Its hard to explain what you mean to me. Truly, it does. Every breath, every sentence, every feeling, every tear, every smile cannot fully express it. Lights blur when I try to think about it, my imagination goes wild with thoughts of how crazy it is that I even have someone like you who affects me so much.
My blood rushes like the end of a waterfall, whenever I wonder how I could feel this strongly about a person that isn’t Ellie. For all my life, since I’ve met her, I thought she was the only one who could ever truly understand me with the way she does. The only one who could make me feel safe, grounded, secured in all ways both physically and emotionally.
But its not like that anymore... Its not just her. There is someone else, someone new... Someone I have only known for less than a year as I write this today. Someone whose mere presence speaks to me like a song that speaks to my heart... I’m sure you know what talking about?
I don’t know... I’m not sure how to describe it... Or how to describe how it happened... How we met, how got close? The best way I could, probably, is...
It felt like a crash in the universe. Scary, unpredictable, but effective. A big bang that changed the fabric of time... Changed my life... Forever... It exploded and what came after it were beautiful pieces of a new world. Each particle that was destroyed and/or morphed, through that process, was recreated into something new and eternal. How it will survive or how long it will survive can never determined by those who look to explore what it is. Outsiders would never be able to understand... No even me.
Because I am an outsider to my own emotions sometimes. Especially to emotions as pure as what I feel about this person... About you, my friend...
You make me feel safe. Through words, hugs, your company. I have shared my darkest secrets with you. Some, being the first time I have ever told anyone. And until now, I still don’t understand why it is so... You are my safety net when I am falling, the harness that keeps me from falling when I feel like I am about to. You do more than just be there for me, you secure me, grounding me to a safe place where no one could ever hurt me. At least that’s how it feels to have you. That’s how it feels to have a love as true as what I have for you.
And when you hug or hold me, like when I broke down that night, and the others walked out to get me, your hug felt like a shield that could ward of any unwanted force in the universe. That’s why I didn’t want to let go so quickly. That is why I held on for a long while. And I am glad you didn’t stop it until I was ready. You always find ways to try to help. You aren’t afraid of me and you don’t judge me for my past, for the secrets I have told you.
Whenever I have an episode, or feel like the ground is about to break and swallow up my existence, you make it seem like it won’t. There is something so pure and true about what we have... Or maybe that’s just me? I might be a little too passionate about this but that’s just who I am. I am a passionate person…
And I am passionate about you and what we have. I will never let it go. I will never let you go. I will never leave you no matter how hard it gets, no matter how difficult you become… In this life or the next, I will never leave you… I feel like I will always be there, I will always have you with me. That’s how strongly I feel about you.
I believe in the matching of souls and the bonds that carry them through out all their lives. I don’t know when ours was made, be it at the beginning of time or only now, in this life that we have made. But I know that once ours was made, it will never break. Whether it has always been meant to be or it just started now, it will never stop. This will loop forever, even after everything is gone. And all the way till that happens, I know that there is nothing to fear...
Its funny that... What started out as a small crush that rooted from your singing... Became something like this. Admittedly, I was initially, mildly attracted to you... Your voice, mainly. I loved the way it sounded, your melodies, both flawless and broken... Imperfectly perfect to my ears. It’s not the most amazing thing I have heard, but it was enough to draw me to you. And I love what came after.
Like the warmest blanket on the coldest winter night, your song covers soothe my soul. They’re not perfect, but they are lovely... A good listen to turn a bad day around. You sound good! You sing with a passion, along with the talent you have been given. It’s smooth and embracing, even when you screw up.
Even when you’re being a bit unpleasant, when you act like a bit of an ass, mocking people and dissing on them... It doesn’t make you seem obnoxious to me. You only do those things because usually, someone else is being negatively affected. And you do it because you are trying to protect them. You care about the people around you, the ones you consider your loved ones. You know how to take care of them and how to show your love for them. At least, that’s what it looks like to me. You know how to be a friend.
I might be putting you on too high of a pedestal. But I am actually not. I’m putting you right beside me, almost eye-level because I am shorter haha. Beside me, where we can be equal and walk together towards wherever we want with this friendship. And I know for sure that we are walking to a good place.
I would never leave you. I would never bring myself to hurt you. Just watching you cry that one time... It brought me so much pain to see you like that. I wished that I could do more... Just for you... It scares me to think about not having you around, now or in the future... Because I love you.
But you know that already. You more or less know how I feel about you and what we have. You know all the sappy, cheesy lines I have said, all of which came from the top of my head whenever I would say them, and from the bottom of my heart. The words flow so easy when I try to convey those feelings. That’s why they’re so long and you end up having so much to read.
Just like this, this will probably be the longest read you will get from me, should you ever stumble upon this blog post.
Because I don’t doubt what I have invested in you as a friend. I have never doubted my feelings, the love that has grown inside me for you. I may doubt you sometimes, but I am sure that I am not wasting my time on you. I will travel back for you, no matter where I am. If you need me, I swear I will be there.
My thoughts are so jumbled up when I think about how I can express what you mean to me. There is no right order to arrange it. It’s puzzling and confusing but it’s also good. I love how intricately disassembled it is... To think about when was the first time I felt like this to when was the last time I did… And everything else in between.
I love you, Christian. I simply love you. No romance, no attraction. Just pure love.
I can probably never know how you feel about me, but it doesn’t matter... Because I know how I feel about you. You have told me again and again how much I mean to you, how much you love me. I will hold onto your words and believe in them. Our personalities kinda clash but I know that you are there for me, you will never leave and you will love me as much as you can as my friend. Or at least that’s what you tell me... Whenever you would tell me that you love me.
You have become a best friend. And the kind that is extra special, compared to the others. Your value is far beyond anything I could ever imagine. You have altered a piece of my existence. And I will hold onto that forever.
I think that’s it for now... Like I said, no amount of words or actions could ever truly express just what you mean to me.
1. What You Mean To Me
2. Sad Song
