Today I will use Tumblr as my void to scream into because I have no one I can tell all this to.
Last night my friend and I were talking and I said to her that I am not valued by a single man alive. She went to disagree but then stopped and thought and thought about it and when she finally looked at me again she was almost crying because she knew it was true.
I have no close male friends, barely any male friends in general actually (literally 2 and one is engaged to my friend) and the male mates I did have years ago ghosted me, 90% of the relationships I’ve been in with men they have only used me or worse, much much worse, and I am no contact with my father.
I am surrounded by wonderful, beautiful women that make me feel valued and seen and safe but I have not felt those things from a man in well over 5 years.
It hurts to realise I am nothing but a body, if that at all, in the eyes of men. That I am of no real value, that I am not worth putting real effort into, that I am not worthy of being seen and held and known. It’s been almost 6 years since my partner died and only last year did I sleep with someone for the first time again and even though they were a friend and were kind to me I just felt so cheap, like I’m disposable.
What did I do or am still currently doing that make men only want to touch my skin but not my heart? I don’t feel like I’m beautiful enough to be only used for my looks and body but no one wants my smiles or humour or the warmth of my soul, only the warmth of what’s between my legs wrapped around their cock.
I know seeking male validation isn’t healthy and I don’t but after 5+ years of feeling like nothing at all I just want to feel important, like a man genuinely cares about ME not just my body. I’m not even asking to be loved I just want to feel valued.
How sad is that? I’m not even asking for real love, just to valued as a human being and not just some hole to fill.
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