I've been working out again lately. After I left my last job, I started thinking about what would i be like if I knew then what I know now. What would I be like if I had both experience and fervor(?).
After about two months at my new job I was invited to go to the gym with a couple of coworkers. I've wanted to get back into shape for a while and the timing was great. A nice thing about how we do it is that it's not about working out together. More the accountability of keeping at it.
I had to remember tips my old trainer gave me. How to warm up, technique, etc.. I'm lucky in that he taught us to not be stupid. Being a guy who has been on magazine covers, he could have pushed working out to breaking. But George was adamant about taking your time. If he knew we were coming back from an injury or just too much time off he would make sure we didn't go too far.
"It'll take time. So be it. Do it right, you aren't going to have what you did. So stick with the basics and don't hurt yourself."
I didn't realize that was going to play as much as it has with self esteem.
A couple of weeks ago I remembered the first time someone had made me feel fat. The memory was buried. I always tell people that I've always had poor self esteem about my weight. But I don't remember it from when I was a kid.
When I was 13/14, I was at a friend's house. It was a church youth group lake party. I remember laying in the grass soaking up sun and drying out after spending most of the day in the lake. My friend "R" was sitting with a couple of girls (J and A). I remember one of the girls looking in my direction and saying something along the lines of "ew". Sure, I was not nearly as muscular as my football-playing friend, R. Nor as tan. But it doesn't cover him standing up, walking over and suggesting I "put on a shirt".
The first time I felt bad about how I looked to others and I have my "friend" to thank. The more I think about it, the more I realize how less and less I trusted anyone close to me saying anything positive about me after.
I'm not what I once was. I'm not care-free. But I've always tried to make others feel better about themselves because I haven't in a long, long time. So how so I di that with others....
Step 1: Admit it hurt. That it was uncalled for. Let the pain run its course.
Obviously. And that was one of the best pissed-off-workouts I have ever done.
Step 2: Question the problem. Does it matter now? It was 20 years ago. Think.
...I haven't talked to R in about 16 years. J and A hardly factored in the first place. Why should anything they thought or said when we were all damn teenagers matter now?
Step 3: If it has no bearing, move on. Look at myself again without the damnable blinders.
I tell people that my brother is the skinny one, I'm the big one. My back, shoulders, legs and ass are my best builders at the gym. Physically, I'm a beast. So what if I don't have a six pack? I can take a hit. I'm not fast, but I can bust a door down.
There are those that I have been sorely attracted to that I never had the courage to make a move with due to low self esteem. Jobs I know I am qualified for that I haven't applied to. How many chances do I know I could have taken?
The best batting average is .366. That's basically 1 in 3. Even if it's just coffee.
Step 4: Swing the damn bat.
