"Killua?" Gon asked quietly when he finally spotted the lone figure outside. It was the middle of the night and Gon had woken up only to find Killua missing from his bed, so naturally he was concerned. "Is...everything OK?"
Breathe in. Breathe out. Control it. Don’t let him sense it.
Was it possible feeling so pressured, so agonizingly sad and lost in your own sorrowful pain, that you actually don’t see any difference between a chaotic nightmare and your living reality? Was it possible to feel emotions crushing your body more than the actual enemy? Was it possible to hate something, yet hope the best comes from it? Was it possible to cry until your eyes burn in red, deeply wanting to smile instead? Was it possible to remain scared, but still fight with all your soul and heart as if it was only natural to do so? Was it really possible to be THAT messed up? Everything he did before meeting him ———— all the pain he experienced, all the blood that was spilled and dirtied his clothes for no good reasons ———— it felt so insignificant. Small, even. So horribly simple and empty. How many lives did he take away? How much grief did he cause? Would he ever remember all those faces, all those voices and prayers? No. It was nothing but a mere blur, a far away memory. All of sudden, the boy felt that his sins were heavier than his original conception and couldn’t believe himself for feeling like that. Yes, the silver-haired knew it was business back then. Many times, he was even being controlled without realizing. Even so… why that started bothering him so much? Was it because of the Chimeras? Was it because he felt like he was about to die and preparing himself to face Hell? How long would his spirit burn down there, anyway? Would he even die slowly? No regrets at all? Fighting mightily? Would anyone remember his name? Would anyone… cry? SUFFOCATING. In those well lived years, the hunter became a different person as he was fighting alongside his brunette friend no mattering the costs and consequences. Loyalty, friendship, dreams. Finally, all those words made perfect sense! At long last he had something to call precious, to make him feel more human. A weakness that was also his strongest power: their connection. It felt cliché saying such things, heck, it didn’t even sound like him! Nevertheless, truer words were never spoken before; if he was with him, he would face all enemies and difficulties. He was ready to sacrifice himself in order to keep his friend safe or to make him smile like those old day. Be a good machine, if necessary. Give all his soul. Then why ——– why did he feel so shaking and scared?! C O W A R D.
However, before the boy could continue his silent and invisible cry of agony and struggle, a friendly familiar voice reached his ears, making all his body freeze in a heartbeat. He couldn’t turn to face him now. Not after all those thoughts and speculations. Not after everything he did. Not after everything he felt. Maybe it was crazy but ——– he had the impression that if he turned to stare him, Gon would be haunted forever. The island boy would feel everything that those dark eyes were hiding for a long time, fears so well kept to himself and unsaid sour words which probably would drown him in greater frustrations. And right now… the young Zoldyck was supposed to be, ironically or not, that hero’s sanctuary. It hurt. It really, really hurt lying to him so well when all his concerns and sadness were right at the tip of the tongue, ready to be spilled out into a loud cry. But O, Heavens forgive him, he had to! The lad just bit his own selifsh words, restraining himself and letting out a single brief sigh; a forged sweet, comforting even, voice being intoned from his pale lips. His fists were well closed, as was his heart right then.
‘ i’m fine, i just couldn’t sleep well. ’
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