femmelan

19 year old, collegiate black girl. Around here, we believe in arched eyebrows, the spilling of tea, and the notion that black is the equivalent to gold. 

[femmelan-blog]

My Goals For 2017-2018

-practice using Sundays as a rest day -change my diet -exercise for 30 minutes 4-5 days a week -recreate my style (clothing/make up) -practice budgeting -pray more -read for leisure -practice better skin care -practice better hair care -raise my GPA -practice efficient studying

[femmelan-blog]

My sophomore year of college in a nutshell...

Listed in chronological order, I:

started a bullet journal

made new friends

got my first job

became apart of a community of women

smoked weed

tried my first edible

began rebuilding my relationship with God

got drunk one night

partied another night

listened to Solange

listened to Chance the Rapper

spoke in tongues for the first time

turned 19

voted

started a prayer journal

listened to Gospel music again

had a conversation about culture appropriation

attended my first alpha probate

walked in my first protest

wore my first wig

violated a university policy

petted animals

fought a whole lot

cried a whole lot

questioned my friendships

questioned my future

opened myself up

closed myself off again

failed a class

lost a friend

listened to Khelani

listened to 6lack

listened to Migos

partied some more

feared death

coasted

went to see “Get Out”

made plans

learned about sexuality

learned about being a woman

made a new friend

felt lonely

got drunk again

went hiking

tried being pescatarian 

went home with my roommate

partied some more

listened to Kendrick

listened to Khalid

attended my first Q probate

was immersed into the Nigerian culture

earned an award for “Unbounded Generosity”

got dressed up a lot

recognized and reflected upon my growth

went to the beach

rode a ferris wheel

attended my first delta probate

and celebrated a lot. 

All the shit I listed above severely lacks commonality, but it’s all of what lead me to where I am today. I am currently moving into my third year of college and I am terrified AF for what this year has in store for me.

[femmelan-blog]

Hello there!

I haven't been on here for a couple of months because I’ve been too busy with school. Thankfully, fall quarter has just ended and I will be on Christmas break for the next 4 weeks. I am hoping to utilize this time to finally amp up my Tumblr page. I created this blog as a safe space for me to vent, and reflect about my school career, and other life experiences (I may also post random ish in between). I’ve got a lot of crazy stories to tell so please, stick around! But before we dive into all of that, here are a few things you should know about me:

My gender pronouns are she/her/hers. I’m 19 years old. I’m from California- born and raised. I live at home with my mom and younger brother (well I can’t really say that anymore because I live at school). I’m a sophomore in college (in CA). I’m studying medicine, with the hopes of becoming a doctor. And I’m Black. Lol Everything else about me, can be left to your imagination.

P.S. Incase you're wondering, femmelan is a mix between female and melanin. 

[femmelan-blog]

A continuation of Black is me.

If you haven’t read  Black is me., please do so now before continuing.

http://femmelan.tumblr.com/post/149144004278/black-is-me

Although I, myself was not very interested in princesses and fairytales growing up, they still have a rather large following, and I think it is important for them to send a more positive image of womanhood to girls who are like my younger self. I am seeing changes in today’s entertainment industry from my earlier years. Diversification and woman power are now prominent themes. The one dimensional Barbie dolls I mentioned earlier are now taking steps to represent all girls. “Fans of the doll will eventually pick from 23 Barbies with different eye colors, hair colors, skin tones, face shapes and hair styles, according to Mattel… The latest line of diverse Barbies may find fans among a growing number of parents who want dolls to reflect the broad ethnic diversity of women and a wide range of possibilities for girls' futures,” (Hetter). And today’s princess stories are finally reaching out to a Black audience with the story of “The Princess and the Frog”, which breaks the platonic conventions of traditional fairytales. “The Mouse has officially crowned its first African-American princess. Her name is Tiana, and she's not sitting around waiting for some pretty fella in tights to whisk her away on horseback… Tiana is a jazz-era waitress in New Orleans, and baby, she's got dreams; once she scrapes together the down payment, she plans to open her own classy restaurant,” (Biancolli). 

Hopefully in the future, society will continue to progress and to become more accepting and nurturing. It’s the diversity in humanity that makes us all beautiful. The world would be dull place if everyone looked the same way. And it is that lesson that I’ve come to learn. I am looked at by society as being different- and that makes me all the more beautiful.

Hetter, Katia. "Barbie Is Getting More Real." CNN. Cable News Network, 5 June 2015. Web. 18 Aug. 2016. 

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/05/living/barbie-flat-feet-more-diverse-feat/

Biancolli, Amy. "The Princess and the Frog." Houston Chronicle. N.p., 10 Dec. 2009. Web. 18 Aug. 2016.

http://www.chron.com/entertainment/movies/article/The-Princess-and-the-Frog-1535687.php

[femmelan-blog]

Black is me.

When I was a little girl, my mother refused to buy me Barbie dolls. I remember her saying that when she was younger, those dolls were made specifically for White girls to play with. I didn’t understand the meaning of this then, but over the years I’ve learned that I’m looked at by society as being different. Retracing my history to the days where racism was alive and well, I learned that little Black girls could not even share the same toys as little White girls. Their kind got to play with pretty dolls while my kind was reduced to homemade rag dolls. And there was no logical reasoning to this discrimination- this judgement was solely based upon appearances. And having to learn at such an early age that older American society decided that my people were ugly, I couldn’t sit comfortably in my own skin. 

When I got to middle school, and boys and girls became more infatuated by one another, I couldn’t help but feel left out when I noticed that all of the boys around me would be flirtatious towards the other girls, and not to me. I was usually the one being made fun of for the way that I looked. All my life, I’ve always had shorter hair, and I didn’t mind it until the boys at school would make fun of me for it. When I would wear my hair back and in a ponytail, they would snicker behind my back about how small my ponytail was. I remember sitting at the benches in the lunch area and turning around to see two boys looking at me and holding up their hand to measure the length of my ponytail with their thumb and index finger. I didn’t understand why I was being made fun of, and it was then that my hair became one of my biggest insecurities. I didn’t want to go to school with my hair in ponytails anymore. I started to think that my I had bad hair because I was Black. My hair was so short, nappy, thick, coarse, dry, stiff, unmanageable, ugly. I wanted my mother to press and curl my hair every day to give it length, volume, and life; to make it look good for everyone else. I used to compare my hair to my friends’ hair and wish that I had hair like theirs. Their hair was so long, flowy, and beautiful, and that’s what the boys liked. 

In later years, I no longer struggled with my hair, but with my body image. It was my senior year of high school, and I was getting ready to go to Homecoming. My mom had taken me out shopping one night to find a dress to wear to the dance, and while we were shopping, I kept trying on dress after dress, only to that none of them were right for me. I came across this black, bodycon dress that I thought was cute until I put it on. I was standing in the dressing room mirror staring at my arms, chest, and legs, never realizing until that point how skinny I was. People have always told me I was skinny, but I had never seen my body in this way before. I would usually go for the A-line dresses that were more fitted on the top, and flowy at the bottom. This was the first skin tight dress I had ever put on, and I was mortified! My mother came in the dressing room to look at me in the dress, and I remember telling her that I didn’t like it because I thought that I was too skinny to wear it. She laughed and jokingly responded, “That’s the best time for you to wear a dress like that!” I assumed that she was saying that if I was fat, I wouldn’t be able to wear it, but I don’t think she understood what I was really trying to say. And, right after she said that, I remember thinking that what she said was so backwards. I had it in my mind that bigger, and curvier girls would be able to pull off a slimming dress better than a girl who just fell flat. And in my culture, big breast and thick thighs are idolized, and that’s a standard I was never be able to live up to. And I remember feeling so frustrated and defeated because of it. 

I’m sharing my story with you today because in my writing class, we have been discussing the different societal themes exhibited in fairytales. I chose to discuss beauty and the theme of how society forces young girls to look at themselves and judge their own appearances because of what they’re taught about beauty. Revisiting the story of Snow White made me reflect upon all of my own shortcomings in regards to my own self-esteem. I’ve come to realize that I relate to the evil queen to some extent. She, like myself looked to others for confirmation of her beauty when she should’ve been reaching within herself for her own confirmation. She let another person’s (or mirror’s) comments dictate how she saw herself, and it tarnished her soul in the end. I, however, had to learn rather quickly to deviate from the road to self-hate. Whenever I received unsolicited complements, I internalized them until I thought them to be true. This helped me cloud out the judgement and appreciate the different aspects of my being. Now, at 18 years old, I’m in a much better place with myself. From my middle school self, I’ve learned that Black hair is the best hair and from my high school self, I’ve learned that my long, skinny arms and legs allow me to reach new heights.

[micdotcom]

Watch: In one epic rant, this college student nails everything that’s wrong with America’s collegiate system

[sonoanthony]

My Niggaaaaaaaaa @blackademics

[onlyblackgirl]

Why they ain’t put his name in the article……

[fonzworthcutlass]

@blackademics I see you broGod!

[sipnsyphe]

@blackademics you famous fam

[beautifulyunglady]

@blackademics we all see you!

[akbradford-deactivated20190119]

By the time I was a Senior in college my GPA dropped more and more each year. By my senior year I was so depressed that I did nothing but sleep. We gotta fix this!

[femmelan-blog]

I believe it 🙌🙌🙌

[madeupmonkeyshit]

[femmelan-blog]

Honestly 😂

[femmelan-blog]

I love the summer time. It gives me the opportunity to fall in love with myself again.

[femmelan-blog]

If I could have one super power,

it would be to travel back in time.

[femmelan-blog]

This is me af. 😂😂😂

[femmelan-blog]

It’s kind of funny. I was just thinking about how my friend always laughs at me because she notices how I respond to people who aren’t black and are complimenting me on my hair (I’m usually having long box braids or various styles of twists). After thinking about it for some time, I've just recently come to realize that I don’t think I necessarily like it when someone who isn’t black compliments me on my hair. It’s like a bittersweet. I can take the compliment, smile and say thank you, but then afterwards, this person wants to proceed to have a conversation to discuss with me what little knowledge they think they have about Black hair. First, they toss up a question like, “How long did it take to get it done”? I answer. Then they proceed to say something like, “Oh yeah, cause my friend also says hers take the whole day to do too.” Mind you, this friend they like to cite as their reliable source is most likely the single black friend they have… Okay girl. 🐸☕️  Now, even though this isn’t the most ignorant of conversations I’ve ever had with a non-black person regarding my hair, this is probably the most frequently taken route. Either way, the one thing they all have in common is that they end with my lack of patience.

[femmelan-blog]

So, I took some time and compiled a list of random life lessons I've learned my first few months of college. Not listed in any particular order, they are:

Don't ever wait until the day it’s due to print out an assignment. It’s okay to say no. Not everyone is your friend but that’s cool too. You don’t ever need to explain yourself. NEVER hesitate to ask for help. Think before you speak. Before even stepping foot onto a college campus, you should seriously consider setting your ego aside. GO TO TUTORING. Never go to two parties in one weekend. Eat breakfast every morning. Once you make it to college, everything you’ve ever done in high school won’t matter anymore. Don’t go anywhere without putting your eyebrows on. Lying is never okay. Life goes by SOOO fast. Don’t wear heels to the library. TAKE YOUR ASS TO CLASS. Study groups ain’t shit. Peer pressure is real. You do not have to take life SO seriously. It’s okay do something spontaneous and stupid every once in a while. Grades should be your first, second, and third priority! FUCKING STUDY BITCH. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. NEVER forget where you came from. You will do every single thing you once swore you would never do. Just do it. Squads only exist in high school. Don't wear leggings to class. Your family and friends are always waiting for you at home. You will need a shoulder to cry on. Don’t make up lies/random excuses just to get out of hanging out with friends. Everyone is different. Always be mindful of your health. Always remember to just do you boo.