Trying to Figure Myself Out

Just a person trying to figure out who I am, beyond my name and identity

[homunculus-argument]

Me at 17: ohh my god why do people who are barely even 30 start going on about being sooo old when I say I was born in -94, like ugh you don't even look old, nobody would have noticed if you hadn't said anything.

Me at 31: [gets fucking blasted with 40 metric fucktons of psychic damage from scrolling tumblr and seeing a post by someone who was born in fucking 2005 and is married with two kids]

[figuringmyselfout]

Me: What do you mean someone born in 2005 is old enough to be married with 2 kids

-does the maths-

Holyyy..... they are

[figuringmyselfout]

I wish I could inject coffee onto my bloodstream

[figuringmyselfout]

Me after downloading 3 movies, 3 documentaries, 20 episodes of a series: should I download a few fanfics as well?

[aurapalettes]

& you know what it actually IS lifechanging to smile at strangers & say please & thank you & goodmorning & compliment someones outfit & help someone in need & be more accepting of loving other people just because they are other people!!!

[figuringmyselfout]

Sometimes one compliment to another person is all it takes to change my mood!

No, not sometimes, Always. All the time.

[animentality]

[figuringmyselfout]

TW : unaliving oneself

This is going into the void because there is no place else for it to go and I am tired of having it in my head.

I had to do training on talking to people who want to unalive themselves.

I remembered my ex who had unaliving thoughts.

This ex is manipulative and cheated on me many times.

I do not want this person back in my life.

But I still care. I still f###ing care

Enough that I want to checkin on him. And what??? Support him?? Maybe???

Ask him if he still has that ideation???

What next????

I maybe hate this person??

I think I hate him!!!!

Hate is a pretty strong word.

But I'm using it for him.

I hate what he did to me.

He did it knowingly.

Ergo, I hate him

Where did ergo come from???

Why does part of me still f-king love him???

Why do I care???

I hate that I love him! That's a song!!! Shall I listen to that song???

How did I get here???

Wtf do I do???

Is anyone going to read this???

Till the end???

[figuringmyselfout]

More than a year later, I'm somehow back in touch with him. And he's f##king crumbing me.

I have that realisation.

Yet I fail to just end things.

I should, I really should.

[figuringmyselfout]

And some months down the line... here we are again

With good news!!!!!

I've blocked him.

Hopefully forever.

[animentality]

[figuringmyselfout]

TW : unaliving oneself

This is going into the void because there is no place else for it to go and I am tired of having it in my head.

I had to do training on talking to people who want to unalive themselves.

I remembered my ex who had unaliving thoughts.

This ex is manipulative and cheated on me many times.

I do not want this person back in my life.

But I still care. I still f###ing care

Enough that I want to checkin on him. And what??? Support him?? Maybe???

Ask him if he still has that ideation???

What next????

I maybe hate this person??

I think I hate him!!!!

Hate is a pretty strong word.

But I'm using it for him.

I hate what he did to me.

He did it knowingly.

Ergo, I hate him

Where did ergo come from???

Why does part of me still f-king love him???

Why do I care???

I hate that I love him! That's a song!!! Shall I listen to that song???

How did I get here???

Wtf do I do???

Is anyone going to read this???

Till the end???

[figuringmyselfout]

More than a year later, I'm somehow back in touch with him. And he's f##king crumbing me.

I have that realisation.

Yet I fail to just end things.

I should, I really should.

[figuringmyselfout]

TW : unaliving oneself

This is going into the void because there is no place else for it to go and I am tired of having it in my head.

I had to do training on talking to people who want to unalive themselves.

I remembered my ex who had unaliving thoughts.

This ex is manipulative and cheated on me many times.

I do not want this person back in my life.

But I still care. I still f###ing care

Enough that I want to checkin on him. And what??? Support him?? Maybe???

Ask him if he still has that ideation???

What next????

I maybe hate this person??

I think I hate him!!!!

Hate is a pretty strong word.

But I'm using it for him.

I hate what he did to me.

He did it knowingly.

Ergo, I hate him

Where did ergo come from???

Why does part of me still f-king love him???

Why do I care???

I hate that I love him! That's a song!!! Shall I listen to that song???

How did I get here???

Wtf do I do???

Is anyone going to read this???

Till the end???

[ur-daily-inspiration]

[catchymemes]

[thememedaddy]

[figuringmyselfout]

The epitome of regular \s

[daily-spooky]

[figuringmyselfout]

I need to have a crush at work.

But all my colleagues in relationships.

And they're the wrong gender.

Before anyone asks, I work in education so anyone other than colleagues is a strict no-no

[cannibalchicken]

[catchymemes]

[figuringmyselfout]

Me sitting in bed on my phone : there's nothing fun on my phone. I don't want to be on my phone

Also me : *spends hours like that*

Me later : *realises the day is over* wtf why can't I get something done

----repeat----

[catchymemes]

[catchymemes]

[cepheusgalaxy]

[Text transcription:]

Please, please, please [in all caps] stop confusing people's free time with their availability. Just because they have "free time" doesn't mean they have to spend it with you, or spend it working on something.

Sometimes the free time is used to rest!

[End transcription.]