Whatever Works

Depressed, but trying to do what makes me happy. (Figured out how to queue posts. Everyone is in trouble)

[fauxpapi]

Something: happens

Me: wow, just like in the movie.

[fauxpapi]

Breaking into your house and taking a bath.

[fauxpapi]

No one ever read the best Poem ever written

It was hidden behind a paywall

On a website you haven’t heard of

By you guy you don’t care about

It didn’t say anything new

It just made everyone feel exactly the same

About the exact same thing

Just once

It could’ve changed the world

If anyone saw it; and they didn’t.

It could’ve made every. Single. Person. Actionable.

Just one time:

They would’ve burned it.

If anyone cared enough to read it.

To feel it out.

But they didn’t.

The most dangerous weapon in the world

Disappeared unnoticed

And it was fine.

No one suffered for it.

[fauxpapi]

Them: how you doin?

Me ( who just got called “big dog” by my toddler): I’m pretty fucking fantastic

[fauxpapi]

Probably not queer enough to channel Frank Ocean ass whoopin’ bisexuality, but I owe it to myself to try

“Why’s his mug all bloody, that was a 3 on 1”

[fauxpapi]

Convinced that, at this point, my doctor would be satisfied with me simply being more ashamed of my unhealthy behavior

[fauxpapi]

Living in DC is like: is pissing in this bush extra a crime because it’s technically on pentagon property?

[fauxpapi]

Bet some of the minions are like “why am I an unholy creature that lives beyond the sight of gods grace?” But it just comes out like “bebebb banana”

[fauxpapi]

My whole year has felt like this picture of Kirsten Dunst. I cannot explain in more detail:

[fauxpapi]

Doing about as well as bald Britney Spears or blonde Lindsay Lohan today.

[fauxpapi]

If you don’t like pride month you aren’t proud of yourself.

Sucks to suck i guess!

[fauxpapi]

Holding hands isn’t enough. I need someone to fight me.

[fauxpapi]

I’m like if the part of the ghost busters theme song where they go “bustin makes me feel good” was a person.

[fauxpapi]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 500 likes!

[fauxpapi]

Started following people who repost me because they clearly have good taste.

Haters will call it “undiagnosed clinical narcissism” but what do they know?

[fauxpapi]

Standing at a cork board with a note that says “funny?” And a note that says “Idaho shark attack” whilst holding a red string and shaking my head vigorously.

They are connected, but something is missing.

[fauxpapi]

Apparently I’ve liked cocaine memes at such an alarming rate that instagram is transferring me to crack memes.

This is especially alarming because I don’t do cocaine, I just think it’s a fun comedic concept.

It’s a slippery slope