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A lost soul

Forever trying to find the right when I was narrated to be in the wrong. This torment of back and forth. I drift after so long. I can't be saved from the abyss in which I fall. Disappearing into myself, a person of whom I can't tell. Controlled by words spoken over my life. Who am I really? Words of fear, failure and strife.

anything-lgbtqplus

Stop attacking me like this, please.

Vacate the premises. Leave room for the nemesis. Go work a little harder. Go earn a little bigger. Have some weight to your name. Right now you're light. Don't come back until you can cover your slack, her slack, his slack, their slack. Maybe then you can stop renting your space and trading your place. And if you don't, then, movements... Like moments. Freeze in time. Kiss it goodbye. A sigh? Of relief. Give up your things to the thief. Of the night? But day, again, will light and you will find a smile that is just right, just yours...and your heart, will be just hers.

I really do dislike the slick demise to despise what I hold dear to my life. You abuse the openness, the freedom, the fun. You play the game and I see it well. Always. You spin it on my insecurity. What are you trying to make me look like. This is the game ive been in all my life. As the saying suggests, ain't nothing changed but the player. You tip toe I'm and act accepting, for us to be comfortable and there you go, slithering once guards are dropped. All the same. Same endgame. Same mode of operation. Somehow, I'm the one that's wrong. Too judgy, too insecure, too much generalizing. Yet, it always comes to be. From the beginning, from the conception of the thought, to the first play, to the backlash, to the withdrawal, to the second, third and fourth attempt, I see it all. I prepare for it all. I warn of it all but what is it worth...laying in bed wondering when the prey will become aware. Wondering when the prey will be attacked. Wondering when the prey will fall into the trap. The slippery, slimy beings will always be just that. Sometimes I wonder why I have the gift of discernment. Reading ones body language, eyes and mind, even. I'd be less stressed, if I didn't have the premonition. I'd be less resented if I didn't know what was going to happen. I'd feel less embarrassed. Less threatened. Less like a fool. As always, I'm but a hindrance to your setupr, your energy fights mine because I see everything and through everything. You really should stop. What is there to prove. Now you can't stand my presence. Yes sir, I gladly watch you leave the room. The prey, back turned, unbeknownst... the game forfeited, only for now as we wait for the final whistle.

I refuse to back down. I always have. Just let it be. I'm asserting myself. Fuck your intimidation. All of you. Fuck your penis that you think gives you dominion over freedom of choice. Fuck your deep voices and your towering stance. Fuck you. And fuck you. You walk this earth more entitled than any other fucking being. You see it, you want it, why? Fi nthn. Literally. Just because you think you fucking can. Not enough. You have feathers, well me have bomboclaat feathers too. Hide myself? Again? More? When it ago stop? The voice said it will stop when you stop hiding. Stop acting as if you don't have a right to be confident. Dance bitch. Its your party too. All ya gwan, MI ago enjoy myself. Because... Its time to stop. I know where I fucking stand and I'm gonna stop acting like I don't know that. 2018, I see you baby. Be you baby. Free you baby. Its all you, baby.

Seven years ive been under the thumb of weak, insecure men who desperately try to gain a sense of masculinity by trampling over my existence. Seven years you take my relationship for a joke. Seven years you invite me and my partner out, at the expense that I don't touch her, I don't speak to her, I don't act like she's mine, just so you can feel good about yourself. Hpw bout you be genuine and tell her you want to take only her out. But that wouldnt be part of the game, right. See, the game is to show how you can have me have to watch you flirt and touch and whisper without being able to object. Thats the game. You all have played with me for 7years. Sadly though, when I decline, you spin it always, call me lame, call me boring, call me insecure. Then she turn on me saying the same thing. Mfer I ain't gonna drop my pride over a drink I can pay for. I ain't that thirsty.

Most won't understand. But the few who do. I write this for you. We vent in little ways but the emotional and mental oppression is far too deep than words can express in one go. So I try. For us.

#12

Never truly felt like I had you

Was always trying to find you

I had the shell of you

While you

You were out there wandering

Holding onto yourself

The self you knew and wanted to keep

In your mind, that’s where you’d feel free

The shell I had became a prison

A mirror of what I thought you’d be

Fragile casing, handle with care

I didn’t notice, it was hollow in there

I fumbled a little, it cracked n chipped

Soon after it was battered and shattered to splints

All these pieces of nothing before

Piled together in the grave titled

“I loved you more”

#11

Ever felt silenced?

Soul crushed, voice muted.

Spoken to in such a demeaning manner.

Feel everything in you crumple

They grant you voice

The illusion to be heard

Just to not hear

So you scream hoping the message gets through

But it’s blocked just the same

When do they hear you?

When you say nothing

Nothing at all

When you swallow them in silence

They hear, loud and clear

Saying nothing is always a message

......

#10 || Acceptance

Sit in your mess

Feel the sting of the toxins that dwelled within

The stench that wreaked

The look of disgust

Roll around in it and become one with it

Confront everything you’ve harbored - it

Talk to it, curse it, laugh at it, cry at it

And when you’re done, be gone from it

#8 || I’m a swimmer

Thirty laps to a lifetime

Off the blocks, a perfect streamline into your life

Pristine posture, Head tucked, pointed toes

Deep breath. I dive.

Splash, body aligned, arms tight

Kick. I exhale.

The water is cold, as is your world

I adjust, generate the warmth i transfer with each stroke

Setting a pace I can keep

A pace you can keep up with

I stroke, I kick, I breathe

In the waters of your world I tear through

Controlling every motion of my body

Processing the waves moving through yours

I see the wall, deep breath, flip turn

Into the final lap

Deep dive, firm stroke, exhale, slow

1, 2, 3...breathe, 1, 2, 3...breathe

30 laps to a lifetime

Fast to the finish

Tearing through the ice in your world

Ripples ahead, waves behind

The vibrations through the water

Send tremors through the atmosphere

30 laps, I’m finished...

I climb out, I stand at the edge, looking at your world

As the tremors slow and vibrations cease

The water ripples become smooth, I smile

30 laps, I am finished.

#swimmer love sex poetry

#7 || Happy me...

In the beginning what made us work so well was because I was happy

I wanted you because you made me happy

And the happy me made you happy

I lost sight of being my happy self because I was consumed with only making you happy therefore making us unhappy - because I wasn’t happy

Now I’m working on being happy because I have you, who makes me happy — evidently, you’ll be happy too

#6 || For you, Love

I will switch plates with you when you prefer what I ordered

I will make the tea in the mornings

I will wash the dishes

I will pick out your work outfits, iron them too

I will cook the dinner, I will kill the lizards (sometimes)

I will empty the garbage

I will accompany you in the dark

I will be the big spoon, I will give you forehead kisses

I will bring you supermarket treats

I will swing by with something to eat

I will buy random gifts when I think you need an uplift

I will send you little texts to remind you how I feel

I will pump the tires and check the coolant

I will rub your tummy and I will hold you close

I will wake up and bring you a cup of water

I will watch your favorite shows with you

I will make you laugh

I will support your ambitions

I will indulge in your cravings

I will hold your wig

I will choose your purse

I will get ready before you, so I can help you get ready

I will watch your back

For you, Love, I will.

#5 || These, that are true

The thoughts right before bed

Right when you’re about to let go

When you’re at you’re calmest

When you’ve detached yourself from the world

Those thoughts....are golden

They are who you are, who you want to be

They are how you feel

They are the most honest, pure, untainted thoughts

Those are the thoughts that matter

Those are the thoughts I need to give you

The ones that really make me smile

The ones that really make me cry

The ones that calm my soul

The ones that hold my dreams for tomorrow

My regret of today

These ones, that are true

My thoughts in the day are poisoned

Poisoned by impulses and irrationalism

Poisoned by fear and paranoia

Poisoned by my fear of tomorrow

And the regret of my past

Those ones, that aren’t true

The thoughts that stunt my being with you

Those thoughts... “on guard!” They whisper

As you weren’t prepared before

Manufactured fear, beating down my door

Help me, someone! I’m climbing this wall

Sweaty hands, no grip

My glasses have fallen, I can’t see you

I can’t see me...where am I

“Put your foot down”, they whisper

These thoughts which are true

You stand on solid ground “and I am with you”

#4 || In my mind

And everything became so silent, so soon

I sat and listened to humming of the fridge

The spinning of the fan

The birds going in before the outing of the moon

You were gone, away in the dusk

I felt the blood pulsating through my body

I listened to beating of my heart

As I thought myself into the slow of time

I arrived at a place where the beat declined

Trying not think but rather remain

Here, in this place where my mind is clear

The silence is loud

Away in a manger no crib for a bed

The song that begins to ring in my head

You’re gone, but so am I

To this place where I feel a whisk of a high

My mind is free, my body is still

Here is where I will remain

As I am free, at will

#3 || Distractions

You always find your way back

We agree to disagree

Go our separate ways

But again and again, you up the play

Weaken my fight

To keep myself alive

Distractions...

Are now what I need

To forget you exist

Or to even out the narrative

Led by you, the activist

Trying to remain emotionally sane

While you drill me with political blame

Distractions...

Hold me steadfast and true

Because distractions...

Keep me away from you

#2 || The Darkness

I’m tired of not feeling myself

Operating as an empty shell

You take and you tear and you rip

Consuming my insides

Leaving my frame thin and hollow

I can’t breathe, I’m not breathing

Lifeless

Wavering through the pieces of time

That still manage to keep piece of me alive

I don’t want to give up

But I have nothing left to carry me along

Fearless

The darkness has become my friend

Quite familiar are we

Steadily but aggressively becoming one

Filling my hollow shell with itself

But I am filled, filling up

Will you bring back the pieces you took

Will you mend the pieces you destroyed

Or leave the darkness to caress me

Leave her to hold me, to mold me

The darkness has become my friend

I’ll never know who I am

The pieces that make me

Have all been taken

They are scattered across the souls of others

Engraved in their hearts

And I

My heart

Is left cold and empty

With whispers of what once filled it

Only memories only hope only desire

Keep me near

As I feel myself fading away

The darkness has become my friend

The darkness has become my end.

#1|| I know...

I love you still

I know the secrets that you keep

And I respect you still

I do wonder what you’ve done

Yet I want you still

Yes I think about your past

And I’ll hold you still

I see who you are

But I’m trying to know you still

I’ve seen you at your worst

And I love you still.

#love

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