The first time I was a ever called a brat, I was a baby sub, very new and uncertain - I wasn’t good at articulating my wants and my boundaries. So when a dominant that I had been playing with asked me to do something that was a little humiliating but also kinda hot, I dragged my feet and teasingly said, “Make me.”
“Oh, you’re one of those,” he said with disgust. “A *brat*. Don’t worry, I’ll beat that out of you soon enough.” I remember being horribly ashamed but also confused. Why was being a brat so bad? I just wanted him to really exert control; I wasn’t really saying no or being defiant...was I? I didn’t want him to think I was a bad submissive, so I was meekly obedient the rest of the evening. It was rather underwhelming and I was torn between feeling miserably stifled and misunderstood, but also wanting to be a good girl.
I’ve had many dominants over the years with varying stances on bratting. Some enjoy it. Some don’t. Some find it amusing as roleplay. Some find it worse than a cold shower or have been traumatized by previous experiences with other submissives who identified as brats. And that makes me sad, because I’d never want something I enjoy to be traumatic for my partner, or to genuinely cause them harm or displease them.
But the truth is...I’m a brat.(well, sometimes...)
Bratting gets such a bad reputation - most often, in my opinion, because it doesn’t get thoroughly negotiated, and when/if it happens, someone’s consent is getting violated (and that’s not okay). Alternately, you get a bottom or submissive who is a brat trying desperately to round off the bratty edges of their personality to fit some idealised image of a submissive that they are never going enjoy trying to live up to. (I’ve been there, and it isn’t fun.)
So what’s a brat to do, when it feels sometimes like the entire D/s community is against them? *Practice Ethical Bratting.*
Disclaimer: There is no one true way to kink. I am not an expert, I just play one on tv. Feel free to disagree with me and take my advice for the 2 cents it’s worth!
Now....Here’s how:
1) Know your why. This means - know yourself. What about bratting appeals to you? Why do you like it? What do you want to happen if/when you brat? There are as many reasons why brats do what they do as there are brats in existence. (Side note: not all brats are bottoms/submissives. Tops/Dominants/Switches can all be brats, too. I’m primarily speaking from my experience as a submissive, but this advice really goes for anyone, no matter where you fall on the kinky spectrum.)
Common “why”s I’ve seen include:
- a desire to be pushed, to feel the other partner exert control/dominance
- a desire for attention, to feel their partner’s desire or focus on them (or alternately, to feel the focus of a group/room)
- a desire for pain/masochism, to get their partner to engage in funishment or some sort of painful play/scene
- a desire for control, if feeling overwhelmed/uncertain/embarrassed
- a desire to fight back/resist, which may be physical or mental - to be overwhelmed or taken, sometimes related to an interest in CNC or primal play
Whatever your why, knowing why you brat can help you figure out how to negotiate it!
2) Consent - get it or get out. I mean, really, consent is the bare minimum. If you brat without consent, you might be subjecting your partner to things they are not prepared to handle in a scene - whether that’s feeling physically resisted or sassily challenged to prove their dominance - and it can have serious negative consequences - you or your partner might get really hurt, physically or mentally. You might damage the trust between you and your partner.
Most of my partners have been willing to engage in some form of bratting with me, but in some cases it took a lot of negotiation and time to make sure we were all on the same page. And I have learned to walk away from partners that really just aren’t into it - we likely won’t be a very good fit in the long term. You have to respect someone’s no, even if it means you don’t get to do the thing you really want to do. But sometimes that means not playing with them, too, because you can’t be the kind of partner they want you to be.
3) Communicate - hash out the details! Negotiation is more than just saying “hey, I’m a brat, you cool with it?” I like to say this is talking about the who, what, when, where, and how of bratting.
- who - you and your partner, obviously, but also...are they okay with you behaving brattily towards anyone else?
- what/how - what do you do when you brat? Are you a smart-mouthed masochist? (me!me!me!) Are you going to physically struggle? What kinds of things do you do and say when you are bratting? It’s important here to discuss any physical limitations either of you may have, especially if you intend to engage in any rough physical play. Also, make this a part of your check-ins (more on those later) - before, during, and, after a scene. Don’t be stoic about pain such that you put your health at risk. That’s not being manly or taking it like a good sub - that’s putting yourself and your partner at risk if something minor becomes something major in a scene. Also, if you routinely use anything like an allergy medicine or an inhaler, make sure you tell your partner where it is/how to administer it!
- when/where - is it okay to brat in public? Only at home? Around friends? Other kinksters? Most of my partners enjoyed a bratting in private, less so in public. Attention seeking isn’t really a why for me, so it was never an issue, but if it is consider public roleplaying scenes - teacher/pupil is a fun one, and it let’s you get the bratting out in public as part of a defined scene.
I also strongly suggest having safe words/signals for bratting play. M used to say “Enough.” when he didn’t want to engage with bratty play/behaviour. It was a signal that told me it was time to be quiet and obedient, and that talking back was no longer permitted. We also used 3 taps/tapping out if engaging in any kind of rough or physical play - it’s good for all partners to feel comfortable using safe words and gestures to make sure no one gets hurt, especially accidentally
4) Respect - you negotiated it, colour within the lines! Basically, stick with what you negotiated. You agreed not to brat in public, then just...don’t. If you show your partner you can do what you agreed to, then they are more likely to give you more leeway if you play again. Conversely, if you show them you can’t be trusted to do what you agreed to do (or not do), then they might stop the scene, or not play with you again. Bratting is not a get out of jail free card. It does not excuse consent violations.
5) Check-ins: before, during, and after! It’s always good to check in with your partner - and never more so that if you are doing something CNC-adjacent like bratting. Doing so before play starts can help make sure both partners are aware of any issues that might be present before a scene starts (is your bad knee acting up? Just got your period? Had a rough day at work and not in the right headspace? These are just examples of things that checking in before playing might catch and prevent from becoming bigger issues during a scene later.) Checking in doesn’t have to break the scene - but I’d rather check in and risk breaking the mood than *not* and risk a scene going bad because something was going wrong and we didn’t communicate about it early enough. Remember that using your safe word/gesture is always valid, and anyone who says otherwise does not have your safety or best interests at heart. A quick check in after play is good, but it’s also good to do an follow-up check in a day or two after a scene. Sometimes you can be so busy doing *physical* aftercare (or sexy fun things) after a scene, that you don’t have time/energy/awareness to process how the scene actually went and bring up any positives or negatives in a constructive way.
I hope this has shared some good ideas for how to incorporate bratting into your play, and helped reduce the stigma around it even a little bit. I’m happy to answer questions and to share ideas if anyone’s interested! Happy bratting!
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