lord forgive me. ♡
“do you picture me,
like i picture you?”
CONTAINS: angst, emotional masturbation, crying during masturbation, yearning, softie manon, desperate manon, carnal & emotional need, religious guilt, forbidden love, “god wouldn’t forgive me”, lesbians in a catholic church, comphet, temporal punishment.
SYNOPSIS: manon was well known in her church. not for her wit, nor her personality— but rather her stoicism. despite many of the church members being intimidated by her eerily calm presence— you were different. once manon was made aware of your existence, she couldn’t help but find herself interested in you, as for some reason, you treated her just as any human would treat another. little did she know, her keen interest in you would lead her to wondering if she was still a loyal child of god.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: hello! i’m back with another oneshot.. hopefully this is good! please let me know if anything is offensive or disrespectful as i am slightly ignorant to the catholic church. this was a request by gabsrevival, i couldn’t quite figure out how she would be intimidating but then this idea came to me. ♡
WORD COUNT: 2k.
manon sat outside of the church, she watched as birds flew by. she’d just been reading her bible— just as father had always told her; “indulge in your bible everyday. a day short of indulgence is a day of sin.” she never forgot what he told her— she couldn’t. so, usually around this time, everyday— at 11:30 am, she would sit outside, always reading at least 10 verses— or more, if she’d sinned previously and wanted to be forgiven. after, she would always take in the sunset. she wanted to relax, of course. to admire the beauty of god’s creation is a virtue itself.
she breathed softly, she noticed the birds that had come to sit next to her on the bench— pecking at the wood with their beaks. she closed her eyes for a moment— perhaps to listen to the beautiful sound of what surrounded her— that was god’s intention, of course. then— she heard squawking and the sound of feathers flocking. something had disrupted the birds. she opened her eyes, looking to the side to see a girl standing there— quietly. she didn’t look scared or fearful such as the other church members usually were. she looked rather engrossed.
manon spoke, her voice soft. not harsh, but more curious. “yes?” you shook your head. “nothing. just observing.” you murmured as you slowly sauntered over to her. you didn’t sit down next to her, instead staring down at her. hesitating. “what? do you find my presence intimidating?” she asked curiously. “if i found your presence intimidating, i wouldn’t have approached you.” you replied flatly. manon never left your gaze. “i’m still curious as to why you did approach me.” she murmurs cluelessly.
“i approached you because i found your beauty captivating.” manon raised an eyebrow. “much obliged. i find that you share that same beauty— in a platonic manner, of course. i assume that’s as far as your admiration goes as well, correct?” you don’t reply, immediately deflecting from the question. “i have a proposal.” manon only raised her eyebrow further, she replied with caution. “what is.. your proposal.” she struggled to hold a fair tone— voice tight from the tension coiling in her stomach. something was wrong. “well, i suppose..” you began, you struggled to find the words. “i propose romantic interest in you. i don’t know much about you— but i’d like t—“ you pause, looking down at manon’s form.
her chest is heaving. her heart is pounding in her chest— you can see it from her pulse point. what was this feeling? anger? guilt? love? no, it couldn’t be love. that was ridiculous. impossible. “how dare you.” manon began, her eyes wide as she looked at you. she stood up, pressing her chest against yours. she poked a finger at you. “how.. dare you.” she repeated, her eyes boring into your own. her gaze is almost manic— terrifying. “how dare you even suggest that i would have any sort of romantic interest in you. that i would dare disrespect the man i have devoted both my heart and soul to, who I’ve practically spent my whole life worshipping.”
she backed you up, sending you stumbling back slightly as you tried to stay on your feet. “you are a harlot! a woman of sin! a.. a promiscuous woman!” she stammered out, her eyes wide with anger. “i would never, ever go against gods wishes. how dare you even think to say that to my face! get out of my sight!” manon said, her voice barely shaking with anger. you didn’t hesitate, stumbling and glancing back as you ran away, the grass and dirt staining your dress.
once you’d arrived inside of the church, you rushed to your cell, closing your door and sitting on your bed. tears filled your eyes. you shifted positions, getting onto your knees. you intertwined your fingers. “lord, please forgive me..” you breathed out, tears dripping down your face and onto your bedsheets, soaking the freshly washed fabric. “lord forgive me for suggesting such a thing. wash my mind of sin. wash my mind of any disgusting thoughts of my own sex. please.” you cry out, your head falling onto your mattress as you cried.
the prayer definitely hadn’t worked— because there you stood, outside of manon’s room— a bright yellow dandelion in your hand. one you’d picked yourself. a childish gesture, but still endearing— not to manon, but it would be in your head. you’d asked father for her name— and of course, her room number. using an excuse; “i’d like to be her friend, since she seems devoted to reading the bible, just as i am.” that was a lie, of course. you weren’t devoted to anything. you gently lifted your hand, slowly knocking on the door. “come in.” manon said softly. you turned the doorknob— peaking inside. manon looked up from her bible— and immediately her gaze darkened. she met your eyes, but something about the look on her face was terrifying.
you quickly walked inside, your back pressed up against the wall. “i— i wanted to apologize!” you shouted nervously. manon paused, her gaze slightly calming. “go on.” she said flatly. “i… i’m sorry for denying your devotion of god. i’m sorry myself for even … daring to say that.” you didn’t really mean anything. you just wanted her to forgive you. she paused, sighing before looking back up at you. “okay. what’s with the flowers.” she said, she gestured to the dandelions in your hand. “oh— they’re for you.” you murmured, handing them to her. “childish, but endearing.” your eyes widened slightly. you thought she wouldn’t— you paused. endearing?
you looked up at her, your face red. “are.. you saying that—“ immediately, manon’s head shot up. she looked at you with disbelief. “minutes after you apologize. you are ridiculous!” she shouted as threw the dandelions on the floor. “i have had enough. i’m telling father about this!” she shouted. your eyes widened. “nononono, manon please— please you can’t!” you begged, tears filled your eyes as you latched onto manon’s arm. she tugged her arm away, was rushing out of the door. you followed behind her quickly, trying to stop her.
but then— she grabbed your wrist— she walked down the nave and shoved you over to the pastor, her gaze filled with anger. “father! this harlot— this woman of sin— she’s been asking me out with romantic interest since yesterday! she is ignorant to god’s beliefs!” the pastor’s eyes widened. “is this true?” he asked, looking down at you with disbelief. you couldn’t deny anything. your mouth fell open and closed. the pastor furrowed his eyebrows.
“manon, get my ruler.” he said sharply. you felt a lump in your throat. “nononononono, please! father please, i’m sorry! i— i’m a woman of god! i promise!” you begin to sob, panicking as the pastor grabbed your wrist— he slammed your hand onto the lectern— you cried out in pain. manon returned, handing the ruler to the pastor. she stood there, watching as he began to slap your wrists with the wood length.
“who are you devoted to?” the pastor demanded, his ruler coming down to slap your wrist once more. sobbed and sniffled in pain. “g—god..!” you cried out, fearful as the pastor raised his ruler again. “tell god what you will not do again!” he shouted, the ruler came down hard against your skin. “i—i will not sin! i will not touch another woman of my sex!” you sobbed out, trembling nervously.
the pastor never stopped his relentless lashings, he continued until your wrists bled. manon sat there— she felt a lump in her throat. guilt. something else? almost as if she wanted to protect you? no, no. of course not. you needed punishment. but why did this feel so wrong?
you sobbed as you walked to your cell, tears streamed down your face. you felt a hand grab your shoulder, your eyes widened slightly. you turned around to see manon. “wh—what..” your voice was soft. your eyes were red. manon swallowed. “i’m sorry. i didn’t.. expect him to.. do that. i just thought father would get you to.. stop.. can i help?” she murmured. you sniffled softly, wiping your eyes. “i—it’s fine..”
“no, it’s not.”
“yes, it is. i’m fine.”
“no, you aren’t! please, just.. let me help you.”
you paused, finally meeting her gaze. “fine.” you gave in, taking her hand. she guided you to the washrooms, taking your wrist and running it under the water. you winced, she looked up at you with slight concern. “just.. breathe.” she murmured softly, attempting to soothe you.
you glanced over at her, and she glanced back. her gaze fell onto your lips— and you realized where she was looking. you blushed slightly, glancing away. her hand come up— stopping you. her thumb pressed below your lip, her index finger tilted up your chin. you met her gaze, suddenly feeling some nerve. she paused, hesitantly leaning in. her breath ghosted over your lips. “lord, forgive me.” she murmured before she pressed her lips against yours.
your eyes fluttered shut. you leaned into the kiss, you tilted your head slightly to get better access. immediately, manon pressed her tongue against your lips. you opened your mouth, allowing her access. you moaned softly into her mouth. immediately, she pulled back, looking into your eyes. she swallowed nervously. she stood up, rushing away.
the water was still running, but nobody was there to turn it off for you. it’d been a couple of days. you hadn’t talked to manon in a while. you stood up, opening the door to your cell. you grabbed your bible, walking outside to sit on the soft grass. you opened your bible— leviticus 20:13. ‘If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.’ you swallowed nervously. upon reading the verse, you shut the bible. it was almost as if god was reminding you of your sin.
you didn’t want to believe that you deserved death. not at all. but with the signs you were beginning to receive, you started to believe that you really did. you were a disgusting woman of sin. a woman that didn’t deserve to live. a woman that— you blinked. you interrupted your own thoughts— as you began to think of manon once more. you stood up, walking inside the church and looking around. the candles were lit— it was dim inside the tall church— the atmosphere was eerily quiet.
you placed down your bible. you walked around the church, entering the washroom. you saw manon filling up a wide bucket, perhaps to wash clothes. you slowly enter. she paused and turned to look at you, but immediately turned away again, swallowing nervously. “yes?” she murmured, waiting for you to say something. “manon,” you began, inhaling sharply. “i—i love you.” she froze. she couldn’t exactly form a response for a rough 20 seconds. then, she spoke up;
“i know.”
“… do you love me too?”
no response.
“mano—“
“what we’re doing is wrong.”
you didn’t reply, completely speechless.
“i love your attention. i find you beautiful. i’m not exactly in love with you, though. you know what you’re doing is wrong. you know that i am a woman of god’s favor. i’m done with everything. as much as i want to be around you, to be with you, not romantically, at least— it’s just not right. you are a woman of sin. you’ve sinned far too many times. god may forgive me— but as for you, i’m not sure. i’ll pray for you. it’s not that i want you to be punished. you just need to find god. you’re different from everyone else. you’re nice to me. you don’t act like i’m a monster— but i wish you were a man sometimes.”
you didn’t say anything. your eyes were watery. you shut the door, walking down the church hall. you shakily opened the door to your cell, sitting down on your bed. you fumbled with the pocket on your dress, you took out the picture of manon that you’d stolen from her room when she wasn’t looking. you swallowed. your hand went around your back— and you slowly unzipped the dress you wore. the white fabric slipped down your shoulders.
as you unclasped your bra, your gaze never leaving the picture that was in your hand. your hand slid up your chest, your fingers slowly circling your nipples. you bit your lip, stifling a moan. the tears that were once threatening to spill fell freely, dripping onto the dress. your hand moved down your body, moving between your legs. you pushed your panties to the side, your finger delving into the soft, wet flesh of your pussy.
you slowly began to circle your clit, a soft, shaky moan escaped your lips. you weren’t loud. you were trying your best to be quiet— imagining manon’s lips brushing against your ear as she told you to stay quiet for her. you felt yourself growing closer— your eyes began to flutter shut. you slowly pushed a finger inside of you. your walls began to clench down on the soft skin of your fingers. your head lolled back, you softly cried out. “oh, manon..” as your orgasm crashed over you, a sharp inhale escaped your lips.
the picture in your hand was now damp with sweat. tears streamed down your face. you sat up slightly, wiping your eyes with your wrist.
you sat there quietly— unaware of the figure that stood outside, watching from the creak of the door— her mouth agape— and her face red. it couldn’t be anyone else but the beauty who’s photo laid just in your hand.
