❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
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Keni
Kiana Khansmith
almost home
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let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
official daine visual archive
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@filmmodemind
Hey, what’s up, we’re Future Talk!
We’re five friends who share the ethos that music can save lives.
We just released our debut track entitled ‘Lesson Learnt’, which will be the first of two songs that we’ll be putting out that we recently recorded at Longwave Studios. This tune encapsulates the direction we are taking as a band & we hope that you guys dig it and join us for the ride!
Please get chatting to us, we’d love to hear your thoughts & just get to know as many new people as possible so either hit us up on here or at any of the following:
www.facebook.com/futuretalkband
www.twitter.com/futuretalkband
www.instagram.com/futuretalkband
We’ll be updating our pages as frequently as possible to keep you guys in the loop with our goings on!
Thanks
FT
Check it!
I still don't get
how the fuck to use tumblr properly. I've had it for two years & have no idea what I'm doing...
My band Future Talk just released our debut track. If you like what you hear then come & check us out at www.facebook.com/futuretalkband
An apology; an explanation.
When I left school almost five years ago, I thought that by the age of twenty-one I'd have my life totally in order. That I'd have a steady lifestyle, a car, maybe the potential for a decent career and, most importantly, no regrets regarding the choices that I'd made. For the first two years everything was going to plan, I was playing music with some of my closest friends to people all over the country & had so much ambition it genuinely felt like we could take on the whole world, and win. A lot of the happiest times of my life were spent with those people, playing songs we'd written with broken equipment, cramming five people and all of our gear into a three-door car to travel for hours on end to play to twenty people. The bitterly humbling consequence to that was the inevitability that my ego outgrew my ambition & even such a minute amount of success ruined my outlook on music & life itself.
The subsequent two years were stark contrast to the preceding ones & that lead to a gradual downward spiral in my life. I misguidedly felt that I had already earned the entitlement to have people give my music a chance without putting the groundwork in, which was an extremely naive view to have. When the reality hit that nobody cared about my songs anymore, the person I became & the opinions I had are things that I'm embarrassed & ashamed of to no end. People who I viewed as my peers started overtaking me at a rapid rate & I couldn't understand why, so my reaction wasn't to support them, it was one of resentment & selfishness. Delivered in the format of snide remarks, condescending internet posts & pretentious opinions I repeatedly put people down when I should've been encouraging them and reflecting on some of the things I said, I'm genuinely sickened by myself that I ever thought that was okay.
The remarkable & quite frankly baffling aspect of this is that, even at that point, I still had friends that stuck around & chose to put up with me despite all of the derogatory bullshit that was frequently pouring out of my mouth & were willing to believe in me. I took that privilege for granted, which is probably my biggest regret of all. I continued to think that the universe owed me something & expected even more from my friends than I'd already been gifted, which was for them to adhere to a lifestyle that put too much at risk with no contingency plan or guarantee of success. I was forcing my vision on others & getting frustrated when they didn't back it as much as me, which is what I think pushed the tension to breaking point.
Around eighteen months ago, the repercussions of my actions began to taunt me under the guise of karma. Music, no longer made sense to me & my hopes & dreams didn't appeal to me anymore. I was pushing myself to write songs for the sake of proving to people that I was at least doing something, even though nobody cared. The band I was in released a song which was received relatively well, but not well enough to make us feel like it was worth it so we started to fade out. Consequently, I felt like the one thing I'd dedicated my everything to for years had abandoned me. I'd ruined relationships, gone against the advice of my family & friends, ruined my college education & any possibility of university all to pursue something that I'd lost touch with. As if I wasn't already resentful enough...
To say I was lost is an understatement. I stopped caring about the direction my life was heading, I stopped caring about all of the people that had been there for me when I hadn't reciprocated that favour & I retreated into myself. To anybody that has struggled with depression, you'll understand when I say that misery is parasitic & it plagues every aspect of your mind. Even when you feel a surge of positivity, it's only a matter of time before you drag yourself back into the abyss that you've spent so long trying to crawl out of. You enter a paradox of closing yourself off from the world yet still want to succeed in it. Any good idea you have, you convince yourself that you'll fail & it's not worth even trying so you become content to dwell in your stagnation. The phrase 'Get a fucking job' was all I heard, which I did try to but after a series of knock backs, my crippling fear of failure took over again & I refused to put myself in the predicament where I'd get denied for a job that a three year old could do, all because my people skills are abysmal. The bitch of that situation is that people don't want to be around you anymore even when you do make it out of your house, all they see is a person full of negativity & cynicism that's dragging the mood down, which isn't an unfair assessment. In my circumstances, feeling out of place with my own friends didn't seem like a good option so I decided to take some time to sort myself out away from them for a while around the start of summertime. Unfortunately, my reasoning for doing so wasn't something I felt comfortable explaining, so as far as they were concerned I'd just disappeared & left them behind.
I have to mention that despite losing touch with a lot of people, throughout my life entire life I've always had three friends that I class as my brothers. We've been through everything together & nobody alive knows me like they do. At the start of last year, it pained me to see one of them go through seriously tough time in his life, so much so that he bravely up & left to travel Europe on his own. He returned after a month, to then head back out there for another five. Whilst he was gone, the relationship I had with another one of my brothers started to deteriorate quite rapidly & I had no idea how to deal with this bizarre situation. We'd never had so much as a heated discussion before this yet here we were, barely able to look each other in the eye. Subsequently, I felt like I'd lost my second family over the summer, as well as most of my closest friends. Hatred, cynicism, frustration & anger all took over my psyche & lead to acting immaturely to push everyone even further away. This spilled into my relationship & started dragging somebody I care about a lot down with me, which I eventually refused to let happen any longer.
By the start of December 2013, I could count the people I had in my life on one hand, & to those people I shall be forever grateful and appreciative to for just being there.
After that exhausting description of my negativity, I can get to the point of this angsty essay. On my twenty-first birthday, I received an overwhelming opportunity to restart my life again & right any wrongs with the context of my own life. Initially I felt guilt that I'd been granted the gift, that I didn't deserve it & thought that my path of self-destruction would probably find continuity an easier option, but that changed last week. I found a letter that I'd written to 'future me' on my computer whilst I was clearing out old files. As cheesy as that sounds, it gave me a serious reality check & a reminder as to who I am & how far I've drifted from that in the past five years. I won't share the actual letter with you (due to embarrassingly cringey phrases & slang terminology) but it described the feeling I got when I first heard certain albums & the effect they had on me, how they made me feel part of something when I felt alone in my life growing up. The songs became more than just a few minutes of recorded music, they became an identity that shaped me, gave me strength & most importantly, brought me happiness in knowing that somebody else saw the world in the same way I did. Now, I can finally hear the music again.
After dwelling on those thoughts, I feel like I owe the world for keeping me alive & for giving me more chances than I deserve. My aim now is to work as hard as I can to become a respectable person who doesn't constantly let people down. I'm more driven to fight for my dream than ever, with a more mature, grounded outlook on what it means & a humbled knowledge that I can't let myself become this person again. Saying that, I need to sincerely apologise to every person I've let down, put down, condemned, abandoned & generally been an asshole to. Nobody should've been made to bear the brunt of my bullshit & I can only say that I genuinely am aware of my own flaws now & nobody will have to deal with that anymore.
'I never wanted to hear, we are the only ones we are running from'.
Peace x
Portugal
I love you so much, but do me a favor, baby, don’t reply Because I can dish it out, but I can’t take it
(via strangemarvolo)
(by Michael Bennati)
foggy pier.
316, for 7-13-13
6:02 am, stearns wharf, santa barbara
this is the last of the pictures that i’ll post from what i think was the best run with my dslr yet. the first is probably one of my favorite pictures i’ve ever taken.
Lake O’Hara | Canada (by Steffen Sauder)
Ultimate blazing spot.
