Fantastical writings

Follow the tales of Xarcnos after he leaves his home, The Court of the Moon. He stands with his brothers and sisters in the Fatalita, governing The Court of Strays, protecting the Strays against malice that pours forth from the other assemblages. The main stories are punctuated by random musings of Xarcnos's Human Manifestation, Carson.

[fatalitalegends]

Dairkige

Dair stood up, his eyes inexpressive, his person unresponsive.

"Lift the spell, Jona." He directed at Thanajon.

Thanajon was dumb with amazement. "What did you just call me?"

"You heard me, Jona. Give me access to the magick." Dair stared at Thanajon, challenging him. 

"What? What's happening? Dair?" Adgyr stood out and reached towards Dair.

"Don't!" Thanajon exclaimed. "Don't touch him." Thanajon warned Adgyr as he snapped his fingers. Dair inhaled deeply and looked up to the sky, savouring the power that flowed around him.

"It's been a while, Jona." Dair grimaced. "You're losing your touch though." Thanajon shook his head in response to that. His disbelief hung heavily in the air. 

"How is this possible? Are you really...?" Thanajon could not even finish his thought. Dair's grimace widened.

"Yes, Jona. It's only temporary though. You need my help finding Mitthyo don't you?" Dair's voice was slightly deeper and Adgyr noticed the difference.

"That... that's not Dair. Who is that? Who is it?" Adgyr turned from Dair, or who appeared to be Dair, to Thanajon. 

"I am Dairkige, Adgyr. But not the Dair that you know. I was Dair long before Dair existed. I am Xarcnos, locked away in this reincarnated body of mine. I have been dormant for millennia." 

"He's... but... what?" Adgyr stuttered in confusion.

"I'll explain it later Adgyr. Can you do it? Can you find Mitthyo?" Thanajon hushed Adgyr and asked Xarcnos.

Xarcnos nodded then shook his head. "You really are losing your touch Thanajon." He lifted his hand and clenched his fist. A blue tattoo flared to life on his forearm. Xarcnos reached through the bond, through a life bond magickally forged worlds ago and worlds away, and tugged. Xarcnos felt for the tether between him and Mitthyo. It felt loose, frayed.

"The pact is almost broken, the bond weak. I need to recreate it Thanajon. Will you help me?" Xarcnos reached out a hand. Thanajon nodded and clasped it.

Xarcnos Fragosus Vena Aquaria!

Magick exploded as Xarcnos invoked a key lost in time. The energy rippled out as the supermoon reached its peak in the night sky. A radiant beam of ivory fell upon the roof, all the magick of Earth was ready to respond to Xarcnos. 

A bond once forged from Death to Life Renewed this night, against all strife. A tattered thread, re-knit, rewound A magickal pact tonight rebound.

Xarcnos spoke the first lines, willing his bond with Mitthyo to be reforged. Thanajon added his own

From worlds apart they are now brought As one at last, as fate they ought The one is lost, shall now be found A magickal pact tonight rebound.

"We need a third. Adgyr, you knew Dair. We can only work from the body and the magick which existed. You must bind Mitthyo to the Dair of today, of the present, of this world." Adgyr nodded nervously and racked his brain to create lines which could help.

A heart so full, a friend so dear I live and know, with you, no fear His past, my present, lives through your sound A magickal pact tonight rebound.

Xarcnos and Thanajon smiled encouragingly at Adgyr. "Go on, finish the lines." Adgyr took a deep breath and shed a tear, completing, 

Awaken this moon, this union is done Two lives are now bound henceforth as one.

The radiant ivory turned blood red in the sky. A blood moon as mortals called it as the magick of Earth soared through time and space to reforge a bond weathered by millinnia of disuse. Weaving together each intricate history, each fragment of memory, each lost second in time.

"It's working!" Xarcnos exclaimed as he felt the bond strengthening. The dragon tattoo flared on his arm again, emitting a brilliant sapphire glow. 

"Mitthyo, I summon thee. Come to my side!" Xarcnos declared, reaching through the bond to his partner.

[fatalitalegends]

Untimely

Adgyr couldn't speak. He had felt something in the air and looked up just to see Dair appear before his eyes. What was he to make of that? Dair was equally mute. He wasn't in the right state of mind to handle this, seeing Adgyr again for the first time in so long. Mitthyo and Thanajon had assured him that Adgyr couldn't see the magick and Dair had been instructed repeatedly not to mention any magick in case he lifted the veil which shielded mortals' eyes. Dair made a decision and teleported out to Cendana's roof before he could do anything stupid. He appeared in front of Thanajon and collapsed, bursting into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Dair instinctively curled into a ball and rocked himself. It was the middle of the night, about 15 minutes from the start of the Supermoon. Thanajon had no idea why Dair was like this but he could guess. He knelt down and placed his hands around Dair. "Shh... it's gonna be alright," he cooed to Dair. Thanajon could only hold the boy tightly as he continued sobbing. Thanajon needed Mitthyo, Dair needed Mitthyo here. "Shh... shh... calm down child. The moon is almost upon us. Come child. It will be alright." 

Thanajon looked up at the night sky. He could feel people's gaze collectively move upwards as the supermoon approached. It felt like a festival he used to celebrate, worshipping Scelastea at her most glorious. He flexed his fingers, sensing the air. He clapped them together and the magic responded, shrouding the pair in darkness, hiding them from wandering eyes. "Come on Dair. I can't do this alone. You are the one with the bond. You must find Mitthyo." Dair hadn't stopped weeping. He was in too much pain. Overwhelmed by pure sorrow, his mind couldn't comprehend anything else. He could hear nothing, see nothing. He was losing control. Dair didn't know it but Thanajon could see it. The magickal energy was getting restless, stirring and responding to his emotions. Thanajon snapped his fingers and demanded the energy dissipate, creating a void of energy around Dair. Thanajon sighed and attempted a very dangerous experiment. As a Lune he could control negative feelings around a person if enough was being emanated. He could remove it or exponentially increase it. Usually an offensive tactic, Thanajon rarely had need of this ability. It had been aeons since there was any need for it; Moon Others were not prone to letting their emotions run rampant. He tried to get through to Dair once more, the Supermoon was almost upon them. "Come my son. It is time. Control yourself." He knelt in front of Dair, looking into his eyes. Somewhere deep inside Dair, Xarcnos recognised the voice and saw those deep sapphire eyes. His consciousness reached out to Thanajon, trying to make a connection, trying to penetrate Dair's consciousness. Within Dair's mind, a war was being waged. Dair fought with the darkness which had overcome him while Xarcnos tried to stir. Of course, Thanajon had no idea this was happening. He placed his fingers beside Dair's temple and sent his mind out, diving into the tempest. Dair? Come to me, Dair. I am here. You are safe. Come to me, Dair.    Thanajon projected this repeatedly, his voice echoing above the maelstrom. He knew the risks of taking away what Dair was feeling. He was reluctant, still desperately reaching out to find Dair among the madness. DAIR! Dair could hear Thanajon but he could not respond. He tried to will something to happen but nothing did. Thanajon raised his hand, about to silence the chaos. He was unceremoniously ejected from Dair's mind, with enough force that his physical body stumbled away. Thanajon gathered himself and reached out to touch Dair's temple but his fingers would not make contact with the skin. He moved his hands over Dair, trying to touch, wanting to make the connection. But Dair would not let him do so. Somehow, Dair had created a barrier on his skin powerful enough to repel touch. "Come on Dair, let me in," growled Thanajon as he roamed yet again. The supermoon was approaching fast and Thanajon was running out of options. He cast a stone at Dair, willing it to break through the barrier, to draw some blood. It had been some time since Dair had encountered a physical attack. While his barrier prevented people from touching him, his lack of foresight allowed this sleight to penetrate. The stone hit him, nicking the skin ever so slightly and drawing blood. 

Thanajon’s eyes gleamed at the sight of red and he sent his mind forth, back into the consciousness of Dair. Thanajon boomed around the chaos. He raised his hands and clapped it. "Siopete!"

A wave of magick rippled as he commanded silence. He pulled out of Dair's mind, hoping that he had stilled the thoughts enough for the man to emerge. "Dair? Come back to me my son." He waved his hands in front of Dair's face, cursing under his breathe again. He sifted through Dair's memories, trying to find the cause of this most recent breakdown. The most recent memory, was Dair appearing accidentally in Adgyr's room barely moments before he met Thanajon. "Curse Khan. He must've messed up his teleportation." Thanajon's mind was racing, trying to figure out the best course of action to take now. He could take the risk of sealing away that memory but h had no guarantee that Dair would come out of this state. He could summon Adgyr but... Just then, Adgyr burst through the doors onto the roof of Cendana. "Dair? Where are you? I know you're here. Where are you?!" He yelled to nothing in particular. Thanajon looked at the boy's face, his cheeks were glistening with recently shed tears. Thanajon had a choice to make. "WHERE ARE YOU?!" Adgyr bellowed again. Thanajon sighed and lifted the veil. Adgyr beheld Dair in a ball on the ground, speechless and rocking, a teenager stood over him, looking directly at Adgyr. "Can you help him?" Thanajon asked Adgyr, pointing at Dair. Adgyr rushed forward, tightly covering Dair with his embrace before pulling back, kneeling in front of him. He tenderly held Dair's face in his hands and gazed deeply into his eyes. "Come back, Dair. Come back to me."Adgyr whispered endearingly to Dair, willing him to come back, pushing aside his own despair and turmoil. Dair did not respond to his voice, nor his touch. Adgyr's hands fell away onto his thighs. The supermoon fell upon them.  

[fatalitalegends]

Hug

To be so starved, the insatiability, the thirst. But not for food,  the immaterial matters more. Because the fast may be implemented But the starvation is performed. Imagine being unable to communicate, helpless to convey your thoughts your feelings. Your affection. and so to be denied something  Daily taken, daily given the comfort, the warmth. An all encompassing. the beauty of touch do not me deny, so precious and cherished I must not lie.

[fatalitalegends]

Drunk on love

Because in this stupor I live uninhibited. The words flow naturally, uncurated, Natural-ly

I love you, And I would shout it from the rooftops Why am I holding back? I’m not very sure either.

I love you. I would gladly shout Scream, yell, because  It is all consuming this love. Pure, alive, stimulting. I love you,  why do I have to hide it? because you’ll probably never see this.

uninbited, that’s how it should be how it must be. I love you.

[fatalitalegends]

two

Amongst the many faces I am comfortable. They do not Know me I am lost, I am at ease. Between my friends I can be ignored. They Know of me I am uneasy, I am lost. I struggle to be comfortable I comfortably struggle.  Drowning out the sounds the sounds, swallowing me in.

[fatalitalegends]

Smile

I take it in, force it down Slowly, swig by swig It tumbles down my throat. Luxurious liquor of Life

My heart, I hear it thundering  in my ears, against my ribs. It pumps the lifeblood around the body which the mind seems to lose control. Protect myself, my body screams as it tries to produce endorphins. the corner of my lips tug upwards, forcing the mantra wanting to believe that it is true “smiling, even a fake smile helps”

Consciously my mind accepts, The body responds, the hormone flows through. But the heart still hurts, heavy, heated Happiness no longer has a home in the heart. A depth emerges, a hole opens. The precipice looms, taunting, sneering. “Courage is not the absence of fear” Embrace the darkness. Let it swallow you whole If you’re deprived of feeling, you can’t lose anything.

“Don’t wish. Don’t start. Wishing only wounds the heart.”

[fatalitalegends]

Supermoon

"There's going to be a supermoon tonight," Thanajon stated matter-of-fact-ly.

"That doesn't help Jona. Mitthyo is still missing." Dair paced around the suite urgently. He gazed outside his window, the winter sun in London gleamed meekly through the glass. His breathe was fogging against the panes.

"We could use the Supermoon to help find Mitthyo. Besides, I'd much rather we be somewhere where the Supermoon is actually happening. I don't like knowing that it's happening but not being able to see it." Thanajon had not come to terms with the fact that Dair was studying abroad this semester. He had much preferred the tropical sun after centuries of being trapped in a lightless, cold existence. Thanajon had embraced the sun with great enthusiasm and missed it greatly. He had been trying to find ways of getting Dair to return to Singapore as much as possible.

Dair relented. "Fine. We can go back to Singapore. But only for the night." Thanajon practically leaped with joy. Thanajon was this close to leaving Dair in London while he returned back. With Mitthyo missing, he dared not leave Dair alone. 

Dair had been unstable, to say the least, since Mitthyo vanished. He had been having more and more panic attacks and the memories had stopped flowing. It felt like a part of him was missing. Dair kept trying to find Mitthyo, asking Thanjon to teach him all the tricks he knew. He had tried summoning him, like Thanajon taught him to, but it didn't work. He had been quite tempted to leap off a building again but Thanajon vetoed the idea instantly.

"We need to teleport back. Now you're sure that Mitthyo has taught you how to do it exactly." Dair wasn't technically a Lune anymore. His teleportation would have differed greatly from what Thanajon could use. Thanajon had no way of explaining how normal people teleported.

"Yes. I'm sure. Look." Dair teleported himself across the room. It became easier each time he tried it. Most fiction on earth had it right. Just focus and willpower can do the trick. The biggest trick of course, was actually being able to use magick.

"Fine. You ready? Remember, no one can see you. No one must know that you're back." Dair nodded in reply and grabbed his things. 

"Cendana College yes? On the roof?" Thanajon confirmed again.

"Yes." Dair willed himself halfway across the world, commanding the energy around him to fold the space. He stepped forward through space.

"Dair?" He immediately knew that he had made a gross error.

"Fuck," he murmured. Of course his will had wavered at the last minute. He had appeared back in college and transported himself successfully. He had just arrived one college away from where he wanted to be.

"Hi Adgyr. It's good to see you again."

[fatalitalegends]

Less and less

it gets less and less painful  Each time I see your beautiful face. I think of you everyday Just to check that I am fine, That it had happened To test if I still pine. I will never stop Pining maybe I’ll never stop Hurting Its like a scab I keep peeling open Eventually the scar becomes  Thick, and I am used to the pain.

Do you even think about me? I just want to know that somewhere Out there, I still have a place in your heart In your mind, in your soul Like you are in Mine.

I tell myself to smile each time Because it doesn’t matter if it hurts Because what we had was better than nothing Because pain is still feeling, but it gets less and less painful

[fatalitalegends]

Separation

Something was amiss. Dair hadn’t figured out yet, but he could sense that something was wrong. It gnawed at him, chewing and irritating his thoughts that day. As he finally fell asleep, his subconcious identified the problem.

Dair fell right into one of Xarcnos’ memories. There was no door, no corridor, no intentional selection. The memory played as Dair’s defences fell. It was the night that Mitthyo died.

Dair could see a grassland that stretched endlessly. There was no wind, but he could see where the magick had been used. Something struck him, an odd sense of absence. He glanced around and he saw it, a Lunar eclipse. He shuddered, a feeling of hopelessness creeping into his mind. 

There was a flare, someone was using magick. He walked towards the magick, aware that it was just a memory and nothing could harm him. He could see three figures, two kneeling and one on his back. He recognised them, of course, Thanajon and Xarcnos were hunched over Mitthyo’s body. Floating gently above was a spectre of Mitthyo, bound to the body by a thin thread of silver. Beside the three figures was a swirl of colours, brilliant, inviting, and dangerous.

It was raining, Dair walked closer to them. Thanajon had vanished and was speaking into Xarcnos’ head. Xarcnos carried out the instructions carefully, preparing himself for the Socius Custodius Pact, the thing which bound Mitthyo and Xarcnos together. Dair had always assumed the bond was naturally formed at birth, he hadn’t realise that Xarcnos had done it to bring his friend back.

“Xarcnos Fragosus Vena Aquaria. Two lives must join together as one, A binding, a union, tonight must be done. Death’s door must first greet us with open arms, resurrection alone will not cause us harm. Awaken the next hour whence the union is done, Two lives irreversibly bound as one.”

Dair saw the life drain out of Xarcnos, his soul, too, floated out of its body. The two souls merged as one, fusing their essences before slamming back into their respective bodies.

It was only now that Dair understood the bond that Xarcnos and Mitthyo had. They were quite literally soul-mates. He might not completely understand the mechanics of the bond just yet but he knew enough that the only reason he had all these memories now was because Mitthyo's life had somehow preserved Xarcnos' as well. They were one; and had been one for millenia.

Dair jolted awake in his bed. 

"Thanajon! Where are you?" His companion appeared in the room beside him.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Mitthyo. He's missing."

[fatalitalegends]

Fantasy

It was the first time I had a dream and not a nightmare Of course it was about you

What made it happy was that it felt so real, so concrete.  I reached out and I could feel you, touch you In the privacy of my home... Alone, undisturbed. It was the first time I smiled genuinely, because I dare My heart was so full because I had you What made me smile was that I didn’t need to coerce or reach out. You came of your own  accord and You did the things you did for us... at least, I hope It was the first time I cried from happiness, I care That after so long, the dream was about you This was, quite tragically the first time I dreamt about you, the real you. Not the fiction I had created, but the genuine you. I remember the smile I gave, the tears rolling down.

Now I question the tears, happiness or sadness? Because somewhere deep down I still knew I always know - that it is just a fantasy 

[fatalitalegends]

Leaving

Dair meditated on the roof of his house, calming the torrent of memories that washed over him. He rode the waves of recollection as they crashed into his consciousness.

It was time to leave the college. Move out day.

He couldn't bear the thought of leaving the college for so long. It felt like he would never come back. All the worse scenarios played through his head. Thanks to Xarcnos' presence in his head and Mitthyo and Thanajon's training, he would never forget ever again.

The fears coursed through his veins, feeding... something. His panic, his anxiety. Dair fought hard to push them all aside. He didn't have time for this. He couldn't succumb. All the mental walls he built couldn't stand up to this.

"Not couldn't. The walls were not meant for something as strong as this." He muttered to himself.

Dair had fallen in love. He had fallen so deeply and sunk so deeply that he couldn't escape. It pervaded his every thought, determined his every action. All those thoughts and actions he knew he shouldn't be thinking and doing but he did them anyway. Stupid mistakes piled up, adding to his inventory of idiocy. The worse part was that he didn't think he was in love till he lost it. And now all he had were memories. Cherished, glimmering shards of happiness which he clung onto and inhaled like oxygen.

And now, it was time for him to leave. The semester had stretched him and broke him. He had gathered the pieces, went crawling back to his refuge, sought out his love. As always, Adgyr was patient, kind, and the perfect being in his eyes. Adgyr helped him through the pain, undergoing his own turmoil at the same time, but never letting Dair feel unloved.

Dair hated himself. He hated himself for breaking and pushing away the one he loved, the one who loved him back. His biggest regret, biggest mistake was his lack of empathy. He had run away, and he will never forgive himself for running. But he had. He had run. He had to live with the consequences of his actions. Forever at the back of his mind.

He wanted warmth, comfort, a very specific source of both. But he needs to stop seeking them from Adgyr. He was going away for the semester, a whole continent away. Dair kept hoping something will happen during the time apart. Something that will bring them both together again. Hope is a feeble thing, yet it was all he had to cling on to. And so he clung.

Mitthyo appeared at his side, feeling all the negative solitude from his bonded brother. He sat down and embraced Dair. Dair wanted to cry, he wanted to shout, to scream, to release the pain. That's all he has wanted to do for so many weeks. Even until now, he wants to shout and scream and cry. He needed a cathartic release but he was prevented from doing so.

"Do you want to let it out, Dair? It's alright you know. It's not weak to surrender to your emotions."

Dair wanted to reply Mitthyo. It wasn't weakness that was stopping him. He simply couldn't achieve the catharsis he wanted. All he could do was distract himself. Keep the panic and anxiety at bay.

"I can lock the memory you know. If you really wanted me to. I could seal it away where it will never hurt you."

Dair smiled at the offer. It was tempting. So tempting. Ever since Mitthyo and Thanajon taught him who he was, he had known they could do it. But he never wanted to. Denying the existence wouldn't help the emptiness he felt. He shook his head and leaned against Mitthyo.

"I need help. But I will never find my salvation."

[fatalitalegends]

Response

I am not holding back, 

I reSisT

Through paIn, through sorrow, through heartache.

A muddLe of inconsistent promises,

pushing

puLLing

Simmering behind every thought

Desperately yearning to reach Outward, fingers hoVering.

You are not a diseasE.

You are YOU

[fatalitalegends]

Fleeing

Dair grabbed his hair and pulled on it. His legs wouldn't work and he desperately needed them to. At this point in time, he could no longer tell if he was in a dream, a memory, a nightmare, or reality. All he knew was that he was experiencing it. 

He leapt upwards, grabbing at the ledge and falling short. Always falling short.

Have faith

Dair could only hope with all his heart as he jumped what he knew was the last. His legs were not functioning. They were dead weight. He had been trying to get over this wall for hours now. Jumping and falling, jumping and falling. 

Hoping worked. Faith came through. He hooked onto the ledge and pulled himself up. Elbows tucked in and pushed himself over. He willed his dead legs into motion. One after the other. They carried him through sheer willpower, onwards. 

He caught sight of motion to his left. Adgyr was here. Adgyr was running with him. He had appeared from no where. Dair knew giving up was no longer an option. 

They were fleeing. Dair wasn't sure from what, but he knew they were fleeing. 

"Come on Adgyr!" He grabbed his arm and pulled. 

Adgyr was stirred into motion, his emotions just as high. Dair could feel the fear, from both of them. His heightened senses could hear their heartbeats racing. In the background, a storm of treading footsteps approached. Adgyr couldn't hear them but he could. They were coming and coming fast. 

Dair tried to recall a spell, anything that Mitthyo had taught him. He flung his hands out and imagined a solid wall manifesting behind him. Steady, impenetrable, and strong. Every few steps he repeated the same action, trusting his abilities, or at least, the abilities Mitthyo said he had. He imagined them immensely tall and thick. He imagined them impedimenting the onslaught. He imagined them stopping the chase. 

He could hear them work. His walls were working. The chase was slowing down. Adgyr's phone found that the perfect opportunity to ring. It was the results for an application both of them had made.

"I got it!" Argue stopped completely and smiled at Dair. Dair knew his walls weren't impenetrable. He knew they were being overcome. Each second they stop meant a greater chance of getting caught.

Then he saw them. The first of the creatures almost hit Adgyr. By some miracle, it missed. 

"Ad, great news, but we need to go." He grabbed his arm and pulled again.

"Relax Dair. I got it!" Adgyr was smiling so widely Dair couldn't help but feel his joy. "Besides, why are we running anyway?" 

Dair stared at the creature approaching from Adgyr's front. 

He couldn't see them. 

Dair was determined not to tell him. Mitthyo once warned him that telling someone about what he could see meant lifting the veil that kept them ignorant. Dair just imagined the creature being stabbed and bleeding to death. It happened. It died. And Dair was thankful it worked.

"Just trust me. Come with me." For the last time, Dair grabbed his arm and pulled. 

Just then, from behind, one of the creatures latched onto Adgyr. He was gone. Dair screamed so hard, he jolted himself back into reality. 

Dair was on his bed. He was awake. He knew nothing was wrong. He checked his phone. He didn't get it. He knew Adgyr did. He put his face in his hands. 

He cried.

[fatalitalegends]

Ignored

I stay away, distance What does it offer me? What pain, what solitude, what Darkness

I stay unfeeling not by choice, because I am calling out for attention. Attention i don't deserve People only know, when the opposite shows. When the silent is happy - something is wrong. When the happy, Silent. Help.

Ignored. If i'm the unfeeling one then maybe I won't feel ignored Maybe then I can stay in my lonely Maybe i can... maybe... ... Maybe, these are all   just excuses for you to notice me?

[conflictology]

I am Galinda, Learning to be wise and good Learning it’s not always about me Learning it’s okay to not get my way.

I am the Cowardly Lion Rescued from ineptitude Striving for a greater cause Yearning to be heard

I am Liir, the child Grown up without parents But with Family all around To guard him and to guide him

I am Elphaba Learning to be strong Learning to stand up for what I believe is true Learning that there isn’t an absolute right

I am in Love That wordless, numbing, exquisite Joy To know someone who gives and Isn’t afraid to be on the side of something

I have found my Winkie Prince His skin bejeweled against my heinous Green I have found my contentment You alone can make my soul take flight

Because I knew you …

[conflictology]

I am Nessarose, taking everything For granted Under-appreciating, never understanding. Crippled, in worse ways than tangled feet.

I am Boc, living a false Too selfless to be selfish, Finally selfish for the wrong Enemy created from not understanding

I am Fiyero the strawman And I am the Bic the Tin-man Numb to battering on a hardened shell Maybe I’m brainless. For once I want to be heartless.

I am what my past made me. Petty, attention seeking, always needing to be right. I am never wrong, never doubted until I doubted myself I am, wordlessly, exquisitely, painfully Numb.

I am, for once, in Love.

[conflictology]

“You’re in a pit and struggling to get out and each time someone lowers a string you reach out enough to swat at it but not to grab it. Here I am reaching down my hand but all I feel is you slapping it away.”

These are the words

Cold, unfeeling, unempathising.

I wielded the metaphor as a weapon

Misunderstanding, apathetic.

Then came the reality.

As I struggled in solitude

Even briefly, I found myself

Gasping for air, understanding a little

Of what I was so ignorant.

Glimpses stir, the pain erupts.

It’s only been two days in fact.

Yet when I scroll past your beautiful face

All I know is pain. How much more it must

Hurt for you.

I can’t breathe, I’m gasping for air

Drowning in my own thoughts

The dark bleakness of us.

My strength comes only from faith.

Faith that love will bring us back.

That Love will heal.