Felix: Space Pirate

The sweet (not sour) captain of the Royal Witch. Check out Felix: Space Pirate on your podcatcher of choice, and join our Discord server! https://discord.gg/aERCsfTjMz

[bookwyrminspiration]

starting a new fuck/marry/kill called aro/crack/attack where you take three characters and decide who you're making aromantic, whose egg you're cracking, and who you're doing grievous bodily harm

[felixspacepirate]

I could see Amira being an egg. It wouldn't surprise me a whole lot, but we have other things to work out before we have room for that kind of discovery. I would also personally crash my ship into anyone who did her any kind of bodily harm.

Malken could take it though. I think.

Tim's probably aromantic already.

[felixspacepirate]

Just tried to check. I don't think Tim knows what love is.

[felixspacepirate]

hey guys!! amira here :)

thought it might be fun to see what felix's profile looks like! a little weird, honestly. talk about digital footprint am i right :P

anyway, i figured you guys might also be able to help me out a bit. lately i keep looking at malken and thinking about some guy from back on earth that he reminds me a lot of. but i can't remember his name for the life of me!! it was like hans bolo or something along those lines

i also keep imagining him yelling "chewy!" from across the ship. NO idea what that's about. maybe i'm just hungry. i'll go see what kinds of snacks we have. byebye!

[felixspacepirate]

Amira's been giving my sword some weird looks lately. At first I thought she was eyeing it to see if she could take it, but we both know no one would survive trying to steal my Fever-song.

Eventually I asked her about it and she said it seemed similar to a weapon she'd been thinking of a lot recently? And I mean a lot. We think most of her unintentional references lately have been from history and stories surrounding weapons like it.

She still can't remember much, but all she knows for certain is that these tales took place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

[bookwyrminspiration]

starting a new fuck/marry/kill called aro/crack/attack where you take three characters and decide who you're making aromantic, whose egg you're cracking, and who you're doing grievous bodily harm

[felixspacepirate]

I could see Amira being an egg. It wouldn't surprise me a whole lot, but we have other things to work out before we have room for that kind of discovery. I would also personally crash my ship into anyone who did her any kind of bodily harm.

Malken could take it though. I think.

Tim's probably aromantic already.

[felixspacepirate]

It's been a while with a whole lot o' nothing, that's for sure. But things are ramping up. I'm getting a sense of...

"Episode six. May first. Listen next week on Patreon."

Huh. Weird. Wonder what that means.

[boombox-fuckboy]

Podcast game: using only canonical information, describe a fiction podcast in a way that completely misrepresents what genre the show actually is.

[felixspacepirate]

A pirate crew with a family dynamic go on fun adventures and do good crime!

[felixspacepirate]

Malken told Amira the other day that writing poetry might help jog her memory. Today, she came to us with this. She told us she doesn't know exactly what she's referencing here, but it's definitely one or two things that had a big influence on her. So... does this remind you guys of anything?

More Gadget Than Man (Incantatem Edition)

An accident causes a new life direction, Requiring a mechanical intervention, Replacing their pieces with new technology, Solidifying their moral ideology.

The father who burns before meeting his son, The uncle who works the case, solving none, But their family believe in them, despite all their flaws, For there is goodness within them, no matter the cause.

Two souls touched by fate to battle never-ending threats, One filled with hope, the other with regrets. An enforcer of laws, an imperial tyrant, A multi-tooled detective, a killer never silent.

So who will you be when you don the mask, Shun your dark side or turn your back On your former form and face toward Your future self, go go gadget laser sword.

[3000s]

nobody says stuff like "youre cruising for a bruising" anymore. they just say other stuff now

[felixspacepirate]

TOO TRUE

Waaaay too many people in the pirate scene especially, it's like they get less creative every generation. Where are the quips? The one liners? The innovative threats!?

I guess it's a good thing I'm in this for more than just the excitement...

[luvnotpercival]

Warning: audio drama; Very addictive!

[felixspacepirate]

Which one? All of them? This one? Well, you're right on both fronts ;)

[vosling]

I have been working on a podcast spreadsheet, logging basic info like title, creator, the description, and completion status. I'm also tagging the podcasts with descriptive genre/format tags like horror, sci-fi, weird, short form, "true crime", radio, noir, arctic, isolation, and more.

Right now I have 295 fiction podcasts listed and I'm still adding and tagging everything with (approx) genre. About half the podcasts have at least one tag right now. I'm so excited to have this list to log my own listening + to find recommendations for others :>

So... anyone looking for a new podcast to listen to? Let's take this thing for a test drive.

[felixspacepirate]

I have a suggestion...

[felixspacepirate]

Hey!

It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that.

Amira did the math. Our scheduled landing date is "December 27th" where she's from. Apparently that's around the time of a popular holiday? I don't really get it. She tried to explain part of it to me, but I think my confused looks got her to give up. Anyway, she told me to make a post about it since some people might find it cool, so here you are I guess.

See you starside.

Soon.

[felixspacepirate]

Okay, we can put that tale on the back burner for the time being. This has been a long trip, but we should get there soon. I don't like where we're going, or what I know we're gonna do there. Who we'll be getting involved with. Lots of things, now that I think about it.

But as much as I love the Witch, it's nice to get out and stretch my legs every once in a while. Anyway, I've gotta go get prepped for landing. I hope you all hear from me soon!

[felixspacepirate]

It hurts to tell this story. But not in a bad way, I don't think. More in the way that your muscles hurt when you stretch. A good pain, like a weight off my shoulders. Either way, let's pick up from where we left off.

"Please, I don't have much time. I have to help you."

The girl was crying hard, and the sound was growing closer, but after a few seconds, she offered her arm to the woman. The doctor held the young one close, wrapping her arms around her.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm so sorry," she whispered. She kissed the girl on her cheek and then brought the instrument to her forearm. Zam cried out in pain as the needle entered her skin, and then the doctor pressed a button on the end. The girl was still sobbing, but she looked up at the doctor with her wide crimson eyes.

"It hurts," she cried, shivering.

"It has to work. It has to work…" The doctor said, almost more to herself than the terrified daughter she cradled. The footsteps were getting closer. She didn't know how long she had until the guards reached her cell.

"I-I feel… I f-feel," said the girl, and the doctor felt her grow hot, like a fever. She hugged her closer, kissing her on the forehead and holding back her own tears.

There was a loud bang as the door burst open, and the doctor was briefly blinded as the room was filled with light from the hallway. A man in a lab coat stood in the entryway, flanked by guards on either side.

“It’s time, Apolita,” he said, without a hint of mercy.

“Gaius, please. Just give her another chance.”

“No more chances. She isn't capable. The only way she can help us now is through dissection.”

[felixspacepirate]

Hope you guys didn't mind that section of the story. I'm probably gonna start posting more about it, more for me than anything. I think it needs to be heard, not just by me. So let's start from the beginning.

The door to the cell creaked eerily as she turned the crank to open it. Light from the hallway began to peel its way into the quiet room. It was only a moment before it found its way to the face of the prisoner inside. Tiny eyes slowly started to blink awake under the thin covers of the bed. A small yawn came first, followed by a little girl rubbing her sleepy eyes. She was so tired, and the doctor could barely bring herself to rise the young one. But this was her only chance.

"Who's there?" the girl asked.

"Shh," said the voice from the door. "It's me."

"Momma?" asked the young girl.

"Yes, sweetie," said the doctor, stepping into the room. "It's momma, but I need you to be very quiet and listen to me, okay? Can you do that for me?"

"Yes, momma," said the little girl, still groggy from sleep.

The doctor approached the young one and knelt down, looking her over. She seemed healthy enough, though they had done a number on her. A large wound was still fresh around her right eye, and an old scar crossed over her lips and down the chin. There were bruises on her arms, and the doctor could see signs of them through her thin gown as well.

It infuriated her, but she didn't have time for outrage.

"I need you to hold out your arm for me, Zammy."

"W-why?"

"You have to take some medicine, honey." The doctor produced a medical instrument from her coat and the girl recoiled, pushing as far up her bed and away as she could.

"No more, momma, please," she whimpered.

"If there was any other way, Zam, any at all, you know I wouldn't make you-"

"Momma, I'm scared!" Zam began to cry.

"I know, sweetie, I know," the doctor reached out her hand and wiped the girl's violet cheeks. Then she heard it, the sounds she had been dreading for years: boots clacking against the floor in the distance.

"Please, Zammy," said the woman, desperation creeping into her voice. "We have to do this now. They're coming. Please, I don't have much time. I have to help you."

[felixspacepirate]

You guys like stories, right? I mean, you're here, so I guess so.

I've got a good one for you. I think about it a lot. It's the kind of thing I forget about for a bit, before the memory comes back like a wound breaking its stitches and reopening itself. I've been wondering whether to share it with you for a while, but screw it, right? I'm here, you're here, we'll just have to see how it goes. Here's a sample, to see if it really interests you:

Suddenly, the girl’s body fell limp, shocking everyone into a concerned silence. A moment passed before a stunning wave exploded outwards from her body shooting the guards away from her. She remained suspended in the air, her limbs spread with her body pressed forward. Her eyes opened with a magnificent glow and she began to speak in an otherworldly voice.

“Destruction looms in cosmic twilight, the elders must conquer!

"Their rule, a thousand years of light, or chaos shall conjure!

"Pride and power breed their fall, empire crumbles in dismay,

"'They Who Will Light the Way' must rise, Torchbearer leading the way.

"and those that try to possess the Witch, a cruel fate will they meet,

"Heinous death by time itself, their sacrifice complete.

"Whispers of conquest, fall, and rise, our role profound,

"In cosmic hands, their destiny, to ensure causality remains unbound."

The strain of this foreign, unchecked power caused green blood to leak from Zam's eyes and ears. The unknowable, possessive force released her from its grasp, and she fell from her suspension in mid-air. Apolita rushed forward, and grabbed the girl before she hit the ground. Her eyes were closed, her face was covered in green, and her breathing was slow, but she was alive. Zam groggily opened her eyes and looked around the room only to find that, aside from Apolita, everyone else had somehow aged until they were mere piles of bone. She started to weep again and buried her face in her mother figure's lab coat.

"It's alright, Zamriel. You're safe now," the doctor said as she rocked her child gently, just as confused and frightened as the girl she held.

[junk-thunder]

i had a dream that tumblr implemented a new feature where you could put physical items in someone's ask box so you could send handwritten letters and notes and stuff, but in practice you ended up needing to clean out your ask box weekly because people would just fill it with stuff like wet leaves and sand and ketchup

[felixspacepirate]

This should be a thing so people can send me money. That would be cool, I think.

[werateaudiodrama]

sometimes, i just wanna grab hold of all the podcast listeners who only know about the “big name” audio dramas, gently turn them around to take a look at all the delightful indies out there, and give them a little “look, everything the light touches could be yours”

[felixspacepirate]

There's not a lot that the light touches in space, but I'm sure we could still come to some kind of agreement.