!!

L I G H T

‘  at night i dream of you.  ’ ‘  don’t give up yet.  you still have time to fix things.  ’ ‘  falling in love with someone else is not a personal attack.  ’ ‘  i am still so weak when it comes to you.  ’ ‘  i can’t believe i let myself let you down.  ’ ‘  i don’t care where we go when we die,  as long as i’m with you.  ’ ‘  i dream of saying to you all the words i held inside until it was too late.  ’ ‘  i feel so warm  &  safe when you talk to me.  maybe i could love you if you’d let me.  ’ ‘  i finally let the right people in  &  i have never felt so loved.  ’ ‘  i like the way your nails paint red stripes along my spine days after you’re gone.  ’ ‘  i lived in your permafrost for twenty years  &  then you looked at me  &  i felt the warmth of spring.  ’ ‘  i once wished you’d leave me alone,  but i take it back.  ’ ‘  i want to be able to love someone else,  but you stretch your arms  &  spread your legs inside my heart so that there is no room for anyone or anything else.  ’ ‘  i want to believe that we got it right this time.  ’ ‘  i wonder how much longer i can cling to your light before it expires completely.  ’ ‘  i would travel across the world to be by your side,  because as long as you are with me,  anywhere is a perfect place to me.  ’ ‘  it took me awhile to realize it myself,  but you are not what other people say you are.  ’ ‘  it’s not that i really need you,  but life would be pretty boring without you around.  there’s no one i would rather be with.  ’ ‘  i’d like to stay like this for awhile.  ’ ‘  life  &  death don’t have to be so boring,  let’s make both an adventure.  ’ ‘  life imitates art,  they say.  i didn’t believe it until i started to notice the way your eyelashes look so much like tiny ink stroke.  ’ ‘  live your life so that when you die,  souls will come for miles just to hear your historic tales.  ’ ‘  make your exes jealous  &  your past self proud.  ’ ‘  maybe you’re what i needed to find in order to move on.  ’ ‘  never get caught falling harder.  they’ll never let you back up.  ’ ‘  please don’t go.  ’ ‘  some days it’s easier to just stop fighting it  &  succumb.  ’ ‘  sometimes,  you’ll find it hard to keep going,  but you always will.  ’ ‘  the desire i feel for you is that same itching,  insidious hunger that an addict has for their addiction.  ’ ‘  the worst thing about you is that you weren’t all bad.  ’ ‘  there is absolutely nothing  &  no one who can stop me.  ’ ‘  there is no route of losing you that is without pain.  ’ ‘  there’s still room for adventure  &  there is no one i’d rather have by my side.  ’ ‘  things didn’t turn out the way i planned,  but i’m alright with that.  ’ ‘  we could be really incredible together,  you know?  ’ ‘  you are beautiful  &  vibrant  &  confident.  you are light  &  laughter incarnate  &  every fiber of your being screams freedom  &  joy.  when i am with you,  i am truly happy.  ’ ‘  you are starlight incarnate,  from the grand way you sway your hips to the wide mysterious way you think.  blessed are any to be loved by you.  ’ ‘  you are too afraid of the future to let go of a past that was never kind to you.  ’ ‘  you call me yours  &  i have no idea what that even means to you.  ’ ‘  you remind me of bubblegum  &  sweets;  soft  &  pink  &  warm.  you are strong in the gentlest way.  you are so stubbornly kind.  i wish i could be like that.  ’ ‘  you still visit me while i sleep sometimes.  your fingers trace my spine  &  i listen to you breathe.  please stop haunting me.  ’ ‘  ‘morbid curiosity’ is a wonderful way to describe how i feel about you.  ’

D A R K

‘  a thousand empty bottles  &  fist fights will never return to us what we lost that day.  ’ ‘  everyone else has moved on,  but i am still here.  ’ ‘  everything about you screams danger.  ’ ‘  everything is worthless to you  &  you,  in turn,  became worthless.  ’ ‘  for once in my life i want to be surrounded by people that i don’t feel like i need to impress.  ’ ‘  freedom is really hard to get used to.  ’ ‘  how could you do this to me?  how fucking could you?  ’ ‘  i am becoming everything we always dreamed of  &  i am leaving you behind.  ’ ‘  i buried you so well that you might as well have died.  ’ ‘  i can rest easy knowing that the person i love is dead  &  not the monster you became.  ’ ‘  i can’t look at you.  not now,  not ever.  ’ ‘  i don’t ask how you’ve been.  what’s the point?  you’d lie anyways.  ’ ‘  i dream of hearing the words i so desperately needed to lay your memory to rest.  ’ ‘  i haunted this house first.  there is no room for you here.  ’ ‘  i have a right to be upset.  i loved them too, you know.  ’ ‘  i just want it to end.  i want it to all go away.  i want to go away.  ’ ‘  i may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing,  but a snake hiding in the skin of a mouse is far more dangerous.  ’ ‘  i saw your face today  &  didn’t feel anything.  i am free.  ’ ‘  i tried to save you,  but you didn’t want to be saved.  you just wanted someone to suffer with you.  ’ ‘  it’s almost as if you were never here.  ’ ‘  it’s unhealthy to do these things,  you tell me.  you say it’s time to stop smoking,  time to stop gambling,  &  dammit,  i f you don’t stop drinking it’ll kill you.  i sure hope you’re right,  darling.  ’ ‘  i’m always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to kill you in my mind  ’ ‘  i’m not really scared to die.  i’m more afraid that no one will miss me when i’m gone.  ’ ‘  i’m not the person you left behind anymore.  there’s no one here to miss.  ’ ‘  i’ve been dead far longer than i’ve been alive.  ’ ‘  i’ve eaten nothing but flower petals  &  ivy for weeks because i want to be beautiful inside like you.  ’ ‘  i’ve never been completely satisfied.  i most likely will still be unsatisfied long after my death.  ’ ‘  no motive other than pleasure,  my dear.  ’ ‘  one day i’ll go or you will.  either way,  it will be as if i’m losing a piece of myself.  ’ ‘  our dreams  &  promises decay along with you.  ’ ‘  the leaves change,  but nothing else does.  ’ ‘  the only difference between avoiding  &  leaving is that now i’m not waiting up for you.  ’ ‘  there is no such thing as a person who is required to love you.  ’ ‘  there’s only so much that can be done to repair old damage.  ’ ‘  things aren’t going as i hoped.  maybe if i die,  i can start over again?  better luck next time.  ’ ‘  this is not something to be proud of.  this is a tragedy.  ’ ‘  trying to get rid of me?  oh honey,  you’ll have to try much harder than that.  ’ ‘  trying to get under my skin?  you’re nothing more than a pesky itch.  ’ ‘  unlike you,  i can’t hide my identity when it becomes an inconvenience or a danger.  ’ ‘  weeping is for gods  &  martyrs,  we cannot afford such luxuries.  ’ ‘  would you even miss me?  ’ ‘  you are not important enough to earn an eternal place in my heart.  ’ ‘  you complain nonstop about being unloved  &  alone,  i can’t imagine what you’d be like if that were actually true.  ’ ‘  you don’t know what it’s like.  ’ ‘  you made this so fucking easy for me.  ’ ‘  you should see me as a threat.  i will tear down everything you know until there is nothing left of you.  i am a walking threat.  ’ ‘  you think i’m already gone,  but i’m still fighting.  ’ ‘  you think i’m dead,  but i’m just dying.  ’ ‘  you were never an addiction,  you were a fucking disease.  ’ ‘  you wouldn’t dare cross me.  i am god  &  you are the soil beneath my feet.  ’ ‘  your existence takes up so much more space in mine that we might as well be one entity.  ’ ‘  your fingers are so cold  &  bruised,  but you’re still slamming your fists again the barricade as if it makes a difference.  ’ ‘  your hair is tied in a noose  &  your fingernails are razor blades,  your lips are poison  &  i will gratefully kiss them.  ’ ‘  your hatred has a body count  &  we will not forget.  ’ ‘  your loss,  not mine.  ’ ‘  you’re a sick fuck.  you know that?  ’ ‘  you’re not gentle with me  &  i would never ask you to be.  ’ ‘  you’ve trapped yourself so thoroughly in your own mind that it’s not even a rut anymore,  it’s a pit.   ’

[farcicaleccentric]

boys like you are even cuter with a knife in your back ♡

“Sorry for the disappointment, I was so enchanted by your last suggestion, I think I want to stick with it. No need to leave me bleeding out, that takes so long.”

[farcicaleccentric]

i'll only let you call me princess if you can say it clearly with no air ♡

“A beautiful woman is offering to choke me with her beautiful, slender fingers?”