My words were never lost, they were stolen
And that thing that felt like theft had left me broken
Even when I was just myself,
just me
Long since alone but now complicit in my captivity
I was fighting myself
Punched fists into my stomach
Trying to release the air that was trapped there
It reminds me of nightmares
Of invisible hands weighted on my chest
My mouth’s wide open but I can’t take a breath
And I can’t tell if it’s me or the atmosphere
One of us has congealed
It’s impossible to wade through
There’s nothing there to reach to
And I’m afraid to open my eyes and my lungs to it
For fear that this paralysis will become set
It’s like quicksand or fast drying cement
The more I struggle against it then more that I am bent
around everything that isn’t my own decision
I think of the other dream I have, where I’m breathing under water
And my new found superpower come to me slowly
As I sink further under, my body’s unfolding
The urge to breathe comes to me as clear as instinct
And I know before I try that it’ll work…
Water doesn’t flood my chest
My gut’s not seizing
My heart doesn’t arrest
And I’m breathing
In a place I shouldn’t be able to…
And it’s freeing
So I focus on that feeling
And then I’m speaking
And it’s a miracle that I’m stood in front of you
Cause these words nearly killed me
When for too long I left them unformed and hazy
They danced at the corners of my eyes
I was too afraid to touch them
because they were hot and desperate but denied
And they would burn me
Whenever I got too close
They would betray me
Try to break through the walls that I’d so carefully
constructed to be indestructible
I was impregnable
Impervious.
A fortress where nothing came in and nothing left
A perfect island, perfectly balanced
But there was a war going on all around me
It was one that I couldn’t not see
And soon, I had its refugees knocking at my door
And I couldn’t ignore them anymore
I let them in and listened and they moved me
The balance was broken
I was absorbing all these words but I still hadn’t spoken
I was so full up it made my head spin
The words became polluted and bitter
And they dragged their nails down the underside of my skin
And beat their fists against my skull
Until I was too unbearably full
So I opened my mouth, bent over
Put my hand on my knees
And vomited up the words that were choking me
They streamed out of my eyes and my ears
I sobbed them out of every pore with my tears
They were so bright they blinded me
I spluttered and gasped around their density
They blistered their way along all the skin I have
They cauterised my wounds and disinfected my rotten scabs
And they were brilliant and agonising, they were acidic and inspiring
I retched and I retched until everything that had soured in me
Was released in a soundless cacophony of clarity and stillness
Now, most days, the words flow through me
They glide towards your ears through the air
And maybe, if I’m lucky, they linger there
And if you have words I want to hear them
We can exchange one or two and fall in love with them
And we won’t make the same mistakes
Our children won’t be choked by hate
And maybe this will all have been worth it.
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
turnnoffyourmind
