A letter to the brother that abandoned me as a child.
Dear Supposed Brother,
Hey how have you been? It’s been about a year since I last saw you. You have been on my mind constantly lately, so I figured I would get out what I have always wanted to say to you even though you probably will never see this I need to get this off my mind. What on earth did we do to deserve you abandoning us? Especially a 5 year old girl who barely understood the world. I didn’t know that you were off doing drugs or getting in trouble with the law. Not at the time at least. I found out when I was 11 though I started hating you for breaking your promise when I was 8.
16 years. 16 years is how long you have dragged me through all this pain, how long you have dragged the family through this pain. Especially with your children who now want nothing to do with you, a responsible parent wouldn’t take their child to McDonalds while the parent was drunk and start yelling at the child in public. The promise you made when I was 5 that you would come to every one of my events, you never came, and when I asked why you didn’t, your excuse wasn’t even valid. One being that you couldn’t find a ride when in reality our own father was willing to pick you up and take you there.
When you showed up to my spring musical my sophomore year of High School, you assumed everything was ok for me. It wasn’t. I was furious. I wanted to knock you to the ground. You showed up to that one but what about all the others? Oh right. Doing what you usually do. Those things I found out about when I was 11. The next year for the spring musical, a fellow cast member asked me if I knew the name on the news report, I said yes, because it was your name, he told me that you were arrested on assault charges. I read the story for myself. I was embarrassed beyond belief. Things like this ruin our family’s good name. It hurt because even though I hated you I still had hope that you would turn your life around. But I know now that I am almost 21 that will never happen.
I have tried to forgive you for all the pain you have caused me. But then you would go and blow it. That trip to NYC was a business trip for me. You went and made it about yourself when you signed up for the same thing I did. You made the trip about yourself when it was in reality for me to take the next step towards achieving my dream of being a professional singer. Even though it was still fun being there, you ultimately ruined that trip for me. I didn’t even want you on the trip in the first place, I only let you come with us so Dad would be happy.
Speaking of dad, why do you always yell at him when he says no for handouts? his condition is getting worse each day. To the point where my mother has to help him write the checks each month, he can’t even remember some of his friends names at times. I spent 20 minutes being patient with him re-teaching him how to use the speaker mode on his iPhone. The birthday’s he would have you never called or texted, nothing! It’s the same with the rest of us! Do you even know when our birthdays? Guess not. Yet you ask him for hand outs and use that money either on Weed or on cigarettes (which is stupid since you have asthma) or just gamble it all at the casino. Instead of doing all that maybe you should be with your family in his time of need.
I’m protecting this family from now on, because family is something you don’t give up on for your own selfish reasons. These are people worth protecting. I have 4 brothers now, you are not one of them. My friends are part of my family, I know they would never let me down, my true friends would NEVER abandon me, NEVER put me through the pain you did. They would always be by my side. Something you could never do. As for your children, my dear Niece and nephew, they look up to me and the rest of the family because we care about them and care for them. Part of me wishes that you didn’t exist but if you didn’t exist they wouldn’t either.
Out of all the things that you have done I do say there are a couple good things about this. The pain you put me through has made me stronger. The person I am today is mostly because all the pain you caused me. You gave the family your amazing son and daughter, she has grown into a smart, kind and beautiful teenager, he has turned into my gaming buddy when he comes to visit and I’m home from college. I love seeing their smiling faces whenever I can. As I am writing this I am on the verge of tears, I still want the brother I knew before abandoning the family. The 5 year old girl who’s heart is broken is still here. Only thing is, she knows that her heart can never be repaired, forever broken. As for the 21 year old who hates you to this day, she sometimes feels the same as the 5 year old even though she has 4 little brothers. She still cries herself to sleep at night from time to time as a way to ease the pain. While I still do this, when people ask me how many siblings do I have, I still say I’m too nice because I say I have a half brother and one older sister. I’m proud of my sister. Why I still mention you is because of your children. While I say I never want to see you again, its for your own good. I never want to hurt anyone, not even you for all the pain you caused this family. People see me as a happy go lucky type of person. I wish I could be that way around you.
If you want to make it up to me, I don’t know how you could, and personally I don’t think you can. I will feel numb to the pain eventually but for now I’m still bleeding. It’s best if you leave us alone until everyone especially me can come to terms of forgiving you without you blowing it again.
Thanks for listening.
-Jenny Spade
