icarus.

felix matua // eighteen // senior don’t claw out your own throat while waiting for someone else to scream. blood beneath your fingertips isn’t easy to clean.

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

“That can be very easily arranged, but could have been done sooner if you weren’t such a gym freak,” he teased, moving over on the bed slightly to show Felix he can sit next to him. “Because I just got over my anger, I want you to think about the words “if I was gonna cheat, don’t you think I’d do it in Cali instead of here,” and maybe reword that so you say “I would never cheat on you Leo, the love of my life, the purest good in the universe,” before I start being angry again.” Leo said, joking but with an undertone of seriousness. 

“It was Speech and Debate, I’m pretty excellent at both of those things so I can afford to skip,” Leo said truthfully, his grades in that class reflecting that. “Extra pudge to you is like half a snickers though, how bad for your health can banana cake really be?” He asked. “I’m glad someone was making fun of you in my place.“

“I’m pretty sure you appreciate my love of the gym,” he countered, moving over to sit beside Leo, giving him a sweet and somewhat cheesy grin before laughing. “I would never cheat on you, Leo, the lo--the purest good in the universe.” The middle part of the statement got caught in his throat, thoughts going back to Laurel, to the girl he’d loved for so many years only to have her abandon him. The other boy says it so easily, but even playfully, he can’t manage the words. Not yet.

“Really? Is that why I usually win our debates?” He teased, smile spreading wide again, recovering from how it had faded. “Babe, I know you’re sort of...cream cheese white, but have you ever met a Samoan besides me? We love food. Keke fa'i is ridiculously amazing and horrible for my waistline.” He laughed. “Oh, thanks.”

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

Leo’s scowl eased at the boy’s explanation, knowing he wasn’t lying because the first time they properly met Felix was in the exact same situation. “Don’t pretend like you don’t secretly love it,” Leo joked, smiling slightly. “Where did you find your clothes this time?”

“I’d leave class for you, obviously. And you don’t have to try and make yourself look good for me, you look good regardless of how much keke fa’i you eat.” He told him, saying the name of the food slowly so he didn’t absolutely butcher the words. “I’ve missed you.” 

Felix couldn’t help but give a small laugh, relaxed by the way the anger on his boyfriend’s face seemed to fade. “I used to. You know, when I was banging anything with a pulse? Now I think I’d rather just have you taking my clothes off,” he said, very nearly honestly. The commitment was still strange, but he liked Leo a lot. “I promise nothing was going on, alright? Besides, if I was gonna cheat, don’t you think I’d do it Cali instead of here?”

“I know, but you shouldn’t. Class is important or whatever.” It was important for people like Leo -- people with a future. Felix wasn’t so sure he had the same luxury. “It’s banana cake, babe. I’ve got some extra pudge going on,” he explained, amused and pleased by his attempt to pronounce the word. “I missed you too. Every time I got a text from you, my dad kept making fun of how fast I responded.”

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

Storming back to his dorm after switching his phone on silent, Leo sat on his bed and read the texts Felix had sent, still scowling as he read the words and began a reply before Felix came into his room. 

Dropping his phone on the bed and folding his arms, Leo looked at him and shrugged. “It’s fine, as long as you don’t mind me chatting to guys as I’m holding a towel that barely covers me. Nice to see you again by the way, I can tell you were practically dying to see me.” He said sarcastically, knowing he was being a bit over-dramatic but he didn’t care. 

“We weren’t...fuck.” Felix let out a long sigh, shutting the door behind him as he looked over at Leo. “It wasn’t like that. We’d both been in the showers and when we came out, our clothes were gone. We were trying to figure out where they were, okay? Which, by the way, isn’t the first time that this shit has happened to me.” Curse of amazing abs, he supposed, but that wasn’t really the point. 

“You were in class when I got back. I figured I could run to the gym and shower and then come see you when I was clean and felt less grossly full of keke fa'i,” he explained, pursing his lips. “I was trying to make myself look good for you.”

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

Leo knew he was being unreasonable, but he had a right to be a little upset at seeing his boyfriend, naked, with another guy before coming to see him after a couple of weeks apart. He wasn’t expecting Felix to run lovingly into his arms as soon as he arrived back at Plath, but a hello would have been nice instead of having to accidentally see him in the locker room. 

Making eye contact with his boyfriend (I’m sure it was hard for him to pull his gaze away from the other guy), Leo scowled slightly and continued walking ahead, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. 

@felixmatua

Shit.

The situation with Todd was awkward enough -- even if he was good looking -- without the added fact that his boyfriend had just spotted him more or less naked in the locker room with another guy, fumbling to keep a grip on his towel. For a moment he wondered if he should just give up on dating and being monogamous, but the scowl on Leo’s face sent a bolt of guilt through Felix that told him it wasn’t an option.

It took a while to resolve the whole ‘no clothes’ problem, but once he had, he managed to explain the situation to Todd as well as he could before rushing off to fix things before it was too late. After a few unanswered texts, he decided to try his dorm, successfully finding his less than pleased boyfriend waiting for him.

“I swear to god it wasn’t what it looked like.”

[felixmatua-blog]

After a trip back home filled with way more comfort food than Felix ever needed, finding his way back to the Plath gym seemed like a near necessity. After working out for a while, he made his way back to the locker room and showered, wrapping up in a towel and making his way back to his locker -- only to find his clothes not where he’d left them. “Where the hell?” He muttered, turning around and colliding with another guy, nearly losing his grip on his towel. “Oh, shit. Sorry, dude.”

@toddrobert

[felixmatua-blog]

♦

guilt/ɡilt/

noun         1. the feeling you get the first time he drops to his knees for you makes your heart race and your bones ache and it’s days before the high fades and you realize the kind of power you have over him.         2. you never want to let it go; it’s the feeling you’ve been searching for your whole life and it leaves you shaking with your back pressed up against the shower wall.         3. he’s with you on the beach and they’re all watching, jealousy and disgust and joy on the sea breeze as they watch two boys kiss like there’s no one else in the world – they don’t see the panic attack exactly three hours and twenty-three minutes later when you sneak back into your cabin and see your brother staring back at you.         4. he tells you he loves you over text message and you’re sure he doesn’t mean it like that, but that doesn’t stop the way your father laughs when he sees you fumble with your phone at the dinner table and suddenly you’d give anything to be able to confess like a sinner begging at the altar.

        5. you see him again and you pray he doesn’t feel the way your hands shake against his back but he pulls you tighter and you know he does.        6. please god let him break your heart before you break his; you’ve always been a coward and you wish you’d realized that before you were the one with bruised knees from begging for forgiveness that he doesn’t know he has the right to give.

send me a “♦” for the first word my muse thinks of when your muse is mentioned.

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: u drive ill provide the snacks and music itll be great

leo: i love camping and want to go camping with you asap

leo: id still love you xxx don't think it'd suit the jock aesthetic tho

felix: will you provide road head too? ;)

felix: as soon as we get out of Hell we can go

felix: tru it'd be more like gym teacher ex-jock

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: omg we're so goin on a road trip w u driving when i go home

leo: i'd love you with the squishiest tummy don't pretend u don't know that

felix: duh ofc we are it'll be great

felix: how do u feel about camping

felix: awwww

felix: what if i had a gross beer belly

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: omfg i just look on google maps that looks so nice

leo: also we're only like, an hours flight when im home

leo: or a 4 hour drive but i doubt my dad will do that

leo: don't be Hurt i lov u even if you didn't have abs

felix: oh cool as shit i have a car at home so i can drive to see you too

felix: suuuuuuuuure i dnt think you'd love me with a squishy tummy

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: wait where do u live again? just so i know how quick to expect you

leo: just your abs

leo: ur alright too i guess

felix: riverside, california so it'll b a while babe

felix: i'm so Hurt ur using me to get to my abs

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: then u better start running😘

leo: okay now tell them ur obsessed w me though, it's only fair

leo: otherwise im gonna booby trap ur dorm room

felix: i'm on it

felix: mmmm last time i checked ur way more obssessed w/ me

felix: or is it just my abs

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: i wouldn't make u come back here just for me

leo: jk i totally would but you'd take too long now. also im choosing to ignore u calling me boring

leo: omg what are they asking and what are you telling them?

leo: tell them i'm really smart and pretty and funny and all around great thanks x

felix: i'd probably do it, but plane tickets are pricey af

felix: just the usual invasive parent questions

felix: i'm telling them you're a total weirdo that's obsessed w/ me 😘😘

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

leo: ur cute, but unfortunately i have to stay here until my dad can b bothered to get me

leo: i mean obvi

leo: who wouldn't love me?

leo: tell ur parents i say hey tho

felix: u sure? i'm pretty good at jailbreaks

felix: idk ur pretty boring

felix: they say hey back and then proceeded to start interrogating me about you

[felixmatua-blog]

[text] felix → leo

felix: you kno you could have come w/, right?

felix: p sure my parents would love you

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

“If your therapist is saying you can go chat to them at 4 in the morning I think we may have trouble,” Leo joked light-heartedly, smiling at Felix again even though he saw his shaking hand work it’s way through his messy bed hair. 

Frowning in confusion slightly, he grabbed his phone from the bed and googled him, pausing to speak before looking at the screen again. “People obsessed with you? What do you mean?” He asked, turning his attention to his phone and looking perplexed at all the links of Felix’s name - usually all there was was a Facebook profile and maybe a news report or two on why people were there - not that he had googled anyone here before obviously. 

Clicking into a link, he read what happened to Felix and his twin, frowning occasionally and glancing towards Felix. After he had read that, he went back and looked at a ‘fan-site’ for Felix, frowning deeper this time. “Oh Felix…” he said simply, moving next to the boy and putting an arm around him. “I’m sorry about all the creepy stalkers. And… everything else.” 

Having Leo look it up on his own was easier than telling the story himself, easier than recalling every little detail that refused to go away no matter how hard he tried to erase it. Sure, there were things that were inaccurate about the reports, things that second hand stories could never capture, but filling in the blanks was easier than writing the story himself.

The arm around him made him flinch -- he didn’t pull away, but he didn’t move closer either. His walls were back up again, protecting himself and Leo and refusing to allow himself the kindness that he so desperately wanted. “Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault.” It’s a dismissive statement, but it’s the first thing he could manage to say. “It’s...yeah, I’m fine. I’m alright. I mean, I still get crazies trying to call me and dm me all the time because they think that the fact that my brother was a fucking nutcase is hot and it’s just...and they don’t even get it, you know? I watched those kids die and those freaks just want to talk about how they want a threesome with me and my dead fucking brother.”

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

Leo had suspected there was something going on with Felix when Min Jae had told him about him almost crying at the loud noise of books being slammed down, but he didn’t think it was appropriate to ask about it. He still didn’t, and thought it was best if Felix only tells him if he wants to.

“Good. Fine is good, really good,” he said, smiling at the boy, masking the twinge of pain he felt at the boys withdrawal from his touch, but he knew Felix meant no offence so just drew his arm away. “Well, if it happens a lot, you can always talk to me about whatever’s bothering you. Even if it’s at like, 4 in the morning or whatever I’ll still listen. You sure you’re alright?” 

Everyone at Plath had some kind of issue, otherwise they wouldn’t have been at Plath. That was just a fact, something you could assume without hesitation. But what was wrong with each student varied wildly and while some were just shipped off due to bad behavior, others had issues that went so deep they might never get better. Truth be told, Felix wasn’t sure where he fell on that spectrum, but he was beginning to fear that he was more towards the latter.

“You sound like...you sound like my therapist.” He managed a weak laugh as he ran his shaking hand through his hair, looking up at Leo. “There’s not...” Not anything to talk about? What a liar he was. How could he keep something like that from his boyfriend? “Just google me,” he suggested with a tired shake of his head. “You wanna know? I’m sure there’s...there’s enough people o-obsessed with me that I’m sure someone could tell you the story.”

[felixmatua-blog]

leo.

Leo had been in long term relationships before, but he felt more content with Felix then he ever had his past girlfriends, their time together drama free and every moment of it enjoyable. Which was what made the Felix in front of him almost completely unrecognizable, the look of panic on his face completely foreign and out of place on the self assured boy. 

“Felix, are you okay?” He asked, speaking slower than he usually would, not wanting to hear him make a noise of fear like that ever again. He reached a hand towards Felix, not quite knowing what to do. Obviously he couldn’t just leave him to be frightened on his own, but equally Leo didn’t want to smother him. “Do you need water or anything? Because I can go grab you some. Or you can go get some and I’ll wait, whatever you want, I’m here for you I promise.” He rambled, his leg starting to shake up and down. 

Since everything had happened, Felix had only been in two relationships -- real relationships, not just hook ups, even if that was what Leo was supposed to be. When it came to Laurel, she understood. She’d been there, even if she wasn’t at the eye of the storm in the way that he was. But Leo? The best knowledge he could have at the moment was anything that came from searching him online, but judging by his reaction, the other boy didn’t know a thing.

“Fine,” he managed to choke out as soon as he could breathe again, but it was an obvious lie, especially as he flinched away from his boyfriend’s touch. “I just...no, no, I’m...I don’t need any water.” What did he need? What could fix him? Felix couldn’t think of a single damn thing. “This j-just happens. It’s nothing...really, you shouldn’t...worry or anything. I’m alright.”