the righteous stand before the darkness

Edmund Belcourt. Felix Aurelius. Loving father, devoted husband, proud citizen of District 13.

[potayeto-deactivated20140715]

I can never unlove you. I’ll just love you in a different way now.

Marco, Starting Over Again (via potayeto)

[hoseokpls]

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[felixaurelius]

you remind me of who i could have been had i been stronger and braver way back then a million choices, though little on their own became the heirloom of the heaviness we’ve known

you are so much more than your father’s son you are so much more than the wars you’ve won you are so much more than your father’s son you are so much more than what i’ve become

[edithravensworth-blog]

The Forced Meeting || Felix & Edith

[edithravensworth-blog]

Her breath caught in her throat at his words; he was here, he was real, and he wasn’t going anywhere. She could see him, touch him, taste him whenever she wanted, and she felt a ripple of excitement travel down her spine at the thought. She had every intention of making up for the last thirty years they spent apart.

She finally released a soft breath and nodded gently, careful not to make the gesture so big she had to pull away from him. “You are here now,” she repeated, brushing her lips against his, “And I won’t miss you as I did thirty years ago.” She would still miss him, she knew, but not in the same way. She would miss him in the mornings when she awoke in bed alone, and he beside his wife. She would miss him when she came home from work and he would not be there to greet her. She would miss him late at night when she was longing for his touch, as she did when she was a child in Cambolton Palace. “And you’ll never leave me again,” she murmured before kissing him softly.

[felixaurelius]

I am here, I won’t leave, you have me. He found himself unable to voice the words, unable to return the feather-light brushing of her lips against his as she repeated his promise. Did she believe what she was saying? Did she believe him? He could not blame her if she did not. But even though he might leave, he would come back to her. Damn him, he would. His fear was a vice around his throat, but he had lived with fear for a long time now. For Edith’s sake, he would bear it.

When she kissed him again, he returned the kiss with a near-zealous fervor. There was no going back. His betrayals, all of them, were irrevocable. He could feel it - the chains clamping him down, tethering him to her, making him wholly unable to flee. And a part of him didn’t even want to.

The hand that still clutched hers (warm, she was so warm) against his chest tightened its grip, his free hand threaded through her hair. I am hers and she is mine, he thought again, this time with a tinge of hopelessness. He still did not speak. His actions had always spoken louder than his words. If the kiss couldn’t make her believe in him, in never, I’ll never leave you again, no words of his ever would. She used to know him. Perhaps she’d understand.

The knock on the door surprised him; he flinched, breaking the kiss. “Minister?” his assistant’s voice asked through the door. Suddenly, he was desperately glad for the silencing spells that were built into the walls of his office and kept any sound from leaving the room without his permission. “We are waiting for you.”

He did not reply for a few long seconds, instead watching Edith with something akin to regret and the smallest measure of relief, well-hidden. His mouth twisted into a gentle, minuscule smile. The kind of smile reserved only for someone Felix loved. Then he called out: “I apologize, Jasper. I’ll be out momentarily.” He continued holding Edith’s hand; with the other, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, then moved it downwards to softly trace the contours of her jaw with his thumb. “They need me. Will you be okay?”

[felixaurelius]

That was a good training.

[aurelixs-deactivated20170113]

Arthur had his teeth bitten down on the inside of his bottom lip as he struggled not to break the eye contact. Does betrayal fall into that category too, Your Highness?, he wanted to ask.

But there were answers even he couldn’t handle.

"Good. Then continue in the same manner. As for your question…”

It’s laughable.

And it was. Even more so when one knew that, once upon a time, suppers in the Aurelius (or should he say, Belcourt?) household had meant something. Once upon a time, for seven years ago would have turned the life wasted into a simple concept, an easily determinable fact, and that was as far from the truth as any word the man before him had ever uttered. More often than not, it felt like centuries had passed since the very first crevice in the columns they never got to bring down, it felt like another existence, some distant parallel universe in which the same people still had the chance of making completelydifferent choices. So, in the end, what was seven years, but a time too long gone to matter and too short to hold all the memories that came taunting as Edmund’s question replayed itself in Arthur’s mind, over and over again? Every Saturday evening, the audience claps, thecurtain rises, and the old, solitary house starts to feel almost like home. Every Saturday evening, Clary spends hours decorating, littleBlanche wiggles under Dahlia’s futile attempts to braid the gold of hercurls, and Felix Aurelius, the man who never was, appears from the kitchen with a barely visible, yet present the-closest-thing-to-a-smile on the lips as his son enters the front door hand in hand with R—

"No.”

Having managed to push the thought away, the Commander stretched his arm, gripped the gun even tighter and added, calmly and matter-of-factly: ”I’m afraid I can’t. Maybe some other time.”

[felixaurelius]

Was Felix only imagining it, or did Arthur truly have to struggle to hold his gaze? Regardless of the doubts that Felix harbored when it came to Arthur’s appointment as Commander, his son was a good man. A moral, principled man. Not like Felix. He should not be ashamed to look anyone in the eye, let alone the reprehensible creature that was his father.

Something was wrong. He had known it before the spat out “no”, had sensed it from the ever-widening distance that gaped between them, had been haunted by it as the ghosts of every conversation they refused to have hung between them, had bent beneath the weight of it - of everything they did not say to each other, of every word they held back, of every bit of warmth for each other that they smothered - that pressed inexorably down on his shoulders. Felix had known.

It stung nonetheless, this confirmation, finally, inevitably, that he had done something so terrible as to turn his own son against him.

“You can’t?” he repeated without a trace of emotion in his voice. He sounded lifeless to himself.  Felix carefully eyed the gun that Arthur held gripped in his hand as if his life depended upon it. A necessary defense that belied the calm radiating off his tone.

Sometimes it felt like only yesterday that Arthur had been a little boy Felix could still carry around on his shoulders as he went on his healer rounds: he had been so eager, so young, so painfully innocent. Dahlia and Felix had worked hard to keep him that way, had starved and bowed and scraped those first years so Arthur wouldn’t have to. Felix had been so determined to do better and be better with Arthur than his parents had been with him. If he had worried about the quiet intensity the boy had, the grim determination beyond his years to accomplish whatever it was he put his mind to, it was assuaged once Clarine was born and Arthur had looked at her with the softest eyes, holding her so gently, and smiled like the child he’d still been.

Little of that boy seemed to remain now. Somewhere along the way, Felix had failed him. He had to have, to have his only son (he could not think about the other son he had lost, not now, not with Arthur staring at him with Dahlia’s eyes) regard him with such wariness. His jaw set. “You can’t or you won’t?”

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

Edith opened and closed her hands repeatedly, her mind swimming. Where did she even start with this man? “Do not presume to tell me I do not know what is best for my daughter,” she said, her voice quiet, but slightly sharp, “Whatever I deem best will be done.” She brought her gaze to meet his, using every fiber of her being not to glare at him. She wanted to remind him that Lyra should have been their daughter, not just hers, but his conversation was already sailing perilously close to the wind; she did not wish to make it worse. “The very curse of your birth,” she repeated, scoffing at his words. Did he think before he spoke? Did he regret everything in his life before he came to District 13, including loving her? He had said he didn’t, but each time she talked to him, it sounded less and less true. “If you truly want information, you should speak with your son. Although, I’m not sure how much you’ll get out of him.”

She couldn’t help but wince at her former title and last name. The last time she heard it, it had been Lestrange to call her that. Funny, he’s eht reason I’m here. Her estranged husband’s last name only served as a reminder of the bruises that had healed, of the fight that had erupted, of the child she bore. She gave Gregorovitch a nod, a smile sliding onto her lips as if nothing had passed between she and Felix outside. “How are you this fine day, Mr. Gregorovitch?” she began, “I was involved in a duel not that long ago that claimed my wand as a casualty. Minister Aurelius, here, suggested I find a new one from none other than you. My last wand had a dragon heart string core, was made of birch, and was pliable. What do you suggest?”

[felixaurelius]

What did Edith mean, if he truly wanted information, he should speak with his son? This was the second time she had referred to Arthur during this conversation, and it was too pointed to be a coincidence. What was she playing at? The last thing he wanted was for her to embroil his son into her political plots. Arthur deserved better than to be used as a pawn. (But hadn’t Felix been the one to set him up for that in the first place?) He briefly clenched his jaw before forcing himself to relax again. He would talk to Arthur. If he could get him alone for five minutes. If Arthur would even be willing to talk to him. For now, Felix refused to speak another word on the matter. But he knew it would gnaw at him. He did not want to look at Edith and wonder what intrigue was behind the mask she put on as easily as breathing. He did not want to be wary of her.

So Felix tried to put his suspicions out of his mind and focus on Gregorovitch instead, who simply took the correction in stride. “Ms. Ravensworth, then.” Gregorovitch gave her a thoughtful look, then turned away from them without another word to look through the stacks while a tape-measure magically flitted around Edith on its own to take her sizes. He had never been one to engage in idle pleasantries.

But when Felix had first come to District Thirteen, Gregorovitch had been kind to him. Had sensed the grief and confusion he was feeling and never lost his patience with him even after Felix had tried out wand after wand without any results and begun to wonder if taking the coward’s road had broken something so fundamental inside of him that no wand would ever choose him for its owner again. Eventually, Gregorovitch had sat him down and brewed him a cup of tea - in those days, a rare treat in a district that was struggling to provide its citizens with more than some paltry scraps of food. And then, once Felix had calmed down a bit, Gregorovitch had found him his wand. They had never become friends, but Gregorovitch had shown Felix kindness when he hadn’t needed to. Felix would never forget that.

Apparently done, the tape-measure floated back to the counter. It took a minute before Gregorovitch returned, several wands hovering behind and above him. “There are several options, Ms. Ravensworth, but…” He plucked one of them from the air, holding it out almost tenderly for Edith to take. “Let us try this one first. Elm and phoenix feather, eleven inches, rigid. Excellent for charms work.”

[felixaurelius]

That was a good training.

[a-aurelius]

I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s unnecessary. [Proud. Even spoken like that, conveniently and because it was supposed to be, the word he would have once moved worlds for felt like a punch in the throat. Arthur’s eyes, however, didn’t reveal anything but determination as they finally met Edmund’s, giving the man the very first real look since he’d approached the shooting range.] It’s Clarine and Blanche who need your concern now. With me leaving and the fights about to start, their safety is to be your and mother’s priority.

[felixaurelius]

[Felix met Arthur's gaze unflinchingly, though a part of him wanted to cringe away in spite of it. When had he become unable to look his son in the eye without being ashamed? Without thinking of how he had wronged him? Without thinking of how he had lied to Arthur all his life? He could no longer remember.]

Being concerned for your sisters and being concerned for you are not mutually exclusive. If you think your mother and I don't have their safety in mind with every single thing that we do, you think wrong. [He quickly suppressed the flash of anger that Arthur's insinuation to the contrary had called up in him. It was unfair. There was only one person Felix had the right to be angry at, and that was himself. So when he spoke again, it was with an icy calm.] You did not answer my question, though. 

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

[Internally, she cursed herself. Had she really said that aloud? Not that she owed Edmund an explanation as to what plans she had in store for Lyra, however, she did not like lying to him. She had never lied to him when they were children, but things were so different now…The lies were for his own protection, weren’t they? Or were the lies to benefit herself, so Edmund would not try to stop her from putting her plan in motion?] I have plans for my daughter, like every mother has plans for their daughter. Marriage to a good man, children, long, happy life. [She cleared her throat, her gaze wavering.] The game is none of your concern. [She said, her voice losing some of its earlier strength.

She fell into step behind him, the hurt turning to guilt at the look on his face. Why did she insist upon hurting him? She dreamt and prayed to the Gods for the ability to see him again, to talk to him again, to hold him in her arms, and now that she had him, all she wanted to do was make him miserable? She rubbed her forehead as she followed him, coming to a stop out front of the store. She saw the light return to his face when he mentioned his daughter, and her guilt turned to hurt turned to anger faster than she even realized. She walked up to the door and yanked it open, then turned to look over her shoulder at Felix.] Aren’t you coming in?

[felixaurelius]

He loathed that he remained sceptical of her intentions, but he couldn’t stop himself. He was too aware of her political brain, the way she knew to watch for an opening and exploit it. He used to admire that about her, but now it was dangerous. A great political mind like hers? One did not just turn it off. “Of course you want only what's best for her. But perhaps what you want and what she wants does not align.” Felix tensed, remembering the way Kerri had spat his lies in his face, remembering a wand dropping from his hand and the utter loss of control. Remembering...? He shook his head, pushing it away. "It does concern me." He lowered his voice once more. "By the very virtue- by the very curse of my birth it concerns me. More than that, it concerns my family. If you are planning something… I need to know, Edith.” But it was already the height of folly to discuss this here. It could not be allowed to go on. “Just- keep that in mind before you proceed with your plans. Please.”

Staying outside for another moment, Felix watched Edith and tried to discern her intentions as she stood silhouetted in the shop’s doorway. But they remained shrouded in shadows, as did she. Finally, he said: “If you’re alright with it.” He was pleased that she had asked him with her. He shouldn’t be, but he was. He entered the shop behind her. Everywhere one cared to look, boxes of wands were stacked either ceiling-high or stuffed atop shelves, some of the stacks wobbling dangerously. Dust-motes swirled through the air. At their entrance, a bell had rung; promptly, Gregorovitch - a short man with graying hair and a bushy beard - rose from behind the counter.

“Minister Aurelius, Countess Montgomery,” Gregorovitch said in greeting. “What can I do for you?” He turned towards Felix. "Not replace your wand, I hope, Minister? I remember it well. Phoenix feather core, twelve and three quarter inches long, unyielding and made of hawthorn wood. Well-suited to both healing and curses. Would be a shame for it to be lost, after all those years you took care of it so well.”

Felix forced a polite smile on his face. “No, Gregorovitch. It is Ms. Ravensworth’s” - he put a slight stress on the correction - “wand that requires replacing.”

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

[Edith stopped dead in her tracks. She turned on her heel to face him, eyes narrowed in his direction.] Forgive me if my diction is off, Mr. Aurelius. [She said sharply.] The threats will not be made against Black, if that is your concern. My daughter may be of age, but she is still my responsibility. I have plans for her, and they do not involve Black. Does that calm your nerves? [She knew it wouldn’t—it might even make things worse. However, she did not want him to think she was going to have some pureblood witch power trip in the middle of District 13. It had nothing to do with that—she had never bought into any of that blood status suppression. Sirius Black was a pureblood as well, and a decent man, but he was not what Edith had planned for her daughter, simple as that. Lyra was to marry Arthur and become Queen of Panem, and no one was going to derail her plan, least of all Sirius Black with his forked tongue and blue eyes.

She felt her jaw tighten when he tried to defend Lyra, and she felt the anger stir within her chest.] My parents had plans for me when I was ten years younger than Lyra. We all know how well those worked out. [There was so much more she could have said, so much more she wished she could have said, but she could not utter another word in public without jeopardizing his safety. No matter how angry she was at him, she would never, ever do anything to risk his life, or Arthur’s, for that matter. This was not an argument they should be having in public; perhaps she could bring him back to her place and really have it out with him.

She resumed walking, slowing down a little so he could catch up.] Lead the way. [She said, gesturing in front of her. He couldn’t very well lead if he was behind her. She felt her lips purse when he spoke of getting a new wand. And what did you do about your sword? she wanted to ask, but, once again, this was neither the time nor the place. The anger in her chest turned to hurt the longer she lingered on his words. You replaced me, too, she thought, And our son. While yours walks free, ours resides in the tomb beside the man I thought was you.]

[felixaurelius]

[Felix abruptly halted, narrowly avoiding a collision with her. He should have been on his guard, should have been more careful. But Edith had a way of stripping away his caution and his defenses with it even when he should know better, and so he stupidly had not gone into this expecting her to retaliate this badly. Mr. Aurelius? He nearly repeated the words out loud, stopped himself at the last moment. It should not rankle this much; after all, switching from Felix to Mr. Aurelius was to simply swap one lie for another. It did not matter. (Except it did.) He swallowed, then put his hurt aside. This conversation was not about him.]

You’ve got plans for Lyra? [He had told Edith she was not her mother. Edmund did not want her to prove him wrong. And yet-] What kind of political game are you playing? [She must be using Lyra as a pawn for something, and it disgusted him. Felix had a hard time trying to keep it from his voice. Not that he had the right to take the moral high ground with her, which she did not hesitate to obliquely point out. He had resented having his choice taken away from him by his parents as he resented that Edith was now trying to take away Lyra’s. But it had not stopped him from taking away Edith’s choice in turn when he abandoned her.

Feeling surprisingly raw, Felix briefly looked down. Then he merely nodded, moving in front of her to take the lead. It did not take long before they ducked into a sidestreet and ended up in front of Gregorovitch’s, a slightly shabby-looking shop despite the recent influx of clients due to the stream of refugees flowing into the district.] It might not look it, but he makes good wands. Mine has served me well over the years. We got Blanche's wand here, too. [He couldn't help a small smile creeping on his face as he remembered; he had been so, so proud of her. He did not say anything else; merely waited, wondering if he should stay or if Edith would send him away now that she no longer had need of him.]

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

She is my child. [Edith nearly snapped.] And I will not allow Black to put his womanizing hands all over her. [We’ve come too far for that, she thought. Though she didn’t expect Arthur to be the type to turn away a woman for not being a virgin, perhaps the future King of Panem would surprise her. She suppressed a scoff.] Of course it isn’t her choice. She’s only twenty-four; she’s far too young to know what she wants.

[She lifted a brow at his words, casting a glance over her shoulder at him.] I think I could say the same to you. [She knew, from first-hand experience, that Arthur and Felix did not get along well. Lyra was upset over a few months’ worth of lies; Arthur had decades on his side, on top of an already uncomfortable relationship with Felix. The new information that had come to light certainly would not help their relationship.

She glanced around, looking up and down the streets for the wand shop.] You know, I had that wand ever since I was a child. I could kill Lestrange for breaking it. [She glanced at him again.] Where is Gregorovitch’s shop? I’ve never had a need to go there before.

[felixaurelius]

[Felix’s jaw set.] You will not “allow” Mr. Black to do anything. He is a free citizen of this district and you cannot go around threatening him just because he might do something you dislike. [Conscious of the people milling around them on this street, he lowered his voice.] You knew what you wanted when you were ten years younger than Lyra is now. She- [He abruptly fell silent; they were heading for dangerous territory now, and Felix was not ready to cross that line.

His expression did not change, but at her next comment he suddenly felt disconcerted. Was Edith referring to his difficult relationship with Arthur? How could she know? He wasn’t even certain he had told her about Arthur, aside from a brief mention when Felix had helped her move in. But if Edith knew, that knowledge was a weapon in her hands, and after the last night they shared together, she might actually use it. He did not want that. Arthur deserved better than to be used as ammunition in a vindictive fight that Felix and Edith should not even be having. Better not to engage.

He followed her, slightly amused by her decisive pace even though she wasn’t sure where to go. Edith had always been like that. Forging ahead. He softly said:] I hated it, too. Having to replace my wand when I came here. [Clearing his throat, he added:] It’s two streets down. I can show you; it’s easy to overlook.

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

And when men get those kinds of reputations, young ladies should not be spending so much time with them, let alone living with them. [She wished she could go to Black’s house and drag Lyra out by her long, blonde hair, but Edith respected Black’s property too much to do that. She had little respect for him, but his house was his house, and she would not violate his privacy to retrieve her fully-grown daughter (in the eyes of the law, anyway).] If he so much as touches a hair on her perfect little head, I’ll kill him. [His question registered in her head later than it should have, and she lifted a brow at him, stepping down from the store’s steps so she was on even ground with him. In her heels, she could almost meet his eye.] Did I not tell you that night at the bar? [She asked as she rubbed her forehead, trying to remember. All she could remember was him leaving that night; she could see his back retreating into the darkness as she wrapped herself in her sheets, trying to build a shield to cover her vulnerability.] She is upset with me over…Recent information that’s come to light. She claims I lied to her and used her, and she’s left our house until she gets over it. [She said it so matter-of-factly, so nonchalantly, but not seeing Lyra everyday was starting to drive her up the wall.

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Concerned for my safety my ass, she thought, letting her arms drop to her sides.] You’re that concerned? Fine. I’ll go now, then. I already forgot what I came to the store for, anyway. [She moved to brush past him; it didn’t matter to her if he came with her or left. If he left, she’d simply return to the store and wander the aisles until she remembered what it was she needed.]

[felixaurelius]

That better merely be an idle threat, Edith. I understand why you would be protective of your daughter, but that does not give you the prerogative to act outside of the law. [Perhaps she had said it in jest, but Felix had no doubt that she was capable of carrying out that threat if she so desired.] And ultimately, is it not up to her? [He shut his mouth. If there was anyone who should refrain from giving out parenting advice, it was him. Arthur had been avoiding him for weeks; he was strained and terse on the rare occasions that they did speak. Felix must have done something wrong, he just… could not figure out what exactly, and he was not sure how to broach the subject. He had never found it easy to speak to his children about the things that mattered most.

He watched with concern how she rubbed her forehead. Had she gone on that bad of a bender? If Felix stepped closer, would he be able to smell the alcohol on her? Too risky on too many levels; he remained at a distance. The worry crept up on him nonetheless, while the reminder of that night which had began at the bar and ended at her house only added to the tension between his shoulder blades.] You did not tell me, only that- [you thought she didn’t need you, he could not say. Nor would he ask what had upset Lyra; it shouldn't be any of his business. Instead, he settled for a polite but almost indifferent:] I hope you two solve your difficulties.

[Felix raised an eyebrow in surprise, then gave her a minuscule smile - although he did step aside to avoid her touching him as she moved past him.] You’ll go now? Excellent.

[Her comment about forgetting what she came to the store for didn’t do anything to alleviate his concern. It was not like her to be so absent-minded. Better to accompany her. Besides, Gregorovitch’s shop - secreted away in the alley behind the Justice Building - was easy to miss for someone who didn’t know where it was.]

[gig-bites]

Visit Original Link

The Night Starts Here by Stars [lyrics]

You name your child after your fear And tell them, "I have brought you here."

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

[Her arms involuntarily tightened over her stomach as she looked at him. She tried not to stare too hard—that often got her in trouble, and they were in public. She had no desire to reveal Edmund’s true identity in the middle of town. She cleared her throat and shook her head, her gaze falling to his shoes.] No, I haven’t had the time. I’ve been searching for my daughter. She’s been staying with Black, and I want to make sure the little rat isn’t defiling her. [That job is saved for your son, she almost added, but thought better of it. Edmund did not need to know the full reason for Edith’s sudden appearance in District 13. Not right now, anyway. Swinging her bangs out of her face, Edith decided to look at him, head on. Face your fears, she thought.] Why are you so concerned about my lack of a wand, Felix?

[felixaurelius]

[He looked directly at her even as she dropped her eyes, a bland expression on his face - for all intents and purposes the picture of professionalism, just someone inquiring after his co-worker. Felix had been wearing a mask for the last thirty years, but never more than in the last few months. He had to keep it up. He would.

So he could not think about how he had practically fled from her with his tail between his legs a few days ago. By this point it was foolish to expect himself to be capable of being anything better than a coward, but it never began stinging any less. He wished he could blame Edith for how he had run, how he could barely face Dahlia anymore, how her revelation about Ariston’s children had made an almost primal fear rise up in him that made it hard to think. But it wasn’t her fault. The cowardice was just something that had always been inside of him, a rotten core that was now poisoning what little remained of him. But he did not think about that. He could not think about that.]

Lyra’s staying with Mr. Black? Why? [He almost asked whether she was alright, but stopped himself just in time; he should not care so much for a girl he barely knew. (Even if, or maybe exactly because, she was Edith’s daughter.)] Mr. Black does have a certain… reputation, but he is a good soldier. [And although he also was a bit of a brat, his loyalty towards his friends was commendable.] His heart is in the right place. Lyra will be safe with him. [He paused, his heartbeat speeding up when she raised her head and met his gaze head-on. But he said plainly:] I am concerned for your safety. Gregorovitch’s shop is nearby. It is unnecessary to leave you at risk when a short visit could resolve the situation.

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[edithravensworth-blog]

[Edith’s foot paused just above the concrete step. She held the doorhandle tightly in her hand, the door slightly ajar; she was about to go through it when she heard his voice. She closed her eyes and contemplated her options, briefly. She could walk into the store and pretend like she never heard him. She could ignore him and continue on her day, her life, pretending as if Felix Aurelius did not exist. He didn’t; he was a fiction, but the man he used to be did not exist either.

Or she could turn around, like an adult, and see what he wanted. It was daylight, there were people around, whatever he wanted could not take that long. Surely he had to be on his way to his wife or work, and it would be just a quick ‘hello, how are you?’ and she could be on her way to collect—what was it she needed again? She sighed, frustrated she had already forgotten.

She closed the store’s door and slowly turned around, her piercing blue eyes narrowed slightly in his direction. She folded her arms over her stomach and lifted an eyebrow at him expectantly.] Felix. [She said sharply.] Did Alma send you after me? I’m not coming in to work; I’ve already missed a great deal of it today. But I will be in tomorrow.

[felixaurelius]

[He noted her hesitation, then inwardly cursed at himself because of the relief he felt when she did turn around to face him. He tried not to read too much into the way she folded her arms around her stomach - but a son a son our son played in his mind anyway, an endless refrain he seemed incapable of cutting short.]

No. President Coin did not send me. [Although perhaps she should have. His brow furrowed. What they were doing in Thirteen... the rebellion... it was bigger than either of them, more important than any of their squabbles. She should not have blown off work like she had. But he kept himself from speaking out - after all, wasn't it because of him that she had even felt the need to? What right did he have to admonish her?] I wanted to speak to you about the wand that Lestrange destroyed. Have you replaced it yet?

[edithravensworth-blog]

Don't forget.

[Edith had called off work the following day after fighting with Felix, though she swore to herself it was because of her hangover. She did not go in the next day, or the day after that, managing to convince Alma she was sick and Paylor could do her job for the time being. Maybe.

Instead of staying home (as she had done that the previous two days, at the bottom of a bottle), she decided to venture out. She needed a few things from the store, and perhaps she would even buy herself a new outfit or two. Buying things usually made her feel better.

She approached the store’s door, muttering under her breath:] Milk, eggs, bread. Don’t forget. Milk, eggs, bread. [So she would not forget.]

[felixaurelius]

[Although his entire world had been thrown off-kilter when Edith arrived in the district, Felix had felt especially unbalanced since his last… encounter with her, as if the ground were continually shifting beneath his feet. Not discussing it - being unable to discuss it with Dahlia made it even worse, his last support crumbling away even as he knew that the only one he could blame for it was himself.

It seemed Edith had been unsettled too. Although normally Felix would have frowned at her forsaking her duties like she had the past few days, he found that he could not blame her for it. She needed the space... and so did he.

So when he crossed paths with her on his way to a shift at the library, he almost turned away to let her enter the store unimpeded. Almost. There was much of the last time he saw her that he couldn't get out of his mind, too much - but the only thing he wanted to think about now was the loss of her wand. She’d seemed dangerously careless about it, reckless too, and if something happened to her- she needed a wand.

Felix cut her off at the store’s door, his face serious and formal, his apprehension well-hidden. He did not know if her anger would flare up again. If it did, he deserved it. But he hoped it wouldn't; he was so tired of fighting her.] Edith. [He had almost used her title, but as in his office, he found himself unable to. She was not Countess Ravensworth to him and would never be - to pretend otherwise stung too much, was too close to yet another lie, and he was just as tired of lying as he was of fighting.] A word, please.

[edithravensworth-blog]

What the hell do you want?

[edithravensworth-blog]

[She shot up off the bed when he raised his voice; twenty years of arguing with Ezekiel Montgomery had made her loud and defensive when angered, prone to protect herself with words until she could protect herself no longer.] You deny yourself, and you deny us, Edmund! [She said, raising her voice back at him.] Don’t you see that? Don’t you understand? You are Edmund Belcourt, son of Lyanna and the late Dominic Belcourt, former King and Queen of Panem, brother to Ariston and Solveig Belcourt—the wrong Belcourt and Ravensworth couple on the throne. Just because you have been pretending to be Felix Aurelius for thirty years does not mean you stopped being Edmund Belcourt. If you had, you wouldn’t still love me. [Her heartbeat picked up, her chest rising and falling rapidly. She knew Edmund would not strike her, but that fact did not stop the familiar nerves from seeping into her body.] My whore-of-a-sister fucked Sylas Yaxley and out popped Edward, Victoria, and the Crowned Princess Oriana. None of them are Ariston’s children, a simple paternity test will prove that. When Ariston dies, you or Arthur become the heir to the throne. When it is proven that Oriana is a bastard daughter, there’s no way she’ll be allowed to ascend. Unless she marries Arthur, of course. [But that would not happen; Edith would make sure of that.

When she had calmed herself, she sat back down on the bed, glad to be at eye level with him. She gazed into his eyes, watching him as he watched her, a pang in her chest at her jab. She had hurt him. She had intended to, but she hadn’t intended to hurt herself in the process. Would she always be inextricably bound to him, so much so that she could not even insult him without insulting herself too? She loved him, with or without his honor, as she had loved him long after that servant’s body was cold in Edmund’s crypt.

Her eyes stayed locked on his face as he removed her hand and stood, her eyes filling with tears. She wanted to go to him, jump into his arms, and convince him with her words and body to stay (and apologize), but she could not move. She could not bring herself to soften her heart to him again, only to have him shatter it to pieces. As he turned, her eyes settled on his broad shoulders, and she longed to be held close to him just one last time. She turned her head away from him and wrapped her arms around herself, allowing him to leave, though it was the last thing she wanted.]

[felixaurelius]

[He grit his teeth. His muscles were tense, longing to go - but then he turned back to her.] No. [His voice was low, barely a whisper. He couldn’t even be sure what he was denying at this point, only knew that he wanted nothing of what she said to be true, even the fact that he loved her. Perhaps that most of all. But that he loved her did not mean that he could become Edmund Belcourt again. He had tried so hard to leave that person behind. He knew he could not avoid his past catching up on him, but he wanted, needed, to avoid it for just a little longer. He needed to be Felix Aurelius.

Unable to tell her that, he tried to anyway, tried to open his mouth, but he couldn’t, not without losing what little calm was left in him. He couldn’t speak, tried to swallow away his selfish fears, but it didn’t work, it never seemed to work. Oddly, his strained breathing, struggling for control, almost seemed to mirror hers. He did not recognize where it was coming from - she had never been like this when they were young, when she was absolutely fearless in their fights, when she matched him every step on the way - but he retreated, taking first one step back and then another to give her space… and himself, too.

When he spoke again, he forced himself to maintain an even tone.] Even if that is true, that doesn’t mean that I become the heir. Alma intends to instate a presidency. If the rebellion wins, there might not be a throne at all. It doesn’t mean that I become the heir, it does not- [He paused. But the presidency couldn’t work in Panem as it was now, and he didn’t even believe that it would. He distantly observed that if he hadn’t been keeping them perfectly still, his hands would be trembling right now. Pathetic. He exhaled:] I have to leave.

[Because it was either fight or flight, and the last thirty years had ingrained in him the instinct of flight. He gazed at her, noting the barely held in tears, how she had protectively wrapped her arms around herself, the hurt he had caused her laid bare for the eye to see. He looked at her for a last time, then turned around once more and fled, because he would never be more than a coward.]

[cathly]

love didn't just happen to us

[edithravensworth-blog]

What the hell do you want?

[edithravensworth-blog]

[Her head snapped up when he said his wife’s name. Her eyes hardened again, anger rose within her chest as she watched him, infuriated beyond words. That word—that name that he should have never known belonged to the one woman she would envy through the end of her days, and she refused to speak it. Not in his presence; she would not give him the satisfaction of pretending she valued his wife enough to speak her name. She knew enough not to insult her in front of him, but that did not mean she would breathe life into his wife’s body by saying her name. Her body shook with a rage she could not stop, but she managed to rein in her tongue.]

Felix Aurelius is a fiction. He does not exist. [She nearly spat the words at him, her voice dripping with a venom she wished she could unleash upon his wife.] Your children with—with—are the rightful heirs to the throne. She may not have married Edmund Belcourt, once-upon-a-time’s King of Panem, but that does not change that fact—nor does it change the fact that your brother fathered no trueborn heirs. Arthur Aurelius is leading the rebellion, but Arthur Belcourt is the heir to the throne. [She thought briefly of their son, of what he could have been had he lived, had Edmund stayed to protect her, love her, and legitimize the baby. Her mother would not have forced moon tea on her had she been a married woman, she knew that for certain. He would have been the pearl of Panem, handsome and strong like his father, smart like his mother. She imagined he’d look like—

She was brought back to reality by the warmth of his hand on her bare skin. Her eyes sought his as his words filled her ears. She withheld a scoff and lifted a hand to rest it on his cheek. She caressed his face, the pad of her thumb gently running over the contour of his cheek, as if she were about to say something lovely that would alleviate his pain. Instead, these words flowed from her mouth:] Lucky for your wife that you found your honor now. Too bad the same cannot be said of you when we were children.

[felixaurelius]

[He stopped himself from recoiling, but couldn’t keep himself from lashing out in return.] Neither does Edmund Belcourt! [He stared at her for a moment, stunned not only by her words but also by his own. His free hand curled into a fist by his side, the only outward sign of the tension that had long ago spread through his entire body, before he shook his head in denial.] I was never the king. I was never crowned. Ariston has three children, there is- there is no way that Arthur would be first in line. [Gods, Felix wouldn’t let his children get embroiled in this. He would not, even if it was the last thing he did. His breath was coming quick, and he tried to calm down, to remove any outward sign of agitation. He forced himself to uncurl his fist. Later. He could deal with his fears about this later, when he was alone, when he didn’t have to be concerned with Edith. Later.

Even though he watched her with trepidation, he couldn't help relaxing at her touch. Her hand on his cheek was doing more to calm him down than any attempt on his part could. But she could shatter that calm as easily as she created it, and she did: poison flowed out of her mouth, and Felix felt like he would choke on it.

He did not react at first, didn't even move, a part of him still loath to tear himself away from her touch. Instead, he merely looked at her for a little while, tracing the contours of her face with his eyes, cataloguing her features - so familiar, and yet they belonged to someone who had become a near-stranger to him, someone whom he had once known better than even himself and now, it seemed, only barely. 

But he loved her anyway, loved her still, damn him. Gently, he removed her hand from his cheek, holding it for a moment longer before letting go and standing up again, slowly; hurt pressed on his bones, weighing him down.] You told me to leave, and so I will. [He hesitated, searching for words, for something to make this better... but he had never been any good with words, and there was no way to make this better. Resigned, he bowed his head and only added:] I will see myself out. [He turned to go.]