Field Notes and Musings

This curated space is where she shares her field notes and musings on this grand adventure called life. PS: Don't grow up. It's a trap.

[thequotespot]

Sometimes life feels like a book we cannot put down, but each chapter brings unexpected pain. Failures haunt our pages, and love leaves stains we cannot erase. Yet, in the margins of these struggles, we find lessons, small sparks of hope, and the courage to turn the page toward something brighter.

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Life is how you curate it

Made a mini vlog to compile some random moments and my life's highlights lately.

Here's 8 positive things so far

Got a new haircut

New desk set up. Finally bought a monitor so my eyes aren't suffering as much now

Explored a grocery store in the city that I have never been to

Tried the famous banana milk drink frequently featured in kdramas

Tried to do my work in a cafe for a change

Took a much needed 1-day VL to run some errands that has been pending for months

Slowly starting to journal and do devotionals again

Reached out to my friends

I really hope these small steps will make a difference. How y'all getting by?

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ON PROCRASTINATION AND PRODUCTIVITY

It has been a season of procrastination for the past few months. I am feeling very lazy. I can't seem to finish my work targets. It is very hard to find things that spark joy these days. After getting back from abroad, I've gone out for a few times only. I used to recharge by going out before. But I'm too lazy now to make plans. I miss a lot of people but I'm too lazy to even reach out.

I've came across Joyce idea of having an accountability partner because sometimes we can be too kind to our selves and we give too much credit to ourselves to the point that it isn't good for us anymore so we need someone to check us up. That is actually a good idea. But my manager kind of already does that so I guess one is already plenty. Hello to my red flag.

But honestly, I feel like sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. My work requires me to study, analyze and learn new and difficult concepts everyday but I don't have the motivation to do so. I am just too lazy to work on anything. I've got no motivation and I've got no plans. Booyah to myself 2 years ago who's full of spark and joy. Where are you now?

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Life Lately

It’s been ages since my last update. I guess I just had more things to take interest into. This space has been very therapeutic to me during my abroad season. But, I kind of disregarded this space for a year. I just celebrated my 1 year being back to the place I am most comfortable to and where I am most happiest, Philippines To be honest, the transition was not easy as I thought it would be especially on the career part.  I will be celebrating my 1st year in my current company. My biggest takeaway for my first year is that even if you love your current job setup, it is not everyday that it is like that. There are days when you wake up feeling lazy and not motivated to work. There are days when you are not in your best self. Tamang breakdown lang talaga tapos laban ulit. 

Sometimes, there are things I miss about being abroad. There are times when I think about what life would be if I decided not to go back. But the idea doesn’t linger long because I am really okay at where I am right now. Despite the many challenges of resetting my life, my emotional wellbeing is better that my 1 year ago self. I could not ask for more. 

I, actually, don’t relate much on other people feeling left behind in life. I’ve came across an fb story saying that people who settle for less and settle at where they are right now are just afraid to aim higher because they do not want to be disappointed for the not reaching the things that they set for themselves. It was a good idea to ponder on but I kind of disagree on it as someone who just want a simple, calm and modest life. I know that would be true for some. But, I believe that people just have different values and it is not being a coward for not wanting to aim higher and settling for whatever. People just have different definition of success or a perfect life. Not conforming to the majority doesn’t mean the life you choose is wrong.  At my current disposition, it feels like today is a new year. Anyways, I don’t think I will be able to post in this space as much. I do have a lot of things going on in the moment that 24 hours doesn’t feel enough. Well, that is me being a red flag (not being able to manage and balance my time well).  I just hope everyone will do fine even not 100% because it is okay not to feel okay 100%. I am just dropping by but I don’t think I will linger on. Maybe, I’ll be back after 1 year again (lol). 

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Living for the little things

There is great joy to be found in slow living. I am grateful that I could take my time in the morning soaking myself in the beauty that surrounds me and appreciating the life that I have now. I am amazed how thing have worked this way. God is good, is all I can say.

In terms of work, it has been chill so far. There is no pressure yet. I like that I am able to review my organic chem. It’s funny how I have to deal with a lot of org chem when I was not good at this subject in college. I am getting by. Indeed, life has a funny way of working out. I also like that I have the freedom for my work set up because I am able to make use of my creativity. I really don’t feel like I am working but more like studying, which surprisingly I am loving a lot. Well, I know this will be for now since I am still on the training phase. 

Since coming home, there has been a lot of source of joy. Me and my fam is currently busy with our little passion project - baking and selling cookies, cupcakes, customized cake and kakanin. But, most of the time, I am just at home savoring my time and spending a lot of time on Shoppee checking stuff. Sometimes, I baby sit my nephew. Once in a while, I meet up with my friends. On few weekends, I and my ate/Mama go to the mall to do groceries.

I am living for these little things that spark joy in this new season of my life.  I am contented at where I am right now. I am grateful that I have finally settled in. I am grateful for living with the miracles that God has granted to me.

A letter to whoever you are: 

I really hope you find your path in life and not feel very lost. I hope you will come to a point in life where you feel like all the sufferings has finally come to an end and that what is ahead are just filled with joy even knowing that there might be challenges in between. If you find yourself in the season of waiting or in the season of discovery, I hope you appreciate where you are and how far you have come. If you find yourself lost, rest knowing that where you are now is just season. If life seems demotivating, I hope you find courage to change the course of your life and I hope you always find a silver lining in your life. I hope you define success in your own terms. I hope you appreciate your journey and celebrate your little successes. I hope you find what sparks joy in you and live for these things. I hope for your happiness.  With God’s grace, guidance and mercy, I hope all things will align for you.

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Pursuing the life you want to live

God has fulfilled his miracles to my life. I am living by His graces. It is amusing how different my disposition now and the months before.  The last months was filled with fear, anxiety and uncertainty. Now, I am moving forward full of hope and excitement. It is weird, but I had a lot of Deja vu moments following my big leap of faith going abroad and finally deciding to go home. It was as if God was saying to me that I don’t have to be anxious because what is happening to my life is His will. Actually, it scares me, because I feel like I might be given a big responsibility like Moses, Joseph or David in the Bible. I just interpreted it as God saying to me to believe in the way that He has prepared for me.

The blessings that I am receiving reminds me of this verse.

“'The pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming. '  - Romans 8:18

It is still surreal that I got hired a month and a half after quitting my previous job. It is amazing how I did not get the other three jobs I was interviewed for and all the other job applications I applied for and actually got a job that could be my Ikigai and would be able to help me pursue the life I want to live (a calm, slow and simple life). I want this new job to be my last. I feel like this would be my last. I want to treasure this gift. So, I want to make a game plan how will I move forward. 1. Don’t take time for granted. 2. Study harder. 3. Do not forget to be grateful for God’s graces. 4. Continue to do the things that sparked joy in your life (journaling, listening to podcasts, Tedx talks, finding new good music and meditating/exercising) and find new things that spark joy. 5. Continue to seek God (read the bible and join a community of believers) 6. Appreciate the little things in life (the beauty of nature, memories and moments). 7. Eat nutritious food. 8. Meet and talk with friends and family. 9. Build a routine and system. 10. Create a financial goal.

I want to honor God’s graces by doing my best now and not taking for granted the blessings I am receiving. To better days.

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To you who have made a leap of faith

The journey has finally ended. My manager told me and my workmate on our last day that he is reluctantly letting us go, that the work we have done with the company has been good and that he wishes us good luck in life. It felt good to hear the words of affirmation from our manager. It was the best way to cap my 2 year journey.

I would consider finishing this journey as another milestone in life and something that I want to be proud of. However, I wouldn't deny that the past 2 years has been one of the hardest years of my life. But, those years has helped me grow in wisdom.

Looking back on those 2 years, God has really been so good to me. I wouldn't make it through without the grace of God. God's blessings are amazing (the blessing of good colleagues, good health, wisdom, courage and strength during difficult moments).

Instead of being anxious, I decided to enjoy the last moments that I had, tho most of my last moments were spent packing.

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Welcome to the End

03.03.22. My curtains are finally closing for me.

I don't feel light because the work turn over has stressed me out. I don't have time to feel sentimental because I am still handling some transactions. Even on my last days, I still don't feel good about myself. Booyah!

This two years has been the hardest. There are many overwhelming emotions which I had to deal with. But, this experience has empowered me. I am grateful for my team mates. I would not be able to make it through without them. I haven't really had a time to uproot myself. It seems surreal to finally come to the end of this journey.

This ending is totally different from before. Last time, there was excitement because I was about to transition to something which was only a dream before - going abroad. Now, it is simply an end and a goodbye. I should be excited because I'm finally going back home. However, fear, my loyal friend, seems more clingy than ever, thus, making me dwell on the future, negatively (career wise and financially). These days, celebrating the little things gets even harder each day. Lately, my mindset has been on the wrong side.

I guess, transitions has always been difficult and emotionally draining as you feel a lot of things at once. Sometimes, I feel like people may say that: "sayang, napalad na sana akong mag-abroad", which I say to myself too, but deciding to go home, saying goodbye to my job and deciding to start over again just feels right. I cannot see no other ending than what it is now.

My takeaways for this journey:

1. There is always a price to pay for the life you want to live.

2. You have options. You just have to widen your nets, listen to the sign of times and to yourself and to have courage to decide which way to go.

3. Success is subjective. As for me, I realized I just want to live a calm & simple life rather than always pursuing success which only brings constant restlessness (inspired by Einstein's quote).

4. We are allowed to fail. If you tried, you did not lose. You win. If you found something that isn't for you, then good. You just made one thing off your list. Go find more and keep simplifying your life.

5. We can drive our sails. But, it is God who has the compass to our lives, only him can control the wind and waters and the course of our sails.

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Warrior Up and Reset 2022

As per The Simplicity Habit Website, in order not to feel stuck, you have to set new goals based on your new dreams.

I have fulfilled my dream of going abroad. So, I should find new dreams. As I look again at my Ghant Chart which I made in 2020, I realized I did not actually include career goals. I guess finding a fulfilling job was not as important as it is for me right now. Maybe I was too assuming that everything will just fall at the right place.

There is a lot of uncertainty for me this year, more than ever. I decided not to renew contracts so I will need to go home without any job waiting for me. It is anxiety inducing not knowing what's going to happen in the next months of my life.

If I there was no Covid, if I decided to renew contracts and If I have saved enough, the plan would have been going home for vacation as well as travelling to Korea.

Right now, I don't have any big dreams or plans. Also, the options I have on my mind at the moment are not actually based on dreams but just a product of what I feel is the most practical thing to do moving forward considering I am still bound against my responsibilities at home.

I am at the point in my life wherein I need to prepare for the next transition in my life and to prepare for a new beginning. I should be dreaming and making plans.

Right now tho, I keep wanting to live a simple, lowkey but fulfilled life. I want a job that I care about and willing to suffer, a job that is fit to my personality, that would be able to support me to achieve my other goals in life and that is for long term already.

I need to find another job ASAP. If I won't find one, the other aspects of my life will be forced to be on hold. My life is always bound to a job and my income. Anyway, for 2022, the following are just the most important for me:

I am extremely anxious right now. But, I will manifest that the miracles in my life will happen. Everything will fall in God's perfect plan, will and timing. This is why for this year my themes will be, Warrior Up and Reset 2022. Warrior up because I need to fight through all my anxious thoughts, my fears and the uncertainties that my decisions will bring to my life. Reset because, this year, I will be back to square one.

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C H R I S T M A S

Christmas here is almost non-existent. It is not the same in the Philippines. It is very rare to find Christmas decors outside the streets nor inside establishments. Unlike in the Philippines where majority celebrates the season, here, you will have to celebrate it with few people or with yourself only.

Also, in the Philippines, it is a month long celebration and people highly anticipate to celebrate the Christmas day. It is a season.

However, here, it is more of a 1-day celebration only. I am speaking based on my experience only. Other people at other places in the Emirates may have different experience from mine.

It is my second year celebrating Christmas here in the Emirates. Last here, me and my workmates/companions had a mini Christmas Party in our Flat. For this year, we just prepared a simple noche buena and ate together.

Also, last year, we decorated our Flat and made the decors ourselves. This year, I innitiated to decorate the flat and I just recycled the decors we had last year. The only addition is the Belen illustration.

What made this year's Christmas for me is reading the article on the full homily of Pope Francis.

This struck me the most.

This was really a beautiful read and striking reminder as I continue to journey in life.

It was also a form of consolation because I was feeling a little blue. Melancholy was surrounding me.

Anyways, I cannot wait to celebrate next year's Christmas with my family as well as my friends.

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Temporary Solace: Dubai 2021

Grateful that our short trip to Dubai was pushed through. It was great solace and one in a lifetime experience. I tried to get snippets as much as I can for remembrance and I'm happy I got good ones.

What enjoyed during our trip:

1. Transport + Staycation

Able to experience the everyday commute life and the transport services in the country. Also, I was really suprised with the hotel that we booked (didn't expect it to be so spacious). We really made used of the amenities included with it and enjoyed ourselves.

2. Food

We splurged on food and ate as much as we can. Good food on a travel is a must. Happy tummy is happy life.

3. Global Village

The highlight of our Dubai trip was our Global Village Escapade. There were really a lot of goers. It was as if there is no Covid. I enjoyed the sites and attractions of different countries and continents. I especially enjoyed the photo ops I had with the women on hanbok, buying the famous turkey icecream from the seller, posing for the Leaning Tower of Pisa and riding the bump car.

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Ordeals

One of the adjustments I did living abroad is getting used of the currency. Whenever I spend, my mind is auto-converting Dirhams to Peso. In a way, it is helping me to make better decisions on my purchases and spend less. However, it can be detrimental since it prevents me on treating myself because it makes me feel guilty. But now that I am used to the common prices on the commodities here, I'm not always converting the prices.

Other than the above, there are other challenges living a broad like budgeting. For me, I try to keep on my budget as much as possible. I make a list on the things I need to buy in advance. However, I can't help sometimes to go beyond the budget with my groceries especially when there are new items I want to try for a change and especially when I get sick of my staple items. I daydream for the time when I could just add items on my cart as much as I want and not mind how much would it cost or if it's still on my budget. That would be wonderful.

I really enjoy doing groceries though it is tiring. But, meal planning is more tiring especially for me who easily gets sick of eating the same meal over and over again. If I could just eat the same meals for 5 days straight, meal planning as well as meal prep would be less of a problem. I can't though because I crave for variety of foods.

Indeed, there are many ordeals living abroad and with adulting life in general. But, it makes me glad knowing that through this journey, I am growing to be more independent and responsible. Also, my cooking skills is improving. I guess these are just some of my takeaways on these whole abroad journey.

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The scene when the suns illuminates the desert sand is captivating. I'm grateful to have experience such view with my own eyes.

The season is about to change to winter. Hence, today was a good day to feel the sun and appreciate the outside view because the ray of the sun is bearable.

It hits different also knowing that it might actually be my last time seeing the view on the road we were passing.

During the ride, I was wishing I could capture what I'm seeing as it is, as clear as my eyes can see.

Because soon, all this will just become a memory. And the good ones, we always want to keep, don't we?

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Blues

There is an overpowering feeling within me that I am not truly feeling alive. Just surviving. Just going on with the routine that I built. Going about everyday uninspired because I got used with my routine and the scenery (home-work, and the in betweens). The everyday little things doesn't spark joy anymore. I am not celebrating the little things as much.

My routine:

wake up - prepare for work - travel time - work - travel back to our flat - eat - sleep

The in betweens:

vcall with fam, messaging with fam and friends, prep meals, eat meals and immersing in the internet most of the time which also includes watching anime/kdrama/youtube.

I have always needed constant change. New adventures and scenery has always been a source of joy to me. So, following a routine is sickening.

Also, I feel restricted and confined here. There is a limit of what I can do here since I don't live alone which is why I crave to experience living alone sometimes. If resources was not an issue, I would do it and I would find a place with a better view of what's outside.

Because, I just miss the morning sunlight as it creeps into the room. I miss following the signs of the sun as guide and not actually looking at my clock to know what time it is. I miss looking at the stars illuminating the night outside. I miss the unexpected colors of the sky during sunrise and sunsets.

Also, I miss the rain. I miss nature. I miss the feeling of being connected and feeling alive. I miss going out. I miss going to church. I miss having something to do outside on my restdays.

Sometimes, I doubt myself and I despise myself for being the way that I am. Others are just doing fine.

I have been feeling blue for a while now. And, I just recently turned 27. I celebrated my day as I planned it (treating my flatmates to dinner). I received touching messages and greetings from the people I cherish. It was a brief solace. But, here I am again, failing to be truly grateful, happy and hopeful. My mind just doesn't stay still and my faith is turbulent. A long way to go self.

[fieldnotesandmusings]

Life is one big transition

6 months to go before my journey ends here. It felt too far away when it was not yet final. But now that the endgame is certain, I felt the urgency of my uprooting. I am starting to think on the things I will be leaving behind, on the routine I will no longer be able to do when I leave, the things I would miss, the pieces that I will bring with me on my next transition and how the next months will unfold.

I do not know quite exactly how I feel. But the reality that my days here are numbered now brings me to a crossroad on how I should approach things and it begs the question to me

1.) If it is the right choice

2.) Whether it will lead me to where I should be or will it be another detour

3.) Will it jumpstart to the kind of life I intend to follow

4.) How much would it affect my family, financially

My journey here started with a dream. What once only a dream is now part of my life. I made it and that is enough.

Also, without my experience here, I will continue to look for happiness on the wrong things -- worldly satisfaction/big milestones (when I can draw satisfaction on the simple things). I will never embrace my yolk as a person (or life spark) nor realize the magnitude of my fear in losing another loved one and the need for me to be physically present in trying times.

I actually never intended to stay long considering my mother's age. I knew my stay here will be temporary only and I will be pursuing the next transition of my life after. I actually intended to stay here 4-5 years max. But, flow has changed and I am reseting early.

Now starts the long preparation of the goodbye that is soon to come and a preparation to the next transition.

However, I have encountered a striking question by Kuya Yayun in their podcast (Single and Searching -- For Home) about the prodigal son. His question was, if the prodigal son succeded, will he consider going back to the loving arms of his father?

I feel like I am the prodigal son at the moment. What if circumstances were different. Will I long to come home? Something I now ponder.

[fieldnotesandmusings]

Back to 2016

I was pondering what to write. I realized I want to share what are the things I was able to apply in my chemical engineering education to now.

Honestly, it's a bit of surprise to me that it has been 5 long years already since I graduated and got my license as chemical engineer. I just haven't been counting until now. And, my 2016 milestones haven't cross my mind for a while now.

A lot of people think highly of chemical engineering. Trully, it is an amazing profession.

I am a chemical engineer but I don't think I am competent enough. My job experience is insufficient. Knowledgewise, I have forgotten much of what I have learned in ChE and I need a lot of reviewing to do.

The industry I have worked and working now is covered in the ChE scope (beverage manufacturing & gas industry). But, I am not working as per Chem engr scope of practice.

But ChE is handy in many ways.

1. It is easier for me to absorb new knowledge since I already have a gist on how some processes and unit operations works.

2. The difficult road of engineering life has trained me to be a warrior, to hustle all the way and to be resilient.

3. To do things to the best of my abilities, to be precise, accurate and attentive to details.

4. To think and analyze carefully.

Note:

As per the PH Chem Eng Law, scope of work for chemical engineer in relation to industrial plants are: (1) Consultation requiring chemical engineering knowledge, skill and proficiency; (2) Investigation;(3) Estimation and/or valuation; (4) Planning; (5) Preparation of feasibility studies; (6) Designing; (7) Preparation of specifications; (8) Supervision of installation; (9) Operation, including quality management; but excluding chemical analysis and operation of the chemical laboratory; and (10) The teaching, lecturing and reviewing of professional chemical engineering subjects.

Professional chemical engineering subjects: chemical engineering thermodynamics; chemical engineering calculations; physical and chemical principles; industrial processes; momentum transfer; heat transfer; mass transfer; industrial wastes management and control; process equipment and plant design; and biochemical engineering and bio-engineering

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The Price for the Life You Choose to Live

Leaving my family back home, leaving a perfectly stable job, a job I loved and did well, fun workmates and being in a foreign land is the price I had to pay for choosing to pursue my dream to work abroad.

This is the thing about life. We always have a price to pay for every choice we make and for the life we choose to live. Regardless of what prices we must pay, we must always have the courage to choose boldly. Only then things will open to us.