Finding My Life Passion

I believe in living life to the full and being your beautiful authentic self

[findinglifepassion]

Did I Break Myself?

I burnt out six years ago. Burnout means different things to different people. People who have no understanding of what it means often judge harshly. I know I did before I got sick. They assume we are weak and cannot handle stress. They assume we are unreliable and can’t be trusted to work in their organizations or add value. I’m wondering if they are right. 

As part of my burnout I had a spiritual awakening, meaning that my beliefs changed. What now feels right for me is to align myself with my higher purpose in life and to do work that is authentic and allows me to express myself in an honest way. I no longer feel that I could work in a corporate organization. It all feels so fake and unnecessary. I know many people who are happy and stimulated in these posts but it’s just for me. I’ve changed so much that it no longer fits me. It feels to me that it never fit me but I just didn’t know it until I had such an intense experience that everything for me changed. 

I recognized that writing is part of my journey and a key activity that feeds my soul. I need to be writing. As part of my recovery, I wrote Avoiding Burnout, my story of how I got sick and how others can avoid the traps. It was written to purge my own personal experiences and to help others to see things more clearly than I did on my way into burnout. 

I wrote my second book Harnessing Stress from a much happier place. I started to appreciate the benefits of stress. I could see the gift in the burnout and how it had shaped me and my life in positive ways. I share much research and knowledge about this in talks and workshops. It felt like a pivot in that I no longer wanted to warn people about stress, but rather for them to embrace stress as a necessary and helpful part of life. 

All this work feels like part of the journey of evolution for me. I’ve grown an incredible amount. I’ve reshaped my life to include things, activities and people that now fit the new me. I’ve overcome huge challenges, I’ve learnt a lot and met so many interesting people and at times life feels so rich. I’m extremely blessed to be a mother and to have my children benefit from my experiences. I’m able to be more present and to support them in ways that the old me could never have done. I feel like I’m equipped as a mother to help them move forward on their own journeys. 

All this sounds great and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for it all. But there’s one problem. I have not been able to earn money in this new endeavor. My books have made a little money but not enough to live off. My workshops, with great content have never attracted more than two people at a time. My online webinars and masterclasses are full when free but no-one wants to pay for the content that has taken me years to put together. I’ve created an online course but it’s in limbo - in the hands of my partner who’s not answering my emails and I’m not able to advertise it or to promote it in any way since I don’t know when it will be available. 

So if this is my path, why can’t I earn money? I’ve spent thousands (literally thousands and thousands) on physical, emotional, mental and spiritual  healing. I’ve tried every modality I’ve heard of. I’ve read so many books on growth, I’ve done training courses on sales and marketing. I’m consistent and clear in my marketing. I know that I struggle with my self worth and I tend to doubt my own abilities. Maybe my belief that I’m somehow broken and that I’ll never be able to create value again is holding me back. Or something else that is not yet known to me. 

I look around at everyone who earns money. I see doctors, beauty therapists and all sorts of people around me all earning money. I’m an A-type achiever who gave so much she broke. I used to be super capable and impressive to others who met me. Now, I’m just writing and it feels like I’m just pursuing a hobby. When is it my turn to earn money, to generate wealth for my family and to be independent enough so that I have the freedom to just buy things without guilt and worry? How can I continue to live this life of dependence on my spouse who tends to control everything? 

I’ve tried to get employment in my previous trade but it is so far removed now that I don’t think I can do the job and that’s echoed by the professionals who I have consulted with. I suck at sales. I can’t believe in myself and yet on paper I have some amazing things to offer. What’s going on and how to I break free of this terrible trap of being unable to earn a cent? 

I’m okay with doing other work and writing for fun. But what work? The pandemic has added an additional layer on top of an already difficult job market. It has made getting any job almost impossible. I don’t even know what job I could do. We have affirmative action counting against me and a job market that is broken by economic ruin. I know I seem negative but I have seriously given this a good go. I’ve tried my best and I really don’t know what else to do that doesn’t lead my family into financial ruin. Let me know if you have any ideas cos I’m out and I’m possibly too broken at 45 to ever work in any meaningful way again. Oh well, I guess I just have to write and see what unfolds. What else can I do? 

[findinglifepassion]

Parenting is hard

Today I had to make a hard decision with my oldest daughter. She made some online gaming ‘friends’ and has been engaging with them over WhatsApp for some time. They made inappropriate requests of her and she was negligent with our family’s privacy. I blocked their numbers and deleted their contacts from her phone. 

We had lengthy conversations about what is appropriate and what isn’t. The action I took may seem harsh to her and I have no hard evidence but I followed my instinct. For most of my life I have ignored my instinct and I feared being seen as rude or rash. After going through a lot of health issues and restructuring my life as a result, I’m a lot stronger and I am much more in tune with my body, my energy and what doesn’t feel right. 

It is my belief that children choose their parents in each lifetime in order to learn lessons and to grow from the environment in which they find themselves. She chose me because of what I’ve been through, because of how much I’ve learnt and because I’m passionate about giving her a healthy, happy and safe childhood. 

It’s just tough to be the bad guy who says no and who punishes her. I’d love to be her best friend and give her everything she asks for but that’s not parenting. I’ve seen things in my life that have shown me how important it is to make the hard decisions, to be insistent on protecting our children and leading them away from danger. 

I know we will become stronger through experiences like this. Maybe later in life she will thank me for all I have done to look after her and raise her to be the best version of herself possible. But for now, we have tension and sulking and discomfort. We can endure it, however, in the knowledge that the intentions are noble and pure. 

[findinglifepassion]

Happiness is boring

I’ve been interested in creating a happy life for about five years now. Ever since my health collapsed from stress. I’ve studied positive psychology, read tons of books on the subject and have implemented many new practices into my life in the hope of creating a happy one. 

I’ve had some realisations lately. Happiness is boring. if you think about all the things that make us happy - gratitude, mindfulness, meditation, kindness. They aren’t exactly filled with fun. They are quiet and gentle and perhaps this is why many people avoid these practices. They are looking for more fun. Some excitement. Something to make them feel alive. 

Many of my projects have come to a close and with the pandemic, there is little opportunity to have speaking engagements or to sell my books. It all seems to have dried up. Which dries up the stress, the pressure and the goals. There’s no more excitement because there’s nothing to plan for. 

So many people fear stress and try to avoid it. They spend their lives trying to figure out how to manage it. Something that I've discovered is that stress gives us a boost of energy. It pushes us towards our goals and stretches us to achieve more than we thought we could. So, living in a state of stress that is positive, is very healthy. We blossom and thrive when pushed and stretched. 

I say bring on the stress. Set scary goals and push yourself more to achieve something that frightens you just a little bit. Enjoy that boost of energy as it helps you to become a stronger and better version of yourself. I certainly need a little more stress in my life and I  never thought I’d hear myself saying that considering how much stress destroyed my life. Amazing how life comes around in circles, teaching us over and over all sorts of unexpected lessons. 

Who knows, sometime you might also welcome stress. 

[findinglifepassion]

I Grieve for my Country

I’m writing today for the catharsis that is writing. I’m an author and I love to write about stress. Do you think your stress looks like sadness sometimes? 

The handling of the pandemic in my country has not been professional or successful. Everyone has an opinion and everyone seems to need to force it on others. Not only is the government issuing major restrictions on our general liberties with conflicting rules for different groups, but now every man and his dog feels the need to tell everyone what to do. Can you all just mind your own business? 

I’m angry and I’m sad. I don’t think I can live here anymore. I have no faith that our country will survive this pandemic in a form that makes it livable for me. I’m afraid of the impacts of rampant unemployment on crime and poverty. I’m afraid that crime will become even more prevalent in our daily lives. 

I’m disappointed at what an incredible nation this could be if tax money went where it was intended. I’m devastated by all those school children who will not be able to pass this year and progress into the next one with confidence. I grieve for the brilliant and enthusiastic people who have amazing solutions to our power crisis but cannot implement it due to government ineptitude and corruption. I’m saddened by the idea that potential entrepreneurs will never get their ideas off the ground without bribes, nepotism and corruption as part of the process.  

Maybe a better future lies somewhere else for me. But I will then be an outsider, an interloper, someone who does not belong. Isn’t it already so difficult to navigate the challenges of everyday life? The stress and difficulty in adjusting to a new country and culture will be huge. It’s such a pity we will have to go through that to be able to live freely and move forward. 

One day at a time, I suppose. Thanks for listening. 

[findinglifepassion]

Lessons from 1997

During lockdown I found a packet of letters that I had kept from 1997. At the time I was in my final year of university, studying my honours in information systems at the University of Cape Town. The letters brought a range of interesting lessons and perspectives.

In those days, the average person didn’t have email and, in many cases, not even a home computer or a cell phone. I remember one guy we labelled a show off because he brought his cell phone and his laptop to class.  It would be more accurate to call him an early adopter. It’s funny how things have changed. South Africa’s postal service worked well back then and I wrote and received letters from my friends and family in Johannesburg. A boyfriend left to travel the world and I received many letters from him professing his everlasting love. One guy who used to date a school friend also sent me a bunch of letters which at the time I thought was his way of being friendly. Reading them now, with a bit more street smarts, it’s very amusing to see his attempts at wooing me on paper.

In 1998 when I started work, my boyfriend went to Texas with his company on a learning experience for three months. I found printed emails from him that he sent from internet cafe's also professing his undying love. Good, I suppose, since he’s my husband now. The letters from my friends all stated how much they missed me and they couldn’t wait for me to come home. They spoke of parties, drinking and boys – all the important things when you’re twenty-something.

It made me quite sad to acknowledge that those relationships are no longer. We have drifted apart and are living lives that do not seem compatible anymore. I know that I drifted from some of them when I became a mother and they were single and enjoying a different lifestyle. I changed much of my thinking at university and I could no longer reconcile the thinking and opinions of some friends who were struggling to come to terms with South Africa’s young democracy. I wonder if I should have fought harder to keep many of those relationships and if I was better with people I probably could have.

The saddest letters were from my brother who was dealing with a lot at the time. He wrote about how he travelled to KwaZulu-Natal to visit my grandparents, eager to introduce them to a close friend that he was actually in love with. He wrote about how hurt he felt at my grandfather’s obvious revulsion at his homosexuality and that he would never return. He wrote about how our family home was being taken and sold from under us by the bank and he had to scramble to find a new place to live, alone and unsupported by my parents. His letters are filled with suffering and pain, a result of being abandoned and rejected by family and also hurt in romantic relationships. I read letters from my mother giving her perspective on how she needed to remarry and that we were old enough to stand on our own feet. Her enthusiasm and obvious excitement of the early stages of love in her letters is starkly contrasted by how her relationship ended in much sadness, regret and divorce.

An interesting few letters were from my English teacher in high school. I kept in contact with her after school for many years because she was a source of compassion for me and someone who seemed to understand me. What struck me as so different from how we live now was how candid she was about the ‘oppressive institution’ that was my high school. I should have known better than to initially send my own children into that environment. A teacher wouldn’t dream of putting such things into writing now but how I appreciate her honesty and her support. She encouraged me to seek counselling and in those days, it wasn’t something most people engaged in. I doubt my parents would have paid for it. Almost twenty years later I suffered such a catastrophic burnout that my health was damaged irreparably. Pity I didn’t take her advice more seriously.

My most difficult struggle currently is to see my own value. In reading these letters, it’s clear that people saw something in me that I still don’t see today. My ex-boyfriend wrote about how much ambition and promise I had and that it was impossible for me not to be successful. People seemed so excited to hear I was coming home and my suitors seemed keen to make me their wife.

After my burnout I have written two books and I do public speaking and workshops. I haven’t been able to make any significant money out of it despite a lot of effort. It’s clear that if I fail to believe that I have value to add, how can my clients believe that I will support them? These people all saw something in me and I can’t help but feel I’ve let them down. I’ve failed to live up to expectations and I’m a mere housewife with a writing hobby.

I’m conscious that I’m taking medication that literally steals my joy. It is an actual side-effect of the medication that will potentially save my thyroid. How do I live in a place of apathy and help others find joy? Do I sacrifice my thyroid to be happy?

How do I find my way back into the world and connect with the value I have to offer under these circumstances?

[findinglifepassion]

Apodcast #7 with Kathy Mann

[findinglifepassion]

The next chapter

I published my second book, Harnessing Stress, in November 2019 and it was such a wonderful feeling. It was a a much more positive book compared to my first one, Avoiding Burnout, which served as the entry point into becoming a writer. To me, the first one seems full of suffering and pain as I take the reader through the reasons for getting so sick from stress. There are many people who can benefit from my story and it is my hope that they use my story as a way to avoid suffering from stress-induced illness. 

But Harnessing Stress is more joyful. It’s a book of thriving, of triumph and joy and I really do love it. I honestly felt called to write it, and when I felt confused, sad or frustrated with life, I merely returned to the writing of the book as my true north. It was the one constant thing in a year full of challenges. Anything to do with the book worked out well and it felt as if it was completely the right path to be on. 

Of course finishing the book brought mixed emotions. Such happiness and pride in completing something that I put a lot of myself into. And also sadness, that it’s over and it left a hole that I wasn’t sure how I was going to fill. I made a mental pact with myself to simply enjoy down time at the end of the year and to not push myself too quickly into the next project. 

I so enjoy writing and it is part of my everyday life. I need to write to feel happy, in flow and to express my ideas and thoughts. I won’t stop writing, but I also feel that I need to get more involved in the world. It’s an easy way out to hide in my sanctuary and just churn out the words. But it takes far more courage to take my ideas and experiences into the world to help others. I now want to engage with people more, to test my ideas and knowledge to see if I can influence people towards living their best lives possible. I believe this to be my calling and it cannot be done with writing alone. It’s too passive. 

It is scary to have a lack of clarity on what to do next. But I have two main ideas that I want to take forward. I want to work with companies to support their staff in re-framing stress. That means to shift their thinking around stress to be more positive. To learn how to embrace it and work with it, instead of fearing it and avoiding it. 

My other project is to write the love story of my grandparents. For some reason, I feel called to share their message about how they lived and their love. I haven’t figured out how this maps to my calling or my path and how it relates to my other books, but it is perhaps an important part of their legacy and my ancestry that needs to be preserved and told. 

I used to be someone who ignored intuition, that lived fully in what was logical and practical. Somehow, as part of my journey of recovery, I’ve learnt to trust my gut, to listen to my internal barometer and following the knowing within. I am embarking on new things without knowing how they will benefit me or society, but simply trusting that it will all fall into place. 

[findinglifepassion]

The Beauty of Life is in the Small Things - Finding Your Life Passion

We often complain about the mundane parts of life. Grief has shown me that the real beauty of life is in the small things.

[findinglifepassion]

Avoiding Burnout Book

[findinglifepassion]

Accountability and mindfulness are two ways to reduce your stress levels, feel in control of your life and your time as well as gain respect.

[findinglifepassion]

We are quick to impose judgement on others but we can never truly know what they are experiencing. They need with kindness and compassion instead.

[findinglifepassion]

2018: Opportunities, Lessons and Achievements - Finding Your Life Passion

Reflecting on 2018: speaking, opportunities, writing and more. It's important to see how far we've come instead of worrying so much about what lies ahead.

[findinglifepassion]

I've realised that I'm much happier when my day contains work towards my goals and dreams. I need a certain amount of that to make my day feel worthwhile.

[findinglifepassion]

I've decided to write my next book in an iterative approach so as to receive feedback earlier and to create a higher quality end product.

[findinglifepassion]

I have recently discovered that my quest to educate people on the dangers of stress is flawed. We can't avoid stress but we do want to avoid burnout.

[findinglifepassion]

Since burning out at the end of 2014, my adrenal health has been poor. This week my doctor confirmed my adrenals are functioning normally.

[findinglifepassion]

I invested in myself this weekend and gained far more than I imagined: strengthened relationships and a zest for chasing my dreams.