The Weight Of Promise And Possibility Is Too Much

I just have lots of thoughts to share. Mostly just stuff I’ve written + an online diary of sorts Not that it matters but he/him

[felix-feenix]

8/1/25

10:06

So far, you’re the only person whose loved me, for me

Early May I can’t even remember who I was

A stranger so far behind me it starts to feel creepy how much similarities they have

Desperate and in love, neither which really worked out

One lonely night a message popped up and you were there

Something about hair

Dyed teals and rooted reds, and something about arctic fox

You kept the words coming and I hoped they never stopped

They’re skips and loops into the next memory, where I was sick but it wasn’t the enemy

Because I went home and stayed in bed

And texted you everything in my head

Months passed by like a breeze and the tickles of my hair were your words

We flirted, we talked deeper and deeper, we eventually spoke on the phone

Maybe it was the nerves or maybe it was the air but I’ve never known someone like you

Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m right but I think I love you

I like imagining us together doing teen dating things

The idea of marriage seems insane but not if it’s with you

And then a life together with cats, and dogs, big dogs doesn’t seem impossible

And I write this in hope you never see it

Because I know you’d find it weird

That this person you’ve known for 3 months might be a little more glued to you

Then you really think

But I hope at some point I can show you this

And we can laugh at how ridiculous I sound

And hopefully you know that

I’m thankful that you love me for me

I don’t change myself around you

I love myself around you

-feenix

[felix-feenix]

4/20/25

8:25 PM

Toucan highs, bright buzzard lies, when the sun meets the sky, the moon decides to die

My ears popped on the way down a mountain So I can hear my breathing And it’s starting to sound similar to the wind

I like keeping my socks on when I touch the grass. there is a layer between me and the land.

Droplets of cool water beg to drop to their certain deaths. Their capture a rusty metal bar. I wonder what it felt like to be picked up by a cold human finger

I’ve learned that chickens find their food by using their claws. They dig up the ground like a dog would and peck until they find their food. That seems to be their only goal; food

The satisfying feeling of my parents agreeing with me couldn’t be enjoyed with the amount of hate my sister looked at me with

The satisfying feeling of making my dad laugh couldn’t be enjoyed when I remembered the chickens

I feel like clouds, listless, cold, scary, and hopeful, I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. My hopes are high and I’m gonna fall helplessly when they don’t work out.

But my breathing reminds me that I’m still alive. A human. 17. That makes me feel weird. I hate the sound of my own breathing.

-feenix

[felix-feenix]

7/27/24

6:34 PM

This might be the best night, and I might enjoy it

There is a fire that you’re beginning to enjoy. The warmth it makes you feel, the smell of smoke, and the way it keeps you company. You at first questioned how it started, and where it came from, you even felt the need to put it out a couple of times, but you never did. Because it continued to light the hallways, shine its hot embers, and create a light so beautiful you didn’t want it to disappear. So when others peak in, try to check on you, try to sit you down and talk, you see the horrors of the fire, how their eyes look at you with concern. This is not normal, this fire is not warmth, it's burning, and this smoke is not calming, it’s making your lungs rip apart, this fire does not love this house, it wants to tear it apart.

[felix-feenix]

7/24/24

2:29 AM

You’ll soon be free, but you must be locked away first

The best part of growing up is looking back. Stopping where you stand and studying the trail of footmarks you left behind. Following them like a crumb trail that leads you back to memories. Whether they are blurred, whether they are misshapen, whether they are completely blacked out. You look at every single one, try to recognize it, enjoy, hate, love, feel complete sadness over it. Whatever it may be you realize by the very end of it all, how different you are.

How your smile has changed, from gleaming to tired

How your eyes young and bright, suddenly old and crinkled

And your skin smooth and tight

It's rough from years of life, and loose from the stress pulling you every which way

You look at the past wanting to say so much but yet not knowing the words. Nostalgia is more weary of you in these dark rooms, you're simply less aware, because, throughout your life affairs and troubled cares, you’ve found the cure. The hopeless feelings, and bitter nostalgia, melt into reminiscent feelings of a stranger who has the exact same face as you. The sun is coming up, and the exhibit is almost closed. Love fills you up as you take one last look at those imperfect days.

Life chose you to live, air chose you to breathe, and your eyes, mind, and soul chose you to remember. Walk the path forward, but don’t go too fast, you’ll never enjoy the scenery.

-Feenix

[felix-feenix]

7/22/24

1:51 AM

Take a walk, and feel everything around you

Little, white-tailed rabbits run from huntresses with golden locks of fur, the only thing keeping them from being killed is a worn green leash.

Black crows and ravens as dark as night fly away from sounds of snapping twigs and smushed gravel, while very few fly towards it.

Dragonflies as big as coins float past the heights of eyes, only to be not seen, but to be heard as they move, the fluttering of their wings.

This eternity was for you and me, created by someone who wanted it even more. The planes up above roar through the clouds and the sky. The smoke trail mocking the tearing of our endless world. We only decide to ask why because without questions there are no answers.

Without answers, there is no understanding of the Earth in which we revolve on.

Every inch of grass, field, tree, and nature changes every second, that's why it is eternity. That's why it will never truly be hurt, or killed, or destroyed. It was here long before us, and it will stay, much longer after us.

-Feenix

[felix-feenix]

7/21/24

2:47 AM

Boring days equivalent to mass tragedy

Neverending trails that lead into each other. That's what I need and that’s where I’ll stay. Do you realize how alive we are? I ask my dog, and she doesn’t answer but her rapid-paced breaths, her wet warm nose, her blinking, brown, beautiful eyes tell me all I need to know. Life isn’t worth living without her, which makes me scared for when she grays around her snout. When she takes her last breath will it also be mine? Because although I don’t lose my body, I lose my soul. We are one, a symbiotic relationship that we created brick by brick. Every command I’ve given, every treat she gobbled up, every broken moment we’ve shared was every wall of mine and every wall of hers mending each other together, into one big gorgeous house. But what if I were to lose my life? Would that house crumble upon my baby? Would her fur be covered in dust and debris, and her dog body be left for wolves' mouths? That's why we can’t die, we’ll find out how to be immortal, or we will die. But she’ll live until she’s 50 and I’ll die from stage 4 cancer. I'll drive into the ocean the day I have to put her down. Because I’ll do anything for you. My baby, the only soul that's ever known my pain, that's been by my side and knows every sharp and uncomfortable thing about me. The thought of us being apart scares me because I have no idea what to do. Where to go. I’m so lost and I go back to being 6 years old in a supermarket. Isles surrounding me are bigger than the Empire State Building. I’ll always be a little kid, needing somebody's hand to hold. Needing soft fur by my side to concentrate on while everything falls apart. My Daisy, you are my girl, forever, and forever again. Forever, forever.

I love you

-Feenix

[felix-feenix]

6:46 PM

Do you realize how alive we are right now?

[felix-feenix]

Everything I do is for the wrong reason

[felix-feenix]

2:55 PM

My Daisy smells like freshly popped popcorn.

[felix-feenix]

7/20/24

9:00 AM

Hopeless romantics tend to die alone, or miserable

I’m in love with the floor, I’m in love with the door, I’m in love with leaving, escaping this quote-unquote dream, I’m in love with the touch of my skin on yours, but I can’t describe the feeling. You tell me to shut up, I yell that you need to speak up, we are not the same. Speak and perhaps the friction between your tongue and your teeth will finally light a fire sparking something more than desire. I want to be needed, to be cheered on, I don’t want the rest of the world to feel loved unless I am. Maybe it's selfish and maybe I’m mean but I would rather hold a knife to my fucking neck than be seen falling apart.

We’re just stars in the universe waiting to explode. I believed you the whole time, turns out life is beautiful only through your eyes

You could kill me if you wanted to, you can kill me cause I need you too, you can kill me cause I want you to. Hurt starts in the darkest place of our hearts. Jealousy feels like our favorite old-time melody. Touchy hands and touchy subjects are everything you ever wanted us to be, so why are you so mean?

If I had to choose I’d rather be with you, but loving you will never make me feel alive. Because your hand is crushing mine and your mouth just spits out lies. Because every step we take, every kiss we choose to share, breaks me down more and more, until I am just bare.

To think that you ever cared, would be a joke in itself, but to say I ever noticed, would be like a lie in the court. To say I love you, would be a pain. To say I don’t need you, would be insane. To say I miss you, I don’t even know the answer to that.

-Feenix

[felix-feenix]

To be loved, what a horrible thing

[felix-feenix]

7/19/24

2:03 AM

I hate feeling sad when I’ve had such a good day

I’ve been trying to think of the name all fucking day. Where you feel super depressed over something because it changes from happy to sad. Like in Romeo and Juliet. There are hints of comedy but when Juliet and Romeo die you feel like the whole world is throwing everything it's got, and winning. If you know the word I’d appreciate it if you told me. I hung out with friends for the first time in a while. It was nice, we talked a lot, like a lot. We 4 could’ve talked all day honestly. It was the nice type of talking though, where you don’t want it to the end. But it did and I think that's what makes me feel weird. Also, I spent like $20 on food and immediately got a stomach ache. Which sucked. And then we went to a comic shop and they didn’t have the comic I wanted, so I proceeded to spend $60 on the Umbrella Academy comics. Which I don’t regret, more so feel was a bad financial decision on my part. But I’m happy, if that even matters. I’m in a dark muggy room writing this, specifically my room. I love it dearly because of all the stupid objects on my walls, but when my lights are turned off, and it is pitch black I wonder why everything becomes so unfamiliar. Like I know this room inside and out but suddenly it's so different, it's so scary, so unpredictable. That's kind of the same feeling I have with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I feel like I know them but they’re different and scary. Not like being different is bad, but it can be depending. I should get high, I don’t know where to get weed so if you also know you should tell me. If you wanna smoke with me I wouldn’t mind. Just live in Illinois for a start. Meet my parents tell them you're a respectful kid, pet my dogs, give me a kiss on the cheek and we’re off. I would like that.

-Feenix

[felix-feenix]

7/18/24

4:00 am

Condemn me for being me

I feel insane. For feeling bad for someone in the past. They’re just a guy in a band. He seems like he's never fully happy. I’m listening to an album he mentions in his blog Bright Eyes ‘Fever and Mirrors’ like Elliot Smith but clearer. It instantly makes me sad. I wanna go on a nighttime walk. Listen to music. Feel the anxiety that maybe there's someone behind me. Feel the calmness of a road that no one else walks on. It's not like I'm walking on it either, it's like that one saying. If you fall off a tree and no one sees it, did you really fall off? If I'm somewhere where absolutely no one is, do i actually even exist? Maybe you're like a ghost. Thats weirdly comforting. I wanna be a ghost. I'm tired but awake this feeling isn’t abnormal but it will be when I wake up and read these words with more awake eyes. Ok, I wanna be done.

-Feenix

Ps. I'm like a statue of a girl, never changing and constantly ignored to look at the real guys with real cocks and real abs. The only attention I get is from mothers covering their young boy's eyes and men shouting obscenities about the perkiness of my chest. You could chip away the soft jawline and pick away at the hair and even take the triangle of womanhood away. There will always be one person yelling “What happened? To the girl statue,” Everyone always notices something out of place after it changes.