Struggling [lee know imagine]
(TW MENTIONS OF CUTTING AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE)
It was a cloudy day and you were feeling really down. Lately you haven’t been feeling like doing anything that includes eating and taking care of yourself. You cut yourself off from a lot of people you used to talk too. Lots of people had became worried about and but you just simply told them you were doing fine and you had just been super busy that’s why you haven’t spoken. You just sat in your bed starring up at the ceiling. Your thoughts haven’t been the most positive either your mind would tell you things like ‘the world would be so much better of without you’ or ‘ you don’t deserve the people you have in your life’
You hated it. You hated the thoughts that would form in your head at night and day. You stared at your ceiling while laying in your bed. You didn’t feel like getting up at all you just wished the bed would consume you. You wished you told someone your feelings you knew you needed help, you’ve known for a while but yet you don’t know how to tell anyone. You talk to people sometimes through text but you never tell them how you are. Many people don’t believe your okay and have asked if they needed to call someone to get you help but for some reason you declined saying the same thing you always do “ I’m fine I’m just very stressed ab busy with work.” Which is a lie you haven’t been to work in a while.
Your parents have gotten worried but you keep saying you’re fine to them. Your friends have tried getting you out of your apartment and have you get some fresh air but you declined their offers. There is one person who has tried almost everything to try and help you which is your boyfriend. He’s sensed that it wasn’t just you being busy so he’s tried his best to keep you active but that didn’t work. You get out of your bed slowly and walk towards your bathroom.
You look at yourself in the mirror and the person you see doesn’t look like you. Your hair is a mess, eyes tired with bags under them, and a plain expression on your face. It hurts it all hurts you wish you didn’t do this to yourself you should have gotten help. You started to overthink again more negative thoughts flowing through your brain. You want to cry but you can’t the feeling is strong but not a single tear will form.
you have wondered how your death would affect people you’ve imagined what it would be like if you were dead. You didn’t want to but that’s what thoughts popped up. Your brain couldn’t stop these thoughts they just kept coming. You looked down to your wrist and saw the scars that layer there. You knew you shouldn’t do that to yourself but it was a reliever to you. You then suddenly hear a knock on your bedroom door. You have no idea how someone got into your apartment, maybe it was a robber or some criminal.
“(Y/N) are you in there?” You hear someone ask from outside the door with a soft voice. You knew it wasn’t a robber you recognized whose voice it belonged to. It was lee knows you knew his voice very well it was calming to you. He always spoke in a soft way to you.
“(Y/N) if you’re in there please open the door.” He said again while lightly knocking on the door. You forgot he had a spare key to your apartment just in case you lost yours or he wanted to come over. You had lots of trust in him so that’s why you gave him a spare plus you lose yours a lot.
The door knob to your room started moving but your door was locked even though you’re alone you still lock your door it makes you feel safe. You stayed in the bathroom not moving at all, he can’t see you in this state he would think you’re weak or just a baby. The thought of him seeing you in this state made you feel scared you didn’t want him to be disappointed in you. You looked at yourself again seeing every flaw on you and how much you’ve changed. You loved your boyfriend truly. You loved him with your whole heart but you can’t see him right now at least not in this state.
You then heard the door unlock. Your door knob was made weirdly so if you turn it a couple of times in a certain direction it could unlock. It didn’t always happen but sometimes it does. You froze freaking out internally but not showing it on the outside you just stayed quiet.
”baby are you in here please I know something is wrong.” He spoke quietly in a way tugging at your heart strings. You wanted to cry for some reason. The thought of him seeing you like this makes you upset. You’re disappointed in yourself. He walks around your room then sees you standing in front of the mirror in your bathroom. He walks towards you while you can’t move your body won’t move.
”baby you look dead please talk to me I know something is wrong.” He says putting a hand on your shoulder the sudden touch made you flinch in a way. He removed his hand from and looked at you worried. You turned to face him trying to force yourself to speak.
”I’m fine I just have been busy with work you know? Sometimes it just gets a little overwhelming.” You say trying to sound like it wasn’t been days since you have spoke. “Baby your work had called me saying you haven’t been in forever and won’t answer there calls.” He knows your lying to him.
”I..uhm.” Words couldn’t form from your mouth nothing would come out other than useless stutters.
“I’m worried about you (Y/N) we are all worried we want to help you but you won’t tell anyone the truth. May you please tell me what’s going on so I can help you it hurts me to see you like this.” He says to you the way he’s looking feels like he’s staring into your soul trying to find out what’s wrong. Tears start to form in your eyes. The tears burn it’s been so long since you cried.
“I think I need help..” you say no louder than a whisper it was mumbled slightly as well but he heard it loud and clear. “What kind of help baby?” He asks you trying to give you a warm smile.
you don’t give him eye contact you can’t look him in the eyes it would hurt. “I don’t exactly know..I just need help.” You mumble out to him he then hugs you. You want to hug him back but you can’t. “I’ll call an hotline if you’d like baby.” He says not letting go the warmth of the hug makes you wish he could stay hugging you for the rest of your life. You slowly nod your head at his question.
“I’ll do that then I’m glad you can get the help you have needed i want you to be okay again I want to see you smile and laugh. I want you to be able to feel alive.” He says quietly to you, the words made more tears subconsciously fall out of your eyes. You’ve needed help but haven’t gotten in and now you finally will be able to.
“Thank you.” You mumble trying not to cry even more. He pats your back to try and make you feel better. “Do you want to talk about what’s been going on and what you’ve been thinking.” He says he stops the hug and holds your hands . You nod your head but then you see his eyes go to your arms. His warm smile that he was giving you drops. Tears forming in his eyes.
“Did you do this to yourself?” He asks gently brushing his thumb against your arm trying not to hurt you. He looks at the scars that lay on your arms the many small and large cuts deep and not deep ones. You don’t answer him. He then repeats himself again. “(Y/N) did you do this to yourself.” He looks you in the eyes but you look away trying to take your hands from his but he doesn’t let you. You see tears running down his face. Lee know used to have a friend that had gone through severe depression and they harmed themself. He tried his best to help that friend and he was able to stop them from harming themself for a while but weeks later that friend had committed suicide.
”I’m sorry lee know..” your voice shaking while saying the words. You know how much seeing this must hurt him. He hugs you again but tighter.
“Please don’t leave me I can’t lose you I don’t want to lose you (Y/N) your the best person I’ve met you’ve made me so happy I’m so sorry I’m failing you I should have helped you sooner so you wouldn’t do this to yourself I'm so sorry please don’t harm yourself please please please.” He says his body shaking and his breathing uneven. Tears streaming down his face.
“I won’t leave you I promise Lee know.” You say trying not to break down even more. “That’s what they promised..” he says to you
You then hug him back but then he stops the hug and runs out of the room. You don’t know why he left maybe you were hurting him to much and he had to leave. But then he comes back with a laptop and he drags you out of the bathroom and gestures you to sit on the bed. You do and he sits next to you opening the laptop and searching something. You look at the screen and it had a bunch of websites along with phone numbers.
“I’m gonna call one of these for you okay? And I’ll get you all the help you need I’ll make sure you get better I’ll try and save you from all this.” He says to you turning to you giving you a kiss on the head. You just nod to him.
”I promise (Y/N) I’ll do everything in my power to help you but first I’m gonna call one of these I’m so sorry you have been suffering like this for so long I love you and I will help you, I love you so much and I can’t imagine this world without you no one can.” He says gently
“I love you to lee know I’m sorry.” You say looking at him
he hugs you tightly not letting go. You hug back melting in his arms. The thought of being able to get help makes you hopeful for getting better.
~PLEASE DONT RE UPLOAD MY WORK~
