tape 6, side a

[kotutohum]

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

the sum of hannah’s weekend can be added up to seventy-two hours of awkward radio silence, a couple dozen mixtape loops, and an always present string of thoughts that occupied her brain with friday morning’s escapade. thankfully for her sanity, it’s a new week and she’s got an untouched schedule to fill with different things to contemplate. OR so she thought – here comes the one thing her mind just can’t seem to defer from. “ happy monday ? ” shoulders reach their peak as her limbs reach behind her frame, her paws gently slapping the pockets of her jeans before they slide into the denim. she’ll shift her weight between the heels of her converse and the balls of her feet.  “ now there’s two words that i don’t quite think belong in the same sentence. ” she’s counting her blessings that his sentence didn’t involve anything that hinted towards the past weeked though. her cheeks aren’t exactly ready to look like her makeup routine involves a heavy hand with rouge. ears tuning out the school-induced chaos around her, she hones in on clay and the request she’s not even quite sure she’s heard correctly. “ wait – ” premature wrinkles are already corrupting her forehead. “ you’re asking me to be your date ? to a halloween party ? ” her tone rings slightly condescending, brows raising upward as if a puppeteer has pulled her strings taught. “ you’ve gotta be kidding me. ” she’ll allow her theatrics to set in before giving the jig up. hand freeing itself from the confinements of her pocket, it reaches to slip beneath the strap of clay’s backpack. digits coiling around the fabric, she gently tugs. “ because i was kind of hoping someone would invite me to one. ” enamel now in the mix, a genuine grin falls upon her lips. “ does this mean we have to do matching costumes ? ”

her response was expected, but that didn’t mean clay was looking forward to it. to even be standing in front of her was progress from where his head was at two days ago – hell, he was already planning his escape routes to avoid the prime awkwardness. but like anything, they were pretty good at avoiding what they didn’t want to acknowledge. “ no jokes here. and if it’s any incentive, it’s not at my house. ” king thin and nervous himself was trying his best to make a joke – somehow it didn’t seem as forced as usual. “ wasn’t sure if you were big into halloween. some girls are, some aren’t. ” he shrugged, taking her hand along with him as it was now latched on his backpack strap. “ matching ? i’unno, are we THERE yet ? ” hopefully one attempt at a joke wasn’t his quota for the day.  

[fearedloving]

before last weekend, clay had never been so confused about where he stood with someone. to anyone outside his own head it’d be pretty fucking obvious: hannah liked him, and he liked her. that be the end of it -- but not for clay. your favorite textbook overthinker was back where he had started, but this time, with less reason to be that way. with all the bullshit hannah had gone through this semester, clay still couldn’t get it through his head that she wouldn’t have done what she had with him unless she liked him – but it still just seemed too good to be true. anxiety was calling, and three outfit changes and a skipped breakfast later, clay was ready to try and ignore his own head and the possibility that what happened two days ago may never happen again. luckily for him, a ten-minute chauffeured ride to school with tony proved to be the perfect distraction. perfectly selected 8-tracks thumped as they discussed throwing a party for clay’s favorite holiday ever – halloween. and to make the night even better, tony was more than willing to throw the gig at his place. as they walked into liberty side by side, tony couldn’t drop the joke about how clay’s dad couldn’t cockblock him from across town. clay mall-walked to his locker in hopes of seeing hannah at hers, too eager to wait to tell her about their plan. he’d stop at his locker to act busy, buying him a few seconds to gather his cool before striding over her way. “ hey, happy monday, ” fucking lame, jensen. that’s the best you got? clearing his throat, he adjusted the strap of his backpack that seemed to be gaining weight the longer he stood in place, “ tony and i are having a halloween party this weekend – would you uh, like to come? ” quickly realizing where that could sound plain, he quickly catches himself, “ with me. like, as my date.”

[fearedloving]

if this was the dark side, clay was pretty sure he could go without the sun ( was it really that important ? ) – he’d at least contemplate it until he needed to come back up for air. clay couldn’t help but notice how this was so much more intense than the first time, not to mention less timely. he felt pressured then; by his own thoughts, jeff, the party; now he was thinking that it just wasn’t the right time for them together then. but if any of their kisses following this one made him feel how he currently does, then he thinks it could be forgotten. he wondered if she felt the same. he’d blame his brain, but clay wasn’t going to lie and say that he hadn’t pictured what hannah would sound like moaning before – and it sounded just as good as he’d imagined – so much so, it caused his arms to give out a little from holding up his own weight. “ can’t say i pegged you for the eager type, ” there’s a small chuckle after, but it’s far from sadistic. if anything, he was just getting more turned on by seeing how little he did and how much it affected her. his blue eyes bug at the firm grasp at the front of his jeans, even his neck was beginning to strain from clay trying to bite his tongue that his vein was beginning to show. but he’s sure the “ holy fuck, ” he just choked out would be enough to boost her ego for the next few minutes. alright, honestly, he wasn’t prepared for this, nor did he expect it when she came over. if she didn’t feel pressured, he’d make sure his constant worrying would disappear long enough for them to enjoy themselves. after all the shit they’ve been through, they deserved this, right ? she deserved to feel good. “ i think it could be a dangerous thing putting this in my memory’s arsenal … i – ” before he can even start to be a smart ass, she’s shutting him up and secretly, he’s thankful. he’ll let himself focus on the way their mouths move together, his hips rutting upward into her hand like he’d done too often to his own at the thought of her. the tip of his tongue protrudes from his lips just enough to pierce the space between hers, a silent beg to let his get to know hers – the thought of it alone was enough for a strong vibration to shake between them. he let his head focus on not letting his kissing get too sloppy while he pawed at the button on her jeans, just enough to release some pressure as a kind gesture – she was doing it for him, after all. once her hands work away his jeans enough, he’ll take over and kick them down his legs, shaking them eagerly to rid himself of the heavy fabric while making sure not to break the kiss. feeling bold, ( thank you, marijuana ) clay will take a gentle hold of her hand to wrap it around the firm bout of sexual frustration standing tall at the front of his boxers, breaking the kiss for some needed air before swollen lips begin to take care of the skin atop her collar bones, his hands at a halt at the top of her jeans waiting for a green light.

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

SOUND: reverberations of an indie rock track ( you & me by seagulls to be exact ) mingles with the thud of an overly anxious heartbeat. SMELL: the combination of vanilla body splash and the slight scent of marijuana still on their breaths should likely be bottled, titled ‘teenage hormones’ and sold in bath & body works. SIGHT: a well groomed, clean cut clay jensen gifts her line of vision with a picture she’d store away for future daydreams. TOUCH: the pads of her fingers leave feverish prints against his midriff as if his skin is a crime scene and she’s the main culprit for the proof of affection. TASTE: oh, no. she’s lacking here and her entire frame knows it. perhaps she’d give up all of her other senses just to have this one. while the anticipation for his taste is throwing her stomach for a loop, no complaints are in range. it’s a slow burn ; the type that holds your thoughts for hostage, making the outside world beyond the four walls of clay’s bedroom somehow entirely irrelevant and she’s putty in his hands – or so he thinks. “ a challenge i’m betting you’re up for, ” her syllables ring clear despite the strain that’s coating each of them. anchored in close to clay, she’s more than enjoying the dominance that he’s asserting. “ i dunno. ” close enough to where his nose melts into the soft of her cheek, she’ll hover before directing her mouth elsewhere – hoping she could somehow manage to feed into the game he’s playing in order to not wave the white flag of kissing him first. leaning in, the warmth of her breath passes his jawline. she’ll find her resting spot in the crook of his neck, her lips speaking the words against his skin. “ i think you maybe need to prove it. ” the paw that was teasing his front has now made it’s way to his back, her nails gently raking swirls against his skin.

this may come off as hard to believe, but clay jensen has not kissed a lot of girls – if he had, the coveted gay rumor of 2015 probably wouldn’t had started to begin with. but quite frankly, the previous dating-downer was completely irrelevant now. with slight paranoia of fucking up taking a seat comfortably in the back of his mind, he wasn’t going to let that interrupt the one scenario he’d broke from overplaying in his head too much. soft lips on the side of his neck cause the adjacent hairs to stand up, his jawline tightening and retracting as his nostrils flare – final verdict: she was too good for clay’s own safety. a combination of hannah and a joint melted his senses and turned them on overdrive, the nails against his back causing a quick rut of his hips both out of shock and desperation. the voice of a turned on teenager will break-up the sounds of his heavy breathing, “ i think you’re evil, hannah baker. ” well, at least the dominance lasted for a few minutes before clay broke. the slow burn was probably for the best – after all, clay didn’t want to seem overly eager. ( but he was, and there was probably numerous factors that made that obvious ) after a final mental FUCK IT, clay doesn’t rush, but moves enough to untuck her lips from their newfound home on his neck. a palm moves back to her waist, using just enough force to flip the girl from her side to her back. and after way too much buildup, clay’s lips are back with hannah’s. it wasn’t as rushed as they had been at bryce’s party, but clay’s form is right back fitting between her legs as his left hand’s index finger will push underneath the hem of her shirt, nail tugging against her skin before the limb links on the waistband of her jeans, tugging at them gently to try and pull her closer into him. fuck, fuck, fuck. it was slow and heated, purposeful friction caused a dry heat to breakout between them – and this was a feeling he was familiar with. with a newfound need to breathe, clay will break their official second kiss and drop his head right beside her ear, a completely raw and real moan was unsolicited and for once, was not made just to frustrate her, “ i have thought about that every day for the last two weeks … ” out of want for her, he probably sounded desperate – and he is. his hands are roaming her skin for something to hold, feeling like the heat radiation will cause lacerations against his own, “ and before that, too. ”

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

she’s being lulled by the softness of his voice ; the scruff in his timbre somehow sounding more melodious than any of the tracks on his mixtape and it’s got her wondering why he didn’t dedicate the cassette solely to sweetened whispers. “ mm. ” she’s typically the cool, calm, and collected one but she’s hardly able to articulate anything other than a single hum. dare we coin her as flustered ? she’s not the one to blame though. her fondness for clay has merely grown over the past week and here he is presenting her with an improved reenactment of a past memory she’s yet to forget. ocean’d orbs ping-pong around his face as if his skin is printed with a story that her vision craves to read. they’re close – too close to quiet the desire that’s only rising. inches separate the two and hannah’s breath is hitched ; her brain signaling that she must be stuck in some sort of gas chamber with clay being the only molecule of oxygen left. her palm will act as though it has a mind of it’s own, snaking beneath the hem of his shirt to press against his midriff. his skin sets fire to her palm as if she’s just laid it flat on a stove stop and she swallows the burn that’s made it’s way to her throat. “ you haven’t exceeded them just yet, ” her tone hushed. “ but i think we may be getting there. ”

for future measure, at least clay now knows to probably never smoke with hannah again unless she enjoys having a hormone-laden clay jensen try his damnedest to get close to her -- well, closer. his jaw is locked as tight as a steel trap as soon as her hand ignores his shirt and goes right for whats underneath -- an unexpected surprise that only made each moment seem longer than the last, and more intense. she’s got to be able to feel his heart, he can even fucking SEE it come alive underneath his shirt. but if she’s playing a game, he thinks he can play too. “ that sounds like a challenge, ” even in the midst of clay being two seconds away from his breaking point, he’ll keep up the banter. a large palm mimics her action, pushing up just the hem of her shirt to lay a bare hand on the skin of her waist, a gentle pull will release any free space of its duty of staying between them. he’s moving slow on purpose, feeling their hipbones kiss before they even can. “ before i move another inch, i just want to make sure you’re good with this, ” clay’s still got to double check -- and he probably will keep doing that until she makes him stop. while clay finishes his speech, his palm slides from her waist to the small of her back, his lips barely giving her any room to respond, “ but don’t think you need to double check with me about if i want you or not. ”

[anothermusic-blog]

Visit Original Link

[fearedloving]

radiicn: 

you’re talking while you’re fast asleep as i walk slowly from your house. back in your room remain the words i wanna say to you but couldn’t leave my mouth. the stolen boombox dutifully plays the next track ; this time an infectious rhythm that the teenager would later spend the following week looping until each bassline and riff was permanently embedded into her memory. “ it would be fun. it’d be like prom all over again except our dancing would probably cause a few more stares. ” his touch directs her next movement as she shifts from her back to her side. one hand under her head, she’ll use the other to tap along to the beat against the limb that’s serving as clay’s makeshift pillow as she listens to the explanation that was far from expected.   for all hannah knew, her former coworker threw in the towel because he couldn’t deal with anymore butter spills. she wasn’t complaining though. truth be told, work felt less like work when clay was there. he had a habit of making generally everything a lot more bearable. the boy’s sentiments somehow seep to her subconscious, causing the morse code she was tapping against his arm to switch into continuous lines – her fingerprints dragging themselves against his skin in circular motions.  “ i’d only want to start back if you did it with me. ”

hannah was unknowingly infectious and clay was more adoring of her as the seconds passed. he looked at her in awe — for a collection of reasons — but always came to the same conclusion: he’s really fucking glad she’s still here. as the music stayed steady, clay’s heartbeat was not. he was overwhelmed, and all his senses were currently attracted to one thing and one thing only: hannah baker. maybe he was high, but clay was almost positive he could see sparks coming from her fingertips, the thing causing a slightly painful tingle that quickly followed after each swipe. “ i honestly don’t think i can get much work done around you anymore … ” not that he ever could, but this was the first time he’d vocalize it. his voice was low and gruff and he felt out of his mind, “ not that i mind really. ” unconsciously, clay began to slowly drift closer to hannah’s face, like he’d done only once before. this time though, he was going to try and drag it out a bit. he was feeling bold, his face coming to a halt a mere few inches away from hannah’s. “ alright, give me a half-time review — would you say i’ve exceeded your expectations so far ? ”

[emilieblunt]

So… you tutor him in academics and he tutors you in… Girls.

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

she’s nodding, agreeing with the opinions that she wasn’t aware she shared with clay prior to being in his bedroom. “ yeah, ” she notions over towards the wall. “ i actually have the same poster. i saw them in concert for my birthday but it was probably more of a ‘ hey hannah, we’re moving right after you turn 17! so here’s a concert ticket to distract you from the blow!’ type of deal.’ to be fair, i was distracted for a solid week. we were packing boxes and all i could think about was replaying the memory of hearing ‘ready to start’ live. ” here comes the fast-paced, nearly incoherent rambles that the marijuana has invited to join their hangout. spine melting into the cushion that lulled clay to sleep each night, she lays flat on her back while the digits from her right hand absentmindedly travel to her opposite wrist. she fidgets with the bandage that conceals her battle scars, running her fingertips against the corner that had slightly lifted from the adhesive being worn down. “ i feel different.. but it’s a good different, ” her head turns to clay, orbs roaming his features before her neck brings her gaze back to the ceiling. “ it’s kind of like if my mind was a row of theatre seats at the crestmont, completely covered in gum.. the whole seat, even the arm rests.. and the joint was someone scraping all of it off for minimum wage.. or, well, however much you paid for that. ” is she making any sort of sense here ? a small laugh escapes to tango with the indie music that’s filling the airwaves around them. her hand falls down to the sliver of mattress that’s separating their two frames, her fingers searching for something to fidget with. it’s only a matter of time before her high wishes to sporadically change the tone of the topic and before she knows it, she’s blurting out a question. “ why’d you quit the crestmont ? ” 

“ well if it’s any consolation, i’m really glad you moved here. i’m sorry it was shitty, though ... ” he’s trying his best not to dwell on the negative, but he doesn’t think his junior year would be half of what it has been if he hadn’t met hannah. “ i’m super jealous you got to see them live -- was it as good as i’ve dreamt it being ? ” but before she can answer the question, clay’s rambling off again, “ i think we should go to a concert ! that’d be fun, right ? i think it’d be fun. ” just ask her on a date you high, shy bastard. “ fuck ... that’s good, i think ? that sounds good. i just didn’t want it to scare you or anything. that’s all. ” his palm rests on her forearm, an attempt to set comfort against her skin. even his red eyes could see the way she paid attention to her wrists, and he wanted her to heal, in all senses. quite frankly, clay tried not to think about THAT. it was too heavy and made him far too sad -- was that wrong of him to try and ignore its historical existence ? but it was over now and hannah was here, alive, and clay needed to start over-thinking the good instead of the bad. “ uh ... ” clay is shit at hiding his feelings on his face, especially when questions like that come out of left field. “ honestly ? i couldn’t deal with being there knowing you weren’t. i kept picturing you throwing your uniform on the counter ... and i really thought that was the last time i ever was going to see you, ” he didn’t want to ruin their time together or make her feel guilty, so he switches gears, “ after awhile, i realized i just worked there to try and see you outside of school. ” the answer was truthful, but it wouldn't come off as weird, right ? “ did you wanna to go back ? ”

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

an unintentional pout manifests itself amongst her features ; it’s merely her bodies instinctual reaction to clay disturbing the warmth that it’s been steadily collecting. a whimper of sorts leaves her throat before she medicates with another hit. “ as good as tony’s ? ” mind dazed, she’s got no clue as to what gift clay is now searching around the room for. “ you’re really awful at hints, helmet, ” her semantics drip slow. with clay’s focus honed in on finding whatever it is he’s misplaced, hannah takes the opportunity to survey the room. it’s not that she’s looking for anything in particular, it’s just interesting to note what surrounds an area that someone spends a large portion of their time occupying. she was sure a nerdy collection of han solo figurines or maybe a millennium falcoln fashioned out of legos would be adorning every type of surface top but instead she’s noticing posters – and lot’s of them. one in particular sparks her interest seeing as how she, too, has the same print posted against her own wall. “ you’re into arcade fire ? ” she’s not trying to be nosy, just observant. the bit of interest that had just arose would only continue it’s peak when clay gifts the music junkie with a cassette tape. thumbing over the hard plastic, she hasn’t had one of these in her possession since she was using the device to record sounds much less pleasant. she’ll cease the tape between the knuckle of her index finger and her thumb, tapping it against her opposite hand while a simper rests upon her lips. clay’s made her a mixtape and also somehow managed to mock her upon delivery. it’s a twisted combination of the two that brings the smile about. digits reach to pinch the denim that clothes the boy’s thigh, pulling at the jeans that stand before her. “ i go m.i.a. for a week and you’re already a drug dealing thief.. we’ve got to do something about this. ” even with a decent dosage of marijuana coating her personality, she’s still just as sardonic as ever. “ we could start with putting the tape in. ” hannah presses the cassette to his chest, holding it hostage between the pad of her pointer finger and the cotton of his tshirt. “ maybe a little music therapy will do you some good. ” reclining backward, she lays flat on the mattress top, scooting closer to the wall so clay could take the spot beside her if he so chose.

“ i love arcade fire. their music just gives off a ... good vibe. are you a fan ? ” he’d like to call himself a music buff, but he was nowhere near tony’s status of installing an 8-track in his car just to listen to cassettes for the ‘ better quality. ’ another big difference between the two -- clay didn’t have a car. but lets not talk about that. grateful hannah didn’t slap him in his face for poking fun at a ( pretty traumatic ) incident only a few days prior, he’d call the exchange a success. hues widen as he feels pressure against his thigh, just barely -- but it’s enough for clay to mentally lose his shit -- even just for a moment. but he’d play his cards well enough to keep her from running. “ what can i say ? you kept me in line -- i’m a bad guy now. ” with the pressure point moving from his high to his chest, he’s eternally grateful ( and relieved ) that the attention is elsewhere, but his words will distract her from a flushed-anything on the boy, so he’s in the clear. taking a hint, clay muddles over to his dad’s old boombox and hits random buttons until the slot for the cassette tape pops open. stumbling fingers mimic his anxious minds thoughts, worried that she wouldn’t like the music he hand-chose for her. he hits play and makes his way back to his bed, slow as molasses. “ so, ” clay chimes, scooting closer to the brunette beauty with a dopey grin coating his lips, “ how would you rate your first experience with the devils drug ? ” clay’s poking fun at a majority of the kids in their school, who up until about a year ago, he was just like. he’s laying on his side, his left elbow digging into the mattress to stand in for a head rest while his right hand mimics the pinch of the fabric she gave to him a few seconds earlier, “ how is it making you feel ? ”

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

“ wasn’t too bad ? ” her chin gravitates downward towards her chest, her eyes full and drawing north in disbelief. “ i’ve seen asthma attacks less dramatic. i’m surprised you didn’t pat me down for an inhaler. ” she invalidates his sentiment, knowing if anyone else had witnessed her blunder, her cheeks already would have been ten shades of embarrassed. aiming to learn from example, she notes the stoner tutorial and makes a second attempt at mirroring clay. lithesome digits pinch the joint as she takes a calculated drag, allowing the smoke to dance around the confinements of her lungs. hugged between clay’s thighs, she reclines backward – her spine greeting his chest as her frame cushions against the boy. tilting her head back, a cloud of smoke is exhaled with a steady release. “ how’d i do ? ” two hits in and she’s already melting. relaxed against clay, his position is the only pillar keeping her body weight from collapsing onto the mattress beneath them. her hand reaches behind her, snaking itself around the back of clay’s neck so her fingers can linger around the hair at the base. “ hm ? ” a softened hum allocates a single syllable. “ is it a tootsie roll ? i don’t think having the munchies is going to make those taste or look any better, ” she trails off, her eyes still shut as if her lash line had been rimmed with glue. 

“ everybody coughs, y’know ? it just happens. ” and there it was – it was inescapable. there’s no hiding the fact that clay jensen just giggled, out loud, in front of hannah baker. luckily for him, she’d blame the weed. they had never been so CLOSE, and casually so. she fit herself perfect against his form, making him draw warmth her body to his as he held her. “ i think you definitely passed the test. very impressive. ” quite literally the next few hours were a test – to see if hannah could reap any sort of benefit from this like clay had. clay’s face is flushed, hands like hers didn’t usually roam around his form too often and he’s lucky he’s high. otherwise, he’d be neck deep in his over-intrusive thoughts – and luckily for him, he has an excuse to move before he does something he shouldn’t. “ no, it’s not a tootsie roll. ” successfully, she earned an eye roll from the boy before he’ll reluctantly take himself from the comfort of their position. “ i know it probably won’t be as good as tony’s … ” his words fall flat as he wonders around his room, confused feet dancing as they finally remember where they need to go. a few seconds pass and clay hands hannah a cassette tape, both sides filled with hand picked songs he thought she’d enjoy. he doesn’t expect much of a positive reaction from the gesture, but he stands closely in front of the form that’s still sat comfortably on the bed. “ i would’ve just sent you a playlist or burned you a cd, but someone once told me that ‘ it’s not supposed to be easy, ’ but it’s worth the listen, i promise. ” to avoid her fully reaction, clay will reach beside the girl and pick up the rest of the joint, repeating the earlier process. “ and i hate to shock you too much in one day with all this rebellion, but i stole my dad’s boombox if you wanted to give it a listen now. ”

[13rwhyblog]

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

“ aye aye, captain. ” she sits up straight ; her posture proud and attentive as four fingers greet her forehead to salute. “ no tainted gummy bears on this ship, got’cha. ” she’s trusting clay and his recommendations. it’s sort of difficult not to when he’s practically a walking encyclopedia. sure, she’s taught the boy a thing or two ( see also: how to get cute movie goers to make a second trip to the concessions counter for more butter on their popcorn ) but clay’s schooling her on things she’d never imagine would even peak his interest. nodding in affirmation, she allows him to take full reign and lead her into what would be her first smoke session. obeying instructions, her lips curl around the tip of the joint. clay’s firm grasp on her hip is enough to induce a CBD effect ; her muscles immediately feeling at ease within his touch. is there anything better than the first few exchanges when relationships cross the boundary of friendship ? it’s an unfamiliar touch that hannah’s eager to know and with the fever he’s providing with merely his fingertips, she’s following order with no fuss. molten embers signify the newbie to take a hit and so she steals an overly eager breath before her lungs ignite. hunching forward, she burst into a coughing fit. her opposite hand elevates to swat away the smoke that just punched through both her nose and mouth. “ well.. that’s embarrassing.” her tone is groggy and choked but she still manages to fit a grin onto her features. pushing her back close into clay’s front, she places the joint at his brims. “ show me ? ” her gaze ping-pongs between his lips and oceany hues. 

clay knows that he’s no fantastic teacher by any means ( he was still learning all this too ), but he really is trying his best. if he could give hannah some sort of enjoyment out of this, then he’d dub it a success -- otherwise, the evening still needed to play out on its own. eager eyes watch her draw in the first breath, a brow arched as he awaits her reaction. the coveted first cough followed suit, and clay fails to hold back a chuckle. “ that honestly wasn’t too bad. ” he’ll acknowledge her valiant effort, knowing well enough that her first go turned out much better than his own. taking hint that this was their newfound position – for at least a few minutes -- clay sits down flat on the bed and puts one leg on each side of hannah’s thighs, wiggling around to get comfortable ( and closer ) before a joint rests between his lips. it was a simple routine for clay now, so much so he could probably do it with his eyes closed – and he was genuinely happy he got to share that with hannah. igniting the flame from the bic lighter ( ironically, that clay had bought from the baker’s drug store ), the end of the joint becomes engulfed and clay draws in a breath and allows the herb to catch fire, burning his lungs as he takes his few hits and passes it back on to the brunette while it’s still lit. exhaling away from hannah, clay leans forward and rests his chin on her shoulder, “ just focus on your breathing. breathe slow, and exhale. you’ll probably feel it pretty fast … ” his head was already a foggy maze and his speech felt like it dripped out slow. a large right hand falling back to her waist as he fumbles with her belt loop, waiting patiently ( and unbothered ) as the girl finished her turn. “ i have something for you, too, ” clay’s cheek is now against her shoulder blade, his low-toned vibrato vibrating against the fabric of her shirt, “ it’ll seem less lame if you’re high already, though. ” clay chuckles in defense.

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

emotions – they’re the anchor to the human soul. occasionally detrimental when the weight of it all ties you down but vital to being set free once you’ve allowed yourself to feel them. perhaps the only thing worse is the absence of emotion ; a sort of numbness that disconnects you from any and everything.. and that’s exactly what hannah’s experienced for the latter of two weeks now. suppose that explains why she’s jumped at every opportunity to be in clay’s presence. the boy was capable of stirring up plenty of emotions – both good and bad. hell, he’s already had her crying on top of a theatre roof and grinning like an absolute fool simply by holding her hand. clay makes her feel alive – happy to be alive at that and if he’s offering some miracle herb to expand her field of emotion and thought, well, she’s nipping at the bits to take it. “ guess it wouldn’t hurt to try. ” her mien manifests a sort of cautious curiosity. “ you don’t think i’ll have a bad first trip or anything though, right ? ” following clay up the stairs to his room, she flops down on the bed beside of him. she pulls her feet up onto the comforter, limbs folded criss cross apple sauce as she faces the medicine man. “ so. ” she tosses the gummies into his lap. “ when does the fun begin ? ”

“ seriously, only if you want. ” clay is in no position to try and coax this into sounding like some magical experience. smoking isn’t for everybody, and he doesn’t want to promise hannah something he can’t deliver on. this was nerve-wracking — he’s pretty tolerable high, but he didn’t know if he’d have as much reservation on his feelings toward her like he did when sober. but maybe hannah wouldn’t mind a smoke-filled clay. “ i don’t want you starting off on edibles, though. ” clay will snatch the gummy bag off the bed before getting up and hiding it in his drawer. just to be out of harm's way. “ you can’t really control how much you’re getting with edibles. i don’t want to ruin your experience, so … i’ll recommend a joint for right now. ” he’s had one pre-rolled for a while, this the joint being a strain for heavy anxiety and depression — his usual prescription. after a small scavenger hunt for a lighter, clay plops back down on his bed, this time behind the girl. taking her hand in his, he spreads open her palm and places the joint gently against her skin, “ tell me if this is too weird or something, yeah ? ” just to cover his own ass, clay doesn’t want to push something she’s not cool with — it’s hannah insurance, he’s not making the same mistake twice. clay’s knees are sunk into the mattress top, chest pressed against hannah’s back and his face closely adjacent to hers, “ hold the joint between your thumb and index finger and just gently place it between your lips. i’ll light it for you since it’s your first time … ” his left-hand falls to her hip using a decent grip, using it to maneuver around her form, getting a better angle for her to light the end of the joint. “ breathe in once it’s in the flame, okay ? draw in, hold your breath for a few seconds and exhale. ” his fingers curled with slight pressure against her waist, creating a flame and giving her the green light. he had to admit, he was loving every second of this -- he just hoped she liked the feeling. 

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

her fingerprints were already coating a gummy when the teen snatched the sugar away from her. the drawbridge to her mouth lets down, jaw gaping open to signify her disapproval. it’s only until his explanation messily spills out that her features morph into something much more coy. “ a weed card ? ” her brows raise towards the ceiling as if a puppeteer had just yanked her strings. “ you, clay jensen, nerd extraordinaire, have a weed card ? ” to be quite frank, the boy didn’t exactly seem like the type who would let loose with anything that was deemed a drug but under the circumstances, it wasn’t too far fetched. after all, he was claiming it was for medicinal purposes. almost instinctively, her paw reaches around his frame. she’s quick with her actions and leaving little room for him to put up a fight. palm stretching it’s span, she pats his backside until she finds his pocket. digging deep, she retrieves the baggy. “ do they help ? like more than your pills ? ” hannah examines them through the plastic before administering a quick smell test. yup. definitely edibles. “ i’ve actually never even smoked before but i’ve kind of been thinking about it since, yeah, you know. ”

like anything, this could’ve gone two ways -- clay was a lucky bastard. he got why smoking was dubbed a nasty habit, but clay wasn’t about to present hannah a powerpoint on the benefits of medicinal weed -- though he was sure his mom had a pamphlet somewhere. “ hey, not only the cool people do it, ” clay huffs. he’d been on depression medication on and off since freshman year, and was definitely taken off guard when his mom asked if he wanted to try smoking -- but anything had to be better than the side effects of those pills. “ yeah, ” clay answers honestly, shrugging his shoulders as if it was no big deal his mom hooked her seventeen-year-old son up with weed on the regular. the blush on his face says otherwise, but he’d also choose to act like hannah’s hand on his ass was no big deal, either. “ i hated the way the pills made me feel. i was groggy and i just felt like a zombie. but when you smoke a little or eat one of those, it’s like your mind opens up to things you didn’t think you were capable of feeling or thinking. ” cliche stoner defense, but he meant every word. once they’re up to his room, clay closes the door, and luckily for them, clay’s got a window in his room to try and advert the smell. “ if you want to try and feel safe doing it here, uh, that’d be cool. i’ve never done this with anyone really, before. ” sitting at the end of his bed, he nods his head to spot next to him, “ i think it’d be fun. ”

[fearedloving]

radiicn:

she’s feeding off of her surroundings ; soaking up the good vibrations that she’s sadly not as familiar with as a young girl her age ought to be. “ interactive ? that’s more than i bargained for. looks like you’re already exceeding those expectations you were so afraid of. ” surveying the decor, she strikes her converse across the welcome mat and pompously pulls one foot in front of the other as if he’s just rolled out a red carpet. “ oooooh. ahhhhh. ” her eyes navigate the room, half-heartedly hoping to see an embarrassing baby picture on display but before she could load up on any arsenal to later tease him with, clay’s hand is already coaxing her to the kitchen. untangling their fingers, her paws latch to the handles of the refrigerator. swinging the door open, her nose draws into a scrunch. “ mm, yeah. quinoa clusters.. not really my thing. ” she shuts the cold and turns on her heels, a gravitational pull bringing her back into close proximity with clay. just as she’s about to tug on his sleeve and drag him back out of the door to go on a snack run, her gaze spots a small bag of what seems to be filled with haribo. brims roll together as her pointer finger swipes a stray hair out of her face. “ yesss,” the consonant lingers. “ your mom must have knew i was coming. ” already cradling the plastic bag in her hand, she reaches in for what she assumes to be a perfectly normal gummy bear. 

“ is that so ? well, it looks like we can only go up from here. ” the vibe between the pair was off to a pretty solid start, and it was slowly beginning to build clay’s confidence up, piece by piece. the natural progression of a teenager’s graze began on clay’s kitchen, and he knew there probably wasn’t going to be many snacks up her alley -- unless she was some secret health nut and seemingly hid that part of herself away ... well, there was that time she judged him about his tootise roll, and his self-made skittles lunch. but she did think she was better than him with her mcdonald’s salad after all. he’s distracted himself just long enough to leave the girl grabbing a bag of gummy bears that she should not have her hands on. nervously, he stutters quick enough to snatch the bag from her hands before she could hook one -- “ uh, yeah, that’s not gonna be the right snack for you. ” couldn’t she smell that ? maybe clay’s nose was trained to know the difference between a snack and an edible. the latter was probably not in hannah’s best interest right now. “ just so this isn’t like, a weird thing that totally doesn’t need to be a thing -- because it’s not ... gonna be a big thing, like, it’s not going to be in the way. ” can you tell he’s panicking ? “ my mom actually got me a card -- like, a weed card ? instead of pills. more natural ... ” his face is flushed red, sliding the bag of gummy bears into the back pocket of his jeans, “ ... we can go grab food or something, if you want. ” divert, divert, divert.