Broken beyond repair💔

**TRIGGER WARNING! This is like my anonymous diary. I want to relate with all of you and help if I can. I ALSO DONT PROMOTE ANY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR.

[weighted-hearts]

I hate when people say “ you don’t look anorexic.” Like it’s a look and not a mental disorder. 6% of people with eating disorders are actually underweight!

[weighted-hearts]

Why is it that people need to see pain in order to validate that it’s real? So annoying.

[weighted-hearts]

When people think I’m okay because I stopped self harming and recovered physically from my eating disorder. I’m actually not at all okay and very suicidal. I’m just not using those coping skills atm. My brain is still just as messed up.

[weighted-hearts]

I need a reason to stay here.

Reasons to stay:

1) My Guinea Pigs

2) To prove to my family I can make something of myself.

3) Stop this messed up family cycle.

Reasons not to stay:

1) My presence only hurts people

2) I cant escape my family… not even through getting a job and moving out because that would require me to quit working towards my dream job.

3) I’m stupid and have no adult skills

4) All I do is take up space.

5) Nobody can handle my emotions and I’m im constantly invalidated and gaslit.

6) I’m tired

7) childhood and current trauma take over my life

8) I have very little independence no matter how hard I try to break free.

9) my family will be happier without me.

10) I’ve exhausted all mental health services and been fired by tons of them for being too ill.

11) I can never be in a relationship due to sexual assault trauma…I’ve tried.

12) My insurance will stop this year so no more therapy for me.

13) This world has went to shit.

[weighted-hearts]

Love getting attached to my middle aged therapist who reminds me of a mom...love that for me lol.

[weighted-hearts]

I never thought my eating disorder was real cause I was never severely emaciated. Yes I was underweight and yes I had a feeding tube at one point, but people would always make comments like "You are extremely skinny, but it doesnt look like you have an ed". Now my brain is constantly like prove it to yourself and get THAT skinny. Then another part of my brain is like, that's so stupid and will only make you more miserable. Anyone relate or am I just crazy lol?

[kgdiaries]

i want to be 90s/2000s skinny

[recaption]

[myburdenalone]

[weighted-hearts]

Does anyone sometimes cut to prove to themselves that your emotions are valid because you've been invalidated your whole life? Cause same.

[imalreadyadeadbitch]

I’m trying so fucking hard and no one sees that. I’m trying so fucking hard to stay alive but my breathing is getting shallow and my heart is beating slower and if I don’t wake up tomorrow just fucking forget about me.

[depression-took-over-my-liiife]

[depressionessoverload]

[stay-close]

It was good for a while, being empty. I didn't hurt anymore. But as time went on, it was like I could hear myself from far away, begging for permission to come back.

— Myra McEntire, Hourglass

[just-a-lonely-nobody]

[weighted-hearts]

My dad straight up told me to stop seeing my therapist. That I should just shove all of my bad feelings down and "put a lid on it". I have never more clearly seen the way he fucked up my head.

[siickangel]

i feel too much or nothing at all // from my journal