What I’ve been thinking lately, is that I have been relating our relationship to the abusive relationship in Big Little Lies. How he beats her. How she believes he’ll change. How she still thinks she loves him. How she makes excuses for him. Although you didn’t beat me physically, you have sexually assaulted me. You have emotionally abused me, and I felt like you would change for so long. You loved me, I loved you. I thought I was the problem, that I was the reason that you were treating me like shit. I have emotional trauma from this relationship and everyone keeps on telling me that I should just forget about you and move on. How can I when I have to see you every single day along with your new thing? I see you everyday, and I can’t help but still romanticize the good parts of what we had, the good parts of you. I don’t know how to forget it when it stares me in the face everyday. My coping mechanism is to think through every possible scenario wondering what I did wrong. Why am I fucked up so bad to this point. But it wasn’t my fault, you just don’t know what love is. You are not ready for a relationship, and I don’t think you even really know who you are or love yourself. Why would you be making me, and Michelle, and probably the other girls feel like this? Why? What did we do besides love and support you? I wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you feel sorry for what you did to me. I wonder if you think I am fixed now. I wonder if you are doing the same thing to her. Probably. He did the same thing to the girls before. I don’t know. I wish you didn’t pick UMass, twice. Can you please leave? Go back to your home. This is my home and I need to rid it of you because I miss not thinking of you, or you infiltrating my mind to this degree.
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