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@fatandflexible
By, Hebrew-Ham Lincoln (AKA Hammy, Hamster, or Dara) I have never been one to make leaps of faith. Or at least I didn’t think I was. I am nervous and think way too far into the future. I worry about how I will pay for my retirement and how I will pay for my thus-far-non-existent children’s...
Oh, man, this gives me such hope. <3
Breaking out of mental bondage
So, being healthy is very rarely ONLY about taking care of our bodies. People don't just wake up one day and decide to love themselves enough to be active; to crawl out of the shell they inhabit and learn something new.
In my childhood, I was very much a singular person. I didn't need anyone else, and towards the end, I wanted nothing more than to hide away. I escaped into a world of literature, because there... problems could be solved in just a few chapters. Nothing at all like real life, where what little self control you had could be beaten out of you until you were nothing but a caged and wounded animal, desperate to do anything, say ANYTHING, to make the pain go away.
I became "well adjusted" despite all that I'd endured as a kid. People who have gotten to know the former me are shocked that I'm "doing so well". Daily I make the decision to not be a wounded creature, because the second that I pull the covers back over my head and give in to... all of that... well, that means they've won. So I've never had any other choice but to keep on plugging away at living. And I have an incredible husband who is sensitive, and supportive, and makes that living so much easier.
Lately, though, living hasn't been enough. Recently someone told me that I was graceful, and to most people, that wouldn't be a big deal. But to me and my warped self-perception, it was earth-moving. I didn't see myself that way, and in fact quite the opposite. I'm a hulking, lumbering "bouncer" of a woman. Graceful people are those long-limbed, confident people who dance and run like gazelles!
As time has passed since they made that comment, I've wondered: What could I do if I really nurtured myself mentally? Who could I be, and what talents and strengths could I develop if I took the time to break down the anger and pain, scars from years of abuse, and pushed the boundaries of what I thought I could do? What if I had confidence in myself enough to believe that the sky wasn't the limit. That the only limitations on my experiences and accomplishments were self imposed ones? Because the years of being under the control of people who wanted to hurt me are over, and it's up to me to either be strong and thrive, or become simply another victim of circumstance, and never live beyond the confines of someone else's lies.
It's a terrifying prospect. To have a world of possibility open to you, and no direction or idea of where to begin. But to stay where I am is no longer an option. I want to flourish.
Quitting.
Last week on Wednesday night (second night of practice, first league practice with the newbies) I walked out of roller derby practice. I got too far into my head, beat myself up, hated everything I was (incorrectly) doing, and a little over halfway through I took off my skates, pads, helmet, and just left.
And I hated myself even more for giving up.
All week long, since last Wednesday, I did more berating, more talking down, and what I've been SO excited about suddenly turned into the thing I least wanted to talk about. I even pulled away from my derby friends because 1. I just KNEW that they knew, and were disappointed in me. 2. I didn't want to admit that I was thinking of throwing in the whole damn towel and stopping. Because I was.
And last evening after I got off of work, I was still in a funk, and contemplating whether or not I was going to go to practice again, so I whined to Kerry, "I don't wanna go. I suck so badly." And he said, "You know how you get better?" And of course, I do.
You get better by going to practice.
Because that's why you're there. That's why I AM there. To get better. To learn what I don't know. There's NOTHING WRONG with not knowing! As long as you show up, you put in the effort, you get a little dirty, and a lotta sweaty, and you give it your all, you're working to learn what you didn't know before.
That is something I'm going to struggle to remember. But it's unequivocally irrefutable. Go at your own pace, and remember that while it won't happen overnight, every time you do something, you're building a foundation for change. When you feel like you're not seeing improvement, don't stop. Work past it. Remember who you WANT to be, and what you're working towards.
Lily Myers - "Shrinking Women" (CUPSI 2013) (by Button Poetry)
If you listen to nothing else today, listen to this.
Goals: The updated edition
I've gotten away from making goals. What's wrong with me? Short term goals, daily goals... that is what drives me to progress. Long term goals give me something to look forward to.
The last few days have really driven home the hard truth at how unmotivated I've been, and how lazy I'd gotten. Slipping back into old habits while helping to inform other people is still slipping back into those old habits; the knowledge of what to do is meaningless unless you make the effort to implement it into your daily routine.
Wow.
Back up. Did you read that? Did that just come out of my brain/mouth/fingers?
The KNOWLEDGE of what to do is MEANINGLESS unless you make the EFFORT to implement it into your DAILY ROUTINE.
^ ^ Someone make that a motivational image or something with a field and sunshine and shit. ^ ^
I have a LOT going on right now, and most of it is making me feel incredibly inadequate. I hate that feeling. I hate recognizing the weakness, having it brought to the forefront like a glaring neon sign. I just want to do everything right now. *laugh* The next few days are going to be about concentrating on updating personal goals, not just for fitness, but financially and photographically as well.
Fresh meat!
I'm feeling many feels right now.
Happiness, because I'm doing this. I wish you guys knew the me of a few years ago, and the difference, the CHANGE, that I've undergone. The person I am today literally is nothing like who I used to be. Being in a class, on skates, doing something athletic, when all I used to want to do is bury beneath the covers and read every waking moment of my life? Impossible.
Frustration, because I suck. But everyone is new, and it's okay, I knew I was gonna suck. No one starts off knowing how to do it all.
Anger, because I'm heavy. Like, really heavy. And getting back up after I fall is the hardest thing I will have to learn to do. And that's not some metaphor. Getting up with sneakers takes strength; getting up on WHEELS? Act of God at this moment. And I'm angry that I KNEW that was how it was going to be, and I pushed it into the back of my mind, and didn't work on it earlier, and I have to work on it now.
I was exhausted last night, and so very hungry. So I got Taco Bell. I need to prepare for the intense hunger after practice, because I know that last night's practice is not a full practice. It was "welcome to skating, here's a nice little warm up to get ya started" practice. And I can't afford both financially or physically to stop at TB after practice each night.
There's another practice tonight, and word on the street is that it's going to be a night of falls. So, hooray. The upside is that since I am physically unable to get my ass off of the floor (a big part of derby, lemme tell ya), I got to practice more on my T-stops, and feel a lot more confident doing those. Also, apparently my form isn't quite as shit as I thought it was. Small blessings, yeah?
Today!
Today it begins!
This is me on the inside:
This is me on the outside:
I'm drinking all of the water, and I'll be doing all of the stretching. I went overboard by 1500% and not only bought arch support insoles, but insoles with heel cushion and arch support too, and an ankle wrap, and six pairs of athletic ankle socks with arch support... Freaking heck. Like ANY of this is going to make me a better skater. *laugh*
I'm so happy. And I want to vomit. But it's a happy vomit.
Guys. GUYS!
Roller derby practice begins next week, and I move in just over a month.
WHAT IS MY LIFE AND HOW IS IT SUDDENLY SO AMAZING??
Dead Girl Derby!
Have you always wanted to see girls in awesome outfits battle it out on skates? This is the CHAMPIONSHIP! It's basically a battle to the death. Okay, maybe not the death, but the Sheilas are fighting to hold on to their four year reign as winners over the league, and the Pains are just raring to yank the trophy from their hands! Do something out of the ordinary; who knows, maybe the derby bug will bite you, too!
Hey! I love your blog but I saw that you haven't posted in some time! Hope everything is good :) goodluck with your journey!
I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while! I got busy with life outside of logging, and honestly I just kind of slacked off. I was tired of counting and working out, so I just stopped for a bit. It was nice, because it gave me a break, and I learned that I was capable of keeping active without being so routine and diligent. But I came back to it, because I still have a lot to lose, I'm not in the maintaining phase yet. Thanks for taking the time to write me; that's so nice!
So, I survived!
It wasn't anything more than open skate, which was great, and I met some really nice people. I'm trying to balance out my "OMG, I LOVE DERBY, AND I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE WATCHING YOU PLAY, AND WANNA BE GREAT WITH YOU!", because that might not win me all of the friends.
But I enjoyed myself immensely, I got a couple of compliments, and I want to buckle down and learn.
One of the new skaters that came out wound up breaking his leg, literally, towards the end of the skate period, and I think it freaked out a few of the women who came to join. However, it couldn't have happened (sadly) at a more appropriate time, because it showed the people who might not have known what they were getting into that yes, it's a sport. You can get hurt.
I'm enthusiastic, and can't wait for September, when practice begins for the fresh meat!
I'm not dead yet!
So, I'm still here, and if you are, too, it's likely only because you forgot that you can edit who you follow, or didn't know, and would have dropped me by now if you had. After the most insanely wonderful, active, and awesome vacation to Oregon with the hiking, and the combing, and the climbing across lava rocks and up and down the sides of cliffs, I thought "Hey, why not do a 5k?" So I did a 5k last Sunday! And I loved it! Now, people might remember that I mentioned that I began skating. Well, I'm still doing that, and tonight I'm going to be going to a recruitment meeting for new targets skaters, and I am SO excited! So excited that I've been nauseous since around 9:30 this morning. From what I understand, it's just going to be a lot of information, and some open skating with already drafted league members, and then watching a scrimmage, so I don't know WHY I'm acting this way. All I know if that I'm glad my friends are going to be there, because I know I'm not doing this alone. Actually, if you'd asked me a year ago if I would ever consider playing roller derby, I'd have laughed and said, "Hell no. I don't skate! Skating is for people with balance and grace!" So, hey, one more thing I never thought I'd do! Also! I'm considering going back to see a doctor and getting back on Metformin/Glucophage. I took it years ago when I was first diagnosed with PCOS, and because my diet was crap it made me sick all of the time. Now I eat better and am more active, so hopefully I'll see progress. Get ready for this blog to be a "What happened at derby practice/I'm getting better at ___/I love skating" blog! I'll be more diligent about updating, because I really miss this! Also, I really would love it if you ever have any questions or comments to not hold back. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself, and that's fine, I really only began this blog as a means to keep track of what I was doing. But I have followers! (again, how?) Talk to me!
What an active vacation!
Excited about the next couple of days. Hiking a nearly ten mile trail today (Thursday), aptly called Ten Falls Canyon. Yesterday was a very physical day full of hiking over lava rocks across the coastline, bracing myself against the 15 - 25 mph wind gusts, and lots of photo taking. It was as exciting and dangerous as I could have hoped for.
I'm so thankful that I'm in the frame of mind and physical condition to do the things that we're doing. While other people take the easy trails, I'm literally pulling myself up the embankment with my hands and finding footholds in the rocks to keep from being blown over. When people visit a park and say that it was "pretty, but the access was sort of restricted...", I laugh, because I walked down the street, through the forest, across the beach, up the rocks, and have stood in the place where they only wish they could be.
This is living, and I'm so happy.
This.
Vacation time!
I'm so excited, and nervous! Tomorrow marks the first time I'll have flown since before I started losing weight! My hubby and I are heading to Oregon for eight days to celebrate our eleventh (!!!!!!) anniversary! I can't wait to see if I feel more comfortable, and if I still need the seat belt extender (and even if I do, I'm not even going to care!). While we're there, we're going to walk a ten mile hike that features several different waterfalls. Two years ago, if someone would have told me that I was going to willingly, excitedly walk ten miles in one day, I'd have laughed in their face. But I am SO excited to lace up my hiking shoes and get out there and see a new part of the world.
I'm always excited for vacation; who wouldn't be, right? But there's something so exhilarating about going somewhere brand new.
So, I see this as a perfect opportunity to be active on here once again, and I'm going to be posting a lot of photos (and maybe a video) of our time in Oregon. I can't wait to get to our little cottage on the coast and listen to the waves!
Reconstruction
For years I built my body on my perceptions of myself, the negative, the self-destructive, the worthless, and found myself in a body that I neither recognized nor claimed. I had divorced my mind from the shell that I inhabited, ashamed and delusional about who I really was. I could look into the mirror and compartmentalize everything. I never truly saw myself, because there was nothing about myself that I felt was worth seeing.
For the last year and a half, I've worked hard. I'm far from being at my ideal weight and shape, and am still anxious and irritated at the dangling, waving looseness that is my body.
But I know who I am, and I know what I am.
My thighs will never be slender, because I've built a solid wall of muscle that protects my bones and gives me strength to do ten more seconds of wall squats even when they're screaming for me to quit.
The skin on my arms might dangle like Great Aunt Josephine's, but I know that I have more upper body strength than I could have ever imagined.
My heart is stronger. I'm not afraid that one day I'll have a heart attack trying to climb a flight of stairs. I can breathe, because my lungs have room to fill with the air that, 18 months ago, I struggled to suck in even when I was sitting still or laying in my bed.
I've begun to see me for who I am. I refuse to nourish the unfavorable views of myself any longer, and I work daily to embrace the beauty that is within me, the development of a confident, loving, excited woman.
