FireJengine: Express

Just stuff.

[firejengine]

Just beach stuff / Solo cosas de la playa (I don't know what #8 is / No sé que es #8) #playa #beach #ocean #oceano #sand #arena #waves #olas #water #agua (en San Juan, Puerto Rico) https://www.instagram.com/p/CodYEcbpYA8/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[firejengine]

Tl;Dr:MMORPGS taught me how to name myself. Names give me anxiety, but I didn't really realize this until I had to pick my first online name–Neon20_01–I had to pick something if I wanted to play NeoPets, so I picked the name from a seahorse Beanie Baby and split the year to give me something quickly usable. For Runescape, this rolled over, but I could make multiple accounts and I definitely did and I believe it's where I first used my name in a tag: IAMJEN, IAMJENNIFER, possibly IAMJENNY or IAMJENNA, pretty sure in all-caps. I don't remember when my siblings roped me into playing Phantasy Star Online, but that's where I landed on the name Xami/Xamii. I kept picking random names, deleting and adding random letters until I found combination of letters that seemed right. Xamii didn't actively have a meaning to me, at the time...I'm not sure if I started on MapleStory(MS) as Neon or Xamii, but eventually, I started making new names for new characters with different abilities. I was barely going to school, sick a lot, working various jobs. Kids vs. parents didn't see eye to eye, so it was every man for himself past a certain age. As long as I was earning a paycheck and had my own vehicle, I was under the radar and I could spend my money mostly how I chose, which ended up being music, games, books, clothes, and people that I cared about too blindly. During my years of MS stints, I poured probably thousands of hours and dollars on most anything I wanted. It was an online playground for a young recluse with a social side and a penchant for cute/dark things. It was an interesting mixture, especially when you add the guild aspect. I found a few guilds that I felt at home in, found some people I felt I was useful to. Eventually, I became Achiira, Kiimazui (Kimazuii?). My pets were Chii, Kyuu, Ryuu, and Arii. Those names were words picked and slightly altered from my Japanese dictionary. MS is where (Fire)Jengine started, too–it's where my official name pun games began–Jeneral, imaJen, etc. So many names, I only remember a few, but since then, I've been collecting them 🤷‍♀ ❤️‍🔥 👽🔥 #ranoutofspace #whatsinaname #namepuns #namegames #ifthenamefits #wearit #jackofmanytrades (en Naples, Maine) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoJE6SotwjL/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[firejengine]

Pa' recibir complementos en el lado mía que casi siempre he pienso es mi lado más malo (aunque, he pienso to' son mis lados malos), se me causa pa asumir que to' es una mentira. Mi cadera/pierna derecha, no estoy segura si casi la rompo o realmente romperla cuando era 10, pero tiene un cicatriz básicamente invisible pero adormecido y se cambia la forma de mi culo. Me hace enojado, avergonzado. Escuchando gente charlar de mi cuerpo y cómo se tal vez mira debajo la ropa, nunca sentirme que he vestí ropa, no importa las capas.... ¿Cuál es el punto en escondiendo? (en Naples, Maine) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoD1KsxtJRP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[firejengine]

at Donnabeth Lippman Park https://www.instagram.com/p/CQlTTHwgQwN/?utm_medium=tumblr

[firejengine]

I'm pretty sure I stole the rhythm of this from a Kevvo song, can't currently remember which, and yeah, it's all over the place, but it just felt good to write for a second:

You think I'm pining, you think I want you, think I'm caught up in my bed thinking about you. Well guess what, motherfucker, it's not about you. It's just I see your struggle and I struggle too. Just to see your coping and I cope too. It's just to see how you relate and I relate too. All I want's a friend, is that so much to ask? One that doesn't use me for my money or my ass. One, when I'm around, I don't have to tiptoe through the glass, and grovel and grasp, at the hem of your robe because you won't reach out, because you're so high, yeah you're almighty, and I'm just a fucking peon getting pissed on, and getting pissed off, can't do a fucking thing 'cause you don't fight fair, you're sending nightmares, to do your bidding and you're winning but by a slight hair, but fuck I don't care, let them stare and see if I can pull ahead or if I'll die here

[firejengine]

This is one of the first pieces of #art I remember marring. I took an eraser to it. I had to know. @gymclassheroes https://www.instagram.com/p/CAQXps6AP-L/?igshid=1kdkw1quwro99

[firejengine]

It took me about seven tries to understand what the fuck they were saying right here. I don't care if I lose my job for this. The shit they're trying to pull isn't right. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAKilKNgx6N/?igshid=1ns0oq5nrpucw

[firejengine]

I don't think I've shared this one before. Circa Oct. 2013ish. The date was added later, given that it's just the month and no day. I wouldn't have written it down though, if it wasn't close enough. Definite influences from Stephanie Meyer's book "The Host" on the second page, looking back.

[firejengine]

Doodles, ramblings, poetry, faces I've seen in the cracks of the pavement or in between the trees, or in the stucco ceiling.

In little-to-no order, as I always just grab a notebook, open to a blank page, and write occasionally and it's certainly not everything. Sometimes I put the date, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I finish a thought, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I add to something.

Some of it I've tried to throw away over the years, but I don't think I was ever successful.

The only things that aren't mine are the Libra breakdown (that was research for a failed tattoo idea) and the drawing of myself. That was done by my art teacher at the adult ed. night school I graduated from, at age 18 I think (he did one of every graduating student). Class of '07 anyway. I should have been class of '06, but dropped out my senior year.

The upper three poems are from high school and speak heavily on committing suicide. They were a cry for help and I hate displaying them. There are very few people I showed, one of them being my English teacher. She proceeded to try to edit and correct them, as if they were an assignment 👍🖕 If nothing else, it enraged me and deterred me from suicide, having the knowledge that I couldn't even get the suicide note right, so, I guess, thanks? Of course, it also ensured I would show little to zero of my thoughts and poetry to anyone over the next 15 years.

2005-2020

[firejengine]

It's done, minus the cleanup, which dad informed me I don't have to help with. What a project. #seriously Taking off the limbs on the way up was fine, but when it came down to actually cutting the tree down, I almost didn't have the #balls to continue. The chainsaw is awkward and heavy and I can't start it myself, so I had to: haul it up to myself while it was running, send it down after I made my cut, move down, reposition ropes, and start again. I became more confident with the chainsaw by the end though. Included are today's photos, plus some photos and videos from previous days. The final photo is the measurements of all my cuts (in feet), including the stump height. The tree was about 66 ft tall. I climbed over 50 feet of that to take off the top. Not going to lie. I'm pretty #proud of myself #tree #trees #treework #treeremoval #helpingmyparents #notbad #done #complete #finished #timber #chainsaw #sawdust #climbing #treeclimbing #treeclimbinggear #inatree #intheair #ilovethis #scary #exciting #outside #outdoors #aroundtheyard #family #redhead (at Naples, Maine) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_1acc-gOKk/?igshid=1sgcsygzwxe77

[firejengine]

I didn't bring the chainsaw up. I used the #bowsaw and almost regret it. It took everything I had in me to complete the cut. Holy shit, I hurt everywhere. Mom got the photo of the top coming down. Not going to lie, it fell perfect. 😎 Chainsaw from here on down, but that's for another day #treework #tree #intheair #inatree #twilight #dusk #treework #progress #treeremoval #inprogress #gettingthere #timber #kindof #mybodyaches #everythinghurts (at Naples, Maine) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_lo3TGJY-f/?igshid=1orqtqxeoneje

[firejengine]

From a coward's vantage:

An essay of sorts, AKA wall of text or long-winded rant (lol, wind):

It's unnerving to be in a tree 30+ feet up in the air, only thing holding you in place is a climbing lanyard and some gaffs. When the wind gusts pick up and set you really swaying, it's downright scary. All you can honestly do is get in close, hug the tree, and ride it out. There have been many times I've had to do just that over the last few days. These occurrences are unsettling and intense, but part of the job. You don't hoist yourself into the sky without first thinking about what happens if you fall.

Despite being afraid of quite possibly everything, my personal outlook on death is very "que sera, sera", "whatever will be, will be"; I can't avoid it and it could happen any time so I may as well give in to my adventurous nature. That mindset was put to the test a bit, yesterday.

The wind picked up while I was in the tree, unusually strong for a minute or two. This may not sound like much, but I believe saying it felt a lot like being stuck in a dinghy in the middle of the ocean as the ocean starts thrashing is a fair comparison, if that helps give it some perspective. Riding it out should have been terrifying, clutching to the tree, waiting for it to snap and send me plummeting, but I tend to face my fears as if I'm confronting a snarling dog or a wasp landing on my face (it's happened!); I swallow my feelings down, control my breathing, and try to exude "calm". Projecting feelings of peace onto the wind doesn't help much in retrospect, go figure. Convinced I was about to die, I proceeded to do the only thing I could think of.

I sang.

Waiting.

Eyes closed.

Mind clear.

Just two lines:

"Open your eyes, I know you close them when you sing.

If the light's too bright then we'll turn it down, but you have to ask for it."

Singing didn't stop the wind, but I did open my eyes after that. Thinking I was alone, since my parents had stepped inside for a minute, I found myself looking around and realized dad was standing on the back deck watching, and I can't help but wonder what he thought, seeing me in a place he's been so many times before (high up in a tree, not necessarily hugging it though). Did he find me foolish, face buried in the tree, eyes clamped shut, singing?

Was I?

Am I?

The lyrics are from a song by Old Best Friend called Living Alone. It's curious that of all the songs I've ever learned to sing along with, this is where my mind settled. I wanted to share. Perhaps I overreacted and was never really in danger, but I was so sure of it for those few moments. Now, I need you to know that my father, who is coaching me through the tree removal, did this, among other things, for a living. He knows what I'm doing and makes sure I do, too. We spoke, before I went up, about the wind, my weight vs. the tree and what it can handle (one of my questions for him), my climbing equipment; I'm not just running into this haphazardly. This, I believe, is as safe as I can be without machinery, taking down a 60+ foot blue spruce that stretches so tall above my parents house.

In the photo, you can see the one other tree I've done work on, the oak that intersects with the spruce, tucked right up against the house. I took maybe 6 limbs from that tree in 2014. The long limbs were dangling over the house and deck, some from so high up. A storm taking any of it down was too likely, (much like with the spruce) so upon hearing my parents discuss it, I volunteered and the rest is history (personal history, but still) 😊

[firejengine]

#progress #treework #intheair #inatree #trees #outside #nature #harness #rope #gaffs #spurs #bowsaw #mybodyaches #ilovethis #ivolunteered #manuallabor #heights #swayinginthewind #wildride #workingoutwithoutworkingout #aroundtheyard #treeremoval #inprogress #redhead #freckles #curlyhair #real #natural #neon #iloveneon (at Naples, Maine) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_ThiergoF-/?igshid=qdn5g9612p5h

[firejengine]

I'm doing tree work for my parents. In exchange, they've agreed to help fix my motorcycle, financially. Really awesome of them and I appreciate it greatly. I'll likely do the work, mechanically. I'm starting now, in the early spring, hopefully before birds nest and bees and wasps and hornets come out. I dealt with that once. Scary shit, tied to a tree, nowhere to go. Hundreds of various shapes, sizes, and colors of flying, stinging insects. Buzzing all around me, the chainsaw louder still. I froze like a statue, forced myself to calm down, and waited it out. One of the few times no action was a good choice, personally speaking. Anyway, nostalgia aside, being up there in the wind is wild. It brings me back to childhood but I won't get into that here. I still feel like I'm swaying feet solid on the ground. Once the wind started picking up I came down. I've decided to go at it with a bow saw as opposed to a chainsaw. The limbs aren't too thick and my arms could use the. workout. Plus, if the tree's going to suffer, I will too. I'm going to miss it. Fucking gorgeous thing that it is/was/whatever #treework #intheair #inatree #trees #outside #harness #rope #gaffs #spurs #bowsaw #mybodyaches #ilovethis #ivolunteered #manuallabor #heights #workingoutwithoutworkingout #aroundtheyard #treeremoval #inprogress #redhead #freckles #curlyhair #real #neon #iforgotmysafetyglasses #1994 #yamaha #vmax #1200 #yellow (at Naples, Maine) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_QVLJ_go33/?igshid=e5271b7f7dng

[firejengine]

Late, but here are some videos from Wednesday's show (11/13). Got to see Hallowell and reprieve. for the second time each and everyone else for the first time 😊 🧡 Left around the halfway point for some food, and unfortunately ended up missing @wrist.meet.razor but made it back before the end of the night. Videos: #1&2 - Hallowell @hallowellband #3&4 - Ghost Fame @ghostfamema #5 - Trench @trench_ny #6&7 - reprieve. @reprieveofficial #8 - Limbs @whoislimbs #9&10 - Sharptooth @sharptoothmd @effl.rescence Thanks so much for letting me tag along and giving me a place to sleep afterward. I had fun. We'll have to do this again soon! I'll drive next time 🙃😁 #music #livemusic #goodmusic #posthardcore #postmetal #metal #postrock #rock #ambient #emotivehardcore #melodichardcore #hardcore #punk #imterriblewithgenres #manchesternh #newhampshire #nh #jewelnightclub #humpday #latergram (at Jewel Nightclub) https://www.instagram.com/p/B47vZdng6LR/?igshid=42lu5lhfce5l

[firejengine]

Monday at the #brightonmusichall was only my second time seeing Max Bemis and Sherri Dupree-Bemis live. The first was in 2013 at the #paradiserockclub (as @eisley and @sayanything ) so it's been a few years. I'm so glad they brought their #tour to MA. The two are so incredibly talented and make such beautiful music together (and separate!) This post is mostly @maxbemis but @sdupreebemis does show up in #6, a grainy, distant #360camera video as Sherri takes the stage (I wasn't prepared🧡). Sherri is in 5 of the videos in my previous post, mostly as @permaofficial , so make sure to check those out. Since I waited so long, I suppose I can say: Happy Halloween! 🧡💛🧡👻🎃🍁🍫🍭 #livemusic #live #music #allstonma #acoustic #alternative #poppunk #rock #indie #punk #sayanything #maxbemis #sherridupreebemis #eisley #perma #latergram #happyhalloween (at Brighton Music Hall) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4Tm06kgukW/?igshid=101lnx87up7ax

[firejengine]

I've been slacking, but I'm making 2 posts from Monday's show because I can't/won't pick 10 videos. I've been pretty damn-well obsessed artistically with Max Bemis, and later Sherri Dupree-Bemis (would have died to hear an @eisley song or two), for a long while. They are absolutely incredible - definitely my favorite creative couple 🧡 Museum Mouth were amazing and really sweet. (If you read this, I really hope everyone is feeling better! Also, happy belated birthday to Kory!) Videos are as follows: @museummouth (first 4 videos) @permaofficial (videos 6-9 - @maxbemis and @sdupreebemis ) @sayanything (5th & 10th videos, 5th features Sherri and 10th features Karl @lazyboneskuehn from Museum Mouth) #livemusic #live #music #goodmusic #allstonma #brightonmusichall #rock #pop #alternative #indie #poppunk #acoustic #sayanything #perma #museummouth #eisley #maxbemis #sherridupreebemis (at Brighton Music Hall) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4TOM1vgG3L/?igshid=wygvc9jq1dtg