happy days

college student

[fckmenaughty]

getting out of a toxic relationship...

i've never thought I could be this happy

[fckmenaughty]

it's 4 am and i'm crying. why does everything have to fuck up? why did I wait 32 months... i knew this was a dead end relationship but I waited almost 3 years to finally leave. it's not what you want, it's not what I want. but being in this relationship fully is something you can't do and it's something I can't look past. no matter how hard I try. I can't be with you and not be able to be yours. it's broken me. I broke myself staying for as long as I did. I will always love you.

[fckmenaughty]

short plaid skirts are his favorite ❤

[fckmenaughty]

And I held on tighter than you held onto me

[fckmenaughty]

Sometimes I do feel like you really love me- but then I remember and that feeling soon fades away. Your belief is that love is not for you right now at this age. And at one point you questioned yourself because I came along and you let me in. After days of thinking, you told me that it wasn't what you wanted right now. I know that beliefs are hard to change but love is rare. So it makes me think that you don't love me enough while I love you unconditionally. What fucking sucks is that i'm crying everyday because it's hurting me that I can't let go.

[fckmenaughty]

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm just done with this. It's so fucking easy to love you and that's what makes it so hard for me. My broken heart feels full with you but at the same time it's breaking even more. I want it to be easy to tell you that I don't want you in my life anymore, that I don't love you anymore, that I hate you. Even if it's not true. I just want you gone.

[fckmenaughty]

I know you're not into the whole love and relationship crap at this age. I know that you're waiting for it till you're ready to settle down for marriage. I believe it when you say i'm the most special. I believe you when you say that if your mind does change on your belief, I would be the one's arms you fall into. I always thought the first time I fell in love, I would be loved back. You always say that you like me and sometimes you even say the silly 'ily' after I teasingly say that I hate you. I don't care if you don't want to be with me and only me. I respect that you want to do your own thing. But I don't even know how you truly feel about me. And that's what scares me. I said I love you for the first time, face to face, today and I didn't hear it being said back. Just felt my heart pounding faster and your kiss on my lips seconds after.

[fckmenaughty]

Quick sketches I have done today. I hope to get better 😕

[fckmenaughty]

I'm not the best but I love drawing.

[fckmenaughty]

i’m happy at times i really am i’m not always the sad girl from those late nights that i shed tears onto that pillow there’s times when i’m glowing the smile i put on isn’t fake the dancing and the singing is all me it’s all real it’s all happiness it’s me being that happy girl i was back when i got icecream on those sunny days it feels like a long time ago and yes it was but i feel like i’ve been sad for far too long now that i don’t believe that little girl ever existed in the first place i’m happy at times but i want to know why at the end of all those moments of being that happy little girl i go back to being that girl from those late nights

[fckmenaughty]

I know you destroyed me. And I know that because the only time I pray is when i'm asking for you to love me back.

[fckmenaughty]

It's taking everything inside of me to not reply. I want so badly to talk to you. Talking to you takes away my stress. But i'll just be pulling myself more in, when all I want to do is to get out of this unrequited love.

[fckmenaughty]

kill my vibe, i'll kill you

[fckmenaughty]

peek at some conversations with Daddy. 🙂

[fckmenaughty]

Why did you lie to me every day with every single word that you said to me? How can you do that and not feel ashamed or think about what it would do to me? Why did you stay by my side and make me fall even more with each second that passed? How can you do that and still not care for me? Why give me false hope that this was a lasting type of thing? How can you do that if you didn’t even believe in this yourself? Why always assure you loved me everytime I had feelings about us falling apart? How can you do that if you fucking knew you were going to leave anytime you felt like it? You love me. You loved me. Oh wait, why do I keep saying that? No. You didn’t. You never did. You just said you loved me. And I trusted your words. I believed you. Now, how can I believe anyone else? Because apparently it’s so easy to lie about love. And it’s so easy for me to fall for it.

[fckmenaughty]

You don’t care for me anymore. And you don’t think of me anymore. And you don’t talk of me anymore. And you don’t ask for me anymore. And you don’t speak to me anymore. You don’t remember me anymore. And you don’t need me anymore. And you don’t miss me anymore. And you don’t love me anymore. And most importantly I’m not the one for you anymore.

[fckmenaughty]

And i’m letting go. I’m learning to let people go. For different reasons. I will always, no matter how hard I try not to, end up having feelings toward the guys I start ‘talking’ to. It’s fun when it all starts because there’s nothing to worry about the first few days. But then I have to say goodbye because I know feelings will begin to form. I may have let it gone too far, twice. They both told me they loved me. One left me for a ‘better’ girl who hadn’t even had her first kiss yet, who was christian like he was, and as he put it, she was “offering better”. He came back when they got in a fight and were on a break. But I told him to stop being a jerk and be the sweet guy I once knew before it all went down. I wasn’t for him then. That means i’ll never be. So I didn’t go back when he contacted me for sexual needs. It hurt. Both that he just wanted me for that and that I told him to go back and fight for the girl he left me for. It’s all for the better though, right? The other didn’t leave, but he might as well. He admitted he loved me. And I know he means it because he is such a manly piece of ass, you can’t believe. He thinks he’s all macho. After confessing, he said that that was the first and last time he will ever admit those words. But he said it again a few minutes later, which was cute. He doesn’t actually want to be with me though because of the miles between us. Not much, we have met before, but it’s too much for us to be seeing each other back and forth constantly. And that’s alot for him. I shared too much with him and so has he and it’s so hard to talk to someone else without him coming to mind. He doesn’t want a relationship but wants to be the only one for me. And i'm thinking what if the best thing to do is let go? My friend set me up with her guy friend a week ago. I was contemplating on whether meeting him tomorrow or not. I came to the decision to speak my mind and tell the truth. He told my friend that he liked me, I was a cool person. She warned him I get attached. He said and I quote, “Then I have someone to have fun with. Shes a cool girl. It’s not like ima fuck and leave. Let’s put it like this, if she leaves I won’t have a problem but I wouldn’t.” And I told him. I told him that I would not continue this bullshit. He wanted fwb because he wasn’t offering commitment any time soon. But I couldn’t do it because I am very well aware I will gain feelings. So I let go. I said goodbye. I hate that it will continue to hurt because all the guys I come across don’t want me. When will I find the one? I’m sick of the tears, my eyes fucking burn.