Fiish. ESTJ 3w4 sx3. He/They. Gender isn't real. Alien Stage fan. Mainly Ivan. I draw and write. And might randomly drop a page long analysis on Ivan mid-crashout who knows really. (I got the Ivan-flavored tism) You should read my fics. https://archiveofourown.org/users/FIISH44/works
my personal hc is that ivan’s best dreams are him crawling into till’s veins and ceasing to exist and ivan’s worst nightmares are actually having sex with till. does that make sense
This is so canon omfg I could probs build on this for hours just talking about how Ivan's main desire is to become one with Till rather than be his own person, or how he views himself as human vicariously through Till, or how he thinks of himself as so unworthy of Till's gaze that he instead thinks his place is to instead be consumed by Till so he can live inside him forevermore
Drew IvanTill making out like a week or 2 ago. It was supposed to be a scene in my fic, but this was before Chapter 3 where I decided to give Ivan longer hair.
(Yes. Basically all I draw is in relation to my fics.)
The fic: <- this is a link idk if that's obvious
An omegaverse with pack dynamics and a murder mystery. Ivan, Hyuna and Mizi are in a pack, with Hyuna being pack alpha.
Ivan-centric but I try giving Mizi and Hyuna equal amounts of screentime.
Ivan and Till are assigned a string of gruesome murders targetting male omegas. Soon, they have trouble separating the case from their respective histories. Hyuna, their captain, worries for them but they refuse to be taken off the case, delving deeper and deeper into the madness.
Mizi meanwhile is adjusting to her new job as a kindergarten teacher, falling head over heels for the librarian: an omega by the name of Sua. They quickly advance their relationship but run into roadblocks, each putting up walls when the other tries to learn more.
Hyuna is her precinct's captain, her pack's alpha and decorated with medals. She should be a perfectly adjusted adult. But a ghost from her past seems to haunt her no matter how hard she tries avoiding him. A ghost in the form of an omega with blonde hair and gold eyes.
Writing a ALNST kpop AU. It'll probs be up on AO3 sometime next week but my dumbass decided there was gonna be a big socmed aspect to it so ts is becoming really high production.
All that aside: Heres promo pics for 4ANAKT
I'm FIISH44 on AO3 btw... If ur interested... I have 2 other fics... (Cough)
Ughhh Wiege is just... such an interesting choice for Ivan from a lyrical standpoint. It's already been discussed how this is a song meant for two (it's a waltz, and we initially hear it as a duet, making this sound far lonelier than it would have been otherwise), but the lyrics? God. Such peaceful imagery, and specifically lyricism that touches the topics of longing and the vulnerability required to receive anything in turn, as terrifying as it is. It is, quite literally, about taking that final step. Being open. Conquering that fear. Turning towards the sun. Daring to be seen. Embracing the pain it may bring in order to feel free and alive.
Ivan does not do this. Very notoriously, he does not do this. He never told Till how much he truly loved him, he never expressed to Sua how much he wished to be close with her, and he was never able to grow as close to Mizi due to their conflicting worldviews. He dies unfulfilled and unsatisfied, as much as he'd love to think he tied up every loose end. As much as he'd love to think that a lifetime spent preparing for an unavoidable fate would have rid him of any fear surrounding it. As much as he tells himself that he's content with his loneliness and that his heartbreak is foolish and unimportant and obsessive. Just another flaw to correct.
But Ivan's always been a character who puts on facades, who is hypocritical, and who as much as he paints himself as monstrous or unfeeling, is so painfully human.
He sings a lullaby when he was never properly nurtured despite believing in some inherent cruelty in existence. He sings a song about letting yourself be seen as if wanting another to sing alongside him, as if he's considering the act of finally reaching out, and then the song fades out and he grows quiet and he doesn't. He's on his own. There is no monologue because there's no one he'd actually confide in with something so personal. And he does not believe in his own capacity to love and be loved in turn, as much as he overwhelmingly aches for that. He longs in the privacy and safety and comfort of his own mind in these fleeting moments, and then he shoves it all back down until it resurfaces once again. And that's exactly the problem.
I love this so much because it mentions how much Ivan likely lies to himself to cope. He's hurting but he doesn't know he's hurting because he went numb years ago.
WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WIEGE IVAN VERSION WEIGE
Ivan Wiege is out. I have thoughts that are loosely organized. Kind of about his cover, more just Ivan himself and what I view his character as and how it relates to his cover. (Very long very speculative)
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Finding comfort in the absence of Hope- my take on the cover itself and how it compares to the OG.
Right off the bat, Ivan's cover has major differences. Wiege is a duet but Ivan sings alone, not only that, there are no background vocals to harmonize with him. It is just Ivan, the music and the void.
The original, while somber, is still hopeful in the end, a comforting lullaby to sing to your child for bedtime, something warm. Ivan's cover is devoid of that hopeful note, it is colder and much heavier, sounds like you're suffocating but strangely enough, it's still comforting. While the original Wiege offers comfort in the fact that there is always hope for the future, Ivan's offers comfort at the end of the road, that this is where your journey ends and that you won't have to worry anymore. It sounds like Ivan comforting himself as he dies.
Loneliness and Ivan's image of himself - Mainly thoughts on Nowhere and the picture it paints of Ivan
Ivan sings alone in his Wiege cover, devoid of harmonies, alone in a void. Ivan believes he was alone, beginning to end, nothing, just a speck of dust not even worth acknowledging. He was never "Ivan;" just a product, always putting on his mask and copying. He has very low self-worth as shown in Nowhere. He thinks himself unlovable and unworthy.
Ivan wasn't loved as a child, never had the love of a parent like Till, never had the love of a guardian like Mizi, and never had the love of a sister like Sua. Love is foreign to Ivan but he still feels it, he just doesn't know how to express it.
He's clumsy, violent. He wants Till's attention, his love, but he doesn't understand love itself. He sees love as what Till and Sua feel for Mizi, something akin to worship. But I believe Ivan loves Till because Till is so very human, something Ivan never felt he was. Till and his flame of rebellion was something Ivan idolized.
He's never had control over his life, always a product up for sale, never allowed to develop as a person. Till inspired something in him, allowed him to take control of his life for the first time ever in that escape attempt; but Till went back. The next time he takes control of his own fate is when he sacrifices himself for Till, believing it to just be another stepping stone in Till's life. Ivan doesn't think Till cared.
Ivan describes his life as something he is unworthy of, but also as "an existence like dust." He believes himself unremarkable, unworthy of even looking at. The pain of his life grew and grew, festering until he became numb to it because it's always easier to forget pain than to remember and face it.
I don't think Ivan saw Till's love for him. Till didn't love Ivan how Ivan loved Till, he saw Ivan as a friend, as family, nothing more nothing less. Ivan, meanwhile, thought of himself as nothing, not even worthy of Till's gaze. He's deluded himself into thinking no one cares for him and will never care for him.
So is his sacrifice really that surprising? He confronted Sua because he knew Sua was going to leave a mark on Mizi, be everlasting trauma. But Ivan? Ivan was "nothing" to Till; he won't haunt him after he dies. Ivan died with no regrets. He wasn't like Sua, who left Mizi behind, or like Till, who's flame was reignited by Mizi only to be forcefully extinguished. Ivan was "alone," "unloved." No one would miss him.
This brings us back to Wiege and the absence of hope in Ivan's cover. It's because Ivan was never hopeful to begin with. Like Sua, he plays within the system, not knowing how to break out, too conditioned to living within as a product not a person. Ivan was okay with dying. Afraid, but okay. He went into Round 6 knowing he was going to die, planning to die.
But I don't think he was wholly unafraid of death, nor do I think he'd lost his will to live. Ivan decided that a life without Till isn't a life worth living.
His Wiege cover is peaceful, soft, and gentle. It's gentler than even the original but still feels like you're drowning. But it isn't painful, isn't scary. It's calm. It's you allowing the waves to claim you. It's Ivan finally slumbering peacefully, knowing that paradise awaits him. The song sounds like he's comforting himself, knowing he's dying and letting go while singing this song he's known since childhood. Ivan can finally rest now.
