I wish I had never fallen in love, because then I would never know how dark love can become. I would not be filled with so much doubt and self loathing. I would not be afraid to give my all to someone.
But I know that if I am lucky enough to have someone who loves me back, I will never give myself fully. There will always be paranoia. Over his ex, over his phone and his facebook. There will be no trust before trust can even be established. I will lie awake at night wondering if he is thinking of someone else, flirting with someone else or dancing with someone else. I will never be good enough, skinny enough or pretty enough. I will always feel like I am clingy, like I am silly, and like my head is full of fluff.
I wish I had never fallen in love because now I don’t know how to love and I am scared. I do not want to give my personality, give my history, my fears, my desires, my pet hates and things I love to someone else. They can take all my information, promise me things, and declare their feelings and then the next day smash it into a million pieces. The next day they can drive away and never look back. Forget the history and turn it into a memory they laugh about with friends.
I wish I had never fallen in love because now I know what it is to be hurt. I know what it is like to have your soul destroyed. To be torn into two and lose all sense of living. To not be able to eat or sleep. Those nights spent when you are so hollow but you have so much pain. It hurts. When songs or words can break you down. When fond memories leave a bitter taste in your mouth. And you realise things will never be the same and that strange feeling of what you will lose and have already lost. The family you got to know; you no longer have the right to know what they are doing. Those friends you bonded with will never talk to you again. Some new girl will eventually sit at the table and you will be a dirty word talked about. Someone to laugh over and compare. All those whispered promises, giggling kisses in the dark, and memories made become nothing.
I cannot fall in love again. I understand love ends, love will finish and love will run out. He will grow bored, he will love his ex, he will cheat on you and dance with other girls, he will look at others and wish he could be with them. He will buy you presents but the words are empty and rehearsed. He will be unhappy and desperate for a way out. That glowing, honeymoon love will no longer exist and it will shatter. Love does not last
I am so lonely but I am so scared to fall in love again. My soul and heart cannot take anymore tearing. I am destroyed enough without love. I don’t think I could take any more hurt and ache.
I cannot let myself fall in love
Copyright 2014 to me gms10807
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