Abusive parents will hurt you and then demand to control how you react to it, they will hit you and then shout at you for dodging or fighting back, they will scream, threaten, terrify and abuse you for years and then demand you stop displaying trauma symptoms. This is something that isnât even done to animals, you donât get angry if you hurt an animal and it escapes, or starts acting scared and upset around you, itâs obvious that itâs only natural and instinctive way to act. But abused children arenât even allowed that, our instincts to back away from pain, to show fear or reluctance to approach to those who have proven to be dangerous to us.
And to make it one step worse, whatâs expected of us constantly changes based on abuserâs mood, if abuser wants us to obey them out of pure terror, they want that terror to be seen on our face, it satisfies them, it reassures them they can control us, they donât want us to be normal or safe in those moments, we have to display terror thru blind obedience. But then, in other situations, they want us to act as if we were a nice cozy family all along, like they never terrified us at all, to hug them and display natural shows of affection and love, to tell them how much we appreciate them and act for others as if theyâre not scary at all. They want us to show trauma symptoms like strong self hatred, self blame, toxic shame and guilt, whenever they want to use it against us, but then at another moment have to figure out that now itâs the time to act as if nothing of this is happening and weâre happy and well adjusted, and any trauma symptom that reflects badly on them at this time, is forbidden.
One thing we are never, ever allowed to display, is our anger with them. Every attempt at showing anger or holding them accountable is met with punishment, violence, blaming and threats until they break us completely and make us feel helpless and hopeless. Because our anger is so on point, so righteous and gives us ability to dismantle our doubts, to know theyâre to be held accountable, that theyâre guilty and not us, itâs a big threat to all of the brainwashing and grooming, and they will go far out of their way to keep it repressed and directed at us instead.
Just how far do we have to control our nature and behaviour in order to survive? Living contained and controlled like this is torture. Taking responsibility for everything done to us, not knowing when weâre going to get hurt again just for failing to display wrong feelings at the wrong time? This is against human nature, itâs against life and freedom. No human can live like this, to have their entire life appropriated for someone elseâs benefit. Our lives and our feelings belong to us alone, the right to say what we feel without anyone violently silencing us or casting a doubt on weather itâs okay to express it or not, that belongs to us. We are not born to feel guilty for every emotion we feel that makes someone else looks bad, itâs their actions that make them bad, not our reactions to it. Our reactions do not appear out of thin air, theyâre consequences of real events. Nobody gets a monopoly on what weâre allowed to feel.
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