Fleeting🫳🏻✨

21 year old wandering fae creature thing that doesn’t understand the world

[feltreckless]

Regaining my independence and confidence, pinned thread about my goals.

in this pinned post i’d like to document my goals and development of my confidence, if you’re doing the same thing feel free to join me! i’d love to meet other people who are struggling with independence and confidence, it would be great to meet people like me.

this post contains my goals, a key to see where i’m at when achieving these goals, and a short paragraph after i achieve a goal, sharing how i felt, if i would do it again, and how i think it helped me.

this post will be updated somewhat often.

What i would like to do this year:

- go to a restaurant and have a meal by myself

- go to a dance class

- have a drink at a bar by myself

- go see a movie myself

- be more active on instagram by posting more pictures of myself

- make an online dating profile (and not delete it after a week)

- go to a club

- go to the museum myself

- make some friends

- go on a date

- dye my hair at a salon

Emoji/colour Key:

Green = completed

Red = no longer a goal

Blue = active goal

😥 = made me nervous

🫠 = felt awkward

😮‍💨 = easier than i thought it would be

🥰 = loved it

😖 = hated it, never again

😊 = went ok

[feltreckless]

i’m so scared right now i got asked out on a date but i think i messed up the days, i think he wanted to change it to today but i’m not sure??? he agreed on friday but he mentioned something today in work about it but i’m not sure if it meant he wanted to change the day to today. i find it hard to concentrate on a conversation when i’m working and i was really stressed out in general, so i completely forgot the whole conversation.

i’m so nervous, i don’t want to him to think i ghosted him because i really like him! i wanna message him but i’m so scared that he hates me now or thinks i’m not interested.

i’m gonna send him a text saying something along the lines of “can’t wait for friday” to see if he responds with either “yeah me too” or “you mean today you dumb bitch?”

[feltreckless]

had to block my fwb because holy shit he’s become such an asshole, even straight up abusive to me.

the last time we saw each other was awful, he treated me like shit and did things that i don’t feel comfortable mentioning.

anyways, he’s in italy now?? don’t really care why but i noted that when i went on to his snap to block him. i even found his insta and blocked him there so he can’t reach out to me at all, thank god he doesn’t have my phone number.

i’m not going back this time.

[feltreckless]

she’s a 10 but she screams in pain from the ring sting of samyang noodles, she’s me

[feltreckless]

bought a pack of cigarettes and someone from my work (barely know him tbh) saw me and commented on it, now i’m scared he’s gonna tell my mom lmao.

not sure why im worried because im a 21 year old woman? i’ve harmed my body in more severe and permanent ways.

[feltreckless]

ok but i find it so funny when white americans make fun of europeans, baby, that’s you.

[feltreckless]

some life updates no one asked for.

To start, i’ve officially started classes this week! it’s only every monday but i have lots of resources to study when i’m not at class. the class itself is very small, only 7 students including myself, all adults too.

i’ve also removed the “go to a dance class” goal from my pinned for now, cause even though i paid for a class they kept pushing it back and i just gave up on it tbh. might try a different place in the future.

my love life is weird, i’m talking to a guy from work. he’s really nice, and really wants to take me out on a date but i’m so shy, i don’t know what to say to him at all even though i really like him and i’d like to see where we could go.

on the other hand, i can’t see myself letting go off my fwb. i like him too, and he’s been in my life for so many years that i can’t imagine a life without him, even though that’s probably what’s going to happen.

life is confusing.

[feltreckless]

so i follow a local tattoo artist, i love her work and she’s super talented i hope to get some work done from her one day.

she does insta q+a’s a lot which is fun, but she tends to mainly interact with the overtly sexual questions instead of the ones about you know, her job since it’s her work account and that’s what she wanted to questions to be about.

i don’t know if she does it to seem funny but it seems a bit unprofessional? responding to questions about her arse, her sex life, if she’s taken/sent nudes, if she’s in a relationship, is just so fucking weird to me and not something i think a professional should be saying especially on their work account.

her responses are weird too, she’ll be like “that’s weird to ask” but then respond anyway? like? wouldn’t it be better to block creeps like that? or to just not answer them, because you can just not respond?

just something that’s bothered me, not trying to shame her but i just can’t really look past it.

[feltreckless]

the pole dance place i booked my lesson for keeps pushing it back because no one else is applying for it 🙃 but awkward but they’re pretty nice and i don’t mind waiting, i have stuff i want to do today anyways so it worked out for them to push it back.

there’s a festival in my town today so i might go, even though it’s raining pretty bad. it’s not cold and there’s no wind so i shouldn’t be drenched, i’ll go there for some food and to see what stalls they have since they always have good stuff.

[feltreckless]

so i went to enrol for the maths class, and was told i have to take a different one because i don’t qualify for the one i applied for (even though i was told i could still take it?) anyways, i’m gonna try and study 2 hours a day before i start classes, it’s technically basic math but i haven’t done maths in like 5 years i need a good refresher so i don’t come off too stupid. mainly working on stuff i know i’m bad at, like percentages, fractions, and wordy maths questions. i’ll do other stuff too just as a reminder, and if i keep this up i should be ok for when i officially start.

[feltreckless]

it’s weird how i’m so scared to talk to people, and for ages i never really knew why. i know these people don’t hate me because they’re nice to me, so why do i hesitate to talk back?

then i remembered how i was treated in school.

any time i would open my mouth to say something, anything, i was told “shut the fuck up” “oh my god no one cares” “why are you even talking?” or i was just straight up ignored.

this made me crawl inside myself and stop speaking, because i was either made fun of or not listened too.

i still carry this to this day, i’m still nervous to speak to people because of how badly i was bullied, it’s not a reach to say that bullying traumatised me.

even when i got older people would still laugh at me for just existing or speaking, i was just not liked by anyone.

nothing i said was of value, nothing that came out of my mouth was taken seriously.

i’m still working on this, but i still get so anxious at the reactions of people when i talk, because i’m just expecting them to laugh in my face and tell me i’m stupid.

[feltreckless]

so i was the only person to book the taster class 🫠 ended up being moved to next week, this actually worked out in my favour though as i was able to go out to pride with my dad.

[feltreckless]

i booked my first pole dancing class!

i’m super excited but also nervous, the studio is a good 30 minute walk from the station but i’m used to walking long distances. it’s a morning class so i don’t have to worry about it getting too dark out and walking by myself, it’s in an area i haven’t been to before so that’s another new experience.

[feltreckless]

didn’t end up booking a hair appointment this week as i honestly didn’t like how the receptionist talked to me, idk maybe i’m being a bit too sensitive but i found that she was quite brash and rude to me because i didn’t understand the terminology she used. i understand that it’s hard when someone doesn’t understand you, but she straight up didn’t explain anything and just kept repeating what she said as if i wasn’t listening to her.

anyways, there’s a hair salon that’s literally down the street from me, i looked up their work and honestly i’m confident that they’ll be able to give me the result i want. they’re apparently much nicer too, which is great.

[feltreckless]

thinking about asking my doctor for medication for my body acne, i treat it myself but it just won’t go away no matter how well i treat it or how many expensive products i use.

[feltreckless]

are people my age really immature or do i only think that because i was expected to grow up quicker than normal so seeing normal behaviour is wrong to me?

[feltreckless]

does your anxiety ever get so bad that you can’t do anything? you can’t watch a film, you can’t play a game, you can’t read a book, you can’t even scroll through social media for very long. all you can do is just… sit there and not move or think.