I have trouble acting normal when I'm nervous

- - - ♥ - - - 28 years old. Social anxiety. Depression. Genderfluid. Pansexual. Ednos. Human. - - - ♥ - - - Post long-distance relationship, going on 12+ years. Doesn't believe thoughts about self apply to others. Likes video games and anime. Reclusive; Not always okay with that. Regrets the past. Fearful and optimistic of the future. Happy to be alive. - - - ♥ - - -

[mienar]

saturday breakfast

[mangafascination]

[fighting-my-reflection]

I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt I hurt it's not okay it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts I'm so lonely so lonely so lonely it hurts it hurts it hurts I don't want to feel this way I'm lonely lonely lonely so lonely so sad so hurt so much hurt it aches it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts so much I just want to die I can't take this it's too much I can't I can't I can't I can't suffocating too much too much I can't it hurts it hurts it hurts please it hurts it hurts just want it to stop please please stop I don't want this I don't want to feel like this why does it hurt so badly why can't I just stop why do I need so much why do I long so hard ache so deep to feel fingers brush against my skin and feel in my bones that I must truly be loved but I'm not I'm not I'm not I don't deserve that I don't deserve anything I'm such a fuck up I can't believe I'm such a fuck up I'm such a waste of space I literally can't stand myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I'm such a loser I can't do anything right I keep fucking up over and over again and I never get better I never get better I'm always like this and I'm always going to be like this and the pain will never stop the pain will never go away it will always hurt always hurt so bad I'll never be happy I'll never be happy I hate myself god I hate myself just die already you fucking waste of space you're such a loser no one wants you no one wants to touch you no one wants to hold you no one wants to love you or cherish you or smile at you you're never going to have that happiness for as long as you live you'll always yearn and hope and it'll never go anywhere you were meant to be alone you were born to be alone

[fighting-my-reflection]

[fighting-my-reflection]

[fighting-my-reflection]

Yanno, sometimes I wish I were dead. Like, for reasons other than the normal reasons.

Lo has been talking a lot lately about how they regret going into business. They’d like to start fresh with a new career, but they can’t do that without going back to school. And they can’t afford to go back to school with me mostly financially dependent upon them.

I just woke up this morning and it all seemed to make so much sense.

Lo has also been saying that they’d like to just take a year off and travel the world. If I weren’t here, they could do that too.

Lo could... potentially do anything they wanted, if only I weren’t here to get in the way.

If I knew they wouldn’t hurt or grieve, I’d happily take my own life to better theirs.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell how logical I’m being. I think my mind is a bit messed up, so it’s hard to trust it. Part of me says I’d like to do it for Lo, but I know a part of me also wants to do it for myself. And then there’s the part of me that doesn’t really want to do it at all. And I keep circling around this idea of dying, never acting on it, just always thinking about it.

I wish I could just... disappear for a couple years.  Come back later. Lo could have their time to themselves and better take care of themselves. And I could just... not.  Not anything.

That would be nice.

[fighting-my-reflection]

I'm no expert, but I think people tend to get depressed when their expectations are too high. It's tiring when you always have to overachieve. Just work on achieving what you can.

Yoshida Haru

[fighting-my-reflection]

Nothing is more miserable and lonely than not having something you want to do.

Suga

[fighting-my-reflection]

[fighting-my-reflection]

Augh, why can't you add a cut to a post on mobile? Such bullshit. I'll either add a cut later or just delete this. Whatever.

I'm just really anxious right now. It's late and I doubled up on my sleep meds, praying for the bittersweet bliss that is unconsciousness, but they're not setting in. My brain is alert. My body feels tense.

It feels like there's someone behind me, clapping their hands, snapping their fingers, and yelling at me to go, go, go, go, GO! It's unnerving and has me on edge. And there's literally nowhere practical to run off to either. Each path provided to me is blocked in some shape or form. There's a huge wall. There's an electric fence. There's landmines. There's flood waters. There's just always SOMETHING, and it's forced me to stand still.

And standing still sucks enough as it is, but there's that voice that's telling me to go, to move forward, to give it my all. Basically just THROW myself out there - whatever it takes. And I can't. I just can't.

My skin is hot and itching with anticipation, and my body is like "come on, aren't we supposed to be doing something? Like right now? Let's do something right now!" and I'm just like.. no. Fuck that. I just want to sleep. I'll figure out how to get past the obstacles in my path tomorrow, when I am fully rested and have had more time to think.

That's what I tell myself anyways. I think my body knows that I'm trying to deceive it - lure it into submission with a false sense of confidence that everything will work out in the end.

But what else am I supposed to do? Staying up late and fretting isn't going to help any. Tomorrow is another chance. Just wait for your next chance, Sam. Except I can't sleep. And staying up all night will completely ruin any chances I'd have of doing something productive tomorrow.

I'm just anxious and tired and lonely and bored and I thought that maybe if I just wrote down how I was feeling then maybe I'd feel better, or something.

So yeah.

[somethingyoirelated]

❀✿❁

[fighting-my-reflection]

"President" Trump has yet again jumped at the opportunity to blame an ENTIRE race or religion for the events of the most recent terror attack in New York (10/31/17).

He criticized senator Chuck Schumer for not being even tougher on immigration.

I was personally very pleased though by New York mayor De Blasio's comments on the matter.

"The last thing we should do is start casting dispersions on whole races of people or whole religions or whole nations. That only makes the situation worse."

"Anyone who wants to come into this country should be very thoroughly vetted as an individual," he said. "But the minute you start generalizing it, especially to a whole religion, then unfortunately we're sending the exact negative message that a lot of our enemies want and the terrorist wants to affirm -- that this nation is somehow anti-Muslim. We've got to do the exact opposite. We've got to show we respect all people in America. That's about as American of a value as there is."

I know this is a difficult and confusing time to be alive right now for many Americans, but please, please do not be so quick as you blame an entire group of people for the actions of only a few. It is unfair, unjust, and certainly un-American.

[fighting-my-reflection]

There's no rest

For another fallen soul

Distress tears at her

More than you know

And you'd think

That she could just try again

But it isn't working

She's on the brink

Of being extinct

Hide the blades from me

My blood pulses to be free, you see?

I don't know what I'm doing

I don't know what I'm doing

[kuro-leo]

Now I'm really curious...Reblog this if you're 20 or older.

[zombielove74]

The lack of notes.

[govthookercoulson]

[whatever-you-write]

[theunrequitedlover]

[theunrequitedlover]