5 things a preacher's kid wants to tell their parents
My father and mother were itinerant ministers my entire childhood. I saw my parents read the Bible, pray almost every day, and I watched my father preach the house down on multiple occasions. My parents went to Bible college, drove thousands of miles to attend conferences, and I witnessed my mother lay hands on the sick.
I am a preacher's kid (PK).
Though they did the best they could, there was not one happy day in my house. Thankfully, this is not the situation for every kid growing up in a ministry family. And please know, this blog is not to be critical of the life-changing work every pastor does, but an attempt to help us keep the perspective that our first ministry is family.
I have been a traveling artist for more than ten years and graduated from Bible college. During this time, I met many who pursued homosexuality to spite their Christian parents. I have seen pastors who despise working in ministry because they're scared of being rejected by their parents; and find themselves addicted to drugs, painkillers, or other destructive habits and substances.
Sadly, I have witnessed many PKs fall by the wayside due to neglect, confusion, and bitterness because they couldn’t make sense of their childhood. Many eventually learn that pastors feel ethically untouchable because they do so much good in the community, and their kids are left feeling ashamed they feel the what they feel.
Ultimately, my hope is this article would be a safe place for PKs to feel understood. Here are five statements a PK may feel they want to express to their parents, but for many reasons, they struggle to do so:
“It’s not my fault you were called to the ministry.”
There’s no accountability for a pastor's ambition because of the, “God is calling me” directive, and no kid wants to come between God and calling. However, family is a primary way to keep a pastor's ambition in check. In parenting, there is no guarantee of how your kids will turn out. The reality is most pastors are addicted to the feeling of being needed. Spending time with kids can often feel unproductive, whereas the rush of helping people can be much more fulfilling. Meanwhile, PKs feel ashamed for wanting their dad and mom around more. On top of this, members of the church will praise PK parents for being good mothers and fathers because they put church members first; which is great, but in the process, the kids can become an afterthought.
I recommend pastors build expectation with their children. Tell them you will be busy with ministry but have allocated time to spend together. Pick a day of the week to do something with them that they like. A pastor friend of my mine shared with me how his father would skip service to spend time with his grandson at a professional sports game. This is a great example of going out of your way to show your kids they are your first ministry. It can even be as simple as learning to play their favorite video game or watching a TV show they enjoy.
"Can you not share your disappointments with me.”
As a PK, I often had relationships end suddenly or complicated relationship situations in general. This stemmed from the way my parents managed disappointment. The way pastors handle disappointment is fundamental to their mental health and those of their kids. After my grandma passed away, my father was never the same. At the funeral, he seemed to fall into a dark emotional pit which he never escaped. Every time a relationship goes bad for a pastor, or they undergo a troublesome life event, and they share it with their kids, it's like putting miles on a new car that has never been driven. It wears on the emotional health of their children. When the "poor me" mentality is put on kids they can easily become mad at a situation without having all the information to understand.
My suggestion is to find a counselor to talk to about hardships throughout the year for the entire tenure as a pastor. I don't believe kids should be sheltered from conflict, but I do think it needs to be handled with care.
"I don't want to be a pastor."
In a pastor's home, there is an unspoken thing that happens with kids. The most important kid is the one who will most likely take over the ministry or work in the field. Pastors can sometimes mistreat a kid who is not called to go into ministry by alienating them or disconnecting emotionally. This can happen in any field of work but can be more painful in ministry because the Bible is usually used to justify actions. For example, my father was so disappointed in me for pursuing Christian rap that he put a public announcement on his website condemning what I do. This hurt. When a Christian home becomes more concerned with a kid being in ministry than his well being, you have lost perspective. This is easy to do in the Christian community because being "right" holds a lot of value.
My advice is to resist the temptation of dreaming specific ministerial goals for your kids. Give them as many options as possible on what they could be. Let them know God can use them in any arena.
The African proverb, ”It takes a village to raise a child,” is used on PKs a lot. Church members end up being that village because the kid is at church so much. What backfires is there are people in the church that abuse their authority and take out their frustrations on the PK. And for convoluted reasons, these church mothers or prayer warriors can be beyond reproach. Though these people mean well, I believe when too many people are permitted the right to speak into your life, it can cause divisiveness and anxiety long term.
It's dangerous for kids to not know how they feel when exposed to these types of people, and oftentimes hear perfection-based statements like, “Why are you sad? You got the joy of the Lord!” or “Don't let the sun go down on your anger. God doesn’t like that.” As a PK, your mistakes are treated like sin. This handcuffs PKs later in life; especially after they leave whatever church bubble they were raised in. People in the church community can put unrealistic expectations on PKs because they want them to be an example to their own children. This eventually leads to a PK's childhood being stripped away by the pressure to be perfect.
My recommendation is to show your children how to embrace grace by acknowledging when you are wrong yourself. This healthy vulnerability with your kids will create a bond between you that helps them reject the perfection and flattery desired by others.
“Why am I ashamed of my sexuality?"
In most Christian homes, a kid hears more negative things about sex than positive before they make it to high school. I think most Christians experience this, and when they get married, they have mental hurdles about sex to overcome. Whatever expectations there are in place around sex in the Christian culture, for PKs they are much higher. This leads to shame being the focal point of the gift of sexuality instead of God's goodness. Puberty feels way more awkward than it already is because many of the conversations about it leave them feeling accused of opening the next Playboy mansion before they even know what a condom is. I remember going through puberty and being so scared. Absolutely zero healthy conversation existed in my home about sexuality, and as a result, I thought something was wrong with me when I experienced puberty. Often, the shame kids carry around about sex comes from the parents because of how they were raised or due to personal struggles they are currently having.
My advice is if you are watching a movie and somebody kisses don't make it a big deal and scream "OMG". Feel free to change the channel but avoid anger and being overly emotional about it. Stay calm and natural, and if they are of age, start a dialogue. This will help lay the foundation for connection and openness about the topic of sex that should continue for years to come.
Written by Fedel aka Anthony Flagg Jr.
