Guido

I know words.

[ferrarisufferer165]

No surprises

The starting note of No Surprises by Radiohead is what it sounds like to watch your family continue with their lives once you move away from home. One moment, you love the life you built for yourself, you fall in love with the independence, you fall in love with strangers on skateboards that you watch from afar, you fall in love with your friend's laugh, you fall in love with the view from your window, you fall in love with strangers in bookshops buying books you adore, you fall in love with this new world that is yours and yours alone, yet the next moment your Mother calls you to show how everyone is gathered together and having a meal and the next thing you know, you sit on the floor in your room with a void so deep nothing could ever fill it; you ache for the taste of food that tastes like home, you ache for the laughter from movie nights with your siblings, you ache for the comfort of a hug only a hometown friend can provide, you ache for the smell of your father's perfume, you ache for the sound of conversation between your parents, you ache for the subtle banging of kitchen utensils, you ache for a home where the line between independence and loneliness doesn't blur. You wish you could have left the old you behind in your childhood home, yet the old you haunts you in those moments. It taunts you for desperately praying to get out of your hometown, it laughs at you. Eventually, the new you takes over. Everything goes back to the way it was. Your friend calls you so you two can eat together. You laugh at her silly story of spilling coffee all over herself. What happens to the void in those moments? It hides behind your old self. It waits for your Mother to call again. It lingers.

[ferrarisufferer165]

Roman Empire

I think my roman empire will always be how I won't be able to explain the void in my own heart. It arises at unexpected occasions and it makes me sick that I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I never know what to do with it. It eats me up from the inside. I will never be able to tell someone just how much I need them. I will never be able to explain just how much I want to be loved. Amidst all of this, I will slowly lose myself to my own void till there is nothing left of me except a shell of sadness. I love so deeply and so tremendously that my heart aches but being loved makes me so scared I run away every single time. All I will ever do is watch people around me accept the love they think they deserve while I convince myself that love simply was never for me because I can take care of myself. The truth is, I will always yearn for love and I will always watch it from a far. It will always be close enough for me to touch but always too far for me to hold. I will watch as I slowly descend into madness because I will always wait for someone to save me but I will never allow anyone to save me. I will always sit by and grieve over lost things I never had. At the end of the day, I will always hold myself close just because I could never stand to lose myself to another person.

[ferrarisufferer165]

Blue

Sometimes I can't figure out why I love sad things so much. All my favorite books are sad, all my favorite films are sad, my entire Spotify playlist is sad, why? Then there are days when I realize that I have an unexplained void of sadness within me that I can never explain. It's always there. It's always lingering. Even in my happiest moments all I can think about is how I want to run away and disappear. The sadness has been within me since I was a child. It's a part of me. It is me. All this sad media that I consume make me feel at home. It does not make me sad, it makes me comfortable. I do not know what to do about it except to let it swallow me whole till I am nothing but blue. I love that feeling. My sadness is my own blank canvas. I am free within it, free to paint and spin it however I want. To me, my sadness is freedom. What is it about this world that makes me so melancholy? Is it the world or is it me? However, I know it is not the sadness that will kill me one day, but the absence of it. Sadness is home. Do I want to love my home or destroy it? My home is a shade of blue that I can never recreate. It's the blue of a lost sense of nostalgia, it's the blue of not experiencing teenage love, it's the blue of a lost childhood, it's the blue of suppressed rage, it's the blue of eating pealed fruits at home knowing you have to leave and you'll never truly call it home again, it's the blue of your Mother and Father's unfulfilled dreams, it's the blue that is mine and mine alone. Mitski said her love was her own. For me, my blue is my own.

[ferrarisufferer165]

Blur

I know everyone talks about the fact that life moves fast but no one prepares you for what it leaves behind. Everyone talks about just how painful goodbyes are but no one talks about the goodbyes that never happen. No one prepared me for the fact that one day I would sit in my college room and realise that my school friends no longer constitute my whole life. No one prepared me for the pain their memories would bring. No one prepared me for the fact that none of us ever said goodbye to each other, that time just made us all fade farther and farther away till all that is left of all that love is an echo. The thing is, it is no one's fault. It couldn't have lasted forever, nothing does. However, in those moments, life had felt infinite. My laughter and happiness had felt infinite. I will never forget how my brother once said I glowed everytime I met my friends. I will never forget how they used to come to my house whenever they sensed my depression was taking over again. I will never forget how there were times I felt so much love for them that I thought my heart would explode. Now, I am slowly forgetting what their embrace felt like. Now, we're all in different cities in new chapters of our lives. I didn't realise when they went from my present to my past. I never imagined a future without them. Yet, I am happy even in this future. Life seems to be nothing more than the art of letting go. I still carry them with me everywhere. My room wall only has their pictures. I wish I had an outlet for all this unexpressed love. My pain is a reminder of that love. I cherish this pain. Even though I am so far away now, I still think feel the warmth of those memories. I hope life is kind to them. I hope they feel so fully loved they do not know what to do with all that love. I hope I never stop feeling this pain.

[ferrarisufferer165]

The Ferrari dream

There's something so infinitely tragic about the bond Ferrari drivers share. It's not something as simple as trauma bonding. It's the way Kimi said in an interview that he told Charles to just keep his head low and do his work and just not involve himself in the politics of the team. It's like Kimi knew exactly what was going to happen. He looked at this young brash talent who was going to replace him in Ferrari, whose dreams had always been painted a hue of red, and he knew how the story would end because he had been that boy once. It's the way Seb wrote on Charles's helmet saying whatever you do, just be happy. Seb watched as Ferrari cast him aside and decided they didn't want him anymore. He watched as they broke him bit by bit and then decided he wasn't good enough. He stood still as he bled for Ferrari but it just got seeped into their red soil. He watched this young guy, their new hero for tomorrow, and he knew the instant Charles came that they would do the same to him. I wonder if Kimi and Seb ever talk about Charles, I wonder if they ever talk about the way he has already bled so much for Ferrari that he is red, he is the red dream. This unspoken bond between Ferrari drivers, this deadly hope of thinking, "I'll be the one to change things," that open wound of not only knowing you failed but seeing the story repeat itself over and over again, there's something so tragically poetic about the way time stands still like the prancing horse in their logo. Now, as Charles bleeds and fights and holds onto his dream, the way he always reaffirms his love for Ferrari, do Kimi and Seb look at him and feel pity? Or do they understand the feeling of bleeding from an open wound but relishing the pain because it means you're trying your best?

[ferrarisufferer165]

Brocedes lore

The reason Brocedes can never be replicated is that it was never just a sporting rivalry. Being childhood besties with someone means bonding your inner child with someone else's, sharing your hopes and dreams with them not just saying, "I want to achieve this" but saying, " I want to achieve this with you by my side." It's the way Nico goes out of his way to mention Lewis because it makes him real, it's the way he knew Lewis was holding his breath on his pole lap before Lewis even said it himself, it's the way he is critical about Lewis but can't stand it when someone else does it, it's the way Nico asked Lewis, "you're still flat out motivated, right?" not as an interviewer but as someone who knows Lewis is a fighter through and through, it's the way that was the only time Lewis looked at Nico and smiled because he understood Nico was saying, "I know you. I remember you. I know you don't give up," it's the way Lewis has a working relationship with Alonso who bribed mechanics but refuses to say Nico's name because being hurt by someone is depthless while hating someone can be defined, it's the way Lewis said, "and a better teammate," with regret lacing his voice knowing Nico was listening as a way of acknowledging the hurt was mutual after all these years, it's the way Lewis rarely calls anyone his friend but called Nico his best friend and then stopped saying his name at all when he got hurt, it's the way shutting out your childhood best friend means suppressing your inner child who never stops loving them. It's the way hating them is never an option because hate requires the absence of love but hurt can co-exist with said love. The reason everyone still talks about Brocedes is that we all know what it feels like to lose someone knowing it can never be the same again. Brocedes was never a simple rivalry, it was the embodiment of what it means to get hurt.

[eirianerisdar]

Okay I’m sorry but the SHEER ANGST AND WHAT-IFS of Brocedes in that interview

The way Nico stuttered in that interview when he didn’t with Max and George. The way he bailed out of saying “It’s good to see you” and said “it’s good to see the positivity” until the end of the interview where he finally said it because Lewis was going and it was socially more acceptable

The way Lewis kept on self-soothing by rubbing his ear and scratching his head and spent over half the interview looking at the crowds and calmed down a little only when he realised Nico wasn’t going to be chaotic

And it wasn’t until Nico said “You’re still flat out motivated, right?” that Lewis looked him full in the face and smiled because that wasn’t a Sky news presenter asking a P2 driver a question. That was Nico Rosberg telling Lewis Hamilton the only way he knew how that Nico knows Lewis is still a champion and will still push no matter the dominance of the Red Bulls. That was Nico Rosberg saying I knew you would be here, Lewis. I know you’ll fight back.

Nico‘s been pushing Lewis all weekend even without seeing him; he pushed him in FP3 when Lewis didn’t come out on the inters and tried to get Merc’s communications director to make Lewis practice damp laps; he kept repeating that Lewis has this, that Lewis is an amazing driver. He asked Toto to his face why Mercedes hasn’t re-signed Lewis yet.

Lewis always said Nico’s the one who pushed him the most since they were kids. We can see it’s still true here.

Nico has been, and always will be, the one who pushes Lewis towards his next championship. Even if they aren’t friends anymore, even if all he can do to express his support is to say You’ll keep pushing. You’ll always keep pushing.