STARBOY

i don't wanna hurt you but you live for the pain. i'm not tryna say it but it's what you became. you want me to fix you but it's NEVER enough. that's why you always call me cause you're scared to be loved. but I'll always be there for you, I'll always be there for you. I'll a l w a y s be there for you, boy I have no shame. I'll always be there for you, I'll always be there for you. I'll always be there for you, boy I have no shame.

[fkhansol-blog]

ofjiyeongs:

JIYEONG COULD PRETEND, COULD BLAME IT ALL ON THE amount of alcohol that he had consumed since the night began, but in truth, he knew the substances had nothing to do with his prior actions. he A C H E D, both physically and mentally, unable to piece himself together without HIM by his side. the smaller male had become a part of him ( a much bigger piece than he had intended, admittedly ) and jiyeong refused to let them part ways, refused to let that night at the hotel serve as their final memory of each other. he wasn’t sure what he EXPECTED in response to his series of messages, but without question he hadn’t anticipated hansol at his bedroom door before he even had the chance to retrieve his phone and check for a reply. it wasn’t until his bedroom door o p e n e d that he noticed the additional figure in his apartment, his eyes finally diverted from the television that hummed aimlessly in the background. 

a small part of him still couldn’t piece it together, couldn’t wrap his mind around hansol being HERE in his room, just as he had blindly requested. he stared for a moment, eyes undoubtably w i d e and carrying a hint of shock as he sat up slightly, his elbow suddenly propped against his pillow in order to support the weight of his upper body. it took him a moment to lay himself back down, to level his eyesight with the male that he hadn’t STOPPED looking at since he entered. “ hey. “ he returned quietly, his features soft and perhaps slightly p a i n e d as he managed to shake his head once, silently gnawing at the inside of his cheek for a moment. “ no. “ he offered, the word wildly insufficient and yet it was all he could force out. his mind had gone BLANK, stuck between whether he should stay quiet & just be grateful that hansol was here at all, or whether he should finally tell hansol the one secret he had managed to keep under lock and key even from him. “ no, i should be apologizing. i’m not — i shouldn’t have left. not like that. i just felt like i couldn’t b r e a t h e and i walked away, but i should’ve stayed. i wish i did. “ he finally murmured, his hues briefly falling to the space between them as he dared to move closer to hansol, his fingertips pulling the covers higher until they fell just below his shoulders. “ i don’t know HOW to be without you. i don’t want to. ‘nd i know i don’t have any r i g h t to ask anything from you after how i acted, but s t a y. please. “ 

hansol was unable to move his eyes off of jiyeong’s features after going so long without being this close to them. he ached to reach a hand out, wanting to feel the familiarity of his skin being pressed against his own. jiyeong replied and hansol let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. after everything that happened, there was still a part of him that was worried that jiyeong would change his mind, deciding he didn’t need hansol in his life. jiyeong’s bedroom had always been a sanctuary for them. the one place where they could actually be THEM - jiyeong and hansol - without having to feel awkward. it was in this room where they had spent countless late nights close to one another, letting things they tended to keep under lock and key slip out of their mouths. however even after everything that hansol opened up about to jiyeong before, there was a part of him that felt as though he was currently sitting on the edge of spilling his biggest secret yet. relief flooded over him as jiyeong spoke, realizing that they would be OKAY. “it’s okay.” he said quickly, willing to forgive and forget just about anything in this moment, as long as it meant that they would be alright. “i JUST -” as much as he wanted to explain his actions, he still found it difficult to formulate the words. “i guess i was just scared for you to find out. didn’t want you to...think of me differently.” it was only then that hansol allowed his eyes to fall, a sense of shame taking over him. he let the covers fall over them, and pushed himself to move closer to jiyeong before he could regret it. only inches apart now, he was desperate to be touching him. “i’m not going anywhere, i PROMISE.”

[fkhansol-blog]

💬 iMESSAGE ⇄ hansol

KIHYUN: oh fuck off dude

KIHYUN: i'm not trying to get in ur pants lmao calm down

KIHYUN: i just wanted to share my sick ass dog with the world alright u don't have to be a total ass about it

HANSOL: lol never said u were

HANSOL: i..wasn't even being rude ??

HANSOL: just genuinely confused lmao it's not exactly like we talk that much

[fkhansol-blog]

💬 iMESSAGE ⇄ ???

KIHYUN: i'm a dad now can u believe it

KIHYUN: i didn't get a girl pregnant but i DID find a stray dog behind this dumpster near my apartment

KIHYUN: he has one eye and tried to bite me like 5 times but i'm fucking obsessed with him

KIHYUN: i think he's a chihuahua mix? 10/10 dog either way

HANSOL: lmao wow im surprised it didn't happen sooner

HANSOL: 5 times ?? guess ur son hates u already

HANSOL: anyways is there a reason why u sent me this or

[tananais]

even + subconsciously moving closer to isak in minutt for minutt

[fkhansol-blog]

ofjiyeongs:

JIYEONG WASN’T SURE IT HOW LONG IT HAD BEEN SINCE he l o s t track of the night, but all he wanted to do was FORGET about everything. he had lost count of the number of beers consumed, hadn’t looked at the clock in what seemed like hours, yet he had an overwhelming feeling that he had only managed to distract himself for a couple hours at most. he resolved to fall into bed, his thumb aimlessly flicking through the dozens of channels until he settled on a show he had no genuine interest in, but which provided the background noise which he desperately craved. he HATED being alone, but he wasn’t left with much choice, so he had to do anything & everything he could to make himself feel a little l e s s isolated. 

he was surrounded by blankets and pillows, but none of it concealed the e m p t y space that once belonged to a certain blond. even though he wasn’t there and hadn’t been for TWO weeks now, the other half of the bed still belonged to the smaller male. even when silence replaced hushed laughter and empty space replaced the other boy, jiyeong could still f e e l him there, his scent still lingering in the sheets ( though it had faded significantly, much to jiyeong’s displeasure ). the older male fiddled with his phone, the better part of his brain s c r e a m i n g at him not to do anything STUPID, but the alcohol surging through his system managed to override his better judgement. he found hansol’s name with ease, his thumbs managing to send a series of nearly incoherent and d a n g e r o u s messages. he threw his phone out of reach upon pressing send ( he wasn’t sure if he wanted a reply, nor was he sure if he ready to know what a reply would entail ), pulling his bed covers over his chest as he attempted to focus on the television for the time being. ( @fkhansol )

OUTGOING to hansol ✨✨ ↦ i know u r probab yk sleeping but it’s 2 am nd i ctn sleep wth tout u here OUTGOING to hansol ✨✨ ↦  thisi doesnt flel right u shoudl be here   OUTGOING to hansol ✨✨ ↦  it s bene e 2 wekeks andn i sti l missu so mcuh when siit it gonna sto p OUTGOING to hansol ✨✨ ↦  come sleep ovoer please i sdon nth ink i can do this anym orer

hansol’s phone screen glowed, illuminating the dark room surrounding him. he blinked once, still not able to move his eyes off of the texts that had come in just a couple of minutes prior. he was no longer able to count the amount of times that he had reread them, still unsure whether or not this was really happening. any time he went to text a reply, hansol had to stop. he was hardly able to think clearly, let alone send a coherent text. he pulled himself out of the bed that he’d spent more time in during the past TWO weeks than he had in the past TWO years. rummaging through drawers, hansol grabbed the first hoodie he could find and slipped it on. out of all of the thoughts racing through his mind, there was ONE that was more persistent than the rest. one that stood out in bright blinking lights amidst the chaos. the ONE thing that mattered to him - the ONE thing he needed most in this moment - was to be with jiyeong.

he stood outside jiyeong’s bedroom door after letting himself in, just as he had done so many times previously. only THIS time it was different. after two weeks of not being in the place he had grown to call his home, hansol felt awkward. his heart was beating so rapidly he was sure it was just moments from leaping out of his chest. gaining a surge of courage, he entered the room. just ONE look at him. that’s all it took for hansol’s walls to come crashing down, his face to soften. instantly, any ounce of hurt or anger he may have felt towards the older boy vanished, and all that was left for him was love. it hit him SUDDENLY, and out of nowhere. but it simultaneously felt like something he had ALWAYS known. something that had always been there. silently, he made his way over to the bed, crawling into the side that had grown to become his. the second he made contact with the cotton sheets, he felt more at ease than he had in weeks. lying his head against the pillow, he faced jiyeong and searched his face, desperate to know what was running through his mind. “hi.” he breathed out, his voice almost inaudible. before he could refrain himself, he spoke again. “i..i’m sorry. i should’ve asked you to stay. i WANTED you to stay.”

[fkhansol-blog]

taewcn:

feet were PROPPED against the arm of his couch, his frame lazily  s p r a w l e d  across the fabric, whilst headphones blasted music to drown out distractions ( DETERMINED to finish the project he’d been assigned ) — that was UNTIL he heard a BANG and he jolted upright. the headphones clattered to the ground, taewon not even FLINCHING as they did so, seeing as he’d entered DEFENCE mode,  w a i t i n g  to see if it continued ( there was a sense of concern, that is COULD be yumi  f a l l i n g, but there was no crying, so, he’d scrapped that idea ). then a  v o i c e,  nonthreatening in every way. confimation of who the being was meant that taewon opened the door to his apartment, dark hues taking in the other, ❛ woah, you ALRIGHT there, kid? ❜ words hummed, fingertips reaching to offer support to the other, ❛ come on, come in… just don’t be TOO loud. ❜

hansol waited outside the door, growing more and more impatient by the second. barely able to keep himself up right, his body was slumped against the wall. mind racing, hansol attempted to think of somewhere he could go if the other boy didn’t come to his rescue. but his mind went BLANK. while hansol had previously always had someone to go to when darkness crept up and he was unable to act rationally anymore. but he was gone. and now, in his drunken state, hansol felt a need to lean on taewon more than ever. letting out a sigh of relief upon seeing him, hansol made his way into the apartment. “oh, SORRY -” he said, not realizing that if anything his voice had only gotten louder. he accepted the help being offered, before stumbling over to the couch and falling down onto it. “do you have a blanket, it was fuckin’ cold outside.” he said with a shiver, words slurring together. casting his gaze downwards, a much softer voice spoke out this time. “sorry i - i didn’t know where else to go.”

[fkhansol-blog]

jexnwoo:

          HE WASN’T USUALLY irritable, bitter, holding grudges. it was a lesser REFINED part of him that came to the surface only when he had had a drink too much. had he been sober he could’ve maybe talked to hansol civilly, maybe even FORGIVE him for breaking his heart, but he was tired from work, he was tired from a life that was edging towards proving MEANINGLESS, and though he tried to force himself to look his ex-friend into the eyes, inwoo couldn’t do it without feeling his stomach turn and something press on his chest. it was always THIS: the questions of what could’ve been, but never were, and inwoo had come to terms that maybe that was all there was. he emptied his glass, pushing it towards the bartender for a refill as he turned to look at hansol. «no, we can’t just FORGET about it. that’s not how it WORKS.»

hansol gnawed at his bottom lip, a nervous habit he acquired. he wasn’t prepared for the amount of hostility that inwoo would have for him, although even he could admit that he deserved it. but that didn’t stop it from hurting. keeping his eyes trained on him, hansol was struck with the question WHAT IF? what if things had gone differently? what if hansol hadn’t been such a coward? would they be sat at the bar together as FRIENDS, rather than strangers? perhaps as something more? “i said i was sorry.” he tried again, sounding defensive. but even he was well aware of how little that word could mean to someone. sighing, hansol attempted a softer tone. “just thought it would be nice to catch up, see how you’re doing. we had a really good FRIENDSHIP, y’know?”

[fkhansol-blog]

seungmins:

THE OTHER’S TONE was completely expected at that point —- actually, there was a slight chance that seungmin would’ve been d i s a p p o i n t e d had the bookstore clerk given him anything but complete indifference. INDIFFERENCE, he had learned, amused him more often than not. his brow quirked at the question, but he had quickly decided against answering crudely — not that early into their conversation. ‘ would i be up HERE if i didn’t need help ? ’ though his question was rhetorical, there was a small moment when he gazed at the other, seemingly expecting an answer – but before the other could begin to even give one, his calculated gaze fell to the small pile of books. ‘ past the books, if you’re still saying no to a D A T E, ‘m afraid you won’t be much help. ’

hansol attempted to keep his face neutral, uninterested. despite his cool exterior, that didn’t stop the way he always appeared to be slightly more on edge when seungmin came strolling into the store, anticipating what words would leave his mouth. hansol had NEVER been good at flirting, even when the flirting was with girls. he always came across as though he was trying TOO hard, like he wanted it too much. or on days when he didn’t have the energy to play pretend, like he DIDN’T want it at all. but with seungmin, it was HIM on the receiving end of someone’s advances. and not just anyone, but a boy’s. he felt flustered, and he HATED that he felt flustered from a boy’s attention after spending so long trying to convince himself that he wouldn’t. lowering his gaze, hansol searched for words to say. but all that came out was a short and awkward cough. “you seem … NICE and all, but i’m just not interested.” running a nervous hand through his hair, he continued. “but if there’s anything else - to do with BOOKS - i’d be glad to help you.”

[wordsnquotes]

He held me so softly that I wished he wouldn’t ever let me go. I felt at home.

Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (via trapquccn)

[fkhansol-blog]

[fkhansol-blog]

sxraii:

At his words, she puts down the phone. For a few moments, she simply stands there, watching him with utter disappointment, usually Sora is a strong person, she doesn’t let herself get upset over small things, but this, this time it was different. “We had sex. You took my virginity.” She coughs, wiping her eyes slightly and avoiding eye contact. “I know you’ve probably been with loads of other girls but you, you could at least—” She sniffs. “Be nice about it, okay? You could at least not be a dick okay? Am I that worthless to you? Just forget it Hansol.” It takes everything in her not to scream, not to punch him. “Go back upstairs and pretend we never met, it’ll be better off that way.”

as sora speaks, her big revelation finally coming out, hansol’s expression remains blank. he isn’t able to stop the dry laughter that leaves his mouth before replying. ”what - THAT’S what all of this is about? just ‘cause we fucked?” he asks disbelievingly.  he watches her as teardrops pool in her eyes, and yet he is still unable to sympathize with the girl. he laughs again, utterly c o n f u s e d by the entire situation. “i don’t owe you anything.” his voice comes out thick and full of annoyance. “don’t try to make out like i’m some fuckin’ bad guy just cause i gave you what you wanted.” he rolls his eyes, a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. “it was a ONE NIGHT STAND. what did you really expect?”

[fkhansol-blog]

jexnwoo:

          THE BAR HAD BECOME a much too familiar scene for inwoo lately, a welcome escape from the busy days in the office. there had been a time when the ceo didn’t go out alone, when he had much rather preferred the company of others before the solitude of only himself, but recently the thought of being a l o n e had seemed more and more inviting. but even the company of only his own thoughts had been overwhelming recently, and the alcohol drowned them out until they were merely an e c h o. he had WANTED to be alone, but a much too familiar voice he couldn’t bring himself to forget cut through and instantly made his chest ache. he turned to face his old friend - it was unmistakably his voice calling out for him and it was definitely not what inwoo needed. «i bet 14 year old us would’ve loved to see us actually sitting somewhere together at all,» he muttered bitterly.

even all these years later, the words that inwoo spoke left a bitter taste in hansol’s mouth. any semblance of hope he had that what happened between the two would be forgotten quickly vanished. the boy lowered his gaze, averting his eyes to the shot glass that had just been placed in front of him. raising it to his lips, he gulped down the liquid, leaving a slight burning sensation in his throat. “inwoo…” his voice called out, only to stop seconds later when he realized he wasn’t sure what to say. or what there was TO say. guilt coursed through his veins, knowing that HE was the one to mess everything up. as per usual. they HAD been good together. inwoo was there for hansol when no one else had been. he could still remember the brushes of their hands, the nights spent talking all night. he’d be lying if he said it didn’t sting a little. “yeah, i’m sorry about that. can we just forget about it all? let me buy you a drink.”

[fkhansol-blog]

[fkhansol-blog]

hansol’s fist banged against the wooden door quickly, hoping that he would be let in. his vision was slightly blurry due to the amount of alcohol that he had consumed that night, and his mind was reeling. hansol could barely even recall where he was just a few hours ago, or how he even got to where he was NOW. after spending way too long bottling things up, FORCING himself to suppress everything, he felt as though he was going to explode. and as the early hours of the morning approached, hansol verging on a drunken breakdown, he wasn’t sure where else to go. “taewon, c’mon.” he called out, his voice scratchy and tired. feeling dizzy, he slumped against the wall and tried again. “it’s hansol. can i come in?”

( @taewcn )

[fkhansol-blog]

sxraii:

“Stop, just stop.Before it becomes more painful for me. I can tell you’re an asshole now which means I’m not going to bother enlightening you, move out of my way.”  And with that she finally shoved passed him and entered the stairs, instantly getting out her phone and dialing Sunyoung’s number. Who did he think he was? Was she, the girl who was born and bled from fire —not worth his time? It didn’t matter, because as much as Sora didn’t want it to hurt, it did. So, with tears already streaming down her cheeks, the call is picked up on the third ring and her voice is croaky as she runs down the flight of stairs. “Sunny, it hurts —it hurts so much.”

hansol watches as the scene unfolds, complete and utter confusion evident on his face. he didn’t even know who this girl was, and yet here she was calling him an asshole. “what the fuck..” he mutters as she runs off. hansol doesn’t attempt to chase after the girl. at this point he doesn’t even care about who she is or how she knows him. he’s just happy that she’s gone. deciding to head back to his hotel room, hansol makes his way down the stairs and stops when he see’s her crying. rolling his eyes, he decides to make one final effort. “sorry you’re crying, but can you stop being so fuckin’ weird for a second and just tell me how you know me?”

[fkhansol-blog]

hansol couldn’t remember someone coming down and sitting next to him. he couldn’t remember if there was already someone there when he first entered the bar. but after successfully downing more than a few, MUCH needed shots, he finally noticed the presence of someone beside him. turning his head, his hazy eyes widened when he saw a familiar face. it was his best friend ( and maybe slightly more ) from years ago. after suddenly breaking off the friendship when things got to be too much, the two had never spoken much again. perhaps it was the alcohol, or the fact that he was already having a rough night, but as hansol kept his eyes on inwoo - he couldn’t help but feel a pang in his heart. clearing his throat awkwardly, hansol decided to say something. “long time, no see.” keeping his eyes trained on the boy’s, he attempted to make light of the uncomfortable circumstance. “i bet 14 years old us would love to see us actually sitting in a bar and drinking, instead of getting kicked out of one.”

( @jexnwoo )

[fkhansol-blog]

seungmins:

call him what you like, but ryu seungmin was nothing if not PERSISTENT in his efforts when he found someone he enjoyed to tease. seemingly harmless in his actions, the actor oftentimes found himself able to dig beneath the skin of people with just a few words — which was just the way he liked it; he reveled in knowing what made certain people tick and why it did so. luckily he had found that tick in the bookstore employee after meeting him for the first time, and soon after made it his mission to track him down for a chat each time he entered the store. so there he stood, elbow propped on the counter to hold up his head as he gazed at the other, bedroom eyes thriving even for the early hour of the afternoon. ‘ how’s my favorite bookstore clerk doing ? ’ not so much as a question as a dig, which was predominately made clear as seungmin bared him a wide-toothed grin. // @fkhansol

unlike most 21 year olds, hansol actually LIKED his job. he loved coming into work and taking in the scent of fresh books, or watching the way that someone’s eyes lit up the moment they fell in love with a book. despite typically being a quiet person, he even loved talking to the customers and offering them as much help as he could. or at least, he DID when that particular customer wasn’t someone who had appeared to make it their own personal mission to make hansol as uncomfortable as they could every time they spoke. hansol scanned the store, looking for anyone that might be able to save him from this situation. unfortunately for him, the place was empty. so instead, he finally decided to stop and look at the boy. “great.” he replied, evidently not interested in engaging in this conversation. “anything i can help you with?”