Trauma occurs in separation healing happens in relation

Recovering from an eating disorder, attachment trauma, and treatment resistant depression. I am a therapist in therapy. I'm learning about who I am and moving on from my past.

[important-dog-pics]

[findingmypeace]

Excited post:

They announced the next musical!!! Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Auditions are Jan 15th and performances are Summer 2027. Knowing what I know about our producer/director, I can only begin to imagine how spectacular this show will be. I am going to do my very, very best to prepare for my audition by starting now even though the audition is 6 months away. I don’t want to miss out on this show too.

Sad post:

Tonight is opening night for Tarzan. The hype has been building all week just like it did for Beetlejuice. Clips on the local news, Facebook reels and posts and Instagram posts, conversations with studio friends, seeing all the advertisements, etc. I wish I was there. The show features a percussion line (especially for Trashin the Camp), performers on stilts, they are using silks, acrobatics, and of course singing and dancing. DS has a pretty big part. And I’m not there on stage with everyone. I’m going to see the show on closing night. I can’t wait to see it. Beetlejuice was amazing. This is so much more than Beetlejuice. I really, really want to be a part of Joseph.

[findingmypeace]

I need to stay away from everyone today. Just stay at home and pretend I don’t exist. ~drama queen~.

[findingmypeace]

Way too much going on in my life. I think I’m getting fired tomorrow. I had a few eye opening conversations with my mom. My family is coming into town on Wednesday evening which is complicated by my sister not wanting a relationship with me. My sister is pregnant with her second child. I’m almost ready to file for bankruptcy, just in time to possibly lose my job resting in delaying the bankruptcy indefinitely. If I take a full time job it’s possible I will make too much money for Ch. 7 and will have to file Ch 13 which will require me to pay back most of my debt but in a smaller monthly payments. Why am I like this?

[findingmypeace]

I am dreading this week. I keep telling myself just to keep putting one foot in front of the other but it just feels like it’s never going to end. I’m so glad I have supportive people in my life now and I also don’t want to share just how much is going on because it’s a lot and I don’t want to overwhelm anyone.

[lawbutch]

we need to de-stigmatize bulimia because the shame is genuinely killing people. It's a coping mechanism you should avoid (like running in traffic or sharing needles) but it is morally neutral and wildly more common than we think. smart, adult, capable people have bulimia. and the more openly we can talk about it the easier it is to find other things to do. because it's just something some people do.

[aleshakills]

At some point in your life, you were taught that being slightly annoying is an unforgivable sin. Maybe it was by your parents or a teacher or a friend or a bully or an older sibling. But someone taught you that being slightly annoying is a crime punishable by death.

You must unlearn this.

You must accept that all people will be annoying at some point or another in their lives, maybe all of their lives, and that this is okay. It is okay for strangers on the bus, it is okay for children in the grocery store, it is okay for people on social media, and it is okay for you.

If you ever want to truly love your fellow humans, if you ever want to truly love yourself, you must have forgiveness for being annoying.

[findingmypeace]

(This has nothing to do with my previous post).

I’m ruining my life. The only things I’m not self-sabotaging is my relationships with DE, TM, and LS. The self-hatred is really, really strong. I think I just need to not be around others until I can figure out why I’m doing this.

[findingmypeace]

Trying not to jump to the worst case scenario. Anxiety is a bitch. It feels real. Like I’m positive that what I think is happening will happen today and I have no reason to believe otherwise.

[glitchedlad]

reblogs were turned off for this one but i want it on my blog too

[findingmypeace]

I just can’t do this day. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m afraid I’ll just hit my limit of stressors today and I might lose it. I don’t think I should even interact with anyone. Between the hurt, sadness, anger I feel in so many areas of my life I feel like it’s better I don’t talk about it. I’m just done.

[findingmypeace]

It’s too much. There’s just too many painful things going on. It feels like DE and TM are the only positives in my life right now.

I just got in a fight with my younger sister and I am so, so hurt. But I finally stuck up for myself. I don’t really argue with my siblings. The pattern seems to be if they don’t like something you did they just cut you out of their lives. On Thursday my youngest sister announced in our family chat that she is pregnant with her second child. Yay…😢

She’s pretty much ignored me for years. Years ago she told me it’s because she felt like I rejected the whole family when I stopped talking to my parents. She also said there was something else she was upset about but she wouldn’t tell me what it was. So basically she thinks I rejected her so, but I didn’t so now she’s rejecting me. That’s mature. In the years since that conversation she won’t share anything with me about her life. When we’re around each other at family events she’s polite but that’s it.

I’m so tired. I don’t know if I can write it out so it makes sense.

I tried to make amends with her today. I sent her a heartfelt message about all the things I could possibly think of that would have made her ignore me, including my attempt. I apologized profusely for what she might have seen and felt that day and how traumatizing it must be to see a sibling in that situation. I told her how much I loved her and shared things that I loved about spending time with her and watching her grow up.

Her response was that she didn’t appreciate being love bombed, she denied treating me as someone who she has to protect her family from, which is what it feels like, and she said she put up a boundary with me for her own reasons and she does not want to talk about it.

Wow. I’m so hurt.

I sent her a message back and told her that I don’t deserve to be treated like this. That I used to believe I deserved all of it because I hurt her so much. But other than what I’ve already said I don’t know what I did. I told her that I am at her mercy because she has control by refusing to talk to me and that is passive-aggressive. I can’t change something, do something different, I can’t explain anything, or make amends if I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I reminded about the mean things she said and did to me when she got pregnant with her first child. (I found out about her pregnancy from a Facebook photo posted by her husband, who declined my friend request because he tagged her in the picture. And then she was angry with me for sending her a gift and told me, “I don’t owe you a thank you for a gift I didn’t ask for.” I wasn’t even asking for a thank you. I told her about when I spent most our brother’s wedding reception hiding in the bathroom crying because of how she was treating me. Finally I once again told her I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I used to think I deserved it but I don’t anymore.

My entire family will be visiting in a week and a half. I am so hurt and angry that I don’t want to see her. Why would I? So I can hear all about her wonderful life that she doesn’t want me to be a part of while seeing my very cute nephew that right now doesn’t know who I am because he’s only seem me three times in his entire two year old life. It’s just a reminder of how he will grow up and I will miss all of it.

Just seeing what I’ve written here-I hate myself so much. I just hate myself.

[findingmypeace]

If you didn’t wanna do a consult during boxing, why did you not schedule it for another time? You’ can literally schedule a consult whenever works for you. You’re complaining about missing boxing, but you’re the reason that you had to miss it

Any new client can schedule a consult on my calendar. I add my availability to the calendar and then they pick a time that works for them.

The issue I’m running into is that I have kept my availability on the calendar open in the evenings. A lot of people work during the day and so do I. I’m still increasing my caseload so I want to keep those hours open. I had planned to see clients in evenings long before I started boxing. Boxing is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and it’s just a class at the gym so I can go on either day. If a client schedules on Tuesday, I can go on Thursday and vice versa.

So, yes, I was complaining about missing boxing class but that really wasn’t the point of my post. My point was that I was feeling sad about recent events and boxing makes me feel good so I was sad about missing it. I was really complaining only because I was missing out on the endorphins. That’s why I added the part about maybe choosing to go out and doing something else that evening.

A direct quote from that post.

“I know this is all just whining and I should get off my butt and just get out of the house and go somewhere.”

I acknowledged that I was whining. I said I should do something about it.

[findingmypeace]

I’m sad tonight. I missed my boxing class because I had a potentially new private practice client schedule a 15 min consult. Boxing is from 5-6pm. The consult was at 5:15pm and lasted 8 minutes because they decided right away to schedule an appointment. I could have gone to boxing and missed a grand total of 8 mins. The class is at Anytime Fitness and it’s a 24hr gym so I can still go whenever I want but now I do and I don’t want to leave my house. It’s not good for me to be at home all day it makes my depression worse. The obvious solution would be to go to the gym but it’s getting late and I don’t want to be there after the evening crowd leaves.

I know this is all just whining and I should get off my butt and just get out of the house and go somewhere.

[findingmypeace]

I finally have some answers and I am so angry. I also feel like I made a fool of myself and let my anxiety get the better of me. Every single aspect of the situation at work was a result of no one communicating. People fill in the gaps when they don't know what's going on. That accounts for all the inconsistencies. My boss was probably frustrated last week because I kept asking him the same question over and over (because the answer didn't make sense) and said things that were irrational. The whole reason no one had heard from him is because they decided to have one point person who did all the communicating back and forth for EVERYONE! Except I don't think they fully explained that to her or that she understand everything they wanted her to be sharing with others. This led to a complete cut off in ALL communication. No one knew what the other side was doing. They chose to have a "messenger" aka point person because my predecessor was being told things and asked to do things from so many different people and no one knew what was going on. So they're solution was to have all communication go through one person. That person was promoted and a new person was hired and wasn't made fully aware of the immense amount of information that needed to be shared with 4 different sets of people. That is how there ended up being zero communication between my boss and his boss and all the other moving parts.

After I finally, finally got to talk to someone (my boss's boss) about my concerns and he explained why they needed one point person (something my own boss never told me) I still don't understand why they didn't just create a Teams chat group when they use Teams for communication between individuals. I suggested that and he didn't say anything at first. I feel like that never occurred to them. There are so many other simple solutions to problems that didn't occur to them that I feel like I'm working for idiots.

[findingmypeace]

Nothing feels normal. It already didn’t feel that way and what’s happening at work has just taken to another level. I feel like I’m living on another planet. I don’t know what feels worse, not noticing the signs or that pretty everyone else lost contact with him and they never said anything to me. How am I supposed to trust they have my back if they don’t tell me my own supervisor is MIA to the rest of the world? How would I know that if I’m talking to him everyday? They heard me mention him from time to time so why didn’t they ask me about the level of contact I had with him. I’m trying to be patient about there being a process to every investigation but it has been acknowledged to me that any investigation is actually taking place. As far as I know everything is the same as it always had.

If this gets shoved under the rug…closure and moving on are already a struggle for me. As an adult I’ve had a total of 2 bosses that weren’t disgustingly horrible. I don’t know for a fact that my boss is actually experiencing psychosis. If that’s what this is then it’s the 2nd time I’ve had a boss who was actively in psychosis. The first was during my pre-licensed years when my boss had to be hospitalized for homicidal ideation for wanting to kill the CEO. My next job I ended up with over 100 clients because as far as I knew none of my clients were officially discharged and I was given a new intake every time I had an opening. My next job, I recently got part of a class action settlement (like $100ish) because my boss had been refusing to give lunch breaks and illegally messing with taxes. Next job-I actually liked my boss but I didn’t like being in a private practice. Then came the job I got laid off from last summer. I loved that job but I got treated like shit by upper management. Then the one last fall where I walked into one of the most disorganized and immature jobs I’ve had with the Director of Nursing keeping a burn book, my supervisor having no clue what she was doing, and being given a schedule that was physically impossible. And now we’re here right back where I started with a boss that is likely psychotic.

I don’t want to have a job anymore. Maybe I’m just whining and I need to suck it up because this is just how it is. Everyone has experienced this. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I’m not purposely doing this nor am I wanting anyone to pity me.

[findingmypeace]

Well work hasn’t gone as I hoped. I’m angry. I’m trying to stay calm and patient and remind myself there is a process. I might never know anything about what happens to my boss because of employee confidentiality. My boss was actually on Teams this morning. I could see that he was active so I sent him a message asking when I would be getting a new client. He said he didn’t know and also said that he would be meeting with the regional director and her boss about “last week”. I was not invited to that meeting. I sent the regional director a text message and called her but I’ve had no response. Essentially, I know nothing. And now that regional directors status on Teams shows that she is out of the office for the rest of the day. I feel like I don’t get a chance to say my part and that nothing will be done. Or they will handle it themselves and I won’t know anything. This guy is my supervisor. He lied to me for seven months and I have no clue if anything is going to be done. 

I’ve already started to look for a new job but I might be stuck at this one for a few more months because I can’t increase my income until after the bankruptcy has cleared. That could be in September or October. Ugh. 😡