3 Lost Tomb Charactersâ Guides to Dealing With Wu/Nine Families Issues
1.) Money canât buy happiness, but it can find tomb raids, which are happy (?) and can support your aesthetic needs. Youâre really into jewel tones right now, and itâs reflected in the gear for your next outing. You tried to avoid bringing Wu Xie, both for the disruption to the aesthetic and your sanity, but somehow the most oblivious man alive has a knack for showing up in the wrong place always.
2.) Opera is a coping mechanism and a hobby. Additionally, you look great in the costumes. Work it. Certainly a plus to show up at a Nine Families meeting in full attire, Wang Pangzi always applauds your entrance with a standing ovation and Huo Xiuxiu takes video of peopleâs reactions. The only time you were upstaged was when Wu San Xing, who was supposedly dead (again) at the time, strutted into a meeting at the very end and cast his vote on something before strutting right back out. You can appreciate the power move there.
3.) Tread a fine balance between helping your beloved friend Wu Xie and avoiding the death stares of his boyfriend when you stop by the house. Being dragged on your back through the desert was humiliating, but Zhang Qiling sharpening his sword at the dinner table while staring at you is terrifying. It doesnât help that Wu Xieâs mini-me Li Cu, who also seems to suspect you of trying to purloin his adopted father, keeps referring to you as the Pink Panther. Hei Xiazi somehow found out and now life is hell.
4.) Despite your better instincts, get your own immortal emo boyfriend, even if Hei Xiazi is an absolute imbecile and aspiring sugar baby. Remind yourself about that vague crush you had (and will probably always have) on Wu Xie, the overwhelming evidence points to you being a morosexual. Hei Xiazi isâŠa challenge. But as Huo Xiuxiu points out more than once, youâd never be able to date someone who was easy or uncomplicated.
5.) Itâs okay that you arenât the chosen heir to lead the nine families. Itâs okay that you arenât the chosen heir to lead the nine families. Itâs okay that you arenât the chosen heir to lead the nine families. Repeat mantra until it sounds true. Note that there are probably worse choices than Wu Xie out there, you just need to time to think of some.
1.) Always remind yourself that technically you arenât related to any of these fucking insane idiots. Always remind yourself that being related to someone doesnât mean theyâre family anyway.
2.) Try to avoid The Drama when you canâsure, itâs how you got into this mess to begin with, but more importantly you canât be bothered to deal with The Shoes of The Lettuce King or whatever new bullshit theyâre all obsessed with digging up. Shitâs crazy. Inevitably youâll get involved somehow, but put it off while you can.
3.) You are Team Wu Xie. Doesnât matter if some other familyâs representative tries to go behind his back to try to steal your loyalty with money (fuck right off, boomers), or try to convince you that Wu Xie is a dangerous man to follow (whoa no shit wow really?? good to know, never would have guessed), or claim their group can offer you a place to belong (you have a place now and you know exactly where it is, itâs noisy and dusty and creaky and always smells like homemade soup). You always note down the representativesâ names, Pangzi has a notebook for it that he titled The Shady B*tches Burn Book.
4.) Zhang Qiling is the coolest person ever. Like yeah shit was awkward af at first but like. So cool. Last month, when those creeps broke in? Handled. With ease (this is also the night you learned Wang Meng has a frying pan weapon âfrom last timeâ and zero fucks left to give). Itâs weird, feeling safe. Xiao Ge just has that effect. You kinda get why Wu Xie was so batshit determined to get him back.
5.) Bring your college friends to the Nine Families meetings. It freaks everyone out and they could use the new blood (metaphorically).
1.) Your Idol lives at Wushanju part-time, when heâs not off on missions or wandering. You accept that going to see Zhang Qiling necessarily involves being force fed Pangziâs new recipe and half-listening to Wu Xie babbling about grave etchings. Meanwhile Wang Meng color-codes your modeling schedule, Li Cu steals half your food (while making full eye contact) and Kan Jian blushingly sling-shots flower petals into your hair. You might as well move in here, Wu Xie suggests casually one day, and you donât really have a good argument against it. Wu Xie wants to keep his people close, you realize, and you try not to feel too warm about that.
2.) Always attend the meetings when there is tension. The Wu family is unpopular with most of the other families on a good dayâŠyou know they can technically handle themselves but their heir is also a train-wreck who has almost lost all his possessions several times while pursuing goals so the family needs some nice, sensible, super hearing allies.
3.) Xiao Bai and Kan Jian come to all of your modeling shows. Your Idol came exactly onceâsome designer excitedly tried to recruit him for modeling and he literally climbed out a window to leave the conversation. Still, it is nice to have friends come to your shows, and you save seats for them. You always save extra shoot pictures at their request and itâs a smug and definitely not at all heart-fluttery moment when you see Kan Jian has given your picture pride of place on his dresser.
4.) Allies come in all forms. After your ears get damaged, Huo Daofu is the one who somehow fixes everything while bitching loudly about how no one around here can stay healthy for five minutes the entire time, and you kind of get his deal a little. He leaves you his card, which according to Pangzi is an offer of lifelong friendship, and leaves Wu Xie the bill (which seems astronomical until you figure out their whole situation nowadays, wherein Huo Daofu would be shocked and borderline angry if Wu Xie ever actually tried to pay him back).
5.) Training with the real, actual Zhang Qiling is the best thing ever, so itâs a little disappointing one day when Wu Xie suggests he could spar with you instead for a change. You are a little concerned (and not-so-secretly excited) about kicking his ass in front of your idol. Itâs not a surprise that Wu Xie fights dirty, but it is a surprise that Wu Xie beats you. By out-thinking you every step of the way. Itâs both humbling and (you will take this to your grave) incredibly hot. From that point on you alternate fight-sparring with Idol and strategy-sparring with Wu Xie. Wu Erbai sends you The Art of War as a birthday present, which you realizeâthat is the signal that youâve been fully welcomed into the fold.
