From The Embers

“You’re not a coward. I know that because you haven’t given up yet. You’re standing here. As long as you face the light and take even one step, the human soul can never truly be defeated.” - Klaus Von Reinherz from Blood Blockade Battlefront

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix Lake Party 2024

[oxtofmydcpth]

Phoenix' place // Phoenix Romero-Sawyer // @firecaptainphoenix

"I'm scared Phoenix," the beer, opened but untoched, was in hand as he sat on the couch, rolling it slowly between both palms, looking past it, down onto the ground as if the answers to life would be etched into the carpet. "I feel myself slipping away and I don't know what to do about it."

He sighed, placing his beer on the table, reaching down and into his bag, pulling out two sketchbooks. The first he opened on a random page, detailed sketches of people from the Diner, people serving and eating and smiling, Vincent at work in the background of one scene. One of the few sketchbooks to escape damage from the flooding. Falco then opened the second, a more recent sketchbook, only a quarter full, but the difference was obvious.

"Someone said it was noticeable," the darker scrawls, no consideration for their placement or the smudges the pushed to the edge of the page, the misshapen subject matter, still faces but more twisted, less observational and more abstract. "And they say that art is always a representation of the artists soul." He sighed again, picking the beer up and finally taking a long swig.

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix was slowly sipping at his beer, Dodger and Jay were out, likely at the arcade or equally as likely was Dodger napping under a tree while Jay went swimming in the lake with her boyfriend. When Falco had asked to speak privately he'd made it happen, after everything he'd done for him, he didn't hesitate to make time for his younger brother.

"Slipping away," he repeated, it wasn't like he'd never felt like that, but to see it in Falco was more than a bit surprising. He'd been the most emotionally regulated of the lot of them for a while. His brow furrowed as he took both sketch books looking between them. "It's a lot less controlled," he said after a beat, flipping through them and frowning, "That how you feeling, out of control then? Art always was like the thing you used to get the bad stuff out and control it right?"

[callofthxvoid]

Clara nodded slowly and made a mental note to drop by to see Hank as soon as she could. As much as she missed Morgan, she could only imagine what he was going through. It felt downright cruel, having the two of them reunite with each other and their long-lost daughter, only for things to end this way. And it wasn't the first time the town had been cruel in whom it chose to spare and whom is chose to rip away. She would know. "Would it?" she asked, staring at her glass for a moment before reaching out and gulping down half of it. She glanced down and shook her head. "Would it really be that much worse off? As hard as I try, I feel like I'm barely holding it together. It feels like everything I do is about as effective as slapping a bandaid on a bullet hole."

She took a deep breath and looked back up at Phoenix. "It means a lot to me to have your respect," she continued "But I'm never not going to blame myself for that night. At the end of the day, the only reason they were out there, the only reason they had to leave Jay alone in the house, was because I was too drunk to make it home on my own. And even then I barely made it through the door in time. A second later and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now." She could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and she blinked rapidly, as if that would stop them from falling. "I don't know how long I can keep doing this. It never stops. As soon as I feel like I have a handle on things, something else goes horribly wrong, and I'm scrambling all over again. I can't even finish mourning one death before another follows." She could feel angry tears streaking down her cheeks. "Maybe if they were still here, if I could still talk to them, then I could do this. But they're not. They're not here. Because everyone I love dies."

Clara set her glass down on the table and covered her face with her hands. As hard as she tried not to, she felt herself break down into painful sobs, tired and overwhelmed by her entire existence. "I got married. I got married and my parents weren't there."

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix frowned and stared down at his own glass, her words weren't anything new to hear. Maybe that was the worst part, used to the self deprecation and fury Clara held for herself. Some days it was like looking in the mirror and some days it was like watching a car crash he couldn't look away from. Swallowing hard as he thought, that silence that always seemed to claw its way up his throat when he struggled to find what it was he wanted to say.

"You think you're the only one who wishes someone else was here instead?" Phoenix asked softly, running his finger along the rim of his glass. "He was always better at the emotional stuff than me, you know?" Grabbing his drink he took another long sip, "She watches me, thinks I don't notice, but I do. Scared she's going to lose me because I couldn't keep my shit together, tell myself I'm completely honest with her now but that's-" Cutting himself he took a shaky breath running a hand through his hair, "You ain't the only one who's been tired Jonesy," he added reaching into his pocket and tossing a worn out piece of paper towards her. A letter to Falco written years ago to take Jay to Duck, the implication for what he'd planned to do clear.

He lets his shoulders drop, the exhaustion from life in this for over a decade finally showing itself. He's up before he can really think, tugging her up and into a hug, because fuck they both need it. "I don't know why we're still here and they're not, but we are. You still got folks who are here for you, got Jamie, Jay, James, probably a bunch of other J names I'm missing, rangers, me," he mumbled a chuckle mixed with a sob slipping out, the wetness on his own face ignored for now, "John and Peggy helped me get a handle on things, let some of us handle it sometimes."

[callofthxvoid]

Clara did the same, downing almost her entire drink in one go before setting the glass on the table, ignoring the urge to already reach for a refill. She shook her head. "Nah, I don't think it's wrong at all," she agreed, leaning back in her seat. "I feel the same way. Morgan was always gonna go out as a hero or not at all. It doesn't make her loss any easier to swallow, but knowing her, I don't think she regrets her choices, you know?"

She glanced at the almost empty glass, reaching for it and downing the rest, but opted not to refill it. For now. "It's more than my parents got," Clara said quietly, the words slipping out before she could fully register them. "Twenty years they were married and they didn't even get to go out together. And then Jay..." She trailed off, looking away from Phoenix, weighed down by years of guilt. "I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself for what happened that night. I don't know how you can even look at me."

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix had taken his glass back, taking a long sip as he nodded along with Clara's words. "No I don't think she has any regrets," he agreed. Even if someone the people in her life may have felt differently about it. "Might see about sending Hank some meals, her kid seems to be doing fine. Least from when I've seen her or her husband," he said shrugging. If he was honest her lack of reaction hadn't surprised him much, of anything he understood the need to keep focused.

He'd been in the middle of pouring himself another glass when his eyes flickered to Clara. Moving the bottle to refill hers as well. Leaning back in his chair he took a slow sip before sighing. "I can look at ya just fine, you punish yourself more than anyone else I know," he said shaking his head. Maybe he should've been angry, bitter even over the danger Jay had been in that night. "We could've lost you too that night, and this town woulda been worse off for it," he said, "I know what being in the pit is like Jonesy, know what it feels like when you feel like you let everyone down. Whatever blood debt you think you owe you more than paid by now, and you think I'm ever gonna look at you with anything but respect you got the wrong guy."

[callofthxvoid]

WHERE: South Watch Tower WHO: Phoenix Romero-Sawyer ( @firecaptainphoenix )

It had, in fact, dawned on Clara several times since the art festival that she got to be happily married for a week before the town went belly up again. Everything that had followed after seemed par for the course in her life. Cat almost dying in the flooding, James going through recovery, losing Morgan... It had reached the point where, even if she could afford to break down, which she couldn't, she wouldn't even have the energy to. She had been through the same cycle too many times and it never stopped.

So, she did what she always did. She offered to cover a shift at a different watchtower and she went to work. Having Phoenix join her as well was unusual, but definitely not unheard of, and it gave them a chance to have a toast in memory of their friend.

"Here," Clara said, holding out a glass for him before raising her own. "To Morgan."

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix had been idly scratching at his beard, he'd radioed early on to be sure that Dodger and Jay were safe at home. Jay who'd gripped his arm tight and only seemed mildly more at ease when he said it was Clara who he was working with that night. Dahlia had been the one asking him what he needed but knowing how Clara was he knew the only way they'd get to talk was at work.

So he'd taken DJ's shift, reaching across the desk for the glass and clinking it against hers. "To Morgan," he repeated before downing more than half his drink. Leaning back against his chair he set the glass on the desk, "You know of all the ways it could have happened, is it wrong to be grateful that's how it was? Saving some kid, she wasn't alone and even had a good friend with her. More than half the people in this town got."

[oxtofmydcpth]

Dodger pressed a finger to his chin and hummed in playful thought. Cots at the event was a good idea and maybe he could sneak off for a quick power nap before any major dances happened. "You could always sneak off with me?" He wriggled his brows, "if you're really quick you can make it look like you were only tucking me in." He enjoyed this teasing they could now openly engage in, no longer hidden behind the guise of playful banter between best friends. "Brooding was half your families thing, the awkward was the other half. I'm glad you got the brooding," he purred, "only one of us is allowed to be awkward."

He'd never get tired of Phoenix complimenting him, not anymore. At points it felt like a joke, at others, just something to make him feel good in the moment, but now he knew for sure those words were genuine. He pushed in close, nuzzling into the others chest, letting the kisses press against his forehead. "I'm your cute mess. And I love you." He chuckled, nudging into his with his shoulder, "the bedhead look is always intentional," a joke, "but lets stop by, for sure. Maybe he's got a candid painting of us we can stick on the wall," he laughed, pulling away but slotting his hand into Phoenix's, "or we could request a commission some time? I got ration cards to spare. I think it would be nice for us...for an official picture y'know?"

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix chuckled stealing another kiss from Dodger and shaking his head, "Tucking you in, huh? Yeah I think I can manage that." It still at times felt surreal that he had a full family to be a part of, the brooding boy from high school had assumed he'd never find anywhere he felt at home. That he'd always be second guessing himself, or that he'd have simply stayed as a drifter. Instead here he was, watching his daughter have a life and his best friend at his side.

"I love you too, and your bedhead," he replied, the grin on his face equal parts genuine and teasing. Letting Dodger pull back he intertwined their fingers when he took his hand giving him a nod. "Really big on making things official?" he said but the grin never faded, "I'd like that, something for us to have that's more permanent."

[oxtofmydcpth]

Dodger felt his cheeks flush pink. How had he been lucky enough to fall for his best friend, and have said best friend fall for him too? How had he found someone so willing to compromise and adapt to Dodgers way of living? “No, no I don’t want to cut the day short. We don’t do enough of this kind of stuff. I’ll be alright, just…let me go for a power nap if I really need it?” He always did, and Dodger more often than not had a short burst of revitalised energy. The prospect of a sexy night after the event would certain keep him going. “No Cass is the best dancer, that is just fact. I should go to him for lessons. As for Falco,” Dodger shrugged, “clearly overrated.” He joked, “who would wants a sexy Spaniard with a big ass and big arms and piercing blue eyes that’s good at painting, when you can have a slightly overweight Turkish man that always looks a mess and spends twenty out of twenty-four hours asleep?” He squeezed gently around Phoenix’s middle, letting his head rest against his lovers chest, “but I think Jay knows more Turkish than Spanish, so I’m taking that as a win.” He turned his head for a moment, looking out at the stalls around them. “Have you been to his stall yet?”

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix smiled, still surprised some days how willing Dodger was to try and power through things. It made him feel warm to know Dodger saw him and Jay as something worth the effort. It was more than he'd ever felt like he could ask for from someone he'd called his best friend for years. "They do have cots for people staying overnight, hardly think they cared if you broke one in a little early," he agreed giving him another quick kiss. Rolling his eyes he chuckled and shook his head at the description of his brother. "You know it's weird hearing him described like that, I still see the awkward kid I grew up with, even if I wasn't much better with the silent brooding thing I had going for me."

Maybe it was why it had been so easy to be friends with Dodger in those days, he'd never expected Phoenix to talk his ear off, the two content to just sit in each other's presence. It was a peace that had been difficult to find for a young Romero so he'd clung to it as tightly as he could. "You're a cute mess," he said glancing down at him and kissing his head, "The bedhead almost looks intentional somedays, I'm a fan." Glancing at the stalls he slowly shook his head, "No, we can stop by and say hi. Maybe buy a painting if he has any left, I saw a few being carted around."

[oxtofmydcpth]

"Hmmm," Dodger gave a thoughtful hum, "just bed, or bedtime activities?" He queried further, but was quick to shake his head, "no, actually, I think after day dancing, any night time action might be too much." Phoenix was used to his sleeping schedule now, and Dodger didn't want to promise something he wouldn't be able to deliver. "With Celia? No, definitely not. She demands perfection and I'm not about that. But, from what I remember of the wedding, you definitely are the more rhythmic of the three. Falco and Cass might have you beat though, but I'm not planning on dancing with them any time soon."

[firecaptainphoenix]

"All I'm hearing is we might need to cut out early from the dancing," Phoenix said leaning his face down to kiss Dodger fully. He was only half joking, more than happy with how their night went either way. "I think she take it easy on you, take advantage of the in-law privilege," he joked. While it did scare him a bit to imagine Jay's future the likelihood that she and Felipe would make them in-laws with the de la Luna was fairly high in his opinion. Quirking an eyebrow at Dodger he pulled him in closer to his side, "Listen, Cass can be the better dancer, don't mind you dancing with him. But Falco has his own man to keep him entertained, don't need him pulling out the accent to charm you away," he was mostly joking.

[oxtofmydcpth]

Dodger allowed himself to be pulled in close, wanting nothing more than to be close to Phoenix right now, his own arm coming up and over his partners shoulder, head turning to plant a kiss against his stubbled cheek. "If it means I have you holding me all day and all night, I'll dance as long as you want," he grinned, a dangerous precedent he was now setting, but how things turned out at the last event, Dodger wasn't intending to let Phoenix out of his grasp. "I think I'm getting good though. I think we'll give everyone else a run for their money."

[firecaptainphoenix]

"Tempting but I'm willing to compromise, day dancing and night is for bed," Phoenix teased pressing a light kiss to the side of Dodger's head. He'd noted the small amount of tensing in him as well as occasionally in Jay. He felt similar, but he was trying to be hopeful enough for all of them. "Better than me, you been sneaking dance lessons from Celia without me? Long as I'm still a better dancer than Hawk and Duck I'll live."

[detectivegoldstein]

At this point James was just tired. He frowned at the other man. It wasn't Phoenix's fault, but James was already in a piss poor mood. "It was stolen," he deadpanned. "An' now I'm goin' around lookin' for fuckin' metal pigs. Feel like I'm losin' my damn mind."

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix eyebrows rose, "Fuck," he said rubbing his jaw and shaking his head. Pausing in thought before looking at James again, "We got some spare crutches, can grab one, least it'll take some of the weight off?" He was about offer to grab before the metal pig comment hit. Blinking he slowly glanced at Jay who was crouched down grinning at Maya, "Fuck," he repeated as he slowly put together where the metal had likely come from. "Um...found one," he grumbled.

[firecaptainphoenix]

WHERE: Outside the Fire Station WHO: James (@detectivegoldstein)

Phoenix burst out laughing when Jay showed him the tiny pig she'd bought, half tempted to ask if he could buy it off her and give it any of the officers he was friends with. He figured they'd take it in good fun considering the fake rivalry between the departments over the years. Dahlia was on her way out with her girls when Maya Cruz-Dutton whipped back around.

"Awwww it's so cute!" she said taking it carefully when Jay let her hold it and watching the way the light reflected off the metal.

Phoenix was shaking his head in amusement before spotting James hobbling nearby, raising a brow at the notepad he was flipping through. Walking over he gave half a wave, "Everything alright...wait. Where's your cane? You're as bad as Duck and I ain't saving you from a Jonesy lecture."

[firecaptainphoenix]

WHERE: Main Street WHO: Dodger (@oxtofmydcpth)

Phoenix had waved at Jay who still seemed more than a bit embarrassed over the pig sculpture incident. He gave Felipe de la Luna a small nod, figuring if nothing else her boyfriend could get her mind off things. Glancing over at Dodger he wrapped his arm around his waist pulling him into his side. "Two weddings and now a ball, sure you got the energy for all this dancing we've been doing?" he teased.

[firecaptainphoenix]

🏠 HOUSE — my muse's family/hometown

[oxtofmydcpth]

"Hey hey," he shook his head, "It's not all on me, okay? I didn't do anything, I was just around. You did all the important stuff, and she is a strong girl, she would have healed with or without me there." There was something sincere about his thoughts, not the usual self-depreciating tinge that used to lace his words. "Well look at you being the good, supportive uncle," Dodger grinned, he loved how generous Phoenix could be, how supportive of his family he was even when he didn't know them. Phoenix pulled Dodger closer and kissed him, and Dodger smiled into it, letting his arms wrap around Phoenix's waist, hands sliding down into the pockets on the back of his jeans. "He said there was a photograph, but I do not remember one being taken. Please tell me I don't look too tired? We don't have a lot of photographs of us so it would be nice to have one where I look at least a little awake."

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix bit back a sigh and shook his head a bit, at least Dodger's tone let him know he was starting to accept his words. He felt a small flush on his face as he shrugged, "Trying to be, least to give Hawk a few less things to worry bout," there was a split second where his smile wavered, unable to hide how worried he actually was before he shoved it back. "Think you might have been fresh from a nap, you look handsome," he said his tease turning more genuine as he pressed his lips against the side of Dodger's head. "Think Celia's girl might have a couple more pictures of us, not sure how good I look in those."

[wanderinglcst-deactivated202412]

Matt pondered then shook his head. "He told me he hasn't taken anything in years and that he had an operation before he came back into town on his heart. Do you really think she can help him?" there was a little hint of hope to his tone.

[firecaptainphoenix]

Phoenix shrugged, "Couldn't hurt to ask her, she and her boyfriend been doing pretty well working with Jaybird," he admitted. He hesitated before adding, "Even gave me some stuff to help me sleep that works pretty good, like I said I can talk to her? Pretty sure Hawk gonna need you once Sora leaves."

[lxvenderhxzehv]

"But were suppose to be better with situations like that and I caved under pressure..." He explained. "for a while I guess. I just....I've been a disappointment my whole life I don't want to mess this up. I don't want anyone to get hurt any more" his thoughts went to Jessie. He wanted her to be proud of him. Proud of who she was dating.

[firecaptainphoenix]

"Damian, there's being prepared for a fire and then there's the whole town getting leveled by an earthquake," Phoenix said firmly. "You think you're the first to freeze over that? Knew plenty of guys back in L.A. who weren't ready for that their first time." He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, "That's a great thought, but it's part of the job, we don't always save everyone." for a brief second Bradley's face flashed in his head, "We carry em with us, do our best to make sure it don't happen again." As much as he wanted to be supportive, he also knew in their line they needed to be realistic. "Regardless of whatever happened before, you ain't ever disappointed anyone in this station, ok?

[wanderinglcst-deactivated202412]

Matt felt bad for spilling the beans, Phoenix looked a bit unhappy about not finding out from the source itself, Matt had begged Hawk for months to tell his family. "I'm really sorry you're finding out about it like this, he just won't tell anyone. I think he's scared." He dropped his shoulders some. "I don't know, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying not to think about the possibilities that come with it."

[firecaptainphoenix]

"I ain't happy about it, but it is what it is," Phoenix mumbled hand reaching up to fiddle with a necklace he no longer wore, arm dropping back to the table. Glancing at Matt he shook his head, "You ain't gotta apologize for him," sighing he nodded, "Yeah I can get that." Rubbing at his face again he asked, "Was planning on talking to Z about medication for Sora, you know if Hawk takes anything?"