Fiery Bones

"I will raise my fist against you. I will melt you down and remove all your impurities." -God (Isaiah 1:25)

[fiery-bones]

“If it wasn't real, then why does it hurt so bad? Cause the thing that we had, it was everything. You showed me love of the deepest kind I will never find another love like you showed me love Now I see You showed me love and I thank you And I need you and I miss you You showed me love Of the deepest kind, and I will never find a love A love like you.”  

[fiery-bones]

After doing the kids’ laundry I had a bunch of socks to pair up. She needed socks for them this weekend, so we got together at her place, caught up on each other’s weeks, shared a drink & some laughs, and paired socks. Kissed her on the cheek, told her I loved her, and left. We’re still going to be good friends.

[fiery-bones]

The Wedding Rings

Me: This sounds so hypocritical I know, but I hate the fact that you aren’t wearing your ring. Sometimes it’s tough to think of you not wearing that ring, but I know life and love is more than a ring. It might take me awhile to get you to see, but I’m working to give you back more than that – true love and happiness. You are always on my heart, and you are valued and treasured more than you know.

Her: I took the ring off because it was painful to look at and I haven’t looked back since or missed it. My hand feels released from the bondage you had me in with all your lies. Look, I know you’re sorry and maybe you've changed. But I don't want to sit around to find out. The memory is always there so it'll never be the same between us. And my rents are saving my sanity with getting me that town-home. I cry with thanksgivings. It's hard to live with my betrayer. It really is. I'm sorry, I know this hurts to hear but I'm just being honest. I feel like you should remove that ring now.

*She sold her ring, and said it would help us both move forward if I took mine off. I gave mine to her. Later I asked for it back because I just felt horrible, and don’t want to move on from her. She said she would not give it back, and told me again to move on.

[fiery-bones]

Official Separation -- Today she asked me to sign the separation papers and make it official. Probably the saddest day of my life. I failed. God please pick us up. We need you. Wrap us in your arms, and heal us from this death. “Though the devil try to break me, my sweet Jesus won’t forsake me.”

[fiery-bones]

For years, I've played the victim of my past & my temptation. I let that define me & I allowed compromise. But I'm not playin dead any longer. I rose & I'm carving a new path.

[fiery-bones]

“There is no better love outside of that which you find in your lover, and therefore you redress your view of the world in the arms of that person." -Hozier

Thank you for making me a better person. “There's no better love that's laid beside me, that justifies me.”

[fiery-bones]

4 Important Questions

1. Why did I fall in love with you? – Your joy, compassion, kindness, and love lit a fire in my heart & have made me a stronger man. You are the reason why I’ve been able to change over the years to become a better man today. Looking back, I have never been happy being caught up in sin and selfishness – it never paid off, and never will. However, I know for sure that my true happiness existed when we shared our hearts, desires, dreams, and bodies.

2. Why did I hurt you? -- I didn’t repent of my past sin, and let it grow into worse sin. I allowed my sin to keep me focused on myself, and it slowly overtook my marriage. Instead of protecting my amazing wonderful wife and family, I justified my sin with stupid “need for validation” and kept allowing it to happen. But the truth is, if I would’ve turned to you for validation I would’ve gotten it just like you’ve done before. I was SO very wrong for hurting you.

3. What have I learned? – I’m no longer giving meaning to meaningless sinful selfish things. I’m no longer searching for a fake false-reality, but instead I’m treating every moment of every day like the gift that it is. I’m focused on protecting what I want – your joy, your heart, your love, your body, our family.

4. What am I doing now? – With an honest heart, I love you and my family with devotion and transparency. One day whenever you are ready, I want to give myself completely to you. I owe my whole life to you. I want ALL of you (heart, soul, mind, body, emotions) SO very very much.

[fiery-bones]

Wife’s Future-Talk

When I told her I wanted to find a way back to her heart in the future, she said:

“If you're truly repentant, God will bless you. You won't be alone. You'll meet new friends and find love again. It will happen. It's just a hard time right now. A period of learning and growth. You have a future and a hope. Trust me, you're gonna find love again. We'll always have what we shared and the good memories, but that is the past.

Honestly, after this experience of being lied to, manipulated, and used I can't help but think life without a man sounds good. I never felt like I needed a man emotionally speaking. I really wanted a family and what my parents have, but that's not gonna happen now. So I plan on enjoying the perks of single hood and moving on. Enjoying the ride. Not gonna cry about the past or stay in my depression.

I'm sorry, what's done is done. You have your whole life ahead of you. Plenty of fish in the sea. You will always have my hugs and friendship. I support you and if you ever find a beautiful sweet girl who treats you well. I will genuinely love her too.

[fiery-bones]

I miss your smile. Your laugh. Your voice.

[fiery-bones]

She thinks I still lie about stuff

I’m so sorry for all this. But my days of lying are over. I’m living my life happy and how I want to live it now. No more bondage to that crap. And I want you and the kids - that makes me happy. The other stuff just doesn’t deliver. Happiness comes from truly loving someone, and that’s what I had when I started out with you. I know it because I felt it in my heart, and shame on me for drifting away from that. But now I know, and I’m a better man for it. Grateful for you and our family

[fiery-bones]

If I Could Go Back In Time...

Saw your text that you sent to my cell phone… I’m so VERY sorry for all those things I’ve done to make you feel that way! Oh I would give ANYTHING to go back in time and do everything differently with you – and like I said back in January – I would communicate and be in-tune with you sexually, instead of being SO selfish. I was so WRONG! Distracted by a false fantasy, when right in front of me the whole time was YOU – the most real loving beautiful amazing woman on the planet. If I could go back, I would make date night a super-special thing where I cook for you (I really enjoy cooking now) and make it all about you. We would’ve played corny romantic games and made fun of each other and shared more laughs. Then I would’ve also made more efforts to be more in tune with your status every day – checking in to see how you are feeling and what you need. In fights with you, I would’ve fought more fairly and not gone berzerk over stupid petty small stuff. I would’ve celebrated you more as my wife and as a mom, giving you words that were uplifting and boosting your ego making you feel reinforced as the great wife you were. I would’ve taken you up on the offer to mow the grass for me, just so we both could be outside working together, making that memory together: You on the tractor & me with the weed-eater or something, sharing a glance across the yard. I would’ve not interrupted you so much, and listened better to really empathize with you and identify with you. And then if I made the right efforts in those kinds of things, we’d have more positive stuff to talk about, more inside jokes together, more laughs and happiness, more sex…. And sex would’ve been much more frequent and probably would’ve started from doing things together like what I mentioned above. I get so depressed sometimes knowing all these things I would’ve done differently with you. But I seriously would do it in a heartbeat because those things are what would’ve made my relationship last with you.

[fiery-bones]

Oh, they say people come, say people go This particular diamond was extra special And though you might be gone, and the world may not know Still I see you, celestial Like a lion you ran, a goddess you rolled Like an eagle, you circle, in perfect purple So how come things move on? How come cars don’t slow? When it feels like the end of my world When I should, but I can’t, let you go? But when I’m cold, cold Oh, when I’m cold, cold There’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow There’s a feeling you give me, an everglow Like brothers in blood, sisters who ride And we swore on that night we’d be friends 'til we die But the changing of winds, and the way waters flow Life is short as the falling of snow And now, I’m gonna miss you, I know But when I’m cold, cold In water rolled, salt I know that you’re always with me and the way you will show And you’re with me wherever I go And you give me this feeling, this everglow Oh, what I wouldn't give for just a moment to hold Yeah, I live for this feeling, this everglow So if you love someone, you should let them know Oh, the light that you left me will everglow

[fiery-bones]

Her Personal Stuff

Going through your stuff has been killing me today. That’s why it’s taken so long to go through everything. I just think I need to get it all cleared out so I’m not constantly reminded of how much I’ve failed you. Just please know you are the best thing that’s happened to me, and I’m thankful you are my best friend. One day I hope to find a way back to your heart.

[fiery-bones]

True Fulfillment

Her: I’m seeking my creator and finding fulfillment in the little things. "We don't seek satisfaction, hoping that God will deliver it. No, we seek God, and the results is satisfaction of heart. He is the satisfaction that your heart seeks. He is the rest that you crave, the joy you long for, and the comfort your heart desires. All those things that we think will bring us contentment and joy will fail to deliver. What we need in life is him, and by grace, he is with us, in us, and for us. Our hearts can rest because, by grace, we have been given everything we could ever need, in him".

Me: Thank you for sharing that quote. I needed that; it’s very encouraging. If I worry about how all this stuff is gonna work out, I easily get really sad. But when I stay focused on the goal of serving/loving God, it all seems much easier. You’re right – the opinions of Christians don’t matter – only God’s opinion counts. Thanks again for sharing that. You are SO amazing, and we are gonna be ok. I’m so grateful for you.

Her: I'm glad I'm raising these three special souls with you. How fun! I know we both love them soooo much so we will always work together to make sure we're seeing them so often they don't miss us at all haha

Me: You’re right!!! Everything gets brighter and happier when I look at it that way. I have to understand sometimes that if I really want to be happy, I can’t think about life selfishly as I did before, but really let God take the whole wheel instead of me keeping 3 fingers on. These kids are the best kids ever. Love ‘em to pieces. You’re the best girl in the whole world, and everybody loves you! I’m so happy to have the family that God has blessed me with.

Me: Ever since you’ve been gone, we talk about how great you are. Read books about Mommy’s and give you lots of love when you’re not even here.

Her: Thank you! That means so much to me. And I'm speaking highly of you too! They love you so much. I'm so thankful for your parenting. You are such a good daddy.

Me: Thanks! You’re the best mommy & friend I’ve ever known.

[fiery-bones]

Legal Stuff

You’re my best friend, and this is a rough time right now for us both. Legal stuff is uncharted territory to us both, and it’s just stressful right now. I wish that I could comfort you in the midst of all that, but I’ve made it near impossible for that to happen. So what I can do, is be your friend, and help you in every way I can. Now it’s time for us to move forward to a brighter future with family and happiness. God doesn’t want you or me to be stuck in the stupid rut I got us into. I AM A ZERO for what I did. But I’m thankful God can redeem the Zeroes. We gotta stay positive and grateful or else we’ll fold. I can’t let that happen again. You mean more to me than you know. Only got one life to live, and I gotta live it fresh and alive –not stuck in the rut of my past decisions. Gonna take responsibility for all my actions, learn from it, and love ALL my family every day like I’ve never loved before. It’s gonna be okay for us. You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. God loves you, your family loves you, your kids love you, and whether or not you believe it – I love you. Remember you are a precious child of God, and He made you exquisitely beautiful in every way, and He has a purpose and destiny that is perfect.  

[fiery-bones]

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. Songs 8:7

This was our wedding verse. I hate that I let the waters of Sin quench our (romantic) love, and sweep it away.

[fiery-bones]

In Retrospect

Just thinking about how I wish I would’ve worked harder for our family, protected our marriage, and made our lives more joyful together. I’m having the time of my life with these kids now, and we’re having so much fun. I just wish I would’ve had the right focus long ago with you and the kids. We would be in such a good relationship right now. You and these kids mean everything to me. Have a great night, and just relax. It’s going to be ok. I love you so very much.