getting out of a toxic relationship...
i've never thought I could be this happy

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@fckmenaughty
getting out of a toxic relationship...
i've never thought I could be this happy
it's 4 am and i'm crying. why does everything have to fuck up? why did I wait 32 months... i knew this was a dead end relationship but I waited almost 3 years to finally leave. it's not what you want, it's not what I want. but being in this relationship fully is something you can't do and it's something I can't look past. no matter how hard I try. I can't be with you and not be able to be yours. it's broken me. I broke myself staying for as long as I did. I will always love you.
short plaid skirts are his favorite ā¤
And I held on tighter than you held onto me
Sometimes I do feel like you really love me- but then I remember and that feeling soon fades away. Your belief is that love is not for you right now at this age. And at one point you questioned yourself because I came along and you let me in. After days of thinking, you told me that it wasn't what you wanted right now. I know that beliefs are hard to change but love is rare. So it makes me think that you don't love me enough while I love you unconditionally. What fucking sucks is that i'm crying everyday because it's hurting me that I can't let go.
I don't want to do this anymore. I'm just done with this. It's so fucking easy to love you and that's what makes it so hard for me. My broken heart feels full with you but at the same time it's breaking even more. I want it to be easy to tell you that I don't want you in my life anymore, that I don't love you anymore, that I hate you. Even if it's not true. I just want you gone.
I know you're not into the whole love and relationship crap at this age. I know that you're waiting for it till you're ready to settle down for marriage. I believe it when you say i'm the most special. I believe you when you say that if your mind does change on your belief, I would be the one's arms you fall into. I always thought the first time I fell in love, I would be loved back. You always say that you like me and sometimes you even say the silly 'ily' after I teasingly say that I hate you. I don't care if you don't want to be with me and only me. I respect that you want to do your own thing. But I don't even know how you truly feel about me. And that's what scares me. I said I love you for the first time, face to face, today and I didn't hear it being said back. Just felt my heart pounding faster and your kiss on my lips seconds after.
Quick sketches I have done today. I hope to get better š
I'm not the best but I love drawing.
iām happy at times i really am iām not always the sad girl from those late nights that i shed tears onto that pillow thereās times when iām glowing the smile i put on isnāt fake the dancing and the singing is all me itās all real itās all happiness itās me being that happy girl i was back when i got icecream on those sunny days it feels like a long time ago and yes it was but i feel like iāve been sad for far too long now that i donāt believe that little girl ever existed in the first place iām happy at times but i want to know why at the end of all those moments of being that happy little girl i go back to being that girl from those late nights
I know you destroyed me. And I know that because the only time I pray is when i'm asking for you to love me back.
It's taking everything inside of me to not reply. I want so badly to talk to you. Talking to you takes away my stress. But i'll just be pulling myself more in, when all I want to do is to get out of this unrequited love.
kill my vibe, i'll kill you
peek at some conversations with Daddy. š
Why did you lie to me every day with every single word that you said to me? How can you do that and not feel ashamed or think about what it would do to me? Why did you stay by my side and make me fall even more with each second that passed? How can you do that and still not care for me? Why give me false hope that this was a lasting type of thing? How can you do that if you didnāt even believe in this yourself? Why always assure you loved me everytime I had feelings about us falling apart? How can you do that if you fucking knew you were going to leave anytime you felt like it? You love me. You loved me. Oh wait, why do I keep saying that? No. You didnāt. You never did. You just said you loved me. And I trusted your words. I believed you. Now, how can I believe anyone else? Because apparently itās so easy to lie about love. And itās so easy for me to fall for it.
You donāt care for me anymore. And you donāt think of me anymore. And you donāt talk of me anymore. And you donāt ask for me anymore. And you donāt speak to me anymore. You donāt remember me anymore. And you donāt need me anymore. And you donāt miss me anymore. And you donāt love me anymore. And most importantly Iām not the one for you anymore.
And iām letting go. Iām learning to let people go. For different reasons. I will always, no matter how hard I try not to, end up having feelings toward the guys I start ātalkingā to. Itās fun when it all starts because thereās nothing to worry about the first few days. But then I have to say goodbye because I know feelings will begin to form. I may have let it gone too far, twice. They both told me they loved me. One left me for a ābetterā girl who hadnāt even had her first kiss yet, who was christian like he was, and as he put it, she was āoffering betterā. He came back when they got in a fight and were on a break. But I told him to stop being a jerk and be the sweet guy I once knew before it all went down. I wasnāt for him then. That means iāll never be. So I didnāt go back when he contacted me for sexual needs. It hurt. Both that he just wanted me for that and that I told him to go back and fight for the girl he left me for. Itās all for the better though, right? The other didnāt leave, but he might as well. He admitted he loved me. And I know he means it because he is such a manly piece of ass, you canāt believe. He thinks heās all macho. After confessing, he said that that was the first and last time he will ever admit those words. But he said it again a few minutes later, which was cute. He doesnāt actually want to be with me though because of the miles between us. Not much, we have met before, but itās too much for us to be seeing each other back and forth constantly. And thatās alot for him. I shared too much with him and so has he and itās so hard to talk to someone else without him coming to mind. He doesnāt want a relationship but wants to be the only one for me. And i'm thinking what if the best thing to do is let go? My friend set me up with her guy friend a week ago. I was contemplating on whether meeting him tomorrow or not. I came to the decision to speak my mind and tell the truth. He told my friend that he liked me, I was a cool person. She warned him I get attached. He said and I quote, āThen I have someone to have fun with. Shes a cool girl. Itās not like ima fuck and leave. Letās put it like this, if she leaves I wonāt have a problem but I wouldnāt.ā And I told him. I told him that I would not continue this bullshit. He wanted fwb because he wasnāt offering commitment any time soon. But I couldnāt do it because I am very well aware I will gain feelings. So I let go. I said goodbye. I hate that it will continue to hurt because all the guys I come across donāt want me. When will I find the one? Iām sick of the tears, my eyes fucking burn.